Boldness

[Chikirin]

As a baptist I was okay with having a mostly personal faith, I was always ready to give an answer to those that asked but I wasn't bent on making converts. Then in the pente church, the overall message was that none of us was bold enough, and we ought to emulate the one or two really type-A evangelizers in our church, so I started praying God make me bold!

 

But then found myself in the boldness trap, where if I ever demured, I'd feel horrible guilt, like why are you not being bold? You must not really love God - if you did, you'd be bold.

 

So in comparing my baptist upbringing with my college age pente faith, the pente phase was marked by an obsessive need to prove myself to God through boldness, till I felt drained.

 

Getting ready to go on a summer mission trip, I sent letters to atheist relatives asking them for money, i didn't want to, but I was in the boldness trap, and I ended up doing so, because I couldn't even sleep till I'd sent the letters. As a pente I would chalk this up as proof of being filled with the holy spirit, and I didn't want to quench him, but I came to wish for him to just leave me alone, he never seemed to stop bothering me.

[Leith]

I recognize the feeling.

Maybe feeling anxious about sharing a message is a sign that the message is bullshit.

[Reprobate]

Pentecostal and introvert are two things that do not go well together.

[Thought2Much]

Pentecostal and introvert are two things that do not go well together.

 

No. No they don't. And I speak from personal experience. If it weren't for all of the guilt heaped on me, I never would have found myself witnessing to strangers on River Street in Savannah, Georgia. I always felt badly after I did it because deep down, I just didn't enjoy it, but everyone always told me that if I loved Jesus, I should have loved what I was doing.

[owen652]

Pentecostal and introvert are two things that do not go well together.

 

No. No they don't. And I speak from personal experience. If it weren't for all of the guilt heaped on me, I never would have found myself witnessing to strangers on River Street in Savannah, Georgia. I always felt badly after I did it because deep down, I just didn't enjoy it, but everyone always told me that if I loved Jesus, I should have loved what I was doing.

 

boy can i relate to that. i've always been introverted and when i was a kid i was painfully shy, so the guilt that was heaped upon me (even from the baptist church before i went pentecostal) was just horrible. i just could not bring myself to go doorknocking or street preaching or even just 'witnessing' to other people because the thought terrified me. and it wasn't just me; other, less introverted people never seemed to witness at all. it only seemed to be the ones with that particular personality type. of course, if the internet was around in those days, I probly would've done it that way (and i did, in the later years). why is it that so many people, who are convinced that they've been saved from eternal torment, don't tell others about their impending doom? simple - they don't believe it themselves. I've always thought that was strange, even while i was a christian. If you REALLY believed that people you walk past on the street are going to burn for ever and ever and ever, wouldn't you grab them by the shirt and scream at them to repent? wouldn't you give up your job and live a John the Baptist-type existence, spending every waking moment telling people about the coming apocalypse? Of course, there are people who really do that. They are the only genuine Christians.

[ConureDelSol]

I only witnessed via handing out pamphlets and stuff. I always felt so wrong trying to intrude on people's lives just to tell them all about Jesus. I was just NOT good at it. The church would always pile on the guilt and there are books our church pastor have written. I think "Soulwinning is Not a Gift" is one of the books. It's the main focus of my church. To go out and annoy the masses for Christ. I try to avoid any and all "outreach" events.

[Zaphod]

I trained to become a missionary at one point, but as so often happens, the serious study of the scripture was the beginning of a slow train to Godlessville. As it became clear that I wasn't going to enter the clergy, I rationalized my lack of urge to run around with pamphlets by using one of Paul's writings that we each have different roles and talents, just like a body has different parts with different functions. I decided my role was elsewhere besides evangelizing.

[Zaphod]

And for the record, awesome avatar, Chikirin. I kinda remember that episode.

[Positivist]

Bad memories! I relate to the other introverts here and to the shy/guilt cycles. I was tormented.

 

And like Leith so aptly put it "Maybe feeling anxious about sharing a message is a sign that the message is bullshit."

 

My [perfect hindsight] thoughts exactly!

[Deva]

Yes, being Baptist is bad for an introvert. I have always been a shy introvert and there was actually no way I was ever going to go on "visitation." This was really expected of the church members. I suppose they mostly went to the homes of people who had visited the church, rather than door to door. Still - it was way too intimidating. I was always embarrassed for my mother when she would have someone over to the house trying to witness to them. She is also an introvert - it just seemed embarrassing, even though at the time I was still a believer.

 

We would get sermons threatening us that if we did not witness we had "blood on our hands." There is a bullshit Bible verse somewhere they used to good effect for those types of threats. There was always a fear thing going- - we would need to account for our actions at the judgment seat of Christ. Despite all the "God is love" stuff, for me the real message was fear. Otherwise, why the threats?

 

Most people in this country (especially here in the south) are aware of the so-called "plan of salvation". They don't need it shoved in their face.

[♦ ficino ♦]

I hear you. I always really hated witnessing and feeling compelled to witness, also hated even the mindset that drives you to think about everyone you meet, is this person saved, and if not, how can I plant a seed? It's so much more wholesome to recognize that everyone is just a human being - a poor slob on the bus trying to make his/her way home.

[blackpudd1n]

I just felt like the biggest douche trying to witness. I would say more, but the brain's too tired to write anything more coherent.

[Chikirin]

And for the record, awesome avatar, Chikirin. I kinda remember that episode.

 

If you were afraid of him, he could kill you with a touch - but as long as you weren't afraid, he was powerless.

[aviator]

 

why is it that so many people, who are convinced that they've been saved from eternal torment, don't tell others about their impending doom? simple - they don't believe it themselves. I've always thought that was strange, even while i was a christian. If you REALLY believed that people you walk past on the street are going to burn for ever and ever and ever, wouldn't you grab them by the shirt and scream at them to repent? wouldn't you give up your job and live a John the Baptist-type existence, spending every waking moment telling people about the coming apocalypse? Of course, there are people who really do that. They are the only genuine Christians.

 

Yes, this!! I could never bring myself to preach to family, co-workers, non christian friends etc because it sounded silly in my head. I tried to picture the conversation in my mind and it always ended up with me looking like a total fool. "You know when you were angry the other day and said you really hated such-and-such, well did you realise that the bible calles that murder? If you don't repent and accept Jesus then you'll burn for eternity in hell?". Needless to say, I stayed quiet.

 

I then had convictions that I was more concerned about making a fool of myself than saving them from hellfire. What a great way to live life.

[Suzy]

God hates introverts. I'm too an introvert and I was a pente. I can confirm the two don't go well together. I always hated to proselytize. It was so not me. I didn't do it often either and of course that was another reason to feel guilty. I knew I should but I just could not.

[Zephie]

I never could. Even on missions trips I couldn't share my testimony because it was too clean. I've always wondered why so many good people would be sent to hell. Guess I never really believed it whole heartedly. Just didn't.

[jackbauer]

This is yet another abusive concept developed by a "loving" belief system. It puts people in a situation where they are responsible for the eternal fates of others. I remember one day in class where I had these horrific thoughts of my fellow classmates burning in hell because I didn't tell them about Jesus. I almost evangelized right there, but then I pussied out and ran out before I made an ass of myself. I spent the rest of the day thinking I was a worthless and selfish bastard who was willing to let people suffer in hell forever because I was afraid of making an ass of myself in class. It didn't help that on the same day I stumbled upon a website that warned me that I would be held accountable to God and Jesus for failing to warn others.

 

So let me get this straight, God, an all powerful being, is putting all the preasure on us faulty humans to convert people just so he won't send them to hell? And then he'll blame us for their fates when he's the one damning them!!! As someone with social anxiety, words cannot describe the unadulterated RAGE I have for such theology. It angered me then and looking back, it's making me even angrier. This is not "love" in any sense of the word. Anyone who thinks so is either a) deluted has stockholm syndrone or c) is one of those theologeon apologists using mental gymnastics.

 

I agree with whoever said that those people must not really believe it. If they did, they would be one of those nutty street preachers running around the city trying to save people. I know that while I feared it might be true, I didn't completely believe it. I had anger, doubts, and could not stop thinking outside the box. Heck, I didn't even know if I was saved myself, so how could I possibly save others? Fuck this belief system! Fuck it all to hell!!!!!!!!!

[FeelHappy]

I'm a painfully shy anxiety prone introvert, so trying to give testimonies or share my faith was painful, awkward and often left me depressed. But with that being said, the belief in a deity did actually help me in the long run. It took me 27 years but eventually I found myself trusting in god and able to witness or stand in front of a group and conquer my fear. The power of suggestion can cause you to believe in these types of things and by basing my trust in god, I did overcome my fears. Of course this is no different than a therapist slowly working with someone to overcome their fears.

[Onyx]

Even boldly witnessing are bad for extroverts too. Poor guy and gal having to jabber on about God all day when they know they'd rather be jabbering about something else.

[Leith]

When I was a christian, I didn't do much evangelizing at all. I just thought: If god wants to convert people, then what is he waiting for?

 

Yeah, I was a calvinist. Maybe that has something to do with it.

 

But I did believe in "preaching the good news" when the occasion was there. When someone asked me about my christianity or when the topic came up in conversation. I still found it difficult though. People were asking to many smart questions.

[JadedAtheist]

Been there done that. Can't say that I enjoyed the experience much. Felt like an idiot everytime and when you're that nervous you can't present that information well or even defend it well do you look even worse because your thinking is so clouded.

 

Preaching was even worse. I didn't have a mic to use so I had to project my voice most times. For the longest time I would speak quickly, and quietly. I'd have an hour long sermon done in like 40mins or less, the entire time people weren't able to hear me.

 

I eventually spoke loud enough for people to hear and slow enough for people to understand but I never felt comfortable, that was mostly because of the intensity of the task, I was expositing God's word and I will be held accountable for it, this isn't anything to sneer at.

[owen652]

JA, i used to do some lay-preaching too, and found it to be the most horrendously nerve-wracking experience. I would nearly puke beforehand every time. maybe it was just because i didn't really believe what i was saying.

[aviator]

Felt like an idiot everytime and when you're that nervous you can't present that information well or even defend it well do you look even worse because your thinking is so clouded.

 

I can identify with you there. Quite often I felt like I was saying what I thought I had to (God will judge me for this in the afterlife etc) but the words coming out of my mouth never really felt like mine. You could see whoever was listening was thinking "alrighty then!".

[Akheia]

Luckily, I wasn't expected to preach or speak publicly, thanks to my unfortunate lack of outdoor plumbing. I didn't witness much at all, but that was largely because it felt so weird to tell people that they should believe like I did based only upon my feelings that it was true. They had feelings too, after all, and their feelings didn't match mine. Arguing about whose feelings trumped whose seemed like an exercise in futility.

[mcdaddy]

I hear you. I always really hated witnessing and feeling compelled to witness, also hated even the mindset that drives you to think about everyone you meet, is this person saved, and if not, how can I plant a seed? It's so much more wholesome to recognize that everyone is just a human being - a poor slob on the bus trying to make his/her way home.

 

Except for the Pope maybe, in Rome?