starcrossed Posted April 8, 2012 Share Posted April 8, 2012 I am a recent ex-c atheist and have not yet told my wife for fear of fallout. We have three kids 3 years and younger. Every night my oldest wants us to sing her songs from bible class. It's been killing me, but sometimes it's the only way to get her to sleep. It has opened a floodgate of worry for me. How do I train my kids to think for themselves and question the world around them? I want to raise truth-seekers, not sheep. Are there any good resources for a closet-atheist dad? Also, this feels great to tell someone, anyone, about. (typed from my phone during a grueling Easter Sunday.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted April 8, 2012 Moderator Share Posted April 8, 2012 I am a recent ex-c atheist and have not yet told my wife for fear of fallout. We have three kids 3 years and younger. Every night my oldest wants us to sing her songs from bible class. It's been killing me, but sometimes it's the only way to get her to sleep. It has opened a floodgate of worry for me. How do I train my kids to think for themselves and question the world around them? I want to raise truth-seekers, not sheep. Are there any good resources for a closet-atheist dad? Also, this feels great to tell someone, anyone, about. (typed from my phone during a grueling Easter Sunday.) Welcome to EX-c starcrossed on easter sunday!! The only website that worships chocolate bunnies on this day!! I am so glad you found us!! When you get some time, get on EX-c and read the hundreds of posts of men in your situation. Some of them are on 'board' right now. They can help you in your struggle!! Try not to worry... You will get lots of good advise here at EX-c!! Now, get to the drugstore and buy a chocolate bunny to eat... and get back here and post with us!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eugene39 Posted April 8, 2012 Share Posted April 8, 2012 Hi, Starcrossed. This year - no church for me and instead went and visited an atheist friend while his wife was in church. I truly hope that next year, maybe you can do something like that, cuz it's fabulous! Anyway, on to the questions about kids. Here's a book that I really enjoyed. http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Freethinkers-Practical-Parenting-Beyond/dp/0814410960/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1333906722&sr=1-2 Welcome to Ex-C. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starcrossed Posted April 8, 2012 Author Share Posted April 8, 2012 Thanks guys. Posting here is cathartic. And thank you to the guys in the chat room a few nights ago. This site has been immensely encouraging as of late. Glad I'm getting my feet wet with a real forum post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starcrossed Posted April 8, 2012 Author Share Posted April 8, 2012 Gonna pick up that book the next time I do an Amazon grab. Thanks for pointing it out, Eugene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted April 8, 2012 Share Posted April 8, 2012 I am a recent ex-c atheist and have not yet told my wife for fear of fallout. I know exactly where you're coming from when it comes to that. I'm one of the ones here that Margee was referring to as having a situation like yours. My extimony goes into a lot more detail. There are several more here in similar situations, but I'll let them introduce themselves (or you can read their extimonies) instead of calling them out here. We have three kids 3 years and younger. Every night my oldest wants us to sing her songs from bible class. It's been killing me, but sometimes it's the only way to get her to sleep. It has opened a floodgate of worry for me. How do I train my kids to think for themselves and question the world around them? I want to raise truth-seekers, not sheep. Are there any good resources for a closet-atheist dad? I have two kids under five years old, and I have similar concerns, but no real answers at the moment. I'll have to wait until I've come out to my wife before I can really think about what, and how, I'll tell my kids when they have questions. I can tell you that when they ask me about dinosaurs, there will be no mention of Noah's ark or Genesis, full stop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeasabird Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 There's been a lot of favorable 'coming out' stories of ex-c'ers to their spouses. I would consider it, especially if you have a good relationship with him/her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darwinfish Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Welcome to ExC! You have a very interesting issue. You want you're kids to be skeptical, but aren't ready to come out to your wife as a non believer. I have two kids, one boy, 5, and one girl, 2. I have been an atheist for two years and stayed in the closest until this last Jan. Some of the best things I could do was put on documentaries about space and the planets, which my son loved to watch with me. I also play a lot of Star Trek:Next Gen. in the house, and my son seems to like that as well, although he could sit through an episode. Sci fi is a great way to present skeptical ideas. Mythbusters is great for closet atheists, as well. My son loved to watch Busytown Mysteries, I loved the problem solving in that show. Until you can come to your wife, you will be limited in what you can present to your kids. Good luck. there's a lot of us that have been/are in your position. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starcrossed Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 I know exactly where you're coming from when it comes to that. I'm one of the ones here that Margee was referring to as having a situation like yours. My extimony goes into a lot more detail. There are several more here in similar situations, but I'll let them introduce themselves (or you can read their extimonies) instead of calling them out here. I have two kids under five years old, and I have similar concerns, but no real answers at the moment. I'll have to wait until I've come out to my wife before I can really think about what, and how, I'll tell my kids when they have questions. I can tell you that when they ask me about dinosaurs, there will be no mention of Noah's ark or Genesis, full stop. Thank you for the reply, Trapped. I actually read your extimony yesterday and thought about contacting you. I think you're probably in a little deeper than I am. I'm at the point where I despise Sunday mornings. My wife is pretty involved with the church, but not as head-over-heals as much as your situation. The hardest part for me is faking it when asked to lead prayers/devotional thoughts/etc. My kids are the one thing that keeps me in the closet. Not coming home to them would crush my heart so deeply, I am sad just thinking about it. Do you get in the chatroom much? It's bee a good release for me recently, and it'd love chat with people like yourself, who are trapped and looking for a way out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starcrossed Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 There's been a lot of favorable 'coming out' stories of ex-c'ers to their spouses. I would consider it, especially if you have a good relationship with him/her. This gives me a lot of hope. I'll have to do some forum searching and see if there are certain approaches that tend to work best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starcrossed Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 Welcome to ExC! You have a very interesting issue. You want you're kids to be skeptical, but aren't ready to come out to your wife as a non believer. I have two kids, one boy, 5, and one girl, 2. I have been an atheist for two years and stayed in the closest until this last Jan. Some of the best things I could do was put on documentaries about space and the planets, which my son loved to watch with me. I also play a lot of Star Trek:Next Gen. in the house, and my son seems to like that as well, although he could sit through an episode. Sci fi is a great way to present skeptical ideas. Mythbusters is great for closet atheists, as well. My son loved to watch Busytown Mysteries, I loved the problem solving in that show. Until you can come to your wife, you will be limited in what you can present to your kids. Good luck. there's a lot of us that have been/are in your position. Great suggestions. I love that kind of programming already. I hope that my own interests will rub off on them. Did you happen to catch the speech that Adam Savage gave at the reason ralley a few weeks ago? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 I know exactly where you're coming from when it comes to that. I'm one of the ones here that Margee was referring to as having a situation like yours. My extimony goes into a lot more detail. There are several more here in similar situations, but I'll let them introduce themselves (or you can read their extimonies) instead of calling them out here. I have two kids under five years old, and I have similar concerns, but no real answers at the moment. I'll have to wait until I've come out to my wife before I can really think about what, and how, I'll tell my kids when they have questions. I can tell you that when they ask me about dinosaurs, there will be no mention of Noah's ark or Genesis, full stop. Thank you for the reply, Trapped. I actually read your extimony yesterday and thought about contacting you. I think you're probably in a little deeper than I am. I'm at the point where I despise Sunday mornings. My wife is pretty involved with the church, but not as head-over-heals as much as your situation. The hardest part for me is faking it when asked to lead prayers/devotional thoughts/etc. My kids are the one thing that keeps me in the closet. Not coming home to them would crush my heart so deeply, I am sad just thinking about it. Do you get in the chatroom much? It's bee a good release for me recently, and it'd love chat with people like yourself, who are trapped and looking for a way out. I've never spent time in the chatroom here. If I see you're in there (after the kids are in bed is when I usually have time for stuff like that), I'll jump in. I also have no problem discussing anything you may want to talk about through the messaging system here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadrunner Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Welcome to the club. I'l like to know how many of "us" there are. Not just on here but out in the congregation afraid to question anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Welcome to the club. I'l like to know how many of "us" there are. Not just on here but out in the congregation afraid to question anything. I've seen at least a few, even in my small church, that I've suspected are in the same situation as we are. They haven't all attended during the same time frame, but I have sometimes gotten vibes from people that led me to believe they have doubts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spherr Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Hi starcrossed. I can relate to your situation, although its slightly different. I'm 24, and still attend the church I grew up in. Like you, I've grown to despise Sunday mornings every week. I have to be in the closet at church for two things: being gay and ex-christian. It gets my anxiety up and I spend most of the time avoiding talking to some people. The second I drive away from that church it feels like a huge weight is lifted off of me. If you ever need to vent, feel free to message me. I could use someone to talk to as well, so it could be beneficial for both of us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
darwinfish Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Great suggestions. I love that kind of programming already. I hope that my own interests will rub off on them. Did you happen to catch the speech that Adam Savage gave at the reason ralley a few weeks ago? I didn't hear what he said at this rally, I'll look for it online, but I did hear an audio clip of him at a TAM event, and I really like his perspective. About a week before I came out to my wife as an atheist, my wife and I attended a Mythbuster's Live event. I really love those guys. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3DollarBill Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Man I feel for you guys. I don't have kids yet...we haven't actually decided whether or not to have any. But that will be the breaking point with the extended family (none of whom seem to have figured it out yet despite the fact I haven't gone to church in 6 years and *gasp* live with my girlfriend.) I don't know how they'll react. I don't know if my dad is a closet atheist too. I don't know how I'll ever work up the courage to tell them. But I know one thing: I WILL sever ties with the whole lot if that is what it takes to save any child of mine from being brainwashed into their bullshit. I don't think it will come to that. At least I hope not. Expose the kids to as much science and sci-fi as possible. Another thing you could do is to teach them about other religions...this actually helped me a lot as I realized that the adherents of all those "false religions" are just as convinced they have The Truth as your average fundie. Eventually it clicked- they can't all be right...but they can all be wrong. Stay strong guys. I'd pray for ya if it did any good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starcrossed Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 Another thing you could do is to teach them about other religions...this actually helped me a lot as I realized that the adherents of all those "false religions" are just as convinced they have The Truth as your average fundie. Eventually it clicked- they can't all be right...but they can all be wrong. I went to a baptist college. I took a class on Islam, and I started realizing the same things. Nothing seemed all that different. In fact, if I was born in another country, I might be de-converting from Islam, or de-converting from Judaism, etc. etc. One day I realized that all I had left of my religion was a wish that it were true. Wishing never did me any good. Now I'm wishing I'd trusted my own doubt and followed my head more when I was young. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3DollarBill Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 I went to a baptist college. I took a class on Islam, and I started realizing the same things. Nothing seemed all that different. In fact, if I was born in another country, I might be de-converting from Islam, or de-converting from Judaism, etc. etc. One day I realized that all I had left of my religion was a wish that it were true. Wishing never did me any good. Now I'm wishing I'd trusted my own doubt and followed my head more when I was young. I'm former Baptist myself. SBC specifically. For years I convinced myself that people of all different faiths were just "climbing different sides of the same mountain" so to speak. Eventually I realized that, actually, if taken seriously, then Mulsim, Mormon, Catholic, and a whole lot of other doctrine says I'm going to hell. And my doctrine says all of them are going to hell. They think they're safe but really they've been deceived by the devil. Ultimately, your ultimate fate of either infinite bliss or everlasting torment depends on whether or not you got the right interpretation of convoluted and contradictory ancient texts which I can't even read in their original languages. And then I realized...that that is pretty fucking stupid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts