Draft Of Next-To-Final "coming Out" Letter

[jbgood]

I'm not entirely resolved on actually sending this out, but my initial plan was to use the following document to inform the remaining unaware members in my circles about my now-two-year-and-going deconversion. I was involved in a college outreach as well as a community of very devout lay Catholic families for about six years.

 

My wife is still involved in the community, and part of this letter was for her sake. She gets visibly upset at times when she attends, and others inquire. She doesn't always want to tell them about my situation without my consent, yet doesn't want to lie. This would be a way to get everyone up to speed.

 

In any case, I've posted this to some various places, including my blog, and have gotten some useful feedback already. I'd appreciate any more from this forum as many have done similar things. I'd be especially interested to hear in whether or not readers here predict it being reasonably received (vs. causing a shutdown/upsetness in a Christian reader) and/or whether such letters are useful/needed/helpful (i.e. should I just continue letting people find out as it comes up).

 

A good part of the writing of this was for my own closure, so even if it doesn't get sent en masses, it's still been beneficial

 

Thanks for your time and comments.

 

Statement in PDF

[mymistake]

It would help to know a few things about your situation. Does your wife approve of this plan? I take it you are not worried about kids or your relatives harassing you.

 

I read the intro and conclusion. It's very long. Perhaps you should make two works. Turn your into/conclusion into a summary which is under a page in length. Half a page would be even better if you could cut it down. And then have the essay (which you can expand if you like) ready for anybody who wants to hear more. Having just come out to my wife about a week and a half ago let me assure you Christians are going to want to know why. Just expect it. If you don't want to answer then stick to your plan. I keep my answer very simple and I don't deviate from it because I don't want to get into all those fights with any Christian in real life.

[Zaphod]

I've never seen a coming-out letter formatted like a master's thesis before. I think it's very well-written. Eleven pages is a lot to digest, but the people who don't care enough about you to spend ten or fifteen minutes reading the whole thing probably aren't major players in your life anyhow. By leaving out your reasons, you make it easier for them to read. They don't have to worry about damaging their own faith by reading your letter. I agree with mymistake regarding the fact that people will press you for details and reasons. Brace yourself. I waved it off with my Mom by telling her it was an intensely personal struggle and I'm not comfortable discussing it.

[Positivist]

Hi jbgood!

 

I just read it. And I love the formatting.

 

I could really relate to your story! Those damn doubts just started creeping in, the The Outsider Test for Faith (which I'd been considering for years but never knew it had been formalized in a name until last year), and trying to believe the equivalent of "the earth is flat"...

 

I recently put together my own story as well for the same reason you did: for closure, and so I can stop obsessing about it. I'm not sure if I completely accomplished that, and I'm not sure I'm going to give it to anyone but my husband (he read it and found nothing he didn't already know). It's quite personal. You and I used many of the same phrases and have many of the same issues with Christianity.

 

I liked your last quote: That which can be destroyed by the truth should be – P.C. Hodgell. That's a keeper!

 

As for sending it to people, I think having it linked onto your blog is good (as you've done). Maybe send an email like "If you're wondering what's up in my life, check out my latest blog entry." You know, low pressure, but gives the people for whom it would matter an opportunity to find out whassup.

 

I like your writing and your analytical mind. Makes me want to do a content analysis or grounded theory of ex-timonies. You know, pathways to disbelief, type of thing.

 

Keep writing!

[Akheia]

Very interestingly written and formatted letter! I enjoyed reading it, especially where it touched on your marriage; your devotion to your wife is very touching and, I think, inspiring to those who are struggling in similar places.

 

(I second MM's suggestion that you make a very short Reader's Digest version for generalized readers. It feels like you're writing to try to convince Christians that you did the right thing. That was a really hard thing for me to let go of--this idea that I could find the perfect thing to say that'd convince a controller that it was right and proper for me to leave--and I wonder if that's where you're coming from here. You may not ever convince your old church or even your family that you did the right thing, and you need not feel compelled to try. If you don't think that's what's going on, disregard, of course.)

[jbgood]

@mymistake:

I read the intro and conclusion. It's very long. Perhaps you should make two works.

 

Good call. Based on some other feedback, I'm leaning toward that now. A very short, casual, plain languaged expression of my transition. Then a link to something more formal that will include reasons. I was a bit bummed, as it took so long to write this as it is, but I agree that it will be nice to get it out on paper and people will want to know anyway. It's probably best as well since I've declined in my time spent on apologetics and things are only going to get hazier; best to document my reasons while they're still slightly fresh.

 

@zaphod: Thanks for the comments/encouragement! As I said to mymistake, I'll probably just go ahead and summarize my reasons so I don't have to brace myself as hard

 

@Positivist: Thanks for the comments! Yes... cessation of obsessing would be nice... I'll think about what to actually do with it more. Perhaps just giving people a head's up would be a nice way to do it. Though, if I create a "cover letter" that's gentle, completely non-threatening and so forth, that could link to more if they want it. Then it's up to them. The bummer is that without telling people, I get in awkward situations, like being asked to say grace by people who, two years later, still don't know.

 

Re. the personality types, one of my blogger friends wrote this which you might find interesting.

 

@Akheia:

 

It feels like you're writing to try to convince Christians that you did the right thing. That was a really hard thing for me to let go of--this idea that I could find the perfect thing to say that'd convince a controller that it was right and proper for me to leave--and I wonder if that's where you're coming from here. You may not ever convince your old church or even your family that you did the right thing, and you need not feel compelled to try. If you don't think that's what's going on, disregard, of course.)

 

Uhhh. Nope, that's exactlly what's going on. I struggle with this a lot... In fact, I just wrote this elsewhere:

 

A question that came up... is what worth this [document] actually brings about. I don't find myself compelled to write a dissertation-style document defending my power tool purchases, Linux custom kernel options, or why I listen to the music I do. I am aware of a desire for validation, to feel that I've done enough with respect to my "quest," to prove myself on this topic. I'm still wrestling with whether this is completely irrational and unnecessary, or only partially so, validated by the fact of my social/environmental circumstances that do presentsome real obstacles that this document could help alleviate.

 

Thanks for saying that. I have some individual counseling starting up at the end of the month and working on this internal nagging is one of my goals. I probably won't convince one Christian with anything I say and few if any will pat my on the back and tell me that two years of mental and emotional suffering while trying to figure out if god exists is sufficient. There's always one more book and, well, Thomas Aquinas and Augustine that I need to prove wrong before I've really done enough. So, yes, thanks for mentioning that.

 

How did you get over that feeling/nagging/compulsion?

[FeelHappy]

Great idea, I liked it. Parts could be shorter, but if someone really cares 10 pages isn't that long and I read it in 15-20 minutes. Surely someone who cares so much for your soul can spend 15 minutes reading your reasons.

 

I'm now thinking of doing something similar, but a little longer with some of my reasons why I left the faith.

[Akheia]

Thanks for your comments; you were most kind. I wish I could share how I got over having to justify myself to my ex-abusers, but about all I can say is that one day, midways through the dozenth or so full-bore screaming match while trying to do that exact thing, I suddenly had this revelation, this blinding flash of the obvious, this bolt from the blue, that this person was no longer my problem, that I didn't have to make him understand anything. I ended the argument a few moments later, and literally never talked to him again. And never had any sort of guilt about it. He was never going to "get it." There'd never be any kind of closure; there'd never be a moment where he said "oh my god, you're right. I was an asshole and you were totally, totally right to dump my butt." And I was suddenly totally fine with that idea. I tell you what, it drove him nuts, too But that was just a pleasant side effect of the main event.

 

I've since come to think that controllers actually work to make their victims feel that they must justify their every decision; it opens the door to further repression and control. As long as you're still willing to argue, that means there's a chance the controller can browbeat you into returning the reins to him/her. As long as they can still get a "rise" out of you, they still own you. Finally I got sick of how easy it was for my ex to drag me back into that oft-covered ground and refused to walk there anymore. It was hard at first to say utterly non-committal things like "I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy with my decision" and "That isn't a discussion I want to have right now, so let's talk about this other thing instead," even harder to hang up on the buttmunch if he didn't follow MY rules for a change, but it became habit after a short while. Saved my bacon when a fundie co-worker decided I was now her Pet Project a few years later! I would have gotten fired if she'd pulled that stunt back then!

 

By all this I don't mean a genuine dialogue of ideas in which both parties come together for understanding, of course, but you already know the difference, I perceive.

[jbgood]

@FeelHappy: Thanks for the note. I'm probably looking at a revision anyway which will include reasons... we'll see where I end up.

 

@Alkheia:

I suddenly had this revelation, this blinding flash of the obvious, this bolt from the blue, that this person was no longer my problem, that I didn't have to make him understand anything.

 

Well, I'll have to wait for that day, I suppose I find for me, it's not purely about arguments... it's that I have this subconscious meta-awareness that thinks everyone who knew me as a Christian is constantly envisioning the "now me" and the "Christian me" and clearly knows which one they'd prefer. Like they're still find hanging out with me and being friends... but it's not like we all don't know what version they'd clearly choose if they could have either.

 

Or simply that others don't think I've done enough, or read enough, or whatever. Hopefully that will pass. Thanks again for the discussion and I'm glad you found a good place with your relationships. I don't think I have anything quite like that (no one's abusive to me or trying to control me), but I still live in the shadow of my own critical nature, always wondering when I can stop wondering if I got things right after all.

[Akheia]

Are you sure nobody's trying to control you? You wrote a 10-page paper to address people who won't agree with your decision. They may not be threatening you physically, but I perceive that you seem very nervous about their approval and willing to go to extreme lengths to get it. When you give people that kind of power over you, they tend to very happily use it. That habit of second-guessing yourself may not be something that popped fully-grown from your forehead like Athena.

 

Church friends are probably always going to prefer "church you." You're not going to find the magic words to make them suddenly like "freethinker you" better. Only time will show them that you're still "wonderful you." But that may just take time to sink in. Try to be gentle to yourself. If the research you did in de-converting isn't enough, then holy cow, most of the rest of us are in trouble.

[mymistake]

Are you sure nobody's trying to control you?

 

I know if I came out to the world people would try to control me. I have at least four relatives who would be on my back pestering me. And I can think of at least half a dozen friends who would be on my case. And there would be at least two pastors who would look into it. I don't consider my family to be unusual as far as Christians go. It's quite typical.

 

I really don't need all that crap. Announcing it to the world is a big deal. So kudos to those with the courage to face that head on. I guess sometimes it's better to get it over with.

[Akheia]

I have a lot of admiration for both you and jb. In a way I got lucky--when I left the church for good, it was at the same time as leaving behind an abusive relationship, so my leaving involved an international move guaranteed to remove me completely from that entire environment. That's why I can't and won't judge someone who takes a long time to disentangle--I can't really say I'd do it any differently if I had to remain among believers.

[OMneg]

My current conclusion is that we have little, if any, choice. Our past experiences, background knowledge,

biases, surrounding environment (e.g. our social groups), and observed data serve as inputs, and a belief

is the agglomerated output. My experience has aligned quite well with this interpretation. I didn’t

experience a sense of rejecting or turning away from God or religion – my belief simply stopped being there.

I add these thoughts, as I have often been met with pleas to simply “return to the faith” or to “choose to

believe again.” Unfortunately, I don’t think it works like that. On hot topics, there is a deep temptation

to place beliefs into the category of choice, for it allows one to attribute blame in the face of conflicting

views. I now see things differently: if you had the same inputs (biology, background knowledge, biases,

etc.), you would have the same resultant output, the same belief.

This becomes clearer in unambiguous areas. Imagine choosing, right now, to believe in a green sky,

that the earth is flat, or that the first religion you can think of (other than your own) is the one that is

actually true. Don’t simply imagine performing actions that would logically follow from these beliefs (not

traveling by boat if the world were flat); imagine literally choosing to be convinced of their truth-hood

instantaneously. I suspect that this is a difficult or impossible exercise. To imagine yourself believing

in the face of some contradictory evidence, say believing that the sky is green despite knowing that your

eyes see blue, doesn’t even compute as a possibility. Well, that, or you are able to brainwash yourself on

command.

jbgood, This is one of my favorite parts. A lot of us feel guilty and/or stupid for believing such silliniess for so long. I like how you explain that it isn't much of a choice. You go on to explain that leaving isn't a choice and give a great example of it. I also love the poem by Gendlin. -OMneg

[Blue elephant]

Well written. You should manage to keep the religius folk engaged and reading on with this piece of writing. I am fairly sure that you will not evoke too many of those shrill hysterical responses with this explanation. I think you should just keep this avaiable and draw someone's attention to where it is located if and when some conversation leads in that direction.

 

Having read the experiences of others on these forums, I think that the need for a sudden global announcement usually evokes a strong reaction from those who are still stuck in mindless belief. If you do a global announcement, you will possibly have multiple reactions to deal with - all at the same time. Are you sure you have the energy to deal with that? And would'nt you perhaps prefer to direct your energy to living a new and happy life instead?

 

If the issue is the reaction from your wife's circle of acquaintences, perhaps you could give her permission to direct people to your statement as she fit?

[jbgood]

Are you sure nobody's trying to control you? You wrote a 10-page paper to address people who won't agree with your decision. They may not be threatening you physically, but I perceive that you seem very nervous about their approval and willing to go to extreme lengths to get it.

Gotcha, and very well put. I hadn't thought of it like that. I do want approval and feel quite uneasy just letting things go and living my life. I have a desire to be respected for what I've endured and tried to do, even if my conclusions have not agreed with those around me. Whether or not I'll get that satisfaction is a completely different story!

 

When you give people that kind of power over you, they tend to very happily use it... You're not going to find the magic words to make them suddenly like "freethinker you" better. Only time will show them that you're still "wonderful you." But that may just take time to sink in. Try to be gentle to yourself. If the research you did in de-converting isn't enough, then holy cow, most of the rest of us are in trouble.

Thanks for the encouragement. Whether rationally or not, I don't think they will "happily use" power over me, but I could be wrong. I don't know if I said this, but most of my closer friends (the ones I actually care about) have known for quite some time: at least a year. None of them have tried to control me save perhaps 1-2, and since an initial spat, it's never come up again. The most "controlling" thing I've sensed is someone continually trying to add to my book list (i.e. I'm not justified in non-belief until I finish their book challenge du jour), someone asking me if my relationship with my father was a contributor to my deconversion, someone calling me crazy for doubting the gospels, and someone asking why I should live at all if I no longer believe in god.

 

Now that I explicitly write those out, they do sound controlling Like I said, though, this was very early on and thus in the peak moments of emotional response for the examples above.

 

@OMneg:

This is one of my favorite parts.

Yay! Glad you liked it. I spent a lot of time thinking about belief. Is it chosen, isn't it? Many people really, really seemed to think it was in the area of belief, even my former small group leader. I wanted to put that in there, as I hoped others might be less inclined to attribute blame or get upset at me as a person for holding different beliefs. We'll see if it has such an effect!

 

@Blue elephant:

If you do a global announcement, you will possibly have multiple reactions to deal with - all at the same time. Are you sure you have the energy to deal with that? And would'nt you perhaps prefer to direct your energy to living a new and happy life instead?

Very good point! I've been getting more and more risky in my gmail statuses, to the point where I've linked to a post on Daylight Atheism that was inspired by an email exchange I had with Adam (the author) perhaps 1.5 years ago. Anyone who uses gmail can see the status and several have clicked it, which then usually takes them to my blog, and so on. A few have mentioned it, one even asking to video skype me so we could talk rather than him having to read what I write. I politely declined, citing that I anticipated lots of replies and that talking about religion was draining to me. He said he would understand if I declined.

 

Anyway, that came to mind given that this was a really, really small scale thing to do (gmail status). Indeed, what would the response flood be like were I to send this to 400 people? I'm guessing about 50-100 coffee requests. And, no, I'm not prepared to deal with that! Perhaps I should just leave it to informing people as the occasion presents itself. Thanks for the suggestion!