blackpudd1n Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 I came to a crisis point in the early hours of this morning. I have been doing a lot of thinking the last few days, and have become increasingly aware of the impact my extremist mindset has been having on me. I don't lay the blame completely at the feet of christianity; there are other factors that have contributed to this mindset, such as my abusive biological mother's requirement that I be "perfect" in order to be loved. I have become aware, too, that this mindset is detrimental to my life, and my relationships with others. Right now, I am exhausted. I need a break. It takes so much for me to admit that, because I am always pushing myself to achieve more, do more, be better. But I have finally come to acknowledge that I am utterly exhausted, and recognised that I have been under an abnormal amount of pressure lately. In the last couple of months, I have had my periods for 38 days straight, I had a break of 10 days, and I have had them again for the last 8 days. That, in and of itself, is physically and mentally draining. On top of that, Wednesday has been ill, and we still do not know what her eventual prognosis may be. I managed to finish my last 13-week unit at university and sit the exam, despite all of this. On top of all of that, I am being booked in for a hysterectomy. It was meant to have been done by now... Except the hospital decided that my condition was not serious enough to warrant it being done so soon, and bumped me down the list, and onto a different list entirely, the 12-month waiting list. That really fucked with my head. I have been involved with a dispute with an insurance company for 21 months now. I have just managed to sort out my in-law's electricity company drama. On top of all of this, I also have bipolar. I feel overwhelmed right now. My apartment is an absolute pigsty, yet I cannot work out how to clean it. I have just started my next 13-week unit at uni, and I cannot concentrate. Last night I thought to myself, 'wouldn't it be nice to just sleep for a week'. I know these signs. I know that I am becoming unwell. And yet, despite this, I have this fucked-up thought pattern that says, 'no, you cannot rest. You cannot have a break. You don't deserve it you lazy-arsed bitch. You have to keep going.' And that is the extremist mindset. My mind is at war with itself again. I wouldn't treat anyone else the way I treat myself; so why do I do it? I think a lot of it comes down to having a martyr complex. But I have finally come to my senses, and I am going to be very honest with myself, and take some time out. My mental health is too important to risk for the sake of a martyr-complex. I am giving myself permission to take a break from university, to spend some time getting my head together. I keep reminding myself that it doesn't mean that I am going backwards, nor that I am a failure, which is what I constantly fear. I just got lumped with a whole string of stressful events that no-one could have predicted occuring, and that would have tested anyone. I also keep reminding myself that no-one has it together all of the time, and that it takes a lot more courage to say, "I am not okay", then to smile and keep going and burn out. I am learning that it is okay to say no, and that there are times when I must put myself first. At the end of the day, I'm the one living with bipolar. I have to take responsibilty for my actions and live with the consequences, and that includes looking after myself when I need to. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 I am giving myself permission to take a break from university, to spend some time getting my head together. I totally agree. When I was halfway through your post, my first thought was "she needs to take a break, at least from the university". I think that's definitely the right call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrotherJosh Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dudeism[/url]] Puddin', messaged you but figured I would post this for others too. For a long, long time I worried about so many things. Graduating high school, graduating college with a degree, graduating college with an applicable degree, finding a career, moving into my own place, cars, trucks, clothes, pets, image, social acceptance, friends, popularity, family, my dad, approval, money, my health, my mental health, my depression, my social ties, my obligations, my responsibilities, my insecurity, jobs, etc...and then you just let it go. Simply that. Let it go. Find out what makes you unhappy and.......................................let it go. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 I am giving myself permission to take a break from university, to spend some time getting my head together. I totally agree. When I was halfway through your post, my first thought was "she needs to take a break, at least from the university". I think that's definitely the right call. Thanks for the support, J. It was such a hard decision to make, and my fiancee and my dad kept telling me the same thing: it was a decision that only I could make. While that annoyed the shit out of me, I realise now that they were right in saying that. It was a decision only I could make. I just told my fiancee that I decided to take some time out, and he said that he thought it was the right decision for me, too, for the sake of my sanity. We're going to be a little worse off financially because of it, but he just said, oh well, we'll manage. And he's right. We will manage. The consequences of keeping on the way I have been are potentially too great. And you know, right now, I almost feel like crying with relief- I'm just that exhausted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dudeism[/url]] Puddin', messaged you but figured I would post this for others too. For a long, long time I worried about so many things. Graduating high school, graduating college with a degree, graduating college with an applicable degree, finding a career, moving into my own place, cars, trucks, clothes, pets, image, social acceptance, friends, popularity, family, my dad, approval, money, my health, my mental health, my depression, my social ties, my obligations, my responsibilities, my insecurity, jobs, etc...and then you just let it go. Simply that. Let it go. Find out what makes you unhappy and.......................................let it go. Yes, you are absolutely right. I am not a christian anymore; there is no longer any so-called reward for suffering unnecessarily. I am now free to make the decisions I need to that are in my best interests, and not continue on because I think it's the magical sky-daddy's will. He doesn't exist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
London Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Find out what makes you unhappy and.......................................let it go. I can't say it better than this. I do want to add... remember what does make you happy and dance with it. Take out the trash and savor the beauty. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 I do want to add... remember what does make you happy and dance with it. Take out the trash and savor the beauty. I just realised that I can watch my favourite TV shows tonight without feeling guilty. I only ever watch TV on a Saturday and Sunday night- Saturday night has three episodes of CSI back-to-back (old re-runs, but I never had a chance to watch them much before, so they're all new to me), and Sunday has Bones, the two episodes of Castle, then a real-life forensic investigation show. And I'd managed to get myself in such a state, that I was actually feeling guilty about watching 7 hours of TV on the weekend! I think I just gained a little perspective! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Yes, you have to take care of you! Take a break, with a plan to return. Check your hemoglobin too..... You're a star, girl! :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 Yes, you have to take care of you! Take a break, with a plan to return. Check your hemoglobin too..... You're a star, girl! :-) Thanks Positivist I have to see my doctor and make an appointment to see my gyno this week anyway, so I dare say one of them will order a blood count test. My levels should be okay, though- I've been eating more meat than I usually do, and so far every test has come back normal. I think I'm a bit of a freak in some ways- I'll smoke a cigarette and get my blood pressure taken, and it'll be absolutely perfect, I'll bleed and bleed and still manage to return normal test results. My plan is to sit out this 13-week unit, and then reassess towards the end. I need to be realistic and accept that I may need to sit out the next unit, too, but we'll see how I go. Having finally made the decision, I'm already feeling like I'm regaining a lot of perspective. I was fast losing insight, and I could feel the old fog coming back. The fact of the matter is that if I continued on, by the end of the unit I would have probably failed it, lost a lot of confidence, and been out of action for far longer. The fog coming back was the biggest alarm bell that I was getting unwell; last time I got lost in it for three years. It's been nearly two years since the fog lifted, and I don't want to go back into it. It feels as though it came on really fast, but really, it didn't- I think it's been slowly gaining momentum over the last couple of months, and I just didn't want to acknowledge it. I was just desperate to believe that I was okay. Another wake-up call was running into B's step-father at the hardware store on Friday. B, also has bipolar, and hasn't been managing it. She's really sick now- keeps taking off hitch-hiking up the coast, living on the streets with some guy, drinking, and going in and out of hospital. Her mother and step-father have finally reached the end of their tether; he told me that they haven't 'seen' her for two years now, which is true; she's just been so lost in the fog in her mind, she can't get out. They're having a meeting this week, to get her into a long-term facility out in the country. There aren't many of these, they're for the sickest only. Unfortunately, even I agree that it's in her best interests to go out there. She's a constant risk to her own safety. She can no longer do any of the daily tasks like showering, or budgeting, or anything. She acts completely on impulse now. And she's always been my biggest motivator for staying well. I want to speak out for her and the others like her who cannot talk for themselves. But what good will I be if I, too, allow myself to get sick again? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JadedAtheist Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through but I'm glad though that you made the decision to take a break from university. I have a friend similar to you, he likes to run himself into the ground and have a breakdown. He then backs off and lightens the load before overloading himself. I'm just glad that you, unlike he, decided to slow down before things went to complete hell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
London Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 and Sunday has Bones, This is why you are my sister!!! That's my fave show. If I were smarter I would love to be a forensic anthropologist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted March 11, 2012 Moderator Share Posted March 11, 2012 I came to a crisis point in the early hours of this morning. Right now, I am exhausted. I need a break. It takes so much for me to admit that, because I am always pushing myself to achieve more, I also keep reminding myself that no-one has it together all of the time, and that it takes a lot more courage to say, "I am not okay", then to smile and keep going and burn out. I am learning that it is okay to say no, and that there are times when I must put myself first. At the end of the day, I'm the one living with bipolar. I have to take responsibilty for my actions and live with the consequences, and that includes looking after myself when I need to. Hi sweetie! Hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. I can relate to your post Pudd. I have been very hard on myself throughout my years on earth and I missed out on a lot of fun because I wouldn't allow myself to do pleasurable things until all the 'work' was done. And guess what I've discovered at 57? It never gets done - it never gets finished. I still fight this obsession everyday. I remember my dear gradmother telling me at 30, NOT to waste my time on housework....she did and at 88 told me that she missed out on a lot of fun things in life. I never listened to her, but now I am saying the same thing to you younger people. I just got through writing a long post to Kurari on the detriments of 'the world's success' if you want to read it. It is a bit of my story trying to find 'success' at the age of 25-37. The courses I studied, the competitions I participated in to become the 'worlds best hairdresser', keeping up 2 houses and a cottage, 17 employees to deal with, bookwork, etc.... It was never ending and all too much. I was sooo burned out at 35, you wouldn't believe it. And yes, I had a very hard time with 'monthlies' also. You go and rest hon, that's what you need. You already know that, so take your own advise. I just wanted you to know that I care this morning. Read what I wrote to Kurari - I think I'v'e made some valid points for you 'youngins'! I hope I am still posting here when you go through menopause - that's another head 'trip' you'll really enjoy, ......... but I'll be here to help you! love you! Hug! http://www.ex-christ...__fromsearch__1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 Thank you so much for the support, all of you. With each passing hour, I am feeling more comfortable with my decision. Dad says that sometimes you don't really know that you've made the right decision, until you actually make it. And the more I relax, the better I feel. I just didn't realise how stressed out I was. I'm going to do some therapy while I have time off, and take a two-pronged approach. I'm going to get some help dealing with the underlying issues causing me to think this way and behave in this manner, and get some practical help to organise my life, to find a system that works for me. I need help to plan time out for myself, to learn to be flexible, to basically find some balance. I don't want to keep getting into these states. Unfortunately, all of this went down just as I lost my psych nurse. She delayed completing her Masters so she could start up the programme and work with me and the others like me. We lost funding for the programme in February, though, as a pilot programme, it continued for longer than it was meant to. My psych nurse managed to keep on at my clinic one day a week... Until about a week ago, when she ask them to look into her pay, because she worked out that she wasn't being paid properly. They had a look... And realised that they had miscalculated, and had no money at all to pay her. She was meant to stay on until July, when the next lot of funding came through, hand over to another psych nurse, and go into an implementation role, setting up more clinics. Basically, she was told she had to wrap it all up, effective immediately. And because she put off completing her Masters to do the job, and won't have it until July, she couldn't be employed by my doctor's practice. Fortunately, my medical centre has found a replacement who will be starting soon, and in July my old psych nurse will have her qualifications, and be re-employed to commence implementing the programme in more areas. But it kind of sucks, having to start all over again with a new nurse. I do know this guy, though- he used to write all the notes for the psychiatrist when I had in-patient sessions. I don't remember much about him, because he never spoke a lot, but I remember that he had kind eyes. I also remember that he was in on at least one session when I gave the psychiatrist absolute curry. I am definite that he was there for the session that I really ripped into my shrink. I was pretty fucking pissed off. I remember why now- the first time I'd seen him, as an in-patient, he'd lowered my mood stabilisers (I was still not officially diagnosed at that stage, and he thought I had something other than bipolar), and a few months later, I was back in hospital as a result of that, and I ripped into him for fucking up my medication and making me worse. I hadn't been the best to begin with when I went there on 1500mg of Epilim a day. He'd lowered it to 1200mg a day. The dose that keeps me stable now? 2000mg a day. Damn, I was mad. I just wanted to get better, I didn't want to be fucked around and not taken seriously. Oh, and another time I gave him hell when my new psych nurse was in the room with us was when he told me to just go and get a job. Damn, I flared up at that one, considering that, at the time, I couldn't even read a paragraph. So, it's going to be interesting getting to know my new nurse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 ...what good will I be if I, too, allow myself to get sick again? Indeed! You're still young, and taking a break from the intensity of school will make no difference to your goals in the long run, except that you will be more likely to accomplish them because you are healthy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted March 16, 2012 Author Share Posted March 16, 2012 Well, I got a major confirmation today that I made the right decision in taking some time out from university. I finally have a date for my hysterectomy- Monday, the 28th of May. This is the beginning of the week that I would have had my exam in. So I wouldn't have even made my exam! I will probably study the next unit now, because I'll have six weeks of boredom at home while I recover. The timing of the operation has actually worked out rather well, in the scheme of things Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts