I Told My Wife

[ToonForever]

Thinking about you today, Electech - I was on your wife's side of the fence some 8 years ago or so. My wife told me straight up she didn't believe it anymore, though I think I felt it coming on. She asked weird questions during bible study, and she was fascinated by one of her religion classes she'd had at university.

 

At the time she dropped that bomb on me, I was the worship leader at our little church, and I'd been approached about perhaps joining the board of elders. I had an aversion to that to begin with, but now I'm looking at this perfect little church family life I thought we were building and saw all of our goodness and unity going out the window. Everything we'd build our lives and marriage on (I thought) everything we were teaching our children. It was very difficult. I didn't cry, I guess, but I didn't take it well either. We had a lot of arguments and heated discussions.

 

At some point though, we both realized we loved each other and wanted to be married no matter what. We loved this life we had built together. We loved being together. She was willing to give me space to pursue what I believed. As a decent Christian fella I took solace in Hosea. If he was supposed to love his wife though she was a harlot, how much easier should it be to just love my wife for who she was while she went through this "desert experience," as I saw it then - after all, she is certainly no harlot So we found a way to stumble through our religious coexistence and still love each other.

 

But I had to learn to respect her viewpoint and her right to believe as she would. Our kids started getting a double message. She insisted they not be required to go to church, that they could stay home with her or go with me as they pleased. We had some conflict about this, but she stood her ground and I assented. I was just telling her the other day how much I appreciate this in hindsight.

 

We had so many discussions. Somewhere early on we learned to make the discussion about the topic at hand and not about each other. I can't stress that enough. Still I often accused her of only accepting evidence that supported her viewpoint and ignoring that which supported mine. She tried to get through to me and explain the difference between her evidence and mine. Usually it was a constant stalemate. Sometimes she would get me twisted into knots which is usually where I would make said accusation. Only one time can I remember getting the upper hand in a conversation where she held up an example of a book she was reading about Paul - I was actually able to show her how the author ignored context and audience and completely misinterpreted verses to shore up a pretty stretched point she was trying to make. That was once in, what, 7 years? My wife knew her stuff and didn't back down.

 

Some of the things she said resonated with me, but I ignored them, feeling like I had to hold the faith together for the whole family.

 

Cut to last year and I underwent my own deconversion. I've told the story a hundred times around here, so won't belabor it, but I can't tell you how much more in sync we are, and how grateful we both are that we stuck it out and didn't let religion by the be all and end all of our relationship.

 

I would encourage you to love her the best you can. Give her space to be a Christian, but insist on your space too. Learn to discuss and argue safely. Learn to agree to disagree. She's started looking at this site - I think that's fantastic. If nothing else, she's trying to understand you. Hopefully you guys will find a way to keep walking hand-in-hand.

 

Please keep us updated.

[florduh]

...not for bringing truth into the equation.

 

To be beligerant, rude, caustic, and intolerant...

 

Maybe you were reading another post. I said nothing about debating, being 'right', being rude or unkind. I didn't say we should try to win any theological debates with family. Believers usually have no respect for a differing opinion, and I think we should at least respect ourselves and expect equal treatment. Too many non believers accept the role of underdog and fear bringing their true thoughts to light. That's just wrong. To construe standing up for oneself and wanting equal treatment and consideration as a partner and human being as 'rude' or 'caustic' or 'intolerant' is symptomatic of the pedestal upon which we place Christian beliefs. Jesus, having your own beliefs respected is not intolerant. The Christians are the intolerant ones; we expect it and we accept it. Sorry, my beliefs, opinions and conclusions are as valid as those of any Christian wife, parent, or grandma. I can't picture a scenario where the husband in a non believing couple suddenly decides to go to church and the wife says, "Oh hell no! I'm not having any of this! You're breaking my heart! You're ruining our relationship!"

[darwinfish]

I'm hoping for the best for you, electech. I told my wife in Jan. It took a couple days for her to really sit down and talk with me. She acted like I had told her I was cheating with another women. She went through my email and found some communications with Recovering from Religion. I didn't know how I was going to bring up that I wanted to meet with local atheists. But, she's now somewhat accepted that we have two different belief systems. And, has also accepted me meeting with the Recovering from Religion group. She says now that she's not angry with me, but sad that I won't be with her in Heaven.

 

Do you have any kids? What compromises are you going to make? I've agreed to continue going to church and allow my kids to be in a Christian school, I felt like taking that from her would be equivalent to me breaking my word. But, I get to be open about my atheism in front of the kids, and I think that's a greater victory.

 

Just know that we're all here routing for you. Hang in there, you did the right thing.

[electech98]

I finally had a chance to take a look at the replies, and I'm very overwhelmed by the encouragement and support. So, thank you all.

 

It was hard to leave this morning for work. I felt like I just needed to BE there for her, you know? To show her that, while I don't believe anymore, I'm still THERE for her.

 

I know what she is going through, and with her mindset this is the end of an entire life-experience for her. She brought up through her tears that she feels lost, that she wouldn't have me lead her spiritually anymore as her "head", that I wouldn't teach her and the kids Biblical and spiritual things, and so on. I just told her that we will continue to talk more about those sorts of things, get everything sorted out. I am being very gentle with her, because I've basically introduced a reality that she never thought possible - being married to an unbeliever. This is the sort of stuff that has a real and lasting psychological impact on people.

 

She is just so sad right now. I HATE it that religion does that to anyone, least of all the one I am married to.

 

ToonForever, I really appreciate you sharing that. I will reread your post multiple times.

[scriptor]

That's really rough. Good luck to you, hope it works out for the best.

[Muse77]

My heart goes out to you Electech, that's a hard place to be in. But they say love conquers all. Hoping for the best!

[buffettphan]

I can't picture a scenario where the husband in a non believing couple suddenly decides to go to church and the wife says, "Oh hell no! I'm not having any of this! You're breaking my heart! You're ruining our relationship!"

 

I can vouch for this because it happened to me. My unequally-yoked marriage is a bit different from most here.

 

A dozen years and two kids into our "godless" marriage, DH was thoroughly brainwashed by some extreme fundy-xtians at work. Silly me, I chalked it up to just another one of his phases -- like jogging. Twenty-some years later, he's still a xtian (but not quite as nukkin futs about jeeeeeezus as he used to be) and we're still together. I'm not saying it was always easy -- especially early on in his zealousness. I also had to put my foot down on a few issues such as not scaring the kids with hell and absolutely no preaching/trying to convert me or the kids. I even suggested a divorce so that he wouldn't be unequally yoked with me and could have a chance to find himself a good christian woman. He didn't want that. Neither of us wanted a divorce (he still says I'm the most kind, caring, loving, smart, mellow yet sassy, hot woman he knows and wouldn't want anyone else). Neither of us wanted to be single parents or to have our children raised without both of us around full-time. I guess we both knew that in the grand scheme of things, we both loved each other and our life together. AND we both are just stubborn enough that neither of us wanted our marriage to become a victim of religion (or my lack thereof).

 

If I had my choice, of course I would rather he had not been brainwashed (and I'm sure he'd love it if I gave up my ex-christian status). But shit happens and you deal with it, one way or another. Like Toon said, I give him his space to be a christian. But I have my own space too. After all these years, we really don't discuss religion too much anymore because we both know where we stand (and we're both SURE we're right!). We have learned to agree to disagree.

 

I hope things work out for you Electech. There can be life after deconversion -- if you both want it. Obviously you do and I bet your wife does also. Right now she is probably somewhat in shock and nursing her wounds. Hopefully she will realize that you are still the same "unbelieving" man she loved just a few days ago. She just knows about your "unbelief" now.

 

Peace.

[sarahinprogress]

She brought up through her tears that she feels lost, that she wouldn't have me lead her spiritually anymore as her "head", that I wouldn't teach her and the kids Biblical and spiritual things, and so on

 

She is just so sad right now. I HATE it that religion does that to anyone, least of all the one I am married to.

 

This is another thing that truly irks me. That this religion makes a woman, a mother, a wife...into a servant. Even if the husband doesnt treat her as such, we are taught that we must be subservient, not to speak up in church, to pose our questions to our husbands/fathers. That she feels so lost - .... i mean, she must have her own thoughts, her own *road.*....

 

This religion takes AWAY the power of asking "why" by making "why" a sin.

[ConureDelSol]

I guess I should try that tactic. I need to be angry/disappointed/upset/depressed/threatening/crazy whenever someone states an opinion that differs from my own. It seems to keep them on the defensive, as if they did something wrong.

 

Good luck handling her overreaction.

 

There's that Dr. House voice in my head when I'm reading your posts again.

 

Best wishes electech. I hope you two can overcome this!

[Positivist]

She brought up through her tears that she feels lost, that she wouldn't have me lead her spiritually anymore as her "head", that I wouldn't teach her and the kids Biblical and spiritual things, and so on.

 

....I've basically introduced a reality that she never thought possible - being married to an unbeliever.

Oh, Electech! I really feel for what you and your wife are going through. When I was a fundy I'd have been aghast at my husband departing from the faith. Even just thinking about such a thing seemed catastrophic. What just amazes me is that it is not the truth or reality your wife is struggling with--it's expectation and false belief. She thinks you're a different person because you no longer have faith. She thinks she will be wandering aimlessly in the spiritual desert now that you can't play the role she expects. Christianity is so cruel this way. You are the same beautiful person with the same talents, abilities and love. I really hope she realizes this.

 

Hugs to you!

[ilovemybrain]

I'm sorry you are hurting. I've been there too. I deconverted 2 years ago, and it was very hard for my husband and family. But at least they all have a chance to know the real me, and I don't have to spend my life pretending I'm someone I'm not. It hurts, but it's better than hiding. It will get better.

[ilovemybrain]

I think you have the right idea though, not blaming yourself for the hurt your wife is experiencing. Of course I felt sad that my husband and parents were heartbroken, but I always know that is nothing I can change - that is their belief system that tells them their happiness depends on others believing the same. It's their problem, not ours. It is sad, and we can have compassion for the hurt they go through because of their religion, but we can't take responsibility for it. Keep us posted.

[★ Citsonga ★]

I know what she is going through, and with her mindset this is the end of an entire life-experience for her. She brought up through her tears that she feels lost, that she wouldn't have me lead her spiritually anymore as her "head", that I wouldn't teach her and the kids Biblical and spiritual things, and so on.

 

Not to detract from the emotions she is going through, but the irony here is that if she really had the Holy Spirit living insider her and guiding her, then she wouldn't need a mere human's guidance. The Bible's approach to the subject of spirituality between husbands and wives, placing the man as the head over the woman, is not only sexist, but it also conflicts with the claim in Hebrews that we no longer need intermediaries because we have a direct line to God through Jesus. Why then do wives need their husbands as intermediaries?

 

I just told her that we will continue to talk more about those sorts of things, get everything sorted out. I am being very gentle with her, because I've basically introduced a reality that she never thought possible - being married to an unbeliever. This is the sort of stuff that has a real and lasting psychological impact on people.

 

That is a great approach. My wife and I have worked things out, and I hope that you two can as well.

 

What about the in-laws, though? Is there an issue there? (Pardon me if you'd already address this; I may have missed a few comments in the thread.)

[Akheia]

I'm trying to remember where I read some mega-pastor saying that wives don't need to worry about sin as long as they're doing their husbands' bidding because the husband, as the spiritual head, assumes all sin. A pity that only appears to work when the husband is Christian too.

 

I'm glad things are working out, Electech. It sounds like she's more upset about losing the concept of a Christian husband--the concept of a "happy Christian family"--than she is about the actual person behind that deconversion. And I think that's a good sign.

 

I admit I don't even know what would happen if my husband got brainwashed into any of the Abrahamic faiths. Buffetphan, I really admire that you pulled through that.

[TrueFreedom]

Hang in there, Electech. I was in the same boat a few years ago. It was difficult for a while, but my marriage survived and eventually thrived.

 

I continued to tithe and attend church for at least a year after losing my faith. I tried to bring up some of the things that I had been learning gradually, but she didn’t want to consider the possibility that Christian teachings about God were fundamentally flawed. It took her calling me on not being serious during prayers before dinner for me to finally break the bad news to her.

 

Initially she was devastated, but she eventually came to see things my way.

 

Watching a documentary on the Galapagos islands and Darwin’s voyage on the Beagle helped my wife to understand evolution. Listening to the Jesus, Interrupted audio book helped her to look at the teachings of scripture objectively.

 

Most people are probably not as open to following the facts wherever they lead, but I hope that your relationship survives the crisis.

[FeelHappy]

I had a discussion with my girlfriend whom I'm almost certainly going to marry, basically as long as the kids don't end up going to a wacko denomination (wacko being so far Pentecostal especially WoF, Seven Day Adventist, Mormon, Jehovah Witness, ect), I'll let them go to church or even a church school. I don't have a problem with this, when they get older they can make up their own mind, I won't even overly influence them before then.

 

I don't think Christianity can hold up to close scrutiny, but before that I did think that my christian upbringing was mostly beneficial and I don't hate it.

[electech98]

I know what she is going through, and with her mindset this is the end of an entire life-experience for her. She brought up through her tears that she feels lost, that she wouldn't have me lead her spiritually anymore as her "head", that I wouldn't teach her and the kids Biblical and spiritual things, and so on.

 

Not to detract from the emotions she is going through, but the irony here is that if she really had the Holy Spirit living insider her and guiding her, then she wouldn't need a mere human's guidance. The Bible's approach to the subject of spirituality between husbands and wives, placing the man as the head over the woman, is not only sexist, but it also conflicts with the claim in Hebrews that we no longer need intermediaries because we have a direct line to God through Jesus. Why then do wives need their husbands as intermediaries?

 

I just told her that we will continue to talk more about those sorts of things, get everything sorted out. I am being very gentle with her, because I've basically introduced a reality that she never thought possible - being married to an unbeliever. This is the sort of stuff that has a real and lasting psychological impact on people.

 

That is a great approach. My wife and I have worked things out, and I hope that you two can as well.

 

What about the in-laws, though? Is there an issue there? (Pardon me if you'd already address this; I may have missed a few comments in the thread.)

 

My wife and I are still keeping this on the down-low for the moment, until it seems we are able to address it more calmly with others. My in-laws will probably be informed at some point soon, but that is going to be a very rough road. Her parents are super-committed Reformed Christians, where there is absolutely no question whatsoever about the Bible being infallible, inerrant, and inspired by God Himself. Her dad is a pastor in our denomination, and he actually used to pastor our very own church until they moved away to Colorado and then Wyoming. He is the one that married us and baptized at least two of our children.

 

I won't be out of the woods for a while on all this. But my resolve is strengthening day by day.

[electech98]

We went to the movies last night (saw The Hunger Games), so it was good to get out of the house, eat dinner, and watch the movie without having to bring up the so-called elephant in the room. But you could tell there is some awkwardness there, especially during the pauses in our chit-chat.

 

Then, we got home. I checked Facebook and saw I had a message from my atheist cousin (we had been messaging back and forth since I made the transition to atheism). My wife was on the couch, but noticed I was looking at a long message on Facebook. She asked what it was, and I told her it was a message from my cousin. Not 2 minutes after that she went back into our room and didn't come out for a long while. I had assumed she was using the restroom, but after a while I went back there to check and I saw she was sitting on the floor of our room folding laundry (she never folds laundry in our room...it's always out in the living room), and crying.

 

Thus started another conversation in which she expressed how hurt she was that I would talk to other people, like my cousin, about my atheism and not tell her until now. She put 2 and 2 together, because she had noticed I messaged him a while back but she didn't think anything of it at the time.

 

She couldn't understand why I couldn't talk to her from the beginning of my doubts. I tried to explain to her the process I went through to get my thoughts together and look for the best timing. Since I decided sometime in December 2011 that I didn't believe anymore, she was hurt that I didn't tell her then. But again, I tried to explain to her that her parents visiting in December, and her sister living with us has made it very hard to get the timing right of feeling free to talk to her. Her sister is out of town for the week, so that is why I finally decided to talk to my wife.

 

Regardless, she is still very very hurt. She said she wants to understand where I'm coming from, and is possibly willing to view or read some of the sources I mentioned, but she wanted me to know that it will NEVER change her.

 

I told her, "OK. That's what I used to think too." I don't know if that was insensitive, but I need her to know eventually that at some point, a proper examination of one's faith is something we all really should go through, and that a search for truth should lead to that which IS true...whether that be God or "not God".

 

We continue to sleep in the same bed, kiss each other goodnight and goodbye when I leave for work, and tell each other "I love you".

 

On it goes. Thank you all for your messages and support. It really does my heart good to read everything on here.

[REBOOT]

Best of luck with your efforts.

 

That your wife took it so hard demonstrates the level of indoctrination and extreme limitations imposed by whatever variation of the christian belief system you were chained to... which sounds more like a sect.

 

Where I live religions are pretty much frowned upon, trigger suspicion, raise all kinds of imagery of pedophilia and abuses (Catholics).

http://www.vaticanhidespedophiles.com/default.html

 

Good thing Sanctum Sanctorum Santorum decided to pass.

[freeasabird]

To be fair, she has a right to be upset in that respect. You could have been more open with her from the beginning. You choose to keep it all to yourself which while maybe having pure intentions was not the best decision. I would focus on the fact that you did openly tell her once you were sure of how you felt and that you did want to be honest with her. In other words, you told her before she just found out on her own and there is something to be said about that. Now it will just take time for the healing to begin for having hid it from her for some time.

 

As my testimony is proof of, I am a big fan of honesty up front and through the whole process but then my wife and I have the closeness and candidness few others have. But the next best thing is coming out as soon as you feel comfortable.

[Thought2Much]

To be fair, she has a right to be upset in that respect. You could have been more open with her from the beginning. You choose to keep it all to yourself which while maybe having pure intentions was not the best decision. I would focus on the fact that you did openly tell her once you were sure of how you felt and that you did want to be honest with her. In other words, you told her before she just found out on her own and there is something to be said about that. Now it will just take time for the healing to begin for having hid it from her for some time.

 

As my testimony is proof of, I am a big fan of honesty up front and through the whole process but then my wife and I have the closeness and candidness few others have. But the next best thing is coming out as soon as you feel comfortable.

 

Well, speaking for myself (and I suspect that electech is in a similar circumstance), I might have been more honest up-front if I felt that any kind of questioning of the faith was permitted in my relationship.

 

It's not. Any deviation from the doctrine as delivered by the pastor is strictly forbidden. After being treated like a leper for suggesting that Christianity might be wrong about something,* you tend to just keep it all to yourself, until you wind up deconverting without realizing what's going on until after it's happened.

 

And then what do you do? Just blurt out over dinner one day that you don't believe anymore (which I'll end up doing anyway, probably)?

 

Yes, the relationship isn't healthy if one person finds themselves unable to tell the truth to the other person. I know that. But sometimes, that's just how it happens.

 

 

 

*Read in my extimony about how my wife reacted to my thoughts about whether my son should go to a school that teaches evolution instead of creationism for a really good example. Once you get burned like that a couple of times, you learn to just shut the hell up about anything that disagrees with the cult.

[electech98]

To be fair, she has a right to be upset in that respect. You could have been more open with her from the beginning. You choose to keep it all to yourself which while maybe having pure intentions was not the best decision. I would focus on the fact that you did openly tell her once you were sure of how you felt and that you did want to be honest with her. In other words, you told her before she just found out on her own and there is something to be said about that. Now it will just take time for the healing to begin for having hid it from her for some time.

 

As my testimony is proof of, I am a big fan of honesty up front and through the whole process but then my wife and I have the closeness and candidness few others have. But the next best thing is coming out as soon as you feel comfortable.

Yes and no. There are a lot of various reasons why I wanted to wait until I did before revealing anything to her (some of which I explained in the letter I wrote that I posted on this board for review), but some of those reasons I have not mentioned previously. Actually, I did mention them before in one of my first posts on this forum, my first thread of my "extimony".

 

For example: during the beginning of this time, around the end of last year / beginning of this year, we had one of our friends over for dinner and he and I got to talking about various things I've been reading. I didn't go into too much detail, but we got into the subject of additions being made to books of the bible after the originals had been written (such as the ending of Mark, etc.). We were actually having a good conversation, but my wife interjected strongly that this is GOD'S WORD we are talking about here and we just shouldn't question its veracity! The conversation got shut down quickly because I wasn't about to "out" myself in front of her and our mutual friend.

 

Other times, she has shown true disgust at science shows that I have watched on Netflix, shows that talk about the age of the earth and universe in the billions of years, etc. She said she "hates those shows", and when I ask her about why, she quickly becomes defensive and shuts down the conversation.

 

Lastly, when she and I were talking about my friend from Los Angeles who became an atheist, she told me point-blank that she would rather "something bad happen to me than for me to become an atheist".

 

Because of such incidences, I have had some trepidation in approaching her due to what her reaction would be. And again, her sister (who is a very strong-willed, outspoken, fundie Christian) lives with us and I could not handle coming out to both of them at the same time. Her being gone for a week this week was, in my mind, good timing.

 

You have to understand there are a lot of mitigating factors that go into a decision about the timing on when to tell one's spouse about becoming an atheist, since it is such a sore subject. Ask Trapped, he knows exactly what I mean.

 

Granted, she and I have not been the best communicators with each other over the course of our marriage. Becoming an atheist certainly eroded some of the communication further. But opening up now will hopefully, as time goes on, allow us to actually be better at communicating with each other in the future. And I needed to make sure I had all my thoughts together before opening up to her about this. That way, I can communicate this all to her better.

[Margee]

May I add one little thing here Elect? Whatever you do...do not come on too heavy with the 'proof' of the 'doctrine.' It will push her real bad. It was like the night I got saved at 20 years old and ran home and practically overwhelmed my young husband with all of it. I was quite pushy, tryin to 'witness' to him. He never did get 'saved'.....

 

Just go real slow in my opinion. Just a reminder....

 

Best wishes for everything to turn out good!!

[electech98]

May I add one little thing here Elect? Whatever you do...do not come on too heavy with the 'proof' of the 'doctrine.' It will push her real bad. It was like the night I got saved at 20 years old and ran home and practically overwhelmed my young husband with all of it. I was quite pushy, tryin to 'witness' to him. He never did get 'saved'.....

 

Just go real slow in my opinion. Just a reminder....

 

Best wishes for everything to turn out good!!

Thank you Margee, I will definitely keep that in mind! Knowing her so far (but I could be wrong), the rate at which she looks at stuff with me will be VERY slow.

[freeasabird]

To be fair, she has a right to be upset in that respect. You could have been more open with her from the beginning. You choose to keep it all to yourself which while maybe having pure intentions was not the best decision. I would focus on the fact that you did openly tell her once you were sure of how you felt and that you did want to be honest with her. In other words, you told her before she just found out on her own and there is something to be said about that. Now it will just take time for the healing to begin for having hid it from her for some time.

 

As my testimony is proof of, I am a big fan of honesty up front and through the whole process but then my wife and I have the closeness and candidness few others have. But the next best thing is coming out as soon as you feel comfortable.

 

Well, speaking for myself (and I suspect that electech is in a similar circumstance), I might have been more honest up-front if I felt that any kind of questioning of the faith was permitted in my relationship.

 

It's not. Any deviation from the doctrine as delivered by the pastor is strictly forbidden. After being treated like a leper for suggesting that Christianity might be wrong about something,* you tend to just keep it all to yourself, until you wind up deconverting without realizing what's going on until after it's happened.

 

And then what do you do? Just blurt out over dinner one day that you don't believe anymore (which I'll end up doing anyway, probably)?

 

Yes, the relationship isn't healthy if one person finds themselves unable to tell the truth to the other person. I know that. But sometimes, that's just how it happens.

 

 

 

*Read in my extimony about how my wife reacted to my thoughts about whether my son should go to a school that teaches evolution instead of creationism for a really good example. Once you get burned like that a couple of times, you learn to just shut the hell up about anything that disagrees with the cult.

 

I see what you're saying and I do have to admit (as I always have) that I had it easy to say the least. What I meant wasn't necessarily saying bit by bit that you think the bible is horsecrap, but rather just pointing out and discussing as life partners the difficult sections, like "hey why do you think god in the old testament punished the people who tried to do the right thing, like the guy who touched the ark and the pharoah that took Sarah to bed, and let off the hook the people who did the wrong thing like Abraham and David?"

 

Once that dialogue ceases you're going to be on your own through your dark deconversion, and then up a creek when you have to come clean. For most people that will read this though it's already too late to decide that ahead of time, so really I'm just stressing how important good communication with your spouse can be.