My Semi-Short Introduction

[FeelHappy]

I've been here for a week, so I guess one of the first things I should do it tell a little about myself.

 

Only a year ago, I was standing in front of a home group giving my testimony about how god changed my life. Around that same time, I was also approached by a pastor asking me to pray about starting a Sunday school class and home group. I spent all my time read commentaries and scriptures. But inside my faith was starting to crumble, I kept hope though that I would make it out of this season of my life with an even stronger faith.

 

This is actually the second time I lost faith in god, the first time I was more of an anti-theist than an agnostic. I had a pretty tough childhood, suffered some abuse (physical, sexual, mental) and didn't have many friends. By the time I was 18, I started to get strung out on meth. Because of my childhood, I couldn't understand how a loving god that cares about me could let these things happen. My only solution was that for some reason I was a modern day Job, god had let me suffer through these things to test me, for his own amusement he allowed satan to attack me just to see how much I could take and still praise him. Unlike Job, I cursed god, I believed that god existed and I hated him.

 

My self-loathing whiny depression caused me to often be unpleasant to be around. I often used people feeling justified because of how bad I hurt inside. One day, high on speed, I was crying alone in a friends basement and I saw a Damascus road type of light. I felt the love of god surround me and I knew for the first time that I was wrong, god did love me, god cared about me. No matter what I went through thus far in life it was worth it to be surrounded by that type of love. I was converted and really was a new person (behold if any man is in Christ he is a new creation). For the first time I realized just how I had been acting. I was surrounded at that time by drug addicts and I saw just how many of them had hard lives also and were escaping just like me. I no longer hated god, I had a new purpose to help those also hurting. It took me a while but after 6 months I was clean and had a new goal in life.

 

I grew up word of faith pentecostal and that's the religious mindset that I took to an extreme, I spent most of my time listening to and watching Hagee, Hagin, Copeland, Hinn, ect (I could tell many stories about this absurd lifestyle). I most wanted to go to seminary, but could only get grants to go to a secular school, I went into computer science. I had a friend who was designing a website used to teach foreigners about god and I figured I could do something similar. My actual goal was to go get a degree, get a good paying job and then start to save up to afford to pay my way through seminary. What did it matter, I was young and it wouldn't hurt to be more seasoned, besides Jesus didn't start ministering until he was in his 30s, god could still use me.

 

(I realize that I'm starting to ramble so I'm going to start to wrap this up quicker.)

 

Three years ago I had lost my belief in the WoF movement, first because I never saw any real miracles and then my grandfather died. His death was partly caused by not seeing medical care because he thought if admitted that he was getting sick the devil would get a foothold in his life and make it worse. I thought surely this fear of speaking stuff into existence wasn't correct (I find it sad that the WoF people actually believe they have no fear only great faith, not realizing just how fearful they are).

 

A little over year and a half ago, I realized that I had gotten content with my life, I knew deep down inside that I should be getting ready to go be a missionary and living a normal life was a lie. I decided to get a head start on my studies while saving up for my first semester of college. I've previously read the bible 4 times, but this time I decided to read it as close as possible and I started to notice the contradictions and saw for the first time the atrocities mentioned in it (I was breathless in horror when I actually thought about the story of Jephthah's daughter). I bought some critical scholarship new and old testament introductions and saw the copying from the Ancient Near East, the introduction to the torah authorship, the change in Israel thought through the bible. Saw the great arguments about which epistles weren't Paul's. It never even crossed my mind before that not everyone who wrote the new testament was who they claimed to be. I then started to read evolution books and it all of a sudden hit me, this makes way more sense. When I see disease, I don't have to wonder why god created it, it makes perfect sense when you look at it as survival of the fittest. Of course this mean that something was wrong with the Genesis account, I tried to do hermeneutic hurdles to make sense of it, but finally had to admit with everything else that perhaps the bible isn't god's actual word dictated to man by the holy spirit.

 

So there I was standing in front of a group giving my testimony for the last time, I had barely held on to my faith through these tough times. God was a little different than I thought, perhaps a little more natural. The bible sure wasn't inerrant anymore and couldn't be taken as the word of god, I started to view the bible as man's attempt to search for god, not god's attempt to speak to man. Was Jesus really god and god's son at the same time or was he just a misunderstood end-time-prophet. I had to ask myself why I still believed and I thought about the scripture, 'your adversary the devil goes around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour'. Did I really still believe that the devil was attacking me? No. I held on because I loved church, loved jesus, loved the people, loved the thought of an afterlife. I realized that wanting something to be true doesn't make it true. I had lost my faith for the second time, not out of hate and anger this time but out of a search for the truth and to know god better.

[Eugene39]

Yes! Another one of us who lost our faith after reading the Bible through.

 

I started to view the bible as man's attempt to search for god, not god's attempt to speak to man.

 

Exactly. Welcome to Ex-C.

[Positivist]

Three years ago I had lost my belief in the WoF movement, first because I never saw any real miracles and then my grandfather died. His death was partly caused by not seeing medical care because he thought if admitted that he was getting sick the devil would get a foothold in his life and make it worse. I thought surely this fear of speaking stuff into existence wasn't correct

 

Thanks for sharing your story/extimony, FeelHappy!

 

I wish I'd never heard of the WoF movement. It really fucked me up. My in-laws are really into this still, even though we just lost an aunt to metastatic cancer that she refused to see a physician for because God was supposedly testing her faith for healing. She died last week.

 

I am so glad you made it out of WoF. Few make it out unscathed. I hope you have got your degree now and are on your way into the rational life! It's great!

 

Hope to hear more from you!

[FeelHappy]

Yeah many don't make it out of WoF okay. My entire family is Pentecostal on both my mom and my dad's side. One side is very much WoF, the other is Assemblies of God (which isn't near as bad), I actually have a few AoG preachers in my family.

 

WoF is very manipulative. If you have tough times financially its because you haven't given enough to god or god is testing you. If you get sick its because you don't have enough faith. If you're prayed for and remain sick its because you didn't claim and keep your healing. It seems like every problem they have is caused yourself and they never question why (of course that would be allowing the devil to get a foothold to even entertain that thought for a momentum).

[♦ ficino ♦]

One day, high on speed, I was crying alone in a friends basement and I saw a Damascus road type of light. I felt the love of god surround me and I knew for the first time that I was wrong, god did love me, god cared about me. No matter what I went through thus far in life it was worth it to be surrounded by that type of love. I was converted and really was a new person (behold if any man is in Christ he is a new creation).

 

Fascinating post, FeelHappy, and welcome to this site! I also appreciate how you saw the problems with Christianity after you actually studied the Bible. And isn't it exhilarating to follow an argument and realize, yeah, this nails it, this explains what we see so much better!

 

I'm wondering, how do you now explain the experience that you describe above?

[FeelHappy]

I'm wondering, how do you now explain the experience that you describe above?

 

For a while, I found them hard to explain, I thought surely I had seen god. Looking back now, I was on drugs and the endorphin from the meth likely had something to do with it. While I was a member of Word of Faith movements, I often had experiences where I would feel the spirit of god moving over myself and the congregation, I felt that surely this experience was proof of god existence. I was bothered when I realize that the same spiritual high when I was backsliding and went to rock concerts. Later while watching a South Park episode where Carmen was mocking Christians which his own christian band, I had a similar movement of god's spirit.

 

A similar love I also have felt when being in love with someone, basically the way I explain it now is that if you believe in something and love it you have a feeling of that love. The first time was caused by drugs and later times were caused by loving Jesus and imagining him loving me back. Of course I realize I could be wrong and have had a rare encounter with god, but I doubt it and the dopamine answer seems the likely one.

[Margee]

FeelHappy, I am so glad you are here with us on EX-c! I loved your story - thank you for sharing that. I see the commom threads intertwined in all the new testimonies that we write. You story is amazing, sad and familiar. The honesty and bravery in each 'losing faith' story fastinates me. We sure do understand where you are coming from!!

 

I can relate to so much. I belonged to 'The word of faith' movement for 2 years...that was enough for me. If you were sick as a dog at my church and someone asked you how you were feeling, you would reply, ''in the name of jesus, I am feeing great!'' It was actually hard for me to have a normal conversation with anyone because you always had tyo watch what came out of your mouth. What bullshit!!

 

I think you already know how welcomed you are here at EX-c! I am so glad you found us! We need you here....all us rejects from the religious world!! Post all your questions and concerns and I'm sure you'll get all the support you need.

 

Sincerely, Margee

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, Feelhappy, and welcome to ExC.

 

I'm very happy that you made it out of Christianity and at least as happy that you were able to break away from Meth. Those are two major accomplishments.

[Akheia]

I'm glad you got out of that meth crap. And WoF... wow. I'd never heard of it before this board really, but it sounds terrible.

 

I also had a tough time with the 'miracles' I'd experienced, and it took time and a certain willingness to perceive to see that I was still having those feelings even years after leaving the faith. I'm sure christians would try to say that's god, in which case I'd have to ask why the sneaky bastard refuses to sign his own paintings.

[blackpudd1n]

Welcome to the forum, FeelHappy

 

I was involved with the WoF pentecostal movement, though I never actually knew that term until I came here. I just referred to it as extremist pentecostalism.

 

I had similar spiritual experiences, but now I recognise that, having bipolar enter my life at the age of 21, that they were probably more a result of being in the "prodrome" state of the bipolar developing, and afterwards a direct result of having bipolar. Yet the people at the church thought I was very spiritual. If I had stayed in my first pentecostal church, I probably would have been okay- the pastor was a former psych nurse, but I had moved towns in my teens. At the age of 22, I landed in a psych ward for the first time, and I actually rang my former pastor, the former psych nurse, from the ward, telling him I thought I was being attacked by demons- I'd been too influenced by the WoF movement and their ideas of spiritual warfare. He straight out told me that I wasn't being attacked by demons, I was just mentally ill and needed some medication. You don't hear that sort of honesty all that often, despite the fact that we were part of a WoF movement church.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling myself now, lol. Welcome home

[FeelHappy]

Yeah, I didn't know what it was called either until I left it. We used to call ourselves full gospel christians because the other church groups were only believing the bible partly.

 

It really is a messed up lifestyle. I remember once praying for god to anoint me with the power for healing so that I could use it for his ministry. A few days later while shopping I saw a young child with a deformed hand standing with his parent. I asked god why he would let an innocent child be inflicted with deformity, just then god reminded me of the man who was crippled just so jesus could heal him. I just knew inside this young child was like this just so I could pray for him, god would heal him and he'd always have a great testimony. While walking toward him, I had a brief instance of doubt and I feared what the kid would feel if he wasn't healed, I cared for him and didn't want to embarrass him. I knew with just a slight bit of doubt the kid wouldn't be healed so I didn't pray for him. For years I kicked myself for not having enough faith that day, fully believing that the kid had to go through life with a deformed hand because of me, I also never received the gift of healing, I figured that since i was disobedient god wouldn't use me yet. Looking back years later thank god I didn't embarrass that poor kid, but back then this is what I thought.

[Akheia]

That's a lot of guilt there. Even Moses had his doubts when he confronted Pharaoh, and god still did the miracles and plagues. I've got to think that not everybody in the crowds in the NT believed 100%, but still the miracles occurred. Thomas famously doubted but still Jesus showed up after his death*. But Christians today have convinced the world that if even one teeny speck of doubt in just one person exists, NO SOUP FOR ANYBODY. It reminds me of scammer "psychics" like Sylvia Brown trying to justify why their majick poweres don't ever work around skeptics!

 

This is just another entry in my growing list of "stuff I wish I'd noticed when I was fundie". Surely an omnimax God who actually wants to do miracles can overcome a wee bit of doubt, hmm? Of course, you had reason. I'm sure you noticed as early on as I did that prayer didn't work the way the Bible promised, and I'm sure you'd been disappointed often enough that you naturally had some gnawing fears that this prayer for the boy's hand wouldn't work either. I feel so bad for you, feeling so guilty over something you couldn't help or change: your simple, totally justified human doubts in the face of an undependable, capricious deity's oft-broken promises. But as always, the problem was yours, not his! Ugh! Glad we're gone from that abusive, one-sided "relationship"!

 

* I speak purely of the literary accounts, not of verified historical facts, obviously.

[Positivist]

For years I kicked myself for not having enough faith that day, fully believing that the kid had to go through life with a deformed hand because of me, I also never received the gift of healing, I figured that since i was disobedient god wouldn't use me yet.

 

Wow, I had these situations and ensuing guilt too. I have experienced great perceived loss, as God supposedly withdrew his favor from me for failing a "divine appointment". What a mindfu(k. Glad we're out of the cult!