Desperate Prayers!

[Margee]

I am not 'ranting today, I am quite peaceful, but.........I was just reading Victory's post ( http://www.ex-christ...__fromsearch__1 ) and about how damn happy he is, that god is 'showing himself' to Victory right now and calling him back into the fold.

 

I get so angry at this because I was so desperate for god to reveal himself to me in the last couple of years .

I begged, pleaded, cried my heart out, went through depression, placed letters under my pillow, asked him to visit me in dreams, and to just show me ONE LITTLE SIGN that he cared about me and the fact that I was leaving the fold.

 

Nothing...... not even a fucking light bulb flickering....... and then I read these testimonies of god speaking to others.

I even asked god that if Satan had a hold of me or had me 'blinded', to release me from the devil.

 

How desperate were you, for god to give you a sign of his 'presence', as you were sadly leaving the fold?

 

I cried enough tears to make a new a river on earth.

[Overcame Faith]

An emotional experience like Victory described is not the answer to a prayer. Rather, it is an inner emotional response to one's needs. His prayers weren't answered, either, he just thinks they were.

[florduh]

How desperate were you, for god to give you a sign of his 'presence', as you were sadly leaving the fold?

Not desperate enough to create my own mental fiction as others have. If a god exists, loves you, and wants you to spend eternity with him - would he make you beg???

[blackpudd1n]

Margee, was being a christian really all that great to begin with?

[Margee]

Margee, was being a christian really all that great to begin with?

 

Yes Pudd - It DID have it's good points in my opinion. It gave me one little tiny bit of hope that this life is not all there is...... and more. I kept pushing all the 'dark' side of the whole thing away.... and concentrated, right to the very end, on the 'magical' parts.

 

I would rather get back to the OP if you don't mind hon!

[blackpudd1n]

Margee, was being a christian really all that great to begin with?

Yes Pudd - It DID have it's good points in my opinion. It gave me one little tiny bit of hope that this life is not all there is...... and more. I kept pushing all the 'dark' side of the whole thing away.... and concentrated, right to the very end, on the 'magical' parts.

 

Fair enough. But seeing as god is not real, and you yearn for all the niceness and none of the bitterness, why not come up with your own belief system? Or look into Wicca- I think there's a lot in Wicca that you could actually be quite comfortable with.

 

Sometimes when I read your posts, I get the impression that you can no longer believe in christianity, but feel uncomfortabe in atheism. And forgive me if I sound presumptuous, but I often get the impression that you are not at peace in atheism, like it goes against something at your core. And that is okay. Why not have an intense look into other belief systems, and cherry-pick from a few even, if you so desire? The reason I mentioned wicca is because one of the premises of wicca is that if you don't agree with something, you simply don't follow it. It's about being true to yourself, and it is your personal journey. My father's paganism is a very personal thing; it's simply a way that he understands the world around him.

[♦ ficino ♦]

I prayed many desperate prayers, too. Now I think though that the assumption that this life is all there is makes it all the more precious. Plus, as a Christian I kept thinking that nothing in our natural world and life is worth anything for itself, that all value is bumped up to the level of what God wants.

[Margee]

Margee, was being a christian really all that great to begin with?

Yes Pudd - It DID have it's good points in my opinion. It gave me one little tiny bit of hope that this life is not all there is...... and more. I kept pushing all the 'dark' side of the whole thing away.... and concentrated, right to the very end, on the 'magical' parts.

 

Fair enough. But seeing as god is not real, and you yearn for all the niceness and none of the bitterness, why not come up with your own belief system? Or look into Wicca- I think there's a lot in Wicca that you could actually be quite comfortable with.

 

Sometimes when I read your posts, I get the impression that you can no longer believe in christianity, but feel uncomfortabe in atheism. And forgive me if I sound presumptuous, but I often get the impression that you are not at peace in atheism, like it goes against something at your core. And that is okay. Why not have an intense look into other belief systems, and cherry-pick from a few even, if you so desire? The reason I mentioned wicca is because one of the premises of wicca is that if you don't agree with something, you simply don't follow it. It's about being true to yourself, and it is your personal journey. My father's paganism is a very personal thing; it's simply a way that he understands the world around him.

I am not really 'comfortable' with anything that is not reality anymore. If this leaves me 'uncomfortable' for the rest of my life - I can live with that. I'm OK being an atheist, not comfortable or uncomfortable. No emotional tags on it. I am quite peaceful regardless of the topics I post. I just like input from others, about what they went through.

[LivingLife]

Margee, from what I have learned from you, you have been dealt a pretty shitty hand. In spite of this, you do seem to have risen above this and is seen in your empathy and support to other folk here you do not know in RL.

 

This pretend spiritual stuff is all imaginary and a mind fuck. You know that.

 

I think your biggest disappointment is the vested years wasted hoping that fantasy would morph into reality.

 

In a nutshell, you are a good person. No need for imaginary beings.

[Margee]

Margee, from what I have learned from you, you have been dealt a pretty shitty hand. In spite of this, you do seem to have risen above this and is seen in your empathy and support to other folk here you do not know in RL.

 

This pretend spiritual stuff is all imaginary and a mind fuck. You know that.

 

I think your biggest disappointment is the vested years wasted hoping that fantasy would morph into reality.

 

In a nutshell, you are a good person. No need for imaginary beings.

I so appreciate your remarks today- you guys are so kind....., but I did not want this to be about me. I am asking everyone what desperate measures they took in praying and stuff before they gave up totally believing in the 'presence' of god..

 

love to you all today.............

[oddbird1963]

It was a desparate, humiliating feeling. "God, you say you love me, so please give me some indication that you are there. You know me. You know how I think. You can reveal your presence to me in a convincing way. . . " then I got nothing.

 

Florduh's question is perfect. If he loves us, why does he make it reach a point where we have to beg. Yes, I know that living by faith is a cherished value in Christian circles. But this is something different. It's like a person in the middle of a drought dying of thirst and asking the supervisor of the water company for just a glass of water - and being ignored.

 

Real love from a real god would not allow such withholding a response to a reasonable request.

[Margee]

It was a desparate, humiliating feeling. "God, you say you love me, so please give me some indication that you are there.

 

It's like a person in the middle of a drought dying of thirst and asking the supervisor of the water company for just a glass of water - and being ignored.

 

Real love from a real god would not allow such withholding a response to a reasonable request.

Well put oddbird!!

[blackpudd1n]

I am not really 'comfortable' with anything that is not reality anymore. If this leaves me 'uncomfortable' for the rest of my life - I can live with that.

 

I am quite peaceful regardless of the topics I post. I just like input from others, about what they went through.

 

Okay then. Personally, I don't like dwelling on shit from the past any more than necessary, but I managed to make myself physically ill from fasting when my marriage was a shambles. And I realised five days in that all was not as it seemed. I was so desperately unhappy, and I believed so strongly that god would fix things, that when he was silent, day after day, week after week, month after month, and nothing improved, but only got worse, and I was so lonely and isolated and had no-one to talk to... I just felt like god had lied to me. Betrayed me. Broken my heart.

 

I felt so trapped and I struggled so hard. This was the man god wanted me to marry, i thought. This was the same man who told me that I was lucky that he did marry me, because none of his friends, who were christians, would ever marry a girl who'd been raped. I was damaged goods to my ex-husband, and I would be even more damaged goods in the eyes of god and the church if I left him. Why did god do this to me? That was all I could think. And yet, I blamed myself for all my marriage problems, not god or my ex-husband. I fasted, and I prayed, and eventually, I left my ex-husband... and god's betrayal and broken promises were something I could not let go of. I felt so guilty for how I felt towards god that I searched for him endlessly, desperate for that faith again, that delusion I had felt so secure in. But I could not find god. He just wasn't there, and eventually, I had to face the fact that he would never be. God and his shitty bible put me through horrific abuse, and eventually, I decided that I WAS worth more than that, and more than his so-called 'plan' for my life. God can go fuck himself, as far as I'm concerned. He's not worth the time of day.

[Positivist]

I can relate, Margee. Someone posted to http://new.exchristi...for-losers.html (see Rebecca McCarthy's post--down near the bottom of the comments). She had a big comeback to God, because He supposedly visited her in a dream, etc. etc.. You can read it for yourself; anyhow, she ends her post with the encouragement that we should TRY AGAIN to find God.

 

I replied: "I'm too tired to try again. I was on my face before God for 25 years, fasting, praying and begging. I have come up empty and psychologically cachexic, beaten down by interminable silence. I have moved on and re-discovered joy."

 

So why does Rebecca (and Victory) get the nummies from God? All I ever wanted was even one tiny sprig of hope but ended with nothing even close. The reason is because Rebecca and Victory (who is loco loco) are better at conjuring up a neurotransmitter buzz that resembles the buzz they had or expected from God. Then, they take this buzz and slap the "God" label on it, and then fabricate and confabulate the rest.

 

It sucks not being able to fool oneself into believing something that is false. Somehow, we have to rediscover joy!

 

Peace, dear Margee!

[Margee]

I am not really 'comfortable' with anything that is not reality anymore. If this leaves me 'uncomfortable' for the rest of my life - I can live with that.

 

I am quite peaceful regardless of the topics I post. I just like input from others, about what they went through.

 

Okay then. Personally, I don't like dwelling on shit from the past any more than necessary, but I managed to make myself physically ill from fasting when my marriage was a shambles. And I realised five days in that all was not as it seemed. I was so desperately unhappy, and I believed so strongly that god would fix things, that when he was silent, day after day, week after week, month after month, and nothing improved, but only got worse, and I was so lonely and isolated and had no-one to talk to... I just felt like god had lied to me. Betrayed me. Broken my heart.

 

I felt so trapped and I struggled so hard. This was the man god wanted me to marry, i thought. This was the same man who told me that I was lucky that he did marry me, because none of his friends, who were christians, would ever marry a girl who'd been raped. I was damaged goods to my ex-husband, and I would be even more damaged goods in the eyes of god and the church if I left him. Why did god do this to me? That was all I could think. And yet, I blamed myself for all my marriage problems, not god or my ex-husband. I fasted, and I prayed, and eventually, I left my ex-husband... and god's betrayal and broken promises were something I could not let go of. I felt so guilty for how I felt towards god that I searched for him endlessly, desperate for that faith again, that delusion I had felt so secure in. But I could not find god. He just wasn't there, and eventually, I had to face the fact that he would never be. God and his shitty bible put me through horrific abuse, and eventually, I decided that I WAS worth more than that, and more than his so-called 'plan' for my life. God can go fuck himself, as far as I'm concerned. He's not worth the time of day.

Wow, pudd...that is so god-damned sad. I remember taping a picture of my husband who left me in my bible and prayed everyday for months for god to bring him home.......like you.....no responce.

 

All of the painful experiences that each and everyone of us goes through - just confirms more to me that I am on the right track.

 

thank you for sharing this painful time. Hug!

[Zephie]

*hugs* Hi Margee, this is from your little "Cajun" niece. You are an amazingly strong woman. I see that in your posts. From my experience, what did it for me, the biggest reason I left Christianity and God behind is this (among numerous reasons), it wasn't the loss of my dad's hand, it was the desire for human intimacy between me and another. The desire to be held and loved. In short, sexual desire. I lived the whole "purity" lie, believing that my self-worth lies in what's between my legs. My value as a woman depended on my sexual purity and my ability to have children. I yearned for this. For the whole dream, to meet a man, fall in love, get married, go through the ups and downs, grow old together, and die. However, the longer I waited and waited on God to send me my soulmate, the more I missed out on life. This yearning for human intimacy and contact led me into a deep depression. I still struggle with depression daily and to be honest, after learning what I've learned, I cycle quite rapidly. As soon as I can get medical help, I will. But I digress....I prayed and pleaded with God, drove around for hours crying, begging, pleading for him. I figured if He hadn't met this need by now then I was praying for the wrong thing. So I asked Him to remove the desire and He didn't. The desire only grew stronger. So I got fed up and left. What I found after meeting someone (whom I am no longer with) was after my "first time" I was still the same person. Maybe even better. I no longer judged people harshly, I was nicer, kinder, etc.

 

So that's my struggle. I know it's hard. Maybe I don't understand how difficult and hard it is for you. I see that you are a strong woman with a beautiful heart. If you ever make your way to Louisiana and I'm still here, I'll meet up with you. *hugs* Victory gave into their emotions and will eventually be disappointed again. You however, have found the truth after much struggle. It's okay to grieve. Perhaps that's where you are at. It's okay. *hugs*

[Positivist]

Replying again to add that I would love to tell the rest of my story here some time. It screams cruel irony. It would really show how I tried so damn hard to find "the Buzz^TM". I felt like I was being pushed over the cliff of faith. Finally, there I am, hanging white knuckled on the edge of the cliff of faith, and who should come stomp on my white knuckled fingers but God himself.

 

I'm too afraid to tell this story publicly because I'm afraid of being discovered. But this is the essence (not the details) of it.

 

Anyhow, I think you are having the Spiritual DTs, I'm afraid, dear Margee. Know you are healing.

[Margee]

 

So why does Rebecca (and Victory) get the nummies from God? All I ever wanted was even one tiny sprig of hope but ended with nothing even close. The reason is because Rebecca and Victory (who is loco loco) are better at conjuring up a neurotransmitter buzz that resembles the buzz they had or expected from God. Then, they take this buzz and slap the "God" label on it, and then fabricate and confabulate the rest.

 

Somehow, we have to rediscover joy!

 

Peace, dear Margee!

 

Heartbreaking - this searching for god, wasn't it!!?

 

What you said above.....So true Positivist....... so true. Excellent! thank you... and always, peace to you!

[Margee]

and die. However, the longer I waited and waited on God to send me my soulmate, the more I missed out on life. This yearning for human intimacy and contact led me into a deep depression. I still struggle with depression daily and to be honest, after learning what I've learned, I cycle quite rapidly. As soon as I can get medical help, I will. But I digress....I prayed and pleaded with God, drove around for hours crying, begging, pleading for him. I figured if He hadn't met this need by now then I was praying for the wrong thing. So I asked Him to remove the desire and He didn't. The desire only grew stronger. So I got fed up and left. What I found after meeting someone (whom I am no longer with) was after my "first time" I was still the same person. Maybe even better. I no longer judged people harshly, I was nicer, kinder, etc.

 

how's my dear little neice today!! Hug!

 

You hit it on the nose big time with the above. You couldn't win either way!! you pray for a nice thing and then no answer...you pray to have the nice desire taken away and still no answer......... crap!!

[blackpudd1n]

Wow, pudd...that is so god-damned sad. I remember taping a picture of my husband who left me in my bible and prayed everyday for months for god to bring him home.......like you.....no responce.

 

All of the painful experiences that each and everyone of us goes through - just comfirms more to me that I am on the right track.

 

thank you for sharing this painful time. Hug!

 

You know, something else that didn't help god's case right at the end of my marriage, was one act of kindness from a non-christian.

 

i was at work in the restaurant one night, and someone put a love song on the jukebox, and I just lost it and ran out the back. My whole life was falling apart- everything was crashing down around me. And my shift supervisor, a man tough as nails from the north of Queensland, with his shaved head and arms covered in tatts, came out, gave me a hug, listened to me, grabbed me a drink and some smokes, and told me to take all the time I needed. He showed me more empathy and kindness than I had experienced in a whole year, and he was not a christian. his one act of kindness showed me how badly my ex-husband was treating me, and showed me how a real man treated a woman in distress- with kindness and compassion, and not with utter indifference and disdain. It was the final blow for my marriage, and I never got to thank him for that kindness he showed me that day.

[Zephie]

how's my dear little neice today!! Hug!

 

You hit it on the nose big time with the above. You couldn't win either way!! you pray for a nice thing and then no answer...you pray to have the nice desire taken away and still no answer......... crap!!

 

I am good just chillin' at work.

 

Couldn't have said that better myself. I don't know why people react the way that they do but my response was to call b.s. on the whole thing. Other friends of mine struggle in the same agony. It makes me sick to see them suffer.

[Margee]

i was at work in the restaurant one night, and someone put a love song on the jukebox, and I just lost it and ran out the back. My whole life was falling apart- everything was crashing down around me. And my shift supervisor, a man tough as nails from the north of Queensland, with his shaved head and arms covered in tatts, came out, gave me a hug, listened to me, grabbed me a drink and some smokes, and told me to take all the time I needed. He showed me more empathy and kindness than I had experienced in a whole year, and he was not a christian. his one act of kindness showed me how badly my ex-husband was treating me, and showed me how a real man treated a woman in distress- with kindness and compassion, and not with utter indifference and disdain. It was the final blow for my marriage, and I never got to thank him for that kindness he showed me that day.

Amazing isn't it? Good ole' earthly angels in the flesh!! Sounds like you went through hell. I called the pastors wife one time when I had suicidal thoughts after my husband left me and you know what she said? She said satan had me where he wanted me? Yep! That was it!! Simple explanation....jeeeuuuusssss!! (I was already in the process of backing away from the church)

 

I got off the phone that day, dusted myself off and continued to figure out a plan on how to make it!!!

 

I edited my opening post to let everyone know I wasn't 'ranting' today. I really appreciate all your stories. I don't feel so alone when I hear I wasn't the only one who went through these horrible times. love to you Pudd!.

[blackpudd1n]

i was at work in the restaurant one night, and someone put a love song on the jukebox, and I just lost it and ran out the back. My whole life was falling apart- everything was crashing down around me. And my shift supervisor, a man tough as nails from the north of Queensland, with his shaved head and arms covered in tatts, came out, gave me a hug, listened to me, grabbed me a drink and some smokes, and told me to take all the time I needed. He showed me more empathy and kindness than I had experienced in a whole year, and he was not a christian. his one act of kindness showed me how badly my ex-husband was treating me, and showed me how a real man treated a woman in distress- with kindness and compassion, and not with utter indifference and disdain. It was the final blow for my marriage, and I never got to thank him for that kindness he showed me that day.

Amazing isn't it? Good ole' earthly angels in the flesh!! Sounds like you went through hell. I called the pastors wife one time when i had suicidal thoughts after my husband left me and you know what she said? she said satan had me where he wanted me? Yep! I got off the phone, dusted myself off and continued to figure out a plan on how to make it!!!

 

I edited my opening post to let everyone know I wasn't 'ranting' today. I really appreciate all your stories. I don't feel so alone when I hear I wasn't the only one who went through these horrible times. love to you Pudd!.

 

yeah, I apparently had the spirit of rebellion, and jezebel, and all that bullshit in me. In essence, I deserved what I got, apparently. My supervisor at work was the last person on earth I expected such kindness from. No-one at the church ever bothered to see how I was going. And if they did, it was all this bs about god's plan for my life. And christians wonder why I don't ever want to go back, and am perfectly happy being an atheist!

 

love to you too, Margee!

[Zephie]

yeah, I apparently had the spirit of rebellion, and jezebel, and all that bullshit in me. In essence, I deserved what I got, apparently. My supervisor at work was the last person on earth I expected such kindness from. No-one at the church ever bothered to see how I was going. And if they did, it was all this bs about god's plan for my life. And christians wonder why I don't ever want to go back, and am perfectly happy being an atheist!

 

 

Same here. When I come out, boy will I hear it.

[FeelHappy]

Back in my charismatic days, I thought that god gave me multiple signs. None were anything I couldn't get out of church I later realized. I'd love a sign but it would have to be something which actually seemed supernatural. Lets face it, the human mind is primed to be taken in by religion, having a religious experience proves nothing, all religions have religious experiences. At most we have a common spirituality or there is a god whom doesn't care which religion you are. The christian god isn't anymore real than any of the others, if you go off experiences, either they're all real or all fake. If they're all real or their is just a single real one then we've gotten the information about it wrong.