Such Is Life

[JadedAtheist]

So, I've grown to accept that I will get into periods of depression somewhat regularly and that I have to simply tough them out. Usually they're just a day or two thing and I get over it. However, a week or two I got into another one of these moods and it seems fate had a vendetta against me. I've just had a few real shitty things happen and on top of issues I'm already facing, it's caused me to sink really really deep.

 

The main things that led to this was the withdrawal of support from some friends, and being judged and ridiculed for who I am. Apparently I am "damaged" and "broken" or what one lovely person described me as "worthless goods" because of my reserved personality and my periodic "mood swings".

 

On top of this, long standing issues like feeling used by my parents and being thought of as half a person by my father have really been getting to me. I also can't forget to mention the fact that being without a mate is also painful. So, yeah, there's a few things bringing me down.

 

I watched a documentary called "The Bridge" the other night and on it was a man recounting a suicide attempt where he was on a bridge crying his eyes out and no one approached him, and the one perso who did just asked for a photo. He recalled how he felt no one cared about him and that gave him all the more reason to off himself.

 

I know that feeling. It's what I've been feeling for a while now. Those closest to me hate me for who I am and there's no one who I can turn to and cry my heart out to. To hold, and to love. It was this feeling that has been clouding my mind: no one cares about me and my pain. I *know* this isn't true but it's hard to look st things objectively in this state of mind.

 

So, I left home earlier. I put on my favorite clothes and accessories and left. I didn't tell my parents. I saw my cat playing outside and he came up to me and started rubbing against my leg. I held him and kissed him and I told him I'd miss him and told him goodbye.

 

I started walking, I got my hair cut and my beard shaved. I had my favorite meal and I headed towards the city. As I sat in a bar drinking and thinking about how this will pan out. I remembered a homeless man I saw earlier.

 

I remembered him and I remembered the feeling I had been having: No one cares about me or my struggles. I finished my drink and I realized what I must do. I went to the ATM and withdrew money. I started going up to homeless people and giving them money. When I ran out, I got more. I took one to have a meal. Their reaction was the same every time and I recognized it well. It was shock. Shock that someone cared.

 

Yes, I lost hope in humanity but I wanted to restore it in them.

 

Anyways, I'm heading home now. I'm still in pain but I feel better that I at least for a brief moment removed someone else's pain. I hope I don't come across as bragging with what I did because that wasn't the point of me pouring my heart out here. I guess the point is, sometimes you need to become the change you desire to see in the world.

[blackpudd1n]

That was just beautiful, Jaded. In your time of agony and suffering, you thought of another. If anyone in your life doesn't appreciate that you would do this, then they are not worthy of your friendship. I would be honoured to know a person like you. Know I need to go, because you made me start crying.

[London]

I am so sad that you are in pain Jaded. I am glad you are feeling a bit better.

 

That was such a nice thing to do. And it's proof that you are not damaged goods. Damaged people do not care about others.

 

I hope the fog lifts soon. And tell your friends to have some respect or sod off.

[Noumena]

Extraordinary!!

[Margee]

My dear friend.....thank you for trusting us here at Ex-c to share this deep pain you are in. I am so sorry that you to have to go through these downcast times. I am giving you the hugest hug today.

 

Emotional pain is awful Jaded and sensitive personalities like yourself, feel it even more. That's what you are my dear........just a wonderful, incredible sensitive personality. No flaws.... just a true, 'feeling' human.

 

I think most deep thinkers are more sensitive.When a sensitive personality feels anything.... even deep thinking....it is more than the average person. This is something you will have to accept about yourself throughout your life. You may have to fight a little harder to overcome depression. What you did, is a huge lesson for me today. Helping others to help yourself.

 

We are all a little different. I don't want to be what the world calls 'normal'. Deep thinkers are real 'different'. People can look at us different. I've been told throughout my life that I'm too this and too that..........

 

Well, I'm glad I'm not a programmed robot. I'm glad to be different....I'm glad I feel all the emotions I do....... but there is a price to pay. You are both cursed and 'blessed' with this wonderful type of personality that makes you a little different than the rest and can make life a little harder because you 'feel' and 'think' so strongly..

 

If you continue to grow and develope healthy attitudes like you did with this situation....it won't be long before another will want to share that love with you. Don't jump into any ole' relationship just because you might feel a little desperate for love..... wait time out and pick that one person who will appreciate, and be worthy of your love. That puts the power in your hands.

 

Thank you for the reminder that helping other's, can help us sensitive personalities to feel happiness. I'm going to do that today for someone to take me out of myself.

 

I appreciate you Jaded and EX-c would not be the same for me if you weren't here. I mean that.

 

You've helped me today, by sharing yourself.....thank you for helping me out of a depression I've been going through lately....

 

You be strong and proud of who you are!

[asanerman]

Midway on my life's journey, I found myself

In dark woods, the right road lost. To tell

About those woods is hard--so tangled and rough

 

And savage that thinking of it now, I feel

the old fear stirring: death is hardly more bitter.

And yet, to treat the good I found there as well.

~From The Inferno of Dante, Robert Pinsky, trans.

 

Depression arrives unbidden in too many lives.

 

Depression is not essentially about being sad, or down, or blue, though these may be symptoms.

 

"Depression may be triggered by old sadness's grown unbearable or anger turned inward, as one saying goes. But it becomes a way of being in, and moving through, the world."

 

Depression comes in many forms.

 

Some forms of depression are genetic or biochemical and will respond only to drugs.

 

Other forms of depression are primarily situational and respond only to "inner work" that leads to self-knowledge, choices, and change.

 

Some forms of depression lie somewhere in between.

 

Andrew Solomon says that the opposite of depression is not happiness--it is "human vitality."

 

Krista Tippett (onbeing,org) says: "For me, depression was not so much about being without faith or hope or love; it was, rather, not being able to remember knowing those things, not being able to imagine ever experiencing them again."

 

Remember, depression is not about bring sad, or down, or blue. Depression is deeper and darker than that--it's about not having the vitality to take another step!

 

A cautionary word is necessary. In the midst of depression, very little if anything is possible in the way of spiritual reflection. If you are in a state of depression, go gently, seek help, and don't expect spiritual breakthroughs

 

What I'm about to say is not to be taken as a prescription. I am not suggesting that there is some sort of supernatural meaning in pain and suffering.

 

My own bouts with situational depression compelled me to find the river of life hidden within myself.

 

My depression has become that dark black doberman that sits by my side, continually.

 

When I "can't smell the smoke or the lay of the land," my constant companion can. My faithful companion signals me when I'm flying too high or when I'm living unconsciously or not living at all!

 

Again, that is only how it is for me--my story of the "dark wooded path."

 

Be gentle, go slow, seek help if you need it.

 

Take what I say "with a grain of salt" and as a caring word from an old man that loves a Jaded Atheist's company!

[♦ ficino ♦]

I'm very sorry to hear about the withdrawal of support by friends and about how your family makes things more difficult. I don't know much about your situation, but can you live somewhere else? Whatever financial independence you can get will be to the good.

[FeelHappy]

Back in my christian days, some of us who liked to help people wondered if it was right that we were getting as rewarded as the people we helped. No reason for that to change if your not currently a christian. There's something special about helping others, it helps to take the focus off of yourself and put it on someone else, it helps to put your situation into perspective. Thanks for the story, I don't think your story was bragging. I hope you start feeling better soon. Maybe you should consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or something, who knows you might meet some new friends or if your lucky meet your future humanitarian significant other.

[mymistake]

So, I've grown to accept that I will get into periods of depression somewhat regularly and that I have to simply tough them out.

 

Emotions are very real and can really hurt. But often they mislead us regarding how things are or what is important. Emotions can cloud our perspective and hide things from us.

 

I hope I don't come across as bragging with what I did because that wasn't the point of me pouring my heart out here.

 

No worries. You didn't come across as bragging. Not at all. I'm glad you were able to tell this story. I'm glad you are here.

[jblueep]

Thank you for being so open Jaded. I appreciated your story. You know you have friends here.

[Positivist]

Jaded, thank you for sharing this with your friends here at Ex-C. I am saddened to hear about your social situation. Being human is such a complex endeavor; we truly need to help our fellow human (and kindred animal!) to make the lives of others more bearable than they are.

 

Glad we can share the journey with you, JA!

[Sybaris]

 

 

If you continue to grow and develope healthy attitudes like you did with this situation....it won't be long before another will want to share that love with you.

 

 

 

This

 

Divest yourself of people and things that contribute to your depression. Surround yourself with good people and constructive efforts.

[JadedAtheist]

Thanks guys! I'm feeling a lot better today, so this funk feels like it has been lifted

I'm very sorry to hear about the withdrawal of support by friends and about how your family makes things more difficult. I don't know much about your situation, but can you live somewhere else? Whatever financial independence you can get will be to the good.

 

I meant more emotional support than anything else. I live at home but neither of my parents work, they're both on a disability pension and on more than one occasion they've lied to get money out of me. They don't need to lie, I'd gladly give them money if they need it. I'm fairly giving for a materialist

 

Also, I'm pretty independent and can move out of home if i desire, I just haven't made it a priority yet I guess. Maybe I should.

[Akheia]

I think so too. Are there any cool groups there? Tabletop gamers, larps, running or hiking groups, etc? Are there charities your feel attracted to? I volunteered at a library in my teens and it felt so good to be around people who believe in books

 

I felt so touched by what you wrote. Thank you for being one of the stars in my sky.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Thanks guys! I'm feeling a lot better today, so this funk feels like it has been lifted

I'm very sorry to hear about the withdrawal of support by friends and about how your family makes things more difficult. I don't know much about your situation, but can you live somewhere else? Whatever financial independence you can get will be to the good.

 

I meant more emotional support than anything else. I live at home but neither of my parents work, they're both on a disability pension and on more than one occasion they've lied to get money out of me. They don't need to lie, I'd gladly give them money if they need it. I'm fairly giving for a materialist

 

Also, I'm pretty independent and can move out of home if i desire, I just haven't made it a priority yet I guess. Maybe I should.

 

Glad to hear that you're doing better, JA. And off to work...! At least you've got a job!

 

Yes, I realized you meant emotional support from friends. I know too how much one grieves when friends turn away.

 

As I said, I don't know much about your situation, but you've let us know more, and it sounds as though your parents rely on you and that the spiral of dependency, manipulation, loyalty, your desire to help, etc. is a big strain on you. I don't know how you should handle it, but I am pretty sure that when you were in the womb, you did not make a deal with them that you'd go on to subordinate your life to taking care of them AND putting up with shit (lol - trying to take a light tone). They may be disabled, but they don't have the right to disable you.