"...but When I Grew Up, I Put Away Childish Things"

[NyxPeregrine]

My journey here is probably something like a clone of many of yours. Raised in a Christian home, by parents who were raised in Christian homes, went to Christian colleges and never questioned it. Church nursery ages 0-2 (where I'm told I was bitten several times and almost kicked in the head by a rambunctious older boy...isn't church such a peaceful sanctuary away from the world?) gave way to Sunday school, and by age four I was deemed ready to be up in the adult services (Reformed Baptists start them young).

 

Theology and dogma saturated every sermon; of course, I didn't understand it and would rather have been running around outside, but I tried to be reverent to avoid the disapproving parental glares, and believed whatever wasn’t too confusing. I sang all the songs about being washed in Jesus’ blood, felt guilty for making him die with my six-year-old evilness, and was appropriately grateful for being saved from the fiery tortures of hell.

 

With morning and evening services conducted by ministers and deacons who really didn’t know when to shut up (stretching them to 1.5 hours a shot), I’ve spent roughly 2500 hours sitting in a pew. That’s not even counting travel time (our church was half an hour away) or the weeks we attended prayer meeting. A hundred and fifty thousand minutes I could have spent learning to be a musical genius or something useful!

 

Not that the indoctrination ended at church. A homeschooler K-12, I was taught all my subjects from a Christian perspective (believe me, biology was…fun). All my friends came from church or the Christian homeschool group we joined (you’ve never seen so many jean jumpers). I sensed even at a young age that I was different somehow than everyone I knew; I became a loner and could usually be found in some corner with a book.

 

This is probably what rescued me. While my peers were succumbing to the brainwashing, turning into carbon copies of their fundamentalist parents and each other, I was reading, writing, developing the critical thinking skills that I would later apply to religion.

I can’t pinpoint my deconversion, but it was probably around age 12 or 13. In the beginning I still believed everything—I just didn’t feel any sort of divine presence in my life, and realized I never had. My default reaction was to assume that something was wrong with me…that maybe I hadn’t been predestined. Convinced I was going to hell, I prayed for god to just make me a Christian. I told him my heart was open and the holy spirit could waltz right in anytime.

 

It was only when nothing happened that I began to wonder if there was actually anyone up there. So it was back to the books; I dove headfirst into the study of religion, filled notebooks with biblical criticism, and concluded that religion was a manmade tool of fear and control.

 

Voltaire and Thomas Paine became my mentors through my teen years. I admired their courage, their nonconformity, and their dedication to dispelling superstition. Reason was, and still is, my guiding light.

 

After graduation, my parents gave me a choice: I could either live on-campus at a Christian college, or live at home and commute. They were still unaware of my deconversion, so I suppose they were reluctant to have me mixing with “unbelievers” and being tempted away from the faith. I decided it was more important to get out of the house and start becoming independent. Christian college it was.

 

And what a Christian college. Mandatory Wednesday chapel (I sit in the back with the other hoodlums, headphones on to block out the call-and-response chanting). No vacuuming or laundry on Sundays. Dancing prohibited (unless it’s line dancing or some other kind that nobody wants to do). Core courses include Bible class. The halls are deserted on Sundays as students flock out to church, while I stay in the dorm and watch Christopher Hitchens debate Christians (he was a brilliant man) or read Dawkins or Harris.

 

I felt like a wolf among the sheep…but I didn’t attack anyone’s faith and didn’t proselytize freethought. Having other people’s beliefs forced on me turned me off the idea of doing that to someone else. If people asked me about my views on religion, I’d be honest, but most people just assumed everyone was a Christian and the most heated debates got was over denominational differences in doctrine—infant vs. adult baptism, predestination vs. free will. When these came up I usually just walked away. It wasn’t worth the fight for something I wouldn’t even be able to change.

 

My classes, however, were another story. My professors caught on pretty fast when I started writing papers for Old Testament class about how Yahweh was a megalomaniac tyrant who ordered genocide, or did a project on the topic of how there is a rational basis for morality, or (most telling) wrote the various “self-reflection” papers on my deconversion.

 

They mostly reacted the same way—they were sad, yet accepting, and offered to discuss religion with me anytime. Sometimes I took them up on it, but they had believed the Christian story so strongly for so long that it was clear I wouldn’t change their minds…and after all my studying, I knew that I could never find Christianity intellectually satisfying, so they wouldn’t change mine. I still think it was valuable to have those encounters, if only for the sake of helping both sides understand each other more, and I discovered that I could truly respect my professors even if it didn’t mean agreeing with them.

 

I dropped the bombshell on my parents over the Christmas break of my freshman year. Understandably, they were shocked and there were tears, but I was able to present my reasoning calmly and non-confrontationally, and they admitted that they had no answers for my questions. For them it just came down to faith and the work of the holy spirit. They probably pray for me every day.

 

Currently I am eighteen, in my second (and last) semester at this school. Next fall I’ll be transferring to a non-religiously-affiliated college. Seeing as I’ve never been around non-Christians for very long (besides the one or two people I’ve found here), I’m expecting a culture shock. And I’m looking forward to it.

[Positivist]

Welcome, NP! Good for you for listening to your skeptical mind. I ignored both that and common sense and have paid dearly, not deconverting until in my 30s. You are going to love a real college! It's great being able to have friends you actually like, instead of relegating yourself to people who share the same wacky belief system with you (or not). Enjoy life! Blossom and flourish!

[LivingLife]

Welcome NP, 18 is a good age to come to your senses but I guess that happened earlier judging by your OP.

 

I really hope that you can sustain a relationship with your folks in spite of your difference in beliefs. That is one bell that usually cannot be unrung and why the church folk discourage reading other materials that might make you stray from the truth™

 

Hope it all works out. Lots to learn.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Hello NP, I second LL and Positivist in welcoming you. I am excited for what you have ahead of you! It's good that you and your parents seem to get along well under your new "status" and that you're going to a new college!

 

Reformed Baptist - OMG. Did you come across Al Martin? I used to listen to his tapes in the car.

[MrsRoper]

Welcome! What a great extimony. You are so lucky you came to this realization at a young age, and got honest with your parents before you finished college. You are going to do great at a secular school, I am excited for you.

[NyxPeregrine]

Thanks for the welcome everyone!

 

Reformed Baptist - OMG. Did you come across Al Martin? I used to listen to his tapes in the car.

 

Oh god, yes. One of my old pastors was crazy about him. His sermons would consist either of extolling the wonders of Al Martin or rambling about the Greek translations of passages (which always translated in my mind to "I know Greek...look how smart I am!" Did you used to be RB? They're few and far between, I've found--my church had maybe 25 members at its largest.

[Positivist]

Did you used to be RB? They're few and far between, I've found--my church had maybe 25 members at its largest.

 

I guess they would interpret this as they are "the remnant" of God's True Faithful.

[Llwellyn]

Well done! You are much better than most of us, who took much longer to reject the obscene Christian mental fetters. I left at age 25, having been a Christian twice as long as you. I can't believe that parents think they can dictate the lives of their children after age 18. Go to a real place of education as soon as possible!

[Tealeaf]

Welcome and good work Nyx.

 

I actually just commented on your story in the newsfeed thing and I used the same word you did here: childish.

 

Indeed how childish it all is with the Christian faith; or any superstitious load. I wish there would be a law against using the word "education" and putting Christian/Muslim/whatever infront of it. Or being able to call a university 'religious.' That violates the whole spirit and definition of an all-encompassing look at things.

 

Christianity is inherently childish to the core. It proudly boasts ignorance and complete disinterest in grasping the complexity reality. It prides blind faith and just making up whatever you want and attributing it to the same thing. Compare how they try to get you to believe in Santa and how they try to get you to believe in god(s). No difference in cognition at all. Only people are allowed to learn Santa isn't real, and there aren't "adults" going around actually believing in him (well, some probably do).

 

I wonder if it ever get's boring for the Christian to ruminate on his/her unchanging faith hoping for......death, so they can collect their $200.

[TortillaLips]

NP, good for you!! It takes a lot of courage, and clear thinking to do what you did. It didn't happen for me until my mid 40's. Thanks for posting your eximony, as I find strength in it.

[jblueep]

Welcome Nyx. I'm a little jealous that you figured it out so young, but on the bright side, my 15 and 17 year old kids are atheists now

 

Stick around and make some friends!

[freeasabird]

I could not agree more about Christianity being intellectually unsatisfying. Welcome aboard!

[NyxPeregrine]

I actually just commented on your story in the newsfeed thing and I used the same word you did here: childish.

 

Oh wow, didn't realize it made it onto the front page...I've been lurking reading those stories for a few months; I hope mine encourages someone in return!

[Akheia]

Welcome! It was so brave to come out like that, and I'm so happy your folks were relatively cool with it. You're going to love secular college.

[sarahinprogress]

I just read your story on the main blog adn then happened upon it again here.

Your story has really inspired me, i just wanted you to know. =)

[JoeCoastie]

Currently I am eighteen, in my second (and last) semester at this school. Next fall I’ll be transferring to a non-religiously-affiliated college. Seeing as I’ve never been around non-Christians for very long (besides the one or two people I’ve found here), I’m expecting a culture shock. And I’m looking forward to it.

It'll probably feel like this.

 

Just imagine not having to hear Contemporary Christian Music anymore.

[Guest wester]

It pisses me off to absolutely no end that parents still unleash this kind of drama on their own children. As if the group ideology was infinitely more important than the mental, emotional or physical well-being of their own flesh and blood.

In my opinion it is a form of abuse. I suffered it. It is rather like they are forcing you to be the grown-up in this situation. Not fair at all. Keep your cool and stay strong.

[Thackerie]

Wow! 18 and about to start attending a real college for the first time. I envy you.

 

College is where I fully deconverted. I was 19. I would have done it when I was 18 but I didn't take that course on the "History of the Bible" (taught by a former Episcopalian priest turned ex-christian) until second semester.

 

Anyway, I'm very excited for you. I hope to see more of you here.

[NyxPeregrine]

Just imagine not having to hear Contemporary Christian Music anymore.

 

That's all my roommate listens to...fortunately I own the stereo and she doesn't mind my Finnish symphonic metal, so she's usually kind enough to play it when I'm not around! But this weekend I had to go shoot a CCM concert for work...never seen so many people getting high on Jesus, haha.

 

It pisses me off to absolutely no end that parents still unleash this kind of drama on their own children. As if the group ideology was infinitely more important than the mental, emotional or physical well-being of their own flesh and blood.

In my opinion it is a form of abuse. I suffered it. It is rather like they are forcing you to be the grown-up in this situation. Not fair at all. Keep your cool and stay strong.

 

Honestly, I don't blame them at all. They were just doing what seemed right to them--not to mention they're also products of indoctrination, and now they've lived with it for so long that it's internalized very deeply. Everyone has things that they deeply believe are right, and everyone wants to pass those things down to their children. So regarding "brainwashing"...I was bitter at first but I'm not anymore.

 

Wow! 18 and about to start attending a real college for the first time. I envy you.

 

College is where I fully deconverted. I was 19. I would have done it when I was 18 but I didn't take that course on the "History of the Bible" (taught by a former Episcopalian priest turned ex-christian) until second semester.

 

Anyway, I'm very excited for you. I hope to see more of you here.

 

Thank you! I actually love this school too--the professors are amazing despite their religiousness--but it's pretty clear I don't belong. Thanks for the well wishes!

[Legion]

And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. - Mathew 18:3

 

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. - 1 Corinthians 13:11