My Father Is Becoming A Pastor

[VacuumFlux]

I don't have much original to say, since everyone else has given you great advice, but I just wanted to add one more voice telling you that you're alright as you are and that it's your family with the problem.

 

Also, you are not an object to be "given away" so if you decide to marry your boyfriend then your dad should be there to celebrate with you-just my opinion on that one.

Wow. Just.....

I...i had never thought about that before. About how much ownership "giving away" implies. My father has told me thought, that my body belongs to him until he gives it to my husband, so i guess i shoudl have seen...but...wow. I feel like my brain is exploding!

 

Even as a Christian, the idea bothered me. When I was a teenager and a boy asked me out and I was supposed to ask my dad if that was ok, I was creeped out by the idea that my dad had any say in my own emotions. (To me, "dating" is more of a descriptive label about how two people already feel towards each other, and marriage is about publicly stating you how already feel towards each other and demanding public/legal recognition that you are your own family unit now. Trying to get the label first and then act the part until, hopefully, your emotions line up has never made sense to me.)

 

As a brief devil's advocate, I have heard some variations of this that bothered me less. One wedding I went to, when the pastor asked "who gives this woman...", her dad stood up and said "her mother and I do". So at least that was only a parent-child thing, not a men-owning-women thing. Another variation is a friend of mine who was raised non-religious was surprised that this bothered me, and said to her it had never been about permission, but more about the parent stating that "I recognise that you are an adult now, I support your choice, and I'm going to back off and let you and your spouse live your own life and not be one of THOSE in-laws".

 

Wow....i guess i never thought that I am being abused.

I always just thought of it as my father's brand of love, how he's always been.

I mean...ive seen him cry as he tells me these things....it DOES hurt him...

 

>_<

 

You are NEVER responsible for someone's feelings in that sense. The very fact that he claims your actions are unacceptable because of how it makes him feel is on every checklist for recognising abusive behavior (google for "emotional abuse", and you'll probably find a lot that you can relate to). I've fallen for that one in a friendship before, and I was pretty worn down and depressed before I finally admitted to myself that I'd made a mistake in accepting this person as a friend. He is using your love for him as a weapon to hurt you. He is ignoring your own feelings, your own wellbeing. You are doing what you need to for yourself, not as an act of aggression against him, and it is his problem that he chooses to take it that way. He is being selfish and immoral.

 

Here's a sample quote from http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm

 

The first thing that we need to learn to do is communicate without blaming. That means, stop saying things like: you make me so angry; you hurt me; you make me crazy; how could you do that to me after all I have done for you; etc. These are the very types of messages we got in childhood that has so warped our perspective on our own emotional process.

 

I grew up believing that I had the power to make my father angry and to break my mother's heart. I thought that I was supposed to be perfect, and that if I was not, I was causing the people I loved great pain. I grew up believing that something was wrong with me because I was human. I grew up believing that I had power over other peoples feelings - and they had power over mine.

...

I had no real concept of being responsible for my own feelings because I had learned that other people were responsible for my feelings - and vice versa. I had to learn to start defining myself emotionally as separate from other people in order to start learning who I was.

 

And from a site about spousal domestic abuse, one of the warning signs is

Does your partner blame you for their own abusive behavior?

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

 

I would encourage you to read stuff online about recognising abusive situations. You're used to seeing abuse as normal, which leaves you at a higher than average risk for ending up in other abusive relationships. You deserve better than that. Know the warning signs, do not make excuses for other people's behavior out of fear of being rude or mean or judgmental, stand up for yourself, and choose healthy relationships to nurture instead of unhealthy ones.

[sarahinprogress]

But again, you have an ally in the RCUS, even though it sounds like you may not be in it for too much longer. I was hoping it wouldn't go so far as an excommunication (where they advise the church members to limit their contact with you), but if they actually make you go through it, please let us know. That would also give me a good indication of what to expect when I break the news, too.

 

Jeremy

 

Thank you so much for your message, i will be messaging you privately, but i just wanted to say thank you here first.

The Matthew 18, and excommunication process is a large part because of the "Sexual Sin" in which i am unrepentant and refuse to admit i did anything wrong. It's because of my rebellion under my father's rule, and the churches law, and not so much on the subject of rejecting my faith. Although at this point i think that....the two are so closely tied together that they can not be extricated from one another. They stem from the same source in my fathers mind. And i guess that is true to some degree....they both do stem from the same thing: my unwillingness to continue drinking the calvinistic kool aid, or in fact, any religious kool aid. I just can not any longer torment myself under the laws, fear, and guilt of religion.

So your dad is a calvinist?

He should know that there are the elect and the reprobate, this isn't his call or even your call. Only god can change your heart, surely as a calvinist he believes that.

Did god not harden pharaoh's heart and use that to kill the first born in egypt?

Wasn't it god who said before they had done any good or bad that 'Jacob I've loved but Esau have I hated'.

Tell your dad to pray for you. That you're in a season of doubt, only god can reveal himself and change your heart, and perhaps you're not one of the elect. Have him pray to god for you to become an elect, god knows your heart so pretending to be something you're not won't work when you die.

I'm not sure my post really has a point, I just hate Calvinism, its so evil, the calvinist god is one of the more vile pictures of god, he creates two children and sends one to hell for no reason while saving the other for no reason. Who knows maybe if your not an "elect" your dad will see the abhorrent belief set he's wanting to be a minister in. I think realizing the plausibility of Calvinism was one of the many reasons that I lost my faith.

I could probably tell you verbatim my fathers answer to this: it used to be my answer. We have no right to question God, he is the potter and we are the clay. Does the created have the right to say to the creator "why did you make me thus?"

 

Yeah, i hate Calvinism too.

What surprises me is how my mother is coming to accept it. She works in a NeoNatal intensive care unit and sees tiny infants die all the time. How can she believe that god would send some of those who are so without fault or blame into eternal damnation, AFTER he is the one who made them thus?

 

it torments me.

[sarahinprogress]

I had to reply to you alone VF, because your message cut right to the heart of me. I have been and still am fighting off tears all day. Others have said on this forum already that i am under a form of abuse, but, i suppose having been under it for so long, i refused to see it. I love my father so much and it hurts so much to be in this place when i feel outside of his love and his acceptance, despite what he says about loving me unconditionally, his love HAS conditions and i am dying inside. Let me take your message bit by bit because i truly appreciate it.

 

I don't have much original to say, since everyone else has given you great advice, but I just wanted to add one more voice telling you that you're alright as you are and that it's your family with the problem.

Even one voice is enough, and i have found so many here telling me that *i am not wrong,* and to know that so many of you have suffered as i have suffered and have gotten through to the other side...it is...it is so touching and hopeful and empowering, and you have all helped me so much even in these last few days.

Also, you are not an object to be "given away" so if you decide to marry your boyfriend then your dad should be there to celebrate with you-just my opinion on that one.

Wow. Just.....

I...i had never thought about that before. About how much ownership "giving away" implies. My father has told me thought, that my body belongs to him until he gives it to my husband, so i guess i shoudl have seen...but...wow. I feel like my brain is exploding!

 

Even as a Christian, the idea bothered me. When I was a teenager and a boy asked me out and I was supposed to ask my dad if that was ok, I was creeped out by the idea that my dad had any say in my own emotions. (To me, "dating" is more of a descriptive label about how two people already feel towards each other, and marriage is about publicly stating you how already feel towards each other and demanding public/legal recognition that you are your own family unit now. Trying to get the label first and then act the part until, hopefully, your emotions line up has never made sense to me.)

I wasn't allowed to date ANYONE without my fathers approval until the last year. Not only did my suitor have to get my fathers approval, he had to sit down and have a "chat" with my father which involved going over his sexual history, his intentions for my purity and whether or not he intended to seek my hand in marriage.

As a brief devil's advocate, I have heard some variations of this that bothered me less. One wedding I went to, when the pastor asked "who gives this woman...", her dad stood up and said "her mother and I do". So at least that was only a parent-child thing, not a men-owning-women thing. Another variation is a friend of mine who was raised non-religious was surprised that this bothered me, and said to her it had never been about permission, but more about the parent stating that "I recognise that you are an adult now, I support your choice, and I'm going to back off and let you and your spouse live your own life and not be one of THOSE in-laws".

i wish i could believe that this last version was my fathers version, but i think it would be more along that lines of "i approve of this man in taking over my daughters spiritual wellbeing." My best friend has promised to give me away, though if my father refuses. He said:

We will buy the whitest white dress man has ever made, dim the lights, shine a spotlight on you, and dance unashamedly down the aisle."

And he's a christian,. SO i do have soome hope.

Wow....i guess i never thought that I am being abused.

I always just thought of it as my father's brand of love, how he's always been.

I mean...ive seen him cry as he tells me these things....it DOES hurt him...

 

You are NEVER responsible for someone's feelings in that sense. The very fact that he claims your actions are unacceptable because of how it makes him feel is on every checklist for recognising abusive behavior (google for "emotional abuse", and you'll probably find a lot that you can relate to). I've fallen for that one in a friendship before, and I was pretty worn down and depressed before I finally admitted to myself that I'd made a mistake in accepting this person as a friend. He is using your love for him as a weapon to hurt you. He is ignoring your own feelings, your own wellbeing. You are doing what you need to for yourself, not as an act of aggression against him, and it is his problem that he chooses to take it that way. He is being selfish and immoral.

This part is what hit home the most, because i HAVE been in an emotionally manipulative relationship, and an emotionally manipulative friendship, and came to my sense about both of them and wrote those people out of my life. I never allowed myself to think that my father was emotional manipulating me...but, his brother and both his sister emotionally manipulate their entire families. Why would it follow that my father does not?

 

Because the power of Christ changed him?

 

No...he is using religion to manipulate and control me.

Here's a sample quote from http://www.joy2meu.c..._Boundaries.htm

 

The first thing that we need to learn to do is communicate without blaming. That means, stop saying things like: you make me so angry; you hurt me; you make me crazy; how could you do that to me after all I have done for you; etc. These are the very types of messages we got in childhood that has so warped our perspective on our own emotional process.

 

I grew up believing that I had the power to make my father angry and to break my mother's heart. I thought that I was supposed to be perfect, and that if I was not, I was causing the people I loved great pain. I grew up believing that something was wrong with me because I was human. I grew up believing that I had power over other peoples feelings - and they had power over mine.

...

I had no real concept of being responsible for my own feelings because I had learned that other people were responsible for my feelings - and vice versa. I had to learn to start defining myself emotionally as separate from other people in order to start learning who I was.

I really dont think that is his intention, to control or to abuse me, and i think it is his intention to "do the right thing" for me. or "know best" but...i. am. damaged. And when i told him this, he turned it around, and made me the damager. I did not tell him i was damaged to harm, but to explain, to try to get him to see...but he does not, and perhaps it is time to let that go. No, not perhaps...it really is.

 

And there's this: i always jump to his defense, when peopel accuse him, saying "you just dont understand."

 

well i did read some more about abuse, and emotional manipulation, and i am horrified.

How can love get so twisted into something so damaging.

And how can my father not see the damage it causes?

[Akheia]

Many many hugs

 

I'm not really sure how someone gets to be so emotionally abusive. I think it has to do with fear--it might begin with a perfectly normal parental fear that you might get hurt or in trouble, but over time and excessive encouragement by religion it morphs into fear that you will be uncontrollable. I've been in controlling relationships and can tell you that the controller always thinks he's doing the right thing and that you're just not listening and letting him take care of you.

 

You may never convince your father that his so-called love is manipulative and abusive. I don't recommend even trying. Standing up for yourself in a firm-but-gentle, non-combative, non-aggressive way is all you need to do. Call his ridiculous bluffs and just walk away with your head held high. He's the one who will be missing out on the amazing life his daughter will build for herself.

[sarahinprogress]

The last few days since the "intervention" have been fairly peaceful, with my father being quite nice to me, not mentioning anything spiritually related.

 

Now i have a question for you all, im so awash in actually, finally accepting that i do not believe, buti have no idea where to actually start answering questions for myself, or even what questions im trying to ask. Which threads should i read, have good information? Or other resources of research, etc, preferablely free things since im pretty broke right now. Thank you =)

[sarahinprogress]

Many many hugs

 

I'm not really sure how someone gets to be so emotionally abusive. I think it has to do with fear--it might begin with a perfectly normal parental fear that you might get hurt or in trouble, but over time and excessive encouragement by religion it morphs into fear that you will be uncontrollable. I've been in controlling relationships and can tell you that the controller always thinks he's doing the right thing and that you're just not listening and letting him take care of you.

 

You may never convince your father that his so-called love is manipulative and abusive. I don't recommend even trying. Standing up for yourself in a firm-but-gentle, non-combative, non-aggressive way is all you need to do. Call his ridiculous bluffs and just walk away with your head held high. He's the one who will be missing out on the amazing life his daughter will build for herself.

 

Thank you Akheia,

I had a good, long, cathartic cry yesterday, and i actually feel alot better today about where I am and where i am going, and taking over my own life.

there is still a lot of lies, and fear , and guilt i have to deal with and sort out, but i'm getting there, and that's the important thing, right? Right. =)

[blackpudd1n]

The last few days since the "intervention" have been fairly peaceful, with my father being quite nice to me, not mentioning anything spiritually related.

 

Now i have a question for you all, im so awash in actually, finally accepting that i do not believe, buti have no idea where to actually start answering questions for myself, or even what questions im trying to ask. Which threads should i read, have good information? Or other resources of research, etc, preferablely free things since im pretty broke right now. Thank you =)

 

This is a long, but very good documentary, which was the death knell for my faith. It's called Why I Am No Longer A Christian, and I highly recommend it as a starting point, to really help everything gel in your mind. You can find it here: http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/why-i-am-no-longer-a-christian/

 

It is broken up into shorter segments, which helps if you can't watch it all in one go, and I highly recommend it

[sarahinprogress]

The last few days since the "intervention" have been fairly peaceful, with my father being quite nice to me, not mentioning anything spiritually related.

 

Now i have a question for you all, im so awash in actually, finally accepting that i do not believe, buti have no idea where to actually start answering questions for myself, or even what questions im trying to ask. Which threads should i read, have good information? Or other resources of research, etc, preferablely free things since im pretty broke right now. Thank you =)

 

This is a long, but very good documentary, which was the death knell for my faith. It's called Why I Am No Longer A Christian, and I highly recommend it as a starting point, to really help everything gel in your mind. You can find it here: http://topdocumentar...er-a-christian/

 

It is broken up into shorter segments, which helps if you can't watch it all in one go, and I highly recommend it

 

thank you!

[blackpudd1n]

The last few days since the "intervention" have been fairly peaceful, with my father being quite nice to me, not mentioning anything spiritually related.

 

Now i have a question for you all, im so awash in actually, finally accepting that i do not believe, buti have no idea where to actually start answering questions for myself, or even what questions im trying to ask. Which threads should i read, have good information? Or other resources of research, etc, preferablely free things since im pretty broke right now. Thank you =)

 

This is a long, but very good documentary, which was the death knell for my faith. It's called Why I Am No Longer A Christian, and I highly recommend it as a starting point, to really help everything gel in your mind. You can find it here: http://topdocumentar...er-a-christian/

 

It is broken up into shorter segments, which helps if you can't watch it all in one go, and I highly recommend it

 

thank you!

 

No worries It chronicles how the guy lost his faith, and later in the doco has excellent stuff on the origins of christianity and the like. He also points out some good references and sums up what they say. Very well-thought out doco. I watched it twice the weekend I lost my faith. I found it to be a really good starting point

[sarahinprogress]

No worries It chronicles how the guy lost his faith, and later in the doco has excellent stuff on the origins of christianity and the like. He also points out some good references and sums up what they say. Very well-thought out doco. I watched it twice the weekend I lost my faith. I found it to be a really good starting point

 

So i'm watching this Docu and im sitting here in my bed room with this kind of look on my face:

[blackpudd1n]

No worries It chronicles how the guy lost his faith, and later in the doco has excellent stuff on the origins of christianity and the like. He also points out some good references and sums up what they say. Very well-thought out doco. I watched it twice the weekend I lost my faith. I found it to be a really good starting point

 

So i'm watching this Docu and im sitting here in my bed room with this kind of look on my face:

 

yeah, it's a bit like that, hey lol

[sarahinprogress]

five more days until my 25th birthday and i am still trapped here.

i am currently looking for another job, and have a couple promising leads.

 

That said, i need some support/advice.

 

I am currently required by my father (via a contract i was coerced into signing having nowhere else to go at the time) to go to church every sunday morning.

He recently amended this with "come, pay attention and take notes." which i have ignored, i will NOT take notes and ask him questions when i know his answers will be biased and geared towards "turning me back towards god."

this morning he came into my room and woke me up before my alarm went off to tell me "I've noticed you've been skipping out of church early. Going to church means staying as long as your mother and i stay." So i am now required to stay at church until my parents leave, however long that might be.

 

 

OIAGklshgjkaegnioasrgvnoiesadfm. >_<

 

 

I've also been thinking, that i have been a passive participant in this "excommunication" process. I do this because i think the whole thing is humiliating and foolish. But 've also been thinking that in being passive, i have also been allowing my father to keep his "headship" over me.

 

I dont really WANT to talk to the pastor and tell him that i think church is a folly and that i dont intend to ever come back after i move out, i just want to LEAVE.

 

What do you think? remain passive and just work on getting out, or take an active role in this process?

 

The downside it, that might blow up as well, into the pastors/elders trying to take a more active role in winning me back....

 

thoughts are appreciated.

[Blue elephant]

They are a bunch of fools if they think all this rubbish is going to make you more kindly disposed to them and their religion.

 

I reckon you should just work on getting out. Whatever gives you the least grief for the shortest period of time.

[Deva]

I am currently required by my father (via a contract i was coerced into signed, having nowhere else to go at the time) to go to church every sunday morning.

He recently amended this with "come, pay attention and take notes." which i have ignored, i will NOT take notes and ask him questions when i know his answers will be biased and geared towards "turning me back towards god."

 

Wow your father is controlling. Particularly since you are old enough to be on your own. That is disgusting. He will regret this later.

 

As bad as this is, if you have no other options at the moment for a job, you must continue to go through the motions or it looks like you will be thrown out of the house. If you have friends who might give you a place temporarily I would ask. If not, or they say no, you will just have to roll with the punches, knowing it will only be temporary.

 

Still, what a shame.

[sarahinprogress]

I reckon you should just work on getting out. Whatever gives you the least grief for the shortest period of time.

 

Thanks, yeah the more I think about it the more I think that getting personally, directly involved in the process at this point is a bad idea.

[sarahinprogress]

Wow your father is controlling. Particularly since you are old enough to be on your own. That is disgusting. He will regret this later.

 

 

Thank you, yeah I'm slowly coming to realize more and more just how much control he exerts over me in the name of love...

[blackpudd1n]

I reckon you should just work on getting out. Whatever gives you the least grief for the shortest period of time.

 

Thanks, yeah the more I think about it the more I think that getting personally, directly involved in the process at this point is a bad idea.

 

I don't understand the point of making you go to church when they are in the process of excommunicating you. Personally, I'd be tempted to tell them all to go jump, and save your time and theirs. But then, that's easy for me to say, living on the other side of the world. Just leave. As soon as you can, just leave. And when you do, make sure someone is there to support you. My first choice would be a militant feminist

[sarahinprogress]

 

I don't understand the point of making you go to church when they are in the process of excommunicating you. Personally, I'd be tempted to tell them all to go jump, and save your time and theirs. But then, that's easy for me to say, living on the other side of the world. Just leave. As soon as you can, just leave. And when you do, make sure someone is there to support you. My first choice would be a militant feminist

 

Hhaha, thanks Pudd! I actually feel a lot better than I did earlier, my boyfriend came to church with me to support me, so it made me feel a lot better.

[Zephie]

Hey Duckie,

I recently moved out of the house and in with my boyfriend. My parents didn't freak out like I expected. I know it's hard and it suck but I wanted to let you know it gets better. I, too, was forced to go to church on Sunday and had to stay as long as they did simply because I rode with them. Thankfully, my parents are not Calvinistic. I hope you can get out soon.

~Zephie

[VacuumFlux]

I am currently required by my father (via a contract i was coerced into signing having nowhere else to go at the time) to go to church every sunday morning.

He recently amended this with "come, pay attention and take notes." which i have ignored, i will NOT take notes and ask him questions when i know his answers will be biased and geared towards "turning me back towards god."

this morning he came into my room and woke me up before my alarm went off to tell me "I've noticed you've been skipping out of church early. Going to church means staying as long as your mother and i stay." So i am now required to stay at church until my parents leave, however long that might be.

 

Bolding mine. I know this is probably not practical to do, but if he went through the motions of writing up paperwork to pretend like this wasn't coercion, you might be able to use that against him and assert that you are only bound by the words you signed and that he has no grounds to add any terms to that without further negotiation. And insist that negotiation is a two way street, and if he wants you to take notes, he has to give up something in return. If he's going to play that game, you can play it too. But right now, I'm not sure if that would make him more angry (since you were coerced into it in the first place, he obviously doesn't respect you as an adult and an equal) or get him to see what an ass he's being. If you've got non-ideal place to crash for a while, you could try standing up to your dad with the hope that he might be slightly less unreasonable, but if he tries to call your bluff and gets worse you can prove that it wasn't just a bluff by leaving.

 

More practical advice is to just ignore him as much as you can, do the minimum you need to keep him for getting too annoying, and focus your efforts on becoming self-supporting. And once you've moved out of the house, quit going to the church and refuse to have anything more to do with the excommunication process. Let them rage in their little social circle against you if they're childish enough to feel the need, but you have no obligation to discuss any of it with them. If they try to get the elders involved, you don't have to let them in the door or answer their calls.

[ConureDelSol]

I am currently required by my father (via a contract i was coerced into signed, having nowhere else to go at the time) to go to church every sunday morning.

He recently amended this with "come, pay attention and take notes." which i have ignored, i will NOT take notes and ask him questions when i know his answers will be biased and geared towards "turning me back towards god."

 

Wow your father is controlling. Particularly since you are old enough to be on your own. That is disgusting. He will regret this later.

 

As bad as this is, if you have no other options at the moment for a job, you must continue to go through the motions or it looks like you will be thrown out of the house. If you have friends who might give you a place temporarily I would ask. If not, or they say no, you will just have to roll with the punches, knowing it will only be temporary.

 

Still, what a shame.

 

This. Maybe you can offer to help pay for rent or groceries? Also, keep your eyes open around grocery stores and news stands for apartment guides. We recently found one that had an entire (very nice) complex that is only for those with an income of under $30,000. Your rent is according to your income. If it weren't so far from me, I'd be checking it out myself!

[jdog]

Hi Duckie, I am sorry you are in this situation. I have read this thread and your posts and I am astounded how manipulative your father is. And you are 25 yrs of age. It baffles me how much control he has had over you and you have put up with it for so long but I know how manipulation and abuse is. sometimes it is not easy to see when one is in the middle of it.

I wouldn't want to stay under the roof a minute longer. And it's ridiculous that they are making you attend church and you have to play by your father's rules and stay at the church until he says you can leave. You are a grown woman. Get out. Now. Today. go somewhere. You do not need to put up with this. Find a friend. Stay with your boyfriend's family. why not? It's just temporary until you get your own place. Offer to pay his family for groceries or whatever.

 

I know the economy doesn't make it easy but young students still get out of their homes and share places with friends even if it's a tiny little place, it's still independence.

 

How your father is. It is abuse. It is not love. It is abuse. I know many people here have given you solid advice and also have said it's abuse. It is. You said that you want a relationship with your father but surely not like the way he is. right? Not the way he sees and treats you? You need a father to love and accept you unconditionally, but your father isn't doing that. Your father is not the father you really want and you may have to accept the fact he will never be who you would like him to be. It is a sad thing. I never had a father in the sense that a child needs either. I missed out on a having a loving father. Mine was abusive, mentally and physically, controlling. And he still gets on his power trips even now when he is in his 70's. but I don't have too much contact with my parents they live a zillion miles away.

 

I think the further you get away from your parents the better. Don't just wait it out until they move to Dakota. You make your move first. when you get out you will have time to think clearly and begin to find out who you are on your own without the shadow of your father. And please do not take on the burden of worrying about your parents marriage. that is a whole other issue that you do not need to be worrying about. No doubt your father has influence over your mother too but she is going along on it and that is her choice. You have your own life to lead.

 

I am rooting for you. And hope you get out there and spread your wings and fly really soon. You are going to be fine. Please keep us updated.

[norton65ca]

getoutgetoutgetoutgetoutgetout

as fast as you can. this process you are being put through is an illegitimate cultish ritual which you should not be putting yourself under.

I repeat: The "excommunication", the disciplinary process, this so-called "contract", everything, is a completely without merit or authority. the only reason you're allowing this, quite frankly, is you are reluctant to leave. His belief system no longer applies to you. It's time to make a stand and declare your position with honesty and your own authority. It will likely leave him no option but to kick you out, but this is a good thing, in my opinion.

Duckie, it's time to leave. You have something which you need to protect:

 

Your dignity.

Leaving and setting out on your own will establish it. Staying under his "Headship" (utter bollocks) deprives you of your dignity.

I wish you all the best and I do realize this can't be easy, but yet it has to be done.

[norton65ca]

By participating in the odious process, you establish its legitimacy.

You need to let them all know you consider the entire thing a joke, a kangaroo court. It's lawbook is meaningless, its courts are corrupt and lacking in authority and its edicts are empty and void.

Holding judgement over you in this "Court of excommunication" is the equivalent of a group of blowflies holding court in a stinking outhouse and judging the seagulls flying hundreds of feet overhead. Irrelevant.

[Akheia]

So he made a pretense at being "reasonable" by making you sign some document (WTF is that? Seriously, that is messed up--I can't imagine what kind of controlling asshole would even do that with something that's supposed to be a faith of love and redemption) and then reneged because your nose wasn't being rubbed fervently enough in the church's shit. He's trying to reconvert you by the sword, you realize. Demanding you "take notes and ask questions" is just gratuitously abusive.

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

Do whatever you can to get yourself out of this situation with an active hand. Don't just passively get your butt thrown out of the house if you can avoid it. I'm starting to think that your dad doesn't actually want you gone, which actually fits pretty well with his profile as an abuser--I mean, once you're gone, once you're no longer in his house, it'll be a lot harder to grab you by the scruff and jam your nose in shit. It makes sense that he's dragging the process out. I'm starting to suspect that once you're in the process of moving out, he's going to cause trouble somehow; might be best to not only try to get out as fast as you can into whatever non-parental living situation you can manage at all costs, but to do it very quickly and without giving Daddy Dearest time to respond.