Afraid Of Success

[Kurari]

I just need to blurt this out somewhere to somebody, because I'm feeling frustrated and really depressed right now.

 

I seem to have a raging fear of success that is sabotaging my life. I've recently started a new business as a court transcriptionist and paralegal support specialist. It's good, interesting work. I graduated top of my class last summer in transcription school and landed a sweet contracting deal. It allows me to work from home, lets me set my own hours, and I make more money that I ever have before. I have already done a lot to make my contractors thrilled to death with me, helped revamp processes, and it seemed I was shooting to the top.

 

I recently just finished a really big project, and I -- fucked it up. Fucked it up in ways that are completely mystifying to me, because I KNOW better than this. I turned out pure shit, and I knew I was doing it. I waffled around, couldn't get into the flow, didn't manage my time, got confused easily on stuff I've done before, and made some spectacularly BAD judgement calls. I felt just totally disoriented the entire time I was working on it, and panicking didn't help.

 

Needless to say, my contractors are REALLY not happy with me and my work, and are wondering what they saw in me in the first place.

 

I feel just so utterly humiliated and stupid right now. This is an old pattern of mine. I start becoming successful and I will inevitably do something to screw myself over.

 

I have one last chance to stop screwing up and show improvement, and I am worrying deeply that I am just plain not going to make it happen. I have the skills to do so. But some part of me doesn't want to succeed because succeeding is bad.

 

I don't know. Help...thoughts, advice, encouragement...has anybody else gone through this?

[Yrth]

Just give your absolute best effort to what you're doing! That's really all you can do, isn't it? Focus on how to sustain your effort is my advice -- work with a partner, don't work at home, things like that. You will be all right.

[older]

Are you afraid of getting in over your head? Perhaps you should slow it down and move forward in smaller steps. Some advice I once received was that it's OK to turn down a job, particularly when it may be too far beyond what you think you can handle. In my profession this was important as there were many specialists and taking something outside of your area of expertise could get you in deep water quickly, particularly since the saying in the business was, "You are only as good as your last assignment."

 

Also remember that Babe Ruth may have hit 714 home runs, but he also struck out 1330 times. While we need a better average than that in business, it's OK to swing and miss.

[ToonForever]

Boy do I understand what you mean. There was a time when I did the same thing to myself. When things would start going well, I'd sort of freeze - like I didn't know how to continue to be successful. Because I'd failed so much, and that's what I was used to, and jumped from job to job, that's what I knew how to do. I didn't know how to be the person that people trusted and to whom they gave responsibility.

 

After many, many years of barely making ends meet here's what I realized:

 

Nobody gives a shit about you but you.

 

Stay with me for a minute, please, because this is a good thing. Nobody cares if you make it or not. It's all in your hands. Nobody's sitting around waiting for you to fuck up, and nobody's sitting around with your potential success as the first thing on their mind. They're only thinking about what they need you to do.

 

That's not to say employers don't care about their employees at all. They do, but it's all about the job first - then they care.

 

Don't worry about what they think, or what their expectations are. Do this for yourself. Make success YOUR expectation - insist that you will be successful for yourself, by yourself, by doing the things that make you successful.

 

My second tip is:

 

Fake it till you make it.

 

If you're like I was (and can still be at moments) your head drops, you say, "here I go again." You feel inferior, like everyone around you is judging you. But it isn't true.

 

You know what it looks like to be confident and successful. You know how it looks, walks, dresses and talks. Just do that. Walk with your eyes up, not at the ground. Talk your best game. Do the things that someone who actually is successful would do, even when you don't feel like it. At that moment when you don't feel like you're on your game, when it seems like you're making all the wrong choices, pause - think it through - look at the work in front of you and ask yourself what success looks like. Then do that. Not for them. For yourself.

 

I'm not saying it's easy. But you have to remember there are no guarantees. You don't have to be successful. There's no promise anywhere. But you get to make that choice for yourself.

 

It will come around. Don't settle for your old patterns. There's only today. Walk and talk like what success looks like. You'll make it a habit.

 

I hope this makes sense. Good luck.

[owen652]

As soon as I saw 'afraid of success' I thought, 'that's me'. The weight of expectation is always paralyzing to me, and as soon as i start going really well with something, or I have a great opportunity, I don't so much stuff it up as act like a deer in headlights; I just don't do anything and suddenly lose all motivation, then spiral into depression over it. I find it very difficult to get motivated to action in case I fail on the one hand, because that would be humiliating, or succeed on the other, because that would present even more expectations that I wouldn't be able to live up to. It really is a case of self-confidence, I realize that, but knowing it and overcoming it are two different things. I'm so glad you posted this, because already, some of the responses have really spoken to my situation so I know they will speak to you too. Good luck, you are not alone with this.

[Kurari]

Just give your absolute best effort to what you're doing! That's really all you can do, isn't it? Focus on how to sustain your effort is my advice -- work with a partner, don't work at home, things like that. You will be all right.

 

Unfortunately, it's not. I wish it were. This is like my brain has been taken over, and I get confused on how to do things I know how to do well and just plain do not see obvious mistakes that I would normally notice. So, trying just means I screw up even worse. This is a powerful mental block that is destroying me.

[ConureDelSol]

Kurari, I have that problem as well. In my case though, I set my goals really high and plan to be successful, then realize how hard it is, then get depressed and screw everything up.

 

I kinda just go in a downwards spiral from the top, you went to the top and just got knocked down a little. That has got to hurt. I don't know exactly how and what you screwed up but you seem to be the person who might get frantic over small things. Do you take anything to help with panicky moments? I know Ativan helps a lot. Whenever I'm totally freak out I take one so I can prevent making those kind of mistakes.

[blackpudd1n]

Just give your absolute best effort to what you're doing! That's really all you can do, isn't it? Focus on how to sustain your effort is my advice -- work with a partner, don't work at home, things like that. You will be all right.

 

Unfortunately, it's not. I wish it were. This is like my brain has been taken over, and I get confused on how to do things I know how to do well and just plain do not see obvious mistakes that I would normally notice. So, trying just means I screw up even worse. This is a powerful mental block that is destroying me.

 

My advice would be to seek professional help- ie. seeing a psychologist.

 

i think you may be trying to deal with something more than a fear of failure. I'm not sure what your history is, and in particular with regards to xtianity, but xtianity gave me an extremist mindset. It's a thought-process, a habit in your ways of thinking. For me, it manifests as an "all or nothing" approach to life, and it is extremely unhealthy. I burn out regularly. And yet... When I recover a bit, I'm into it again, harder than before. I beat myself up for the slightest failure. I must go higher, achieve more.

 

but I have come to realise that it is unhealthy for me. My life is suffering, along with my relationship. I get so stressed out I turn into a monster that my fiancee bears the brunt of. And I hate it. So I am taking my own advice here, and I, too, am seeking help. I'm waiting on the change-over with my psych nurse to happen, and this will be the first thing we work on. It impacts upon everything- my ability to time manage, my stress management, my performance, and my over-all well-being.

 

I mean, for fuck's sake, I am unwell, and I still stubbornly refuse to defer my current university stuff. it would probably be in my best interests, but I cannot allow myself to stop. Deferring equals failure in my extremist mind...

 

This is really uncomfortable to talk about. But does it sound like what you're experiencing at all? Oh, and I don't allow much time for myself, either. Everyone and everything else comes first. This is my extremist mind.

[Kurari]

As soon as I saw 'afraid of success' I thought, 'that's me'. The weight of expectation is always paralyzing to me, and as soon as i start going really well with something, or I have a great opportunity, I don't so much stuff it up as act like a deer in headlights; I just don't do anything and suddenly lose all motivation, then spiral into depression over it. I find it very difficult to get motivated to action in case I fail on the one hand, because that would be humiliating, or succeed on the other, because that would present even more expectations that I wouldn't be able to live up to. It really is a case of self-confidence, I realize that, but knowing it and overcoming it are two different things. I'm so glad you posted this, because already, some of the responses have really spoken to my situation so I know they will speak to you too. Good luck, you are not alone with this.

 

This is EXACTLY what's going on with me. I'm scared if I become successful, too much will be expected of me. I also get that horrible "Deer in the headlights" feeling because when you're a deer in the headlights, you're a vulnerable target. This is an old, and uncomfortably familiar feeling for me. I was a very abused child at home and at school, so being "put on the spot" and perform was terrifying to me, because it inevitably meant that I was a target.

 

So, in spite of being very talented, I can't ever use what I KNOW I can do.

 

Nobody gives a shit about you but you.

Fake it till you make it.

 

Thanks, Toon. I've got the faking bit down pat. I talk a great game (about stuff I actually CAN do) and then can't follow through. THEN people give a shit about me -- getting rid of me.

 

But I got what you mean. You gave me food for thought. Thanks.

[owen652]

 

 

So, in spite of being very talented, I can't ever use what I KNOW I can do.

 

 

 

that is EXACTLY how I feel. I've got a lot of artistic talent, and people have been reminding me of that my whole life, yet perhaps it's precisely because of that constant reminding and even encouragement, ironically, that my talents have become impotent.

[ToonForever]

So, in spite of being very talented, I can't ever use what I KNOW I can do.

 

 

 

that is EXACTLY how I feel. I've got a lot of artistic talent, and people have been reminding me of that my whole life, yet perhaps it's precisely because of that constant reminding and even encouragement, ironically, that my talents have become impotent.

 

I tell you both it's tough, and it doesn't ever completely go away, but you can push through it. It feels awkward and fake and sometimes it feels like you're just about to be found out, but you muddle through and learn you're as capable as you told them you were.

 

Good luck

[Kurari]

So, in spite of being very talented, I can't ever use what I KNOW I can do.

 

 

 

that is EXACTLY how I feel. I've got a lot of artistic talent, and people have been reminding me of that my whole life, yet perhaps it's precisely because of that constant reminding and even encouragement, ironically, that my talents have become impotent.

 

That's exactly what happened to me. I had my own graphic arts and writing business. I've been published all over the world. I had publishers come and speak to me about becoming an author and selling books.

 

I turned them down. I burned out and never recovered. I can no longer create stories anymore.

 

Which is a pity. That would have been really cool.

[Margee]

Kurari, I am going to tell you a little of my story and maybe you may be able to relate to a couple of things. I have been in business for myself since I was 19 years old. I look back now (38 years) and I ask myself if it was all worth it...this whole concept of being successful?

 

In my own opinion, people should be afraid of 'success' to a certain degree. Please hear me out. There is a price to pay if you are following the 'world's standards of 'success'. Yeah, Donald Trump looks real good to the world...but I wonder just how easy his life really is? He says you can't be successful unless you're involved with a lawsuit?? Nice. Read some of his personal story....I wouldn't want his life........(yeah I'd like to have a bit of his money) but I wonder if he wishes sometimes he could lead a more simple life? I wonder what he really feels when he is all by himself? I often wonder, how many of these very 'sucessful' people are really happy?

 

I read a story one time, of a doctor who made $300,000.00 a year and his receptionist who made $30,000.00 a year and guess who saved more money and had an easier, simpler, happier life? The receptionist. The doctor burned out and killed himself.

 

If you want to meet the 'world's standards of 'success', there will be blood and guts to pay, because this means your whole life will be dedicated to your work, you will spend all your time 'people pleasing' to the bullies of the world who will threaten to withdraw their business with you if you don't give them what they want. And they can want a lot!! Sometimes much more than they're willing to pay you!!

 

With the world's definition of success you will be doing everything in your power to make all that money that we think will buy us happiness. Now, there is nothing wrong with earning a good salary to make sure you can have the best life possible. Personally, the more I earned, the more I spent. I got caught up in the 'trap' of looking VERY successful' to the world, but I was a mess. I lost myself in it. I was on a treadmill and didn't know how to get off.

 

If success is to build up one's self esteem and look important, so the world can look at you and say, 'Isn't she so 'successful'... there will also be blood and guts to pay. I found these 2 things (wanting a lot of money and lack of self es-teem and wanting to look important to the world) caused me burnout, big time, when I was your age. I owned a huge beauty salon and employed 17 people, was the champion of my province for hairstyling and cutting, owned a house and a cottage and the house that the business was in. I WAS very successful in the world's eyes. I had every material thing a girl could want and flew to Florida twice a year. I made a shitload of money back then.

 

It was also when I started to drink. I couldn't handle it all. I did not know that about myself at 30 years old. My story in a nutshell........lost it all within a short period of time, including a very good marriage and my sanity. I paid with 'blood and guts'...so to say...

 

My point is this......YOU set your own standards at what your own definition of 'success' is. Mine was a one person shop, taking on only enough clients to make a good living and have a nice trip every now and again. I started saying 'No' to the aggressive clients and allowed only people in my clientele who would share the same respect and concepts of 'fair trade' with me...... I would do my best and they would pay me a fair price.

 

Do the work you love, keep it simple, do your best, don't be afraid to charge, be a little fussy and choose the clients you want to work with, don't be afraid to say 'no', slot out time for you, your friends and family, keep normal working hours, get lots of sleep, keep simple books for the government, save for a nice trip once a year, do not let paperwork slide, don't waste your money, and for gawd's sake....smell the roses in between.

 

Don't be afraid of success.........Just set your own standards at what that is for YOU!

 

Now, my dear........go write a new story and get it published!!

[older]

Margee:

 

You should write a book, too. The depth of your insights on this board, your compassion and thoughtfulness are without peer. You are a wise woman.

[Overcame Faith]

Before I say anything else, I must make this disclaimer. Your OP does not specify exactly what you messed up so badly (and you probably shouldn't say that anyway since it is probably confidential work that you did for lawyers). You also do not specify how long ago you finished up your training, but I get the impression (and I may be wrong) that you went directly from school into this contract of which you speak. It also sounds like you are on your own in doing the work you are doing and, therefore, the contractor expects you to be up to speed on the work and the expectations from the contractor flow from that.

 

With that disclaimer, you may be tougher on yourself than you should be. It may simply be a matter that you do not have the experience you need in order to fulfill the requirements of the contract. Training one receives in school is a starting point for really learning a profession. No school can prepare you for everything. It is experience that provides the remainder. What makes me believe this was this post:

 

Just give your absolute best effort to what you're doing! That's really all you can do, isn't it? Focus on how to sustain your effort is my advice -- work with a partner, don't work at home, things like that. You will be all right.

 

Unfortunately, it's not. I wish it were. This is like my brain has been taken over, and I get confused on how to do things I know how to do well and just plain do not see obvious mistakes that I would normally notice. So, trying just means I screw up even worse. This is a powerful mental block that is destroying me.

 

The confusion may be because you were confronted with a situation you had never encountered before. What's more, maybe the mistakes you made were not quite as "obvious" as you believe them to be.

 

My best advice if you want to continue working on your own is to find a mentor with a lot of experience in your field who is willing to spend the time with you to review your work and who will allow you to call him/her when you have a question. You may have to pay this mentor, but that will be much better than losing the contract altogether.

[Will02]

In my own opinion, people should be afraid of 'success' to a certain degree. Please hear me out. There is a price to pay if you are following the 'world's standards of 'success'. Yeah, Donald Trump looks real good to the world...but I wonder just how easy his life really is? He says you can't be successful unless you're involved with a lawsuit?? Nice. Read some of his personal story....I wouldn't want his life........(yeah I'd like to have a bit of his money) but I wonder if he wishes sometimes he could lead a more simple life? I wonder what he really feels when he is all by himself? I often wonder, how many of these very 'sucessful' people are really happy?

 

That was an excellent post, I'm surprised that no one modded it up before I came along to do it.

 

It's interesting that you would mention Trump, and you are exactly right. A couple of year ago, I went through a phase where I wanted to learn about real estate/how to invest. (this was back during the boom before everything went to shit in 2008) I managed to find a few of Trump's books. They are quite old (late 80's to early 90s) but they painted an interesting picture of his life.

 

While he does have good stories about how he started out and offered some solid advice, I could see that he wasn't really happy based on what he wrote. He originally started out in Cincinnati as a way to make some money with his folks, but then he hit the big time and got started in New York. He did stuff that most people could never dream of, but his business eventually took over his life and squeezed everything else out. By being so wealthy, he has made himself a target, he wrote that everyone wants a piece of him and his money. Yet, If you were to take away all his buildings and other assets, he would be nothing. Based on what I read, there is literally nothing else to the man that would set him apart from anyone else.

 

He talked about how he didn't have much time to spend with his wife (the first one) and that eventually drove them apart and that divorce turned especially nasty and bitter. His subsequent marriages also fell apart because he was afraid to ever trust someone again and spent too much time on business. (I forget the details but that's what it boiled down to) Basically, he had to choose between business or a family, and he failed because he tried to have both at once. I felt that it was absolutely tragic that Trump could be rich beyond all human reckoning and yet miss out on the more mundane things in life like having a normal marriage/family.

[Wings]

Hi Kurari,

thank you for your post. Your story (and many others, here), really resonates with me as I also experience something very similar at times... especially the "deer in the headlights" situation. The post by Puddin' about extremes really speak to me, too. I'm definitely the same way!

All the advice and comments were great (for me, too). It's also possible that this could be a real and treatable issue. I was recently diagnosed with Atypical Depression. Atypical, though it's very typical and most people don't realize they have it because it just feels like a state of normal. Every once and a while, due to situational factors, it can actually inhibit your ability to function well. One of the main characteristics of this depression is an excessive fear of rejection, which is usually developed in childhood when you're supposed to be learning how to cope. My doctor and I have linked this to, among other things, my strict religious upbringing. I find that this fear of failure and subsequent rejection sometimes overwhelms me and impairs my ability to function (work, play, etc)... Just realizing this has really helped me and helped me strategize how to move forward... and I've also had to put in boundaries and plans about how to work better, etc.

It's not easy, but every day is easier. The great thing about AD is that it's largely situational (a bunch of the big factors that trigger it happened in my life at the same time), and I'm doing much better.... I'm not saying you have this, but I'm encouraging you to seek all avenues of help, from here to MDs to therapy to whatever will help you. Big hugs and next time you're panicky, having trouble focusing or whatever... feel free to shoot me a message and I'll be happy to remind you that it's okay and all about perspective.

Thinking of you and big hugs!

-Kristen

[Margee]

That was an excellent post, I'm surprised that no one modded it up before I came along to do it.

 

It's interesting that you would mention Trump, and you are exactly right. He talked about how he didn't have much time to spend with his wife (the first one) and that eventually drove them apart and that divorce turned especially nasty and bitter. His subsequent marriages also fell apart because he was afraid to ever trust someone again and spent too much time on business. (I forget the details but that's what it boiled down to) Basically, he had to choose between business or a family, and he failed because he tried to have both at once. I felt that it was absolutely tragic that Trump could be rich beyond all human reckoning and yet miss out on the more mundane things in life like having a normal marriage/family.

 

thank you Will02 for the compliment.......this is exactly the stuff I read about these 'so-called' successful people.

 

This leads to the point I was trying to make about 'the world's success' system that has lead to many people on earth taking their own lives because they were so burned out . It's really quite sad. My hope is for the young ones on this site not to feel that pressure of keeping up with the jones's. It's all bullshit. I wish sometimes I could do my whole life over and know what I know now. But I can start anytime I want, right??