ericab Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 When my mother was about 40, she married a Christian man and became a born-again Evangelical Christian. Over the next couple of years, I watched her go from being a fairly liberal non-believer to being a far-right fundamentalist who cut out everything in her life that didn't revolve around Christianity, including her job and almost all of her family. She became strongly attached to an entirely different way of thinking. Now many years later, it's become apparent that her Christian way of life has manifested itself in her being a sexually-repressed person with deep shame about simply being a woman. When I'm around her and her husband, even I, having never been a part of any religion, get an uncomfortable vibe that I should be ashamed of being a woman too. If I were dressed in black robes from head to toe, I would be much more comfortable in their presence because jeans and a typical shirt or sweater reveal too much. I'm just stunned with how bad it's become. It's not an overt, direct condemnation of sexuality that I hear from them; It's a tension that comes through body language and some verbal cues. However, while spending extra time with my mother recently, she openly expressed the sexual shame she experiences, such as by running out of an acquaintance's birthday party at Hooters and demanding that we stop speaking about our dog's anatomy after his neutering surgery. I've started to more clearly see that the "vibe" I get around them is based on real sentiments. I'm concerned for my mother. She says that her shame stems from being abused in her pre-Christian life; Sure that sounds horrible, but she's distorting the meaning of the word "abuse." What that really means coming from her in particular is that she is ashamed of having been a "sex object" in her past when she had more freedom to be a sexual human being. In other words, mutual sexual enjoyment is abuse. In my mind, the sentiment in her community is abuse, and she doesn't recognize it. Being taught that we are to be ashamed of being ourselves, and thus undermining our self-worth, is abuse. Most importantly, focusing on shaming women's bodies is truly turning a woman into a "sex object." (On a side note, this is exactly what we're seeing with the contraception debate and Limbaugh's sentiments.) I really want to understand more of what's going on here and how this happened to her. I want to see if I can help her at all if I choose words wisely. I would really appreciate any thoughts or insights!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Welcome to ex-C. I'm sorry but if she is well indoctrinated there isn't much you can do for her. Maybe be a good example. Show her that you are better off. Gently remind her that you wish she had something better. If you try to do more it might end up in fights and damage your relationship. Sorry, but religion is very dividing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Wow, that's a great description of my fundamentalist mother. Non-verbal cues that sex and the female body were dirty. All I ever found out was that she thought of herself as a "bad child". No doubt in my mind that childhood abuse of some kind was involved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunaticheathen Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 This fucking infuriates me. No woman should be made to feel like less of a person just because of their anatomy. The same indoctrination almost got to me when I was in a fundie school, but I fought back. I declared my worth as a human being, and rejected the attitude that women aren't human. Sorry to say, but she'll have to break out of this herself. I like the idea of being a good example, and this is really all you can do. Don't, DON'T play into the attitude when around her. Counter it. Don't EVER let ANYONE make you ashamed for being born as you are. Don't let anyone tell you that your sexual autonomy is wrong. It's your body, and only you have to live with it. Hating it is counter-productive and wrong. And, to end, FUCK ALL THAT GODDAMN ABRAHAMIC MISOGYNY! ARISE SISTERS, AND CUT DOWN THE ABUSERS!!! Done ranting for now. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2Honest Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Hi, ericab. Welcome to the forum, I'm glad you found us. I appreciate the concern you have for your mom. My mom is a sexual abuse survivor and has been a Christian most of her life. She's mellowed a lot from when she was younger as far as her beliefs, but I can definitely see how her faith has made things worse for her. She's now an alcoholic and regularly has drinking binges where she cries and says she doesn't know why god has allowed these things to happen to her. It's really tough as adult children to know how to help our parents who are struggling. I'm not sure how much more you can do than you are now...just loving her and educating yourself on what she's involved in. Is she part of a particular group or "sect"? I only ask b/c her behavior (and her husband's) sound so cult-like. If so, maybe you can dig up some information about the group they're involved in and the person who leads the group. Although if she is in too deep no amount of information will deter her, most likely. Will she spend time with you one on one? That might be a good start, just hanging out with her without the husband around. Maybe then she'd start to open up a little more. There was an episode on The Thinking Atheist podcast recently about sex and religion. And there was also one on the Life After Faith podcast. I haven't listened to them yet, but maybe you could find some help there. http://www.thethinkingatheist.com/page/podcasts http://livingafterfaith.blogspot.com/search/label/sex Good luck to you. I hope you can find a way to reach her. ~2H 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agnosticator Posted March 5, 2012 Share Posted March 5, 2012 Welcome to Ex-C ericab! Maybe if she thought about these two verses, it might help her to realize God made women and sex. So sexuality was thought up and approved of by God Himself. Her sexual feelings come from God: Genesis 5:2 He created them male and female and blessed them. Mark 10:6 But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 Hi ericab! Wow, can I relate to this. My household of origin was similar--a great deal of repression and misogyny. My mother has always hated herself and has always exalted men. I grew up confused and hating myself, too. I know what you mean when you say "When I'm around her and her husband, even I...get an uncomfortable vibe that I should be ashamed of being a woman too". Misogyny seems to seep through people's very pores. Their eyes speak disdain. I can feel it on my skin. Ick. It's taken me years to over come this. I like what lunaticheathen said above. I think you should just leap up from the couch all of a sudden and shout her tirade! He he he. Please report back to us when you do that! Great to have you at ex-C. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 OMexG, I'm having flashbacks to church! Yuck. I hated the way they always made me feel just for being a woman and not having a God antenna penis. I'm still traumatized. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Llwellyn Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 My mother absolutely hates sex and anything sexual too. She and my father only ever had awkward forced kisses -- like two turtles kissing each other. She would lecture me constantly about avoiding "lust" and "sexual immorality." When I was in my mid-twenties, she told me that she has been experiencing life-long same sex attraction and that as a youngster she experimented with acting on those feelings. It is one of her major life-projects to control herself. In my family she's definitely the most homophobic, speaking out against homosexuals and homosexuality regularly. Sad, really that she has had to suffer so much because of abstract ideas. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeCoastie Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 My mother absolutely hates sex and anything sexual too. She and my father only ever had awkward forced kisses -- like two turtles kissing each other. She would lecture me constantly about avoiding "lust" and "sexual immorality." When I was in my mid-twenties, she told me that she has been experiencing life-long same sex attraction and that as a youngster she experimented with acting on those feelings. It is one of her major life-projects to control herself. In my family she's definitely the most homophobic, speaking out against homosexuals and homosexuality regularly. Sad, really that she has had to suffer so much because of abstract ideas. The University of Georgia did a study with men that showed a positive relation between homophobia and homosexual arousal. https://my.psychologytoday.com/files/u47/Henry_et_al.pdf In short they had two groups of men. They took a survey to see which ones were homophobic or not. They attached a device to their penises which would measure arousal and began showing them erotic films. Both groups showed equal arousal to heterosexual and lesbian porn, but when they showed man on man porn the homophobic group showed more arousal than the other group. If I meet a homophobic person I usually bring up this study. It pisses them off and they deny the credibility of the experiment. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unoder Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 I see a lot of parallels with my own mother who also hates sex, distrusts sexuality and is unduly obsessed with so called "sexual sins". It also doesn't help that the only man she ever slept with was a man she never loved (my father), so she has a very jaded view of sex, love and relationships in general and her negative attitude almost affected my own relationships until I was able to break free of the control. Most disturbingly, she conflates sexual abuse and rape with consensual sex between two adults. In her mind, it amounts to the same thing; a man "doing things" sexually to a woman. When growing up, she'd often opine that women don't really enjoy sex, that it's just something they do to please men who are all rabid, lustful potential abusers and rapists. You can probably imagine what her grim view of sexuality did to my sister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 I see a lot of parallels with my own mother who also hates sex, distrusts sexuality and is unduly obsessed with so called "sexual sins". It also doesn't help that the only man she ever slept with was a man she never loved (my father), so she has a very jaded view of sex, love and relationships in general and her negative attitude almost affected my own relationships until I was able to break free of the control. Most disturbingly, she conflates sexual abuse and rape with consensual sex between two adults. In her mind, it amounts to the same thing; a man "doing things" sexually to a woman. When growing up, she'd often opine that women don't really enjoy sex, that it's just something they do to please men who are all rabid, lustful potential abusers and rapists. Hi unoder!! Nice to see you on The Dark Side (the Forums!). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LivingLife Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 OMexG, I'm having flashbacks to church! Yuck. I hated the way they always made me feel just for being a woman and not having a God antenna penis. I'm still traumatized. LoL this was too phunny. Reality is, men know that women generally can get any god antenna they want by simply having a receptacle for it. We are but weak hominids ruled by our dicks. You see when we get an erection, there is not enough blood for the brain to function normally. As for the OP, this idea of repressed sexuality, esp. for women, leads many to have unfulfilled sex lives. Men generally need guidance as to what works and what does not and if you are shamed of your pussy, then you will be embarrassed to tell your partner who really needs help down under when young. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsRoper Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 ericab - It sounds like you have a really good handle on things already. I think the more you can stand tall around your mom and project to her your lack of shame, being a healthy role model may be the best you can do. Shame has never changed anyone, if anything it makes people stuck. I have found the writing of Brene Brown quite helpful in my own understanding of what shame is, and the damage it does to us. She's a vulnerability researcher, she has a great website and a couple really good books, her TED talks are online as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zephie Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 I am sorry to hear that your mom is going through this even more so that you pick up on it. There are too many wonderful women I know that are gonna be fucked up when they finally get to have sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzy Posted March 6, 2012 Share Posted March 6, 2012 My mother absolutely hates sex and anything sexual too. She and my father only ever had awkward forced kisses -- like two turtles kissing each other. She would lecture me constantly about avoiding "lust" and "sexual immorality." When I was in my mid-twenties, she told me that she has been experiencing life-long same sex attraction and that as a youngster she experimented with acting on those feelings. It is one of her major life-projects to control herself. In my family she's definitely the most homophobic, speaking out against homosexuals and homosexuality regularly. Sad, really that she has had to suffer so much because of abstract ideas. The University of Georgia did a study with men that showed a positive relation between homophobia and homosexual arousal. https://my.psycholog...Henry_et_al.pdf In short they had two groups of men. They took a survey to see which ones were homophobic or not. They attached a device to their penises which would measure arousal and began showing them erotic films. Both groups showed equal arousal to heterosexual and lesbian porn, but when they showed man on man porn the homophobic group showed more arousal than the other group. If I meet a homophobic person I usually bring up this study. It pisses them off and they deny the credibility of the experiment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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