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Goodbye Jesus

My Father Is Becoming A Pastor


sarahinprogress

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So he made a pretense at being "reasonable" by making you sign some document (WTF is that? Seriously, that is messed up--I can't imagine what kind of controlling asshole would even do that with something that's supposed to be a faith of love and redemption) and then reneged because your nose wasn't being rubbed fervently enough in the church's shit. He's trying to reconvert you by the sword, you realize. Demanding you "take notes and ask questions" is just gratuitously abusive.

 

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

 

Do whatever you can to get yourself out of this situation with an active hand. Don't just passively get your butt thrown out of the house if you can avoid it. I'm starting to think that your dad doesn't actually want you gone, which actually fits pretty well with his profile as an abuser--I mean, once you're gone, once you're no longer in his house, it'll be a lot harder to grab you by the scruff and jam your nose in shit. It makes sense that he's dragging the process out. I'm starting to suspect that once you're in the process of moving out, he's going to cause trouble somehow; might be best to not only try to get out as fast as you can into whatever non-parental living situation you can manage at all costs, but to do it very quickly and without giving Daddy Dearest time to respond.

 

 

I agree with this, especially the last sentence.

 

I am inspired by Nate Phelps, one of the four children of Fred Phelp (Westboro Baptist Church) who escaped their father's psychological and physical abuse. The following quote is from a brief article about Nate's interview on Nightline in 2010.

 

Fed up with his father's rage, Nate Phelps left home the very moment he legally could.

 

"I left the night I turned 18, literally at midnight," Phelps said. "I knew I was going to do it when I turned 15 or so, and I bought a car when I was 17, hid it, no one knew it was mine, packed my stuff up and at 11:30 on the night of my 18th birthday I backed it into the driveway and loaded it up and went inside, waited for the clock to hit midnight and then I left."

 

 

Here’s a link to a video of a presentation by Nate Phelps last fall.

 

I hope Nate Phelps's story inspires you, too. I'm not suggesting that your father is as much of an arsehole as Fred Phelps, but you really need to get away from your father’s control as soon as you possibly can and start living your own life.

 

Best of luck to you! And, yes, like others here, I do hope you’ll keep us informed.

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Today is my birthday.

 

Ive already gotten 3 "jesus died today for your sins! what a wonderful gift for your birthday!" messages, what with it being good friday and all.

 

 

....

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That said: Thank you all for your messages, the support you offer is truly amazing and i am so grateful.

 

I am still looking for another job, still have several good prospects and am starting to look for a room to rent for the time being. Its hard because i really dont make enough money to rent anything, i barely make 400 a month, and all the rooms i see are renting for around $250-$300. Leaving me nothing for bills, groceries, etc.

 

I looked into some government assistance programs, but the waiting lists are all 3-10 years. And....i'm not going to wait that long. I WILL get out.

 

Thank you all for your thoughts and advice, as I said, it is DEEPLY DEEPLY appreciated.

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Duckiegirl,

 

I've just read your thread, and it sounds all too familiar. Some of my closest friends were abused growing up and into their adulthood. Any decent parent knows their "job" is to help their children mature into well-adjusted adults. Too many think the way to accomplsh this is through guilt, fear, and total control. It's astounding to me, that many people who shouldn't even own pets have children! You have been more severely psychologically abused than you fathom. I've witnessed this type of abusive fathering first hand. They are loving and caring as long as your demeanor and behavior fulfills their expectations. They'll turn into angry, manipulative, controlling bastards on a dime if you fail to think, say, and do as expected for the least little thing. I might be wrong about your case, but this is what I've seen first hand.

 

Any father who is this controlling, yet jumps at the chance to throw his own daughter out on the street knowing she has little resources to survive....I won't say anything further, since he is your father, not mine. But get out quietly, and don't communicate with him (and your Mother) until they change and apologize. Even in my fundagelical days, I wouldn't think to do that to my child, no matter what my child might have said or done.

 

EDIT: I wasn't talking about MY father, but someone else

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Just an update for those interested:

 

Things have been very quiet at home the last couple weeks, except for one small incident when my father asked me on my birthday if I had partaken of communion with an unrepentant heart. I told him I had, or that occasionally I asked for forgiveness as a "just-in-case" but that I hadn really believed in what I was doing for a couple years.

He took it really well and didn't try to dive to deeply into it, and hasn't asked me anything since.

I've been applying for jobs, and will continue until I find one or two more.

I got the email for my Pre-nursing course program, so now just have to pass that and I will be able to enroll in the actual year long course.

 

All else is quiet, thank you all for your support!

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You are sooooo on the right road girl!! Don't give up!! When I read about your home life with your dad.....I get so sad that religion can do this to people. My dear sweet MIL who is 91.... who once was a wonderful, lovely lady is now seeing things, telling us crazy stories and very agitated. I am trying to stay on top of this by constantly reminding myself that her brain is starting to go crazy. This is the way I look at your dad.....only his is caused by the 'disease' of indoctrination, brainwashing and religion.

 

Wishing you the best of everything

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Just an update for those interested:

 

Things have been very quiet at home the last couple weeks, except for one small incident when my father asked me on my birthday if I ha parties of communion with an unrepentant heart. I told him I had, or that occasionally I asked for forgiveness as a "just-in-case" but that I hadn really believed in what I was doing for a couple years.

He took it really well and didn't try to dive to deeply into it, and hasn't asked me anything since.

I've been applying for jobs, and will continue until I find one or two more.

I got the email for my Pre-nursing course program, so now just have to pass that and I will be able to enroll in the actual year long course.

 

All else is quiet, thank you all for your support!

Thank you for the update! I'm assuming your post meant to say "if I had participated in communion..."

 

After thinking about that question he asked you, it strikes me as weird now to think about the Christian terms used in conversations with unbelievers. Your dad knows you are an atheist...he must know you don't believe in what is called an "unrepentant heart" toward God, right? Being that you do not believe in the Christian God, why would the term "unrepentant heart" apply to you? While he may use that terminology because he is currently a Christian, that terminology just doesn't apply to us. Just as we don't ask Christians why they haven't prayed toward Mecca today, he needs to focus on you as you are...not on what he wants you to be. His application of the Christian terminology toward you just doesn't work.

 

As unbelievers, one of the hardest things to do is to get Christians to acknowledge you and speak to you as "you"...not as a Christian or non-Christian.

 

Please continue to keep us updated! :)

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Good for you! I was wondering how that was going. Thanks for updating.

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I'm assuming your post meant to say "if I had participated in communion..."

Oops! Yes! I'll have to edit that, haha! I was posting from work with my cell, and it's temperamental about spelling.

After thinking about that question he asked you, it strikes me as weird now to think about the Christian terms used in conversations with unbelievers. Your dad knows you are an atheist...he must know you don't believe in what is called an "unrepentant heart" toward God, right? Being that you do not believe in the Christian God, why would the term "unrepentant heart" apply to you? While he may use that terminology because he is currently a Christian, that terminology just doesn't apply to us. Just as we don't ask Christians why they haven't prayed toward Mecca today, he needs to focus on you as you are...not on what he wants you to be. His application of the Christian terminology toward you just doesn't work.

 

As unbelievers, one of the hardest things to do is to get Christians to acknowledge you and speak to you as "you"...not as a Christian or non-Christian.

 

Please continue to keep us updated! :)

 

Yes! I mean, he thinks that atheists don't really NOT believe in god because there isn't anyone who doesn't have gods word "written on their hearts," so it's impossible to not believe in god. But yes, I agree that the Christian mindset is something really hard to see outside of.

 

This is one of the things I'm trying to impart to my BF: that I was so deeply ingrained with religion, and particularly with Christianity that it never really OCCURED to me to ask questions, or seek out information from any other world view than the one I was raised in.

 

That said, my father didn't really tell me WHY

He asked me other than "he was concerned" and it had been "on his heart," soooo I'm guessing it's going to come up again sometime soon since its no longer my birthday. I am grateful he didn't pursue it on my birthday and spoil it though.

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This is the way I look at your dad.....only his is caused by the 'disease' of indoctrination, brainwashing and religion.

 

Wishing you the best of everything

Thanks!

 

Yeah this is another thing I've been discussing with my boyfriend, not only that my fathers particular brand of religion is harmful and disabling, but that my fathers family has a history of mental disease/instability.

 

 

That combination, I think, makes him particularly vulnerable to religion and brainwashing etc

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DuckieGirl, I am a father of a 21 and 25 year old daughters. And as a father, I have to say that your father is a fucking idiot. He knows NOTHING about love, and has no idea how damaging his behavior is now, and will be to your future. He is an ass, a piece of shit. Sorry, but as a father, your sad story really evoked a lot of strong feelings in me. This is just more proof of how hateful and poisonous religion is. I am so sorry that you have to go through this humiliation.

 

Your father must pay for this!

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DuckieGirl, I am a father of a 21 and 25 year old daughters. And as a father, I have to say that your father is a fucking idiot. He knows NOTHING about love, and has no idea how damaging his behavior is now, and will be to your future. He is an ass, a piece of shit. Sorry, but as a father, your sad story really evoked a lot of strong feelings in me. This is just more proof of how hateful and poisonous religion is. I am so sorry that you have to go through this humiliation.

 

Your father must pay for this!

 

Thank you for the empathy, tortilla.

I am hoping that he rescinds someday, after he has had a chance to think about it, things like not coming to my wedding....I hate that his religion requires such harsh reaction from him, but am slowly coming to realize that even though he says it is my actions making him do the things he does, only he can make choices for himself.

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EXACTLY. His reactions to your actions are his problem, not yours. You're the daughter, and he's the daddy. It's totally unfair for the daddy to make the daughter responsible for things that she can't control--like his feelings and his actions.

 

My dad's a bit of a fucked-up spacecase in a lot of ways, but one piece of wisdom he gave me some 30 years ago I will carry forever. After a spat I had with my sister, he told me: "You worry about you, and let your sister worry about your sister. I'll worry about anything else." For some reason that resonated with me so profoundly that even today I still remember everything about that moment.

 

PS: Serenity love. Much much Serenity love. I'm about to run a Serenity tabletop RPG and am joyously re-watching everything I can get my hands on!

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Forgot to mention that on Sunday as i was leaving church to head to my BF's for Easter dinner, the Deacon asked me quite pointedly How i was and if there was anything he could pray for me about.

 

 

Just frustrating.

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"Now that you mention it, yeah. Some gross, disgusting, tyrannical, dickheaded old dudes are trying to control my life and force me to believe in a monstrous, genocidal god. They've convinced my mentally vulnerable father to treat his own daughter like shit and tried to make me believe that my uterus makes me an inferior being fit only for sexual servitude with a smile. Could you pray that the god they're shoving at me finally gets the clue and quits bothering me? Thanks ever so much."

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"Now that you mention it, yeah. Some gross, disgusting, tyrannical, dickheaded old dudes are trying to control my life and force me to believe in a monstrous, genocidal god. They've convinced my mentally vulnerable father to treat his own daughter like shit and tried to make me believe that my uterus makes me an inferior being fit only for sexual servitude with a smile. Could you pray that the god they're shoving at me finally gets the clue and quits bothering me? Thanks ever so much."

 

Lol!! I don't think I could ever be that blunt about it, they do think they are doing the right thing, even if it's ass backwards. I just want to get OUT

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Yep. Time to get out. Your father is facing the situation where he realises that he is losing / has lost control over you after having been able to control you for all your life up till now. Hw is trying anything and everything to try and regain control and the things he is trying are increasingly ridiculous.

 

I went through all this crap with my controlling fundie mother and I finally ended up having no contact with her for about 5 or 6 years. After that, she cut the crap.

 

You should think seriously about terminating all contact with your father for quite a while after you move out - until he fully and deeply understands that he does not have control of you.

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My dad is an elder (like a pastor, in the Brethren denomination) so I feel your pain. The same jackass elders who did jack shit when I told them my dad was smacking me in the head on a regular basis were the ones who promoted him. I get the joy of knowing they're all praying for me now. Too bad their God wasn't interested in making himself real to me back when I wanted to believe, eh? So yeah, welcome to the family. :)

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When an abuser realizes he is losing control over someone he desperately wants to control, first will come mild threats. Then cajoling. Then worse threats. Then major incentives. Then serious threats and possible violence. Depending on how much the abuser wants to control his victim, this process will escalate further and further. Therefore one should not be at all surprised that sometimes the abuser does a 180 and suddenly begins being much nicer than usual, or even apologizing for previous abuses. It's all part of a careful, sometimes subconscious but often very conscious orchestration of behaviors meant to keep the victim close by and controllable.

 

When my Evil Ex was threatening to carve me up with a butcher knife if I didn't return to our home after fleeing him, I actually asked him: "What in hell do you think you're really accomplishing with these threats? Do you honestly think I'm going to fall back in love with you because you threatened to hurt me?" He said, "Well, I've got to try something, don't I?" He genuinely didn't see the problem. If it didn't work, he lost nothing; if it did, then well, he got his sex slave and whipping boy back.

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Dad just posted this on my FB wall: http://www.proofthatgodexists.org/index.php

 

 

with the message: would like to know what you think about the proof section of this site.

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my response: "I think that it's condescending and assumes that all those that "suppress the truth that god exists" feel guilty. I do not reject god, i reject the christian god and christianity. I reject the bible. I have never said i don't believe in god."

 

 

I currently consider myself an agnostic atheist, because i can not know with absolute certainty how this universe started, there may have been a god. =shrug=

 

 

i am annoyed.

 

 

EDIT: i just added this: "Its also clever how it lumps moral absolutes in with scientific, mathematical, and logical laws, and then asks if *all four* are unchanging. Moral values have been changing for thousands of years. It lists "child molestation" as a moral absolute, but a few thousand years ago, young girls were married off without their consent to older men, who almost definitely "molested" them by today's definition."

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Yep. This website is subtely changing the topic at a number of points, most notably by lumping moral laws in with maths and science.

 

This is someone who is a bit clever trying to slide illogical arguments and straw men past those whose thinking is simple. Probably would be effective with those who are in their early teens and just starting to think a bit.

 

Given that you are long past the stage of being a simple minded teenager, I can understand why you fell it is condenscending!

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My fathers response:

 

Think about what your saying. Your comparing the actions and determination of cultural groups as the qualification of the moral absolutes. The site gives a clear concise description of moral absolutes in terms which on an individual level which are intrinsically understood. Your arguing that a cultural groups historically married off young children and this "by today's definition." would be defined differently. The questions are not about what some group did culturally at sometime, an if you hold to the argument you are making, that cultural laws on morals are not absolute (because they change over time,) then in one sense you are agreeing with the argument, while at the same time you are using a principle of intrinsic absolute understanding to qualify your defense against a question on absolutes, which you are skirting. if your defend the idea that there is nor absolute definition of moral right and wrong, then you cannot condemn anyone for anything. Think about that. Why is RAPE wrong? If a group moves into power and saying RAPE is legal, does that change the principle that RAPE is wrong?

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I'm feeling very self-destructive and like I want to drive my car into a pole.

 

 

 

I would never kill myself. But I am full of thoughts of it today.

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