Marriage Issue: Deconvert + Christian = ?

[inmyunbelief]

Hello all,

 

I deconverted from Christianity about a month ago, as the result of quite a bit of thinking (with quite a few periods of trying to ignore my other thinking) about my religious beliefs over a period of months. I've also been married for nearly 9 years, and my wife and I have two sons together.

 

We've had some marital issues in the past relating to some other things, but lately things had been going much better. When I had my epiphany about my (lack of) faith, I told my wife almost immediately (it happened in the middle of a church service, and I told her on the car ride home), and she has had multiple reactions since then. First, it was mildly negative (and almost patronizing); then it was more worried and bitter; it has since turned somewhat passive-aggressive, and she has turned to an old church (a charismatic mega-church-emulating congregation) for guidance, you might say, even seeking it from their pastor (a man I instinctively distrust, having met him a few times).

 

I've been trying to minimize the seriousness of this change, but my wife hasn't seen it that way. She was mildly religious before; now she seems more resolved to keep her faith now that I've lost mine. She's always been really preoccupied with heaven (especially after her much-beloved father passed away a few years ago), and now that factors into matters. And when I have sought out other freethinkers (including thinking about attending the Reason Rally in DC), her response has been that I'm just trying to persuade other people to become atheists, etc. It's become something of a wedge, and although we have had some reasonable discussions, it feels much more tense than ever between us.

 

Does anyone have any experience or relevant information that would help in this regard? The whole situation, coupled with my general anxiety about being almost entirely in the closet (only my wife, mother, and a few nonbelieving friends know), has gotten me really depressed, and any words of advice or even encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[dyanaprajna0]

I've been through something similar. I was married for about five years. About halfway through that is when I started having my doubts about xianity. It caused alot of tension in a relationship that was already nearly fated for failure to begin with (long story, not related). It ended up in divorce two years ago, and about six months after that is when I had completely lost all faith in god. We tried to work it out three times after that, each time she ended it, for stupid reasons, mind you. But, after I had come to the conclusion that it would never work between us, I gave up trying. She still seems to think there's hope, but I don't. One of the reasons, is because, about a year after the divorce, I converted to Buddhism; she has remained a xtian. She always told me, that we can't be together unless I give up Buddhism, because, as the bible says "be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers" or some bullshit and nonsense like that. I would like to tell you that things would work out. I would like to give you encouragement and hope. But, all I can tell you is that I've been through something similar, and it fell apart in the end. What's weird about it now is, that me and my ex are closer as friends than we were as marriage partners. So, if a breakup does occur (and I hope it doesn't), it may not be a bad thing. It turned out that way for me.

[mymistake]

Welcome to ex-C. I wish I had some good advise. I'm kind of in the same boat only with a few of the numbers changed here and there. I want to keep my marriage. Maybe we can. I hope so. You sound like you want to keep yours too. The most unexpected part of coming out about being atheist is now my wife thinks I might cheat on her. Maybe she thought fear of God was the only thing giving me a moral compass. It's too early to tell but I'm going to try to be a good example and demonstrate that I can be trusted. It helps that I don't want to de-convert my wife. I also avoid the details on what is wrong with Christianity. I don't need to talk with her about that. No good would come from it.

 

Best of luck. Please keep us posted.

[Guest danny64]

_{not sure why im responding...i have no good news. you are where i was 4 years ago. 4 years have passed. im divorced, raising my kids for the most part alone, and my ex is an antogonist, not a help or a friend. i do get child support, but that's about all i the help i recieve. but im getting way ahead of your situation.}

 

_{if i could do it over...i dont know what if anything i could do different. i could not live with her condemnation and attitude. she was bad, but the part that wasnt her fault was that she also represented (to me) the judgement of my larger family, extended friends, co-workers...really the society i live in (red neck bible belt red state) and that part is not/was not her fault.}

 

_{i wish you the best. people that are very different can have a good relationship. my ex and i couldnt. but there were other issues. i hope both of you realize what is at stake.}

[Positivist]

Several people here are experiencing this issue of "mixed marriage" between a believer and unbeliever. My husband has gone from charismatic Christian to agnostic as I have gone from charismatic Christian to atheist. So, I can't really speak to the issue as well as others. I ran across this last night however, and thought of you:

 

http://www.kwdaniels.com/1/category/mixed%20marriage/1.html

 

Ken Daniels was a Wycliffe missionary when he lost his faith. He remains married to his believing wife. Hope that helps!

[gypsy79]

inmyunbelief, my husband also went through a period where he got more religious when I deconverted. Before, he hardly ever went to church even though he is a Christian, but as soon as I told him I was an atheist, he started attending church again and even bought a new Bible. That went on for about a year, and then one day it stopped. I’m not sure what’s going on in his head since I don’t think he’d tell me even if he was having doubts.

 

For him, it works best when we simply don’t talk about it. He knows where I stand, but he was defensive when I first deconverted. Now that I’ve stopped yakking about it all the time, he is no longer defensive and is back to his normal self.

 

Like you, I am also in the closet. Have been for years. Only my husband and new friends know. I live a few towns away from family and old church friends, so they don’t know I don’t go to church. I don’t lie about it or keep up an act; I just don’t mention it, and I go silent when other people start talking about the tribulation and the antichrist and shit like that.

 

Being in the closet used to make me anxious and depressed, but it doesn’t bother me anymore. The longer I am an atheist, the less I think or worry about religion or what I used to believe. I never thought the day would come, but honestly, I just don’t care about it anymore. Used to come here all the time to interact with others in my boat, but now I go long stretches where I don’t even think about it.

 

Not sure if this helps, but I thought we had enough in common that I should share that with you. Best wishes to you.

[mymistake]

. . . but honestly, I just don’t care about it anymore. Used to come here all the time to interact with others in my boat, but now I go long stretches where I don’t even think about it.

 

Congratulations of being cured! I hope we all reach your level someday.

[Akheia]

Welcome I don't have a lot of advice either as I didn't stay with my believer ex (but that wasn't because of Christianity, but because he was abusive). But there are lots of mixed marriages out there quietly moving along in love and contentment and not pinging our radar. My now-husband's parents were one such marriage--he was a lifelong atheist, and she's a die-hard Christian who is very committed to her faith. They were together till his death, some 25 years, and were really about the most devoted, loving couple one could possibly imagine. Right now your wife sounds like she's making the difference between you more important than what's still the same, but in time I hope she calms down and realizes that there's still lots of that sameness there to capitalize on. If you guys think it might help, a counselor might be able to help you navigate these choppy waters faster than doing it on y'all's own.

[Discern]

My wife still believes in God, and I deconverted over a year ago. She has actually been supportive and doesn't mind discussions. I initially told her that I didn't want to influence her or cause her to lose her faith or anything. But she said "no, discuss it with me, and if it makes sense, it make sense, if I don't agree, then I'll say so." She's somewhat like Spock from Star Trek - very logic-based a lot of the time. She also said to me once regarding the bible, "If it's the truth, then you shouldn't be afraid to look into it."

She sees a lot of the problems with the bible, and has also voiced her own doubts about certain things. We debate religious topics, but not once has it descended into an actual serious argument. Personally I'm lucky I married a girl that wasn't a church kid. If she was indoctrinated in fundamentalism from the start, I don't know how things would've turned out.

 

What I've noticed with many dedicated christians, is that there seems to be one or two circumstances in their life where they truly believe God healed them, or saved them from a particularly bad event. It was that experience that cements their belief in God, and I can imagine it would be difficult to shake them from that.