How Did You Learn To Trust Yourself?

[Wings]

How did you learn to trust yourself? Cope? Make good decisions?

 

I'm burning up the forums this week and want to thank everyone again (and in advance) for your comments.

My question here may have been asked in the past (and has certainly been alluded to in other posts), but as a brand new agnostic/atheist, I'm struggling to cope without having a framework/worldview to lean on- hope you can help.

 

Old habits die hard. When I tried to post this message the first time and my computer froze, I immediately thought, "maybe this is god's way of telling me not to be on this site!" Today, when an important something at work fell through, two thoughts which came to mind included: "maybe god is punishing me" and "everything happens for a reason and this is god's will, telling me to take a different path."

 

You might recognize yourself in my words/thoughts... My disbelief is pretty strong and I can rationalize the god-guilt away, sure. But I dream of the days when these messages won't dominate my thought patterns.

 

This brings me back to my question... how did you learn to trust yourself?

 

What I realized along with these thoughts today is that I have NO IDEA how to trust myself or make smart decisions. I'm not saying that I do particularly dumb things... but I've always been able to fall back on the "it must be his plan or will" excuse/argument before now. I've always gone on prayer and god-given "gut feelings" and "whatever will be will be." When there's a plan beyond your control, good or bad, it seriously inhibits your (my) personal responsibility. And now that I can't trust god (or most friends and family) to plan and will my life, I've got to figure this out.

 

This is particularly important at this time in my life since I'm embarking on a new career, am not attached to any particular relationship or tied to any specific location, etc. etc. My only fear at this point is failure... not because I attach my personal value to material success, but because I really don't want to give anyone a reason to say, "this is god's way of telling you to come back, bla bla bla."

 

As much as I'm excited about creating my own life, the responsibility is daunting. I know there is no cure-all solution or answer, but if you have any strategies or want to share your own coping story, that'd be great!

 

Take care, ~K

[flockoff]

You always were trusting yourself. "God" was just taking the credit.

[OMneg]

kristenvdv, Welcome! Glad you made it out. flockoff said it perfectly. YOU have been making all of your decisions, the good and the bad. Take some time to pat yourself on the back. It can be a difficult transition and I felt very similar to what you do. Right after my deconversion my life started falling apart. I was firm in my lack of belief but there was that nagging fear that maybe God was punishing me for leaving. I realized that I had faced a lot worse in the past and that I was scared because it was the first time I had to face hardship without him. I had a potentially big career opportunity come at me from nowhere and I had to make this huge decision without God. It was tough at first but I reasoned it out and I made the right decision. I'm sure if I had still been a Christian, I would have given him the credit. You wrote: I really don't want to give anyone a reason to say, "this is god's way of telling you to come back, bla bla bla." You're going to hear that regardless. If life is good, it's 'God is good'. If it's bad, it's 'everything happens for a reason.' There isn't any reasoning with religious people. Being newly deconverted you can probably remember that (or maybe you weren't as obnoxiously irrational as I was). I wish you well in your new journey and new career. OMneg

[London]

Old habits die hard. When I tried to post this message the first time and my computer froze, I immediately thought, "maybe this is god's way of telling me not to be on this site!" Today, when an important something at work fell through, two thoughts which came to mind included: "maybe god is punishing me" and "everything happens for a reason and this is god's will, telling me to take a different path."

We've all been there. It seems weird to not think it that at first. Eventually you will drive yourself crazy and decide you need to stop thinking that. For me anyhow, that's how it happened. I just decided it was dumb to even entertain that thought and stopped.

 

You might recognize yourself in my words/thoughts... My disbelief is pretty strong and I can rationalize the god-guilt away, sure. But I dream of the days when these messages won't dominate my thought patterns.

It will go away. And when you do think it's gods message it will only be because you are making fun of it, not because you are doubting. You'll say things in a sarcastic way "Oh yeah, must be gods will, LOL"

 

This brings me back to my question... how did you learn to trust yourself?

 

What I realized along with these thoughts today is that I have NO IDEA how to trust myself or make smart decisions. I'm not saying that I do particularly dumb things... but I've always been able to fall back on the "it must be his plan or will" excuse/argument before now. I've always gone on prayer and god-given "gut feelings" and "whatever will be will be." When there's a plan beyond your control, good or bad, it seriously inhibits your (my) personal responsibility. And now that I can't trust god (or most friends and family) to plan and will my life, I've got to figure this out.

 

This is particularly important at this time in my life since I'm embarking on a new career, am not attached to any particular relationship or tied to any specific location, etc. etc. My only fear at this point is failure... not because I attach my personal value to material success, but because I really don't want to give anyone a reason to say, "this is god's way of telling you to come back, bla bla bla."

 

As much as I'm excited about creating my own life, the responsibility is daunting. I know there is no cure-all solution or answer, but if you have any strategies or want to share your own coping story, that'd be great!

 

You don't second guess yourself, by making your own plan, thinking it through and then living it. You have to be responsible for who you are, what you do, and why you do it. You just decide what type of person you want to be and stick to it. Don't let other people make you feel bad about being yourself. Even if people disagree with your opinions, taste in music, career choices, the bottom line is... it's your life and you have to live it. You get to decide.

 

There is no divine sign that something is directing you on this path or that path. Sometimes life just takes turns, and mostly it's because of a choice we made. Good and bad, it's just life, but you are in the directors chair now, no one else gets to make the rules.

 

You sound like you are in a position to embark on a great adventure. And don't be fooled, we all fail at this or that, but it's not the end of the world. Fail, learn, grow. I think you are going to have a great new life. You will see that failure is not really a bad thing. And eventually you get the attitude of "what's the worst that can happen? I fail? whatever, no biggie."

 

You learn from experience that life is not that hard outside of xianity. It's very freeing. Stopping the "god" thoughts will take a while but when it stops you will feel released. If it gets really hard, replace any thought with a crazy word. So when you begin to doubt or thing that god... blah blah blah... just say something like "pumpernickle" or "elephant shoes", something so ridicilous that it reminds you that the thought are also ridicilous. How about "unicorn attack"? That one makes me laugh.

 

Bottom line, it gets better.

[Eugene39]

I don't know that I'll ever trust myself. All religious over-tones aside, we humans have quite the capacity to make both good and bad decisions. The main thing is learning from the decisions - to accept the consequences and learn to do things differently next time. Of course, you'll always have the God-squad's opinion that if you'd been following God, that you wouldn't have made the bad decision, but that can't be followed up with examples of Christians making only good decisions.

 

As others have mentioned, you were making your own decisions all along. Here's a link to Richard Dawkin's website that you can follow to the entire story if you're interested. http://richarddawkins.net/articles/4691-creating-god-in-one-39-s-own-image To me, it's a scientific explanation that we were following our own thoughts, hunches, and feelings all along.

[Margee]

Hi kristenvdv! I was just thinking this morning that if I wanted to directly speak to you, I would make my 'contact' to you so utterly convincing, that you would have no doubt that it was me trying to 'get your attention', so to speak.

If god is all the 3 'o's' like they told us......Omnipotent, Omnipresent, and Omniscient...wouldn't you think that 'he' could get your attention a little better than your computer shutting down?

 

Wouldn't it be so nice that this all powerful god could manifest 'himself' so clearly, that we wouldn't spend our whole lives guessing if it was him speaking to us. Surely he could find a way to make himself more convincing than some of these little 'signs' we think could be from him????? Why not manifest himself to you and sit right down and have a nice talk to you??? If jesus died and came back from the dead and showed himself to all the people - surely he could do that for us who wanted so badly to follow him.

 

Making your own decisions is always a little scary. We want to do the right thing.Trusting and allowing yourself to make mistakes is 'big'. When I follow my gut, I'm NOT always sure it the best thing, but at the time I think it is and I follow my inner instinsts.

 

Waiting on god was always such a god damned 'drag', because you had to try and figure out so many things. We wanted it so desperetly to be 'god's will'. For example... taking on a new job. I would think to myself...god wouldn't want me there because so many people at this establishment are not christian.....they drink, smoke, curse, tell dirty jokes and that wouldn't be good for me. THEN I would think...well maybe he does want me there to 'witness' to all these terrible people who are not saved!! I am soooooo glad I don't have to do that anymore. If the job pays fair money and it's close to home and the people seem nice - I can take it and not worry about if it was 'his' fucking will'.

 

Step out hon and trust your instinsts. If they end up being wrong....so be it.....on to the next desision. It's OK to say that decision didn't work out!! It's always nice to have a 'mentor' that you trust their intelligence to help guild you.

 

Just use a little logic and rational thinking, when making decisions. Look at the pros and cons of anything you are about to get involved with........ and that includes relationships!! Don't ever overlook the 'bad' signs'!! Find out if that person, place or institution seems to be in a 'healthy' and productive state!

 

You're going to do just fine - I know it....you're too smart!!

[2Honest]

What I realized along with these thoughts today is that I have NO IDEA how to trust myself or make smart decisions. I'm not saying that I do particularly dumb things... but I've always been able to fall back on the "it must be his plan or will" excuse/argument before now. I've always gone on prayer and god-given "gut feelings" and "whatever will be will be." When there's a plan beyond your control, good or bad, it seriously inhibits your (my) personal responsibility. And now that I can't trust god (or most friends and family) to plan and will my life, I've got to figure this out.

 

I agree with what the others said - that you HAVE been making your own decisions and creating your own life all this time. That is something that really helps me - to know that all those times when I was "losing it" and trusting God to get me through, I was really getting myself through! Once I really came to believe that, I realized how strong I actually am. Christianity is so damaging because it teaches us that we are incapable of living life on our own. I fully believed that without God I'd be insane and unable to function. But the truth is that it was my belief in God that was making me crazy! And it was my belief in my inability that made me unable!

 

You are so much stronger than you know. Take a look at your life from a different perspective. Look at the things you have been through and see what you were able to endure and accomplish on your own. That will give you a lot of courage and confidence for the future. You ARE fully capable of making good decisions and coping with whatever comes your way.

 

My only fear at this point is failure... not because I attach my personal value to material success, but because I really don't want to give anyone a reason to say, "this is god's way of telling you to come back, bla bla bla."

 

I think your motivation for success must change. Let go of the opinions and observations of the people around you. If they don't have your best interests at heart then who cares what the hell they think. They will criticize and find fault no matter what. Your life is about what YOU want now and what makes YOU happy. So base your decisions and your definition of success on that.

 

And above all - HAVE FUN! This is a new chapter of life for you. You can make whatever life you want. That's an exciting place to be, so enjoy it!

 

Hugs,

2H

[FeelHappy]

Old habits die hard. When I tried to post this message the first time and my computer froze, I immediately thought, "maybe this is god's way of telling me not to be on this site!" Today, when an important something at work fell through, two thoughts which came to mind included: "maybe god is punishing me" and "everything happens for a reason and this is god's will, telling me to take a different path."

 

I was a pretty solid tithe giver. I remembered once when my dad lost his job someone he hadn't spoken to for 15 years called him up and offered him a job, surely this was proof of god paying my dad back for years of service. So I gave and gave, I often gave above and beyond my tithe.

 

I always remembered the scripture where god tells israel to test him with tithes (Malachi 3:10) and I had a good job and got a consistent raise so surely I was being blessed. So as my faith was weakening, I decided to "test" the other way and stopped giving my tithe. I found that oddly (well it should have been common sense), I actually had more money for bills and savings. The sky didn't fall down, I didn't lose my job, my house didn't burn, ect...

 

Here's the thing, good things happen, bad things happen both to the theist and non-theist. You keeping or losing your job has nothing to do with divine intervention. This is a poor economy, 8-10% of people are out of work, jobs lay off people all the time. Sadly this is just the way things are. There are godless people prospering, there are godly people in poverty, surely something is wrong with this if god intervenes?

[mymistake]

Lots of good advise so far.

 

Sometimes you just have to do your best and then be optimistic that the rest will be okay. Basically that is what you did before only without believing in God.

 

If you want to improve your decision making abilities then logic, science, math, statistics, information and so on will help. Your own intuition has value too so when your gut tells you something ask why.