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Male Domestic Abuse?


inorbit

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The Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women (DAHMW)

http://dahmw.org/

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Second the suggestion to have photos of the injuries taken, and store the originals where she cannot access them.

 

The next step is physical separation from her, and strict No Contact mode. If he's staying at her place, he may need to grab his stuff and sleep on a friend's couch till he can get a place of his own. If it's his place now, he needs to protect it from her. Change the locks, and possibly install a surveillance camera to record if she tries to break into his place. Change phone numbers, and give instructions to others not to give it to her. Block her e-mail. Block her friends' e-mails, too, if they try to relay messages from her. If he lives in an apartment with security personnel, leave instructions with them not to let her into the building. Ditto for his workplace -- Make it as difficult as possible for her to get through. Get a restraining order, and report every single violation.

 

The more time that elapses without communication between abuser and abused, the easier it gets for the abused to stay out of the relationship permanently.

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MUST... CONTROL... FIST OF DEATH

 

Believe me sister, I had the same fucking reaction. Almost got arrested myself for the shit I screamed at the cops sitting there, telling me no with their thumbs up their asses.

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MUST... CONTROL... FIST OF DEATH

 

Believe me sister, I had the same fucking reaction. Almost got arrested myself for the shit I screamed at the cops sitting there, telling me no with their thumbs up their asses.

Was it an emergency situation? j/w
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I thought so. She had cracked ribs and was going back to him. Police were all "oh well."

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My opinion probably isn't going to be a popular one, but it occurs to me that if the guy wants to stay in this relationship, there is nothing anyone is going to do to persuade him to leave.

 

Moreover, there is an important difference here between the type of abuse he is suffering and the abuse a battered woman would suffer. A woman in this situation could be completely vulnerable and unable to defend herself from her abuser. This guy, as the OP said, is able to defend himself, he just refuses to.

 

Until the guy is no longer obsessed with her, anything you do to convince him or break his relationship up is only going to be resented by him.

 

I agree with others who say he is taking terrible risks here and could actually be blamed himself. You might try that on him for size, but again, until he wants to do something about this himself, there is nothing to be done here that is really going to be helpful.

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I thought so. She had cracked ribs and was going back to him. Police were all "oh well."

That's technically not an emergency, right? It would be a different story if you approached the police when the guy was cracking her ribs, not after. What did you want the cops to do? They're kinda limited..
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My opinion probably isn't going to be a popular one, but it occurs to me that if the guy wants to stay in this relationship, there is nothing anyone is going to do to persuade him to leave.

 

Moreover, there is an important difference here between the type of abuse he is suffering and the abuse a battered woman would suffer. A woman in this situation could be completely vulnerable and unable to defend herself from her abuser. This guy, as the OP said, is able to defend himself, he just refuses to.

 

Until the guy is no longer obsessed with her, anything you do to convince him or break his relationship up is only going to be resented by him.

 

I agree with others who say he is taking terrible risks here and could actually be blamed himself. You might try that on him for size, but again, until he wants to do something about this himself, there is nothing to be done here that is really going to be helpful.

 

I agree. It sounds to me like he probably isn't in a whole lot of physical danger. But he IS in danger of getting himself caught up in our cluster-fuck of a legal system should she decide to use it against him.

 

And it doesn't sound like a more conventional abusive situation the abuser might go find and/or kill the victim if they leave . It just sounds to me like he doesn't have enough sense to walk away.

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My opinion probably isn't going to be a popular one, but it occurs to me that if the guy wants to stay in this relationship, there is nothing anyone is going to do to persuade him to leave.

 

Moreover, there is an important difference here between the type of abuse he is suffering and the abuse a battered woman would suffer. A woman in this situation could be completely vulnerable and unable to defend herself from her abuser. This guy, as the OP said, is able to defend himself, he just refuses to.

 

Until the guy is no longer obsessed with her, anything you do to convince him or break his relationship up is only going to be resented by him.

 

I agree with others who say he is taking terrible risks here and could actually be blamed himself. You might try that on him for size, but again, until he wants to do something about this himself, there is nothing to be done here that is really going to be helpful.

I'm afraid I disagree with the bolded. Domestic violence isn't about typical defense situations, so comparing relative ability to defend themselves is useless. It only makes sense when viewed through a relational lens as opposed to mere combat.

 

The syndrome develops in response to a three-stage cycle found in domestic violence situations. First, tension builds in the relationship. Second, the abusive partner releases tension via violence while blaming the victim for having caused the violence. Third, the violent partner makes gestures of contrition. However, the partner does not find solutions to avoid another phase of tension building and release so the cycle repeats. The repetition of the violence despite the abuser's attempts to "make nice" results in the abused partner feeling at fault for not preventing a repeat cycle of violence. However, since the victim is not at fault and the violence is internally driven by the abuser's need to control, this self-blame results in feelings of helplessness rather than empowerment. The feeling of being both responsible for and helpless to stop the violence leads in turn to depression and passivity. This learned depression and passivity makes it difficult for the abused partner to marshal the resources and support system needed to leave.[7]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battered_person_syndrome
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My opinion probably isn't going to be a popular one, but it occurs to me that if the guy wants to stay in this relationship, there is nothing anyone is going to do to persuade him to leave.

 

Moreover, there is an important difference here between the type of abuse he is suffering and the abuse a battered woman would suffer. A woman in this situation could be completely vulnerable and unable to defend herself from her abuser. This guy, as the OP said, is able to defend himself, he just refuses to.

 

Until the guy is no longer obsessed with her, anything you do to convince him or break his relationship up is only going to be resented by him.

 

I agree with others who say he is taking terrible risks here and could actually be blamed himself. You might try that on him for size, but again, until he wants to do something about this himself, there is nothing to be done here that is really going to be helpful.

I'm afraid I disagree with the bolded. Domestic violence isn't about typical defense situations, so comparing relative ability to defend themselves is useless. It only makes sense when viewed through a relational lens as opposed to mere combat.

 

The syndrome develops in response to a three-stage cycle found in domestic violence situations. First, tension builds in the relationship. Second, the abusive partner releases tension via violence while blaming the victim for having caused the violence. Third, the violent partner makes gestures of contrition. However, the partner does not find solutions to avoid another phase of tension building and release so the cycle repeats. The repetition of the violence despite the abuser's attempts to "make nice" results in the abused partner feeling at fault for not preventing a repeat cycle of violence. However, since the victim is not at fault and the violence is internally driven by the abuser's need to control, this self-blame results in feelings of helplessness rather than empowerment. The feeling of being both responsible for and helpless to stop the violence leads in turn to depression and passivity. This learned depression and passivity makes it difficult for the abused partner to marshal the resources and support system needed to leave.[7]
http://en.wikipedia....person_syndrome

 

Yeah, well, I kind of have a hard time taking this seriously. A battered female could potentially be in real danger where as this guy, if he wanted to or needed to, could easily restrain her. There is a huge psychological difference here, not to mention physical difference. Any average guy can take a few minor bumps and bruises in stride. That's not the same thing as a female getting punched in the face by a grown man or having her ribs cracked or what have you.

 

I'm not usually one to poo poo professionals, but in some instances, they can make things out to be something they are not. Usually this happens when psychologists and government agencies get together in collusion and careers need to be justified, which I suspect is the case here if this is seriously being applied to a male in the position as this particular male.

 

Now, if this guy was half her size, and or she were using a gun or some other leverage, it would be a different story. From the OP, this guy has never been in any real danger.

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Yeah, well, I kind of have a hard time taking this seriously. A battered female could potentially be in real danger where as this guy, if he wanted to or needed to, could easily restrain her. There is a huge psychological difference here, not to mention physical difference. Any average guy can take a few minor bumps and bruises in stride. That's not the same thing as a female getting punched in the face by a grown man or having her ribs cracked or what have you.

 

I'm not usually one to poo poo professionals, but in some instances, they can make things out to be something they are not. Usually this happens when psychologists and government agencies get together in collusion and careers need to be justified, which I suspect is the case here if this is seriously being applied to a male in the position as this particular male.

 

Now, if this guy was half her size, and or she were using a gun or some other leverage, it would be a different story. From the OP, this guy has never been in any real danger.

Well, you know what I think. A few thoughts:

- This guy may be in 'real danger' every time he goes to sleep. As a previous poster wrote, he needs to get out before he wakes up sans penis.

- Again, domestic violence isn't simply a combat equation, its relational. The fact that he -could- restrain her is irrelevant to the dynamic of a particular relationship unless someone in that relationship -makes- it relevant. How many women could restrain their abusive husbands by merely calling 911? Honestly, the only way to make sense of it is to view it through their relationship. Otherwise, you end up saying nonsensical things like 'Oh, he must be consenting to all this abuse.'

- There aren't enough facts here. His friend is concerned about him, though, which is enough to take it seriously imo.

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How many women could restrain their abusive husbands by merely calling 911?

 

I agree the psychological component is one of the strongest ones; that is, unless there is also a monetary component (I'll be homeless if I leave). And, yeah, the guy is taking a risk of her doing something to him.

 

Nevertheless, psychologically, the situation between he and a typical battered wife is miles apart in terms of fear and sheer vulnerability. It's these things that make domestic abuse so ugly and which causes normal people to so easily sympathize with the abused.

 

So, yeah, the guy should leave. He's in a shitty relationship. But no, I don't fear for him or feel the kind of sympathy I would feel if the person in question were seriously being injured by his/her partner.

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How many women could restrain their abusive husbands by merely calling 911?

 

I agree the psychological component is one of the strongest ones; that is, unless there is also a monetary component (I'll be homeless if I leave). And, yeah, the guy is taking a risk of her doing something to him.

 

Nevertheless, psychologically, the situation between he and a typical battered wife is miles apart in terms of fear and sheer vulnerability. It's these things that make domestic abuse so ugly and which causes normal people to so easily sympathize with the abused.

 

So, yeah, the guy should leave. He's in a shitty relationship. But no, I don't fear for him or feel the kind of sympathy I would feel if the person in question were seriously being injured by his/her partner.

 

This is the exact attitude that makes it nearly impossible for male victims of domestic abuse to seek help.

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So, yeah, the guy should leave. He's in a shitty relationship. But no, I don't fear for him or feel the kind of sympathy I would feel if the person in question were seriously being injured by his/her partner.

You've obviously never had crazed, drunken woman get knives out to try to stab you.

 

When my dad was in a relationship like this, he called me in the middle of the night to tell me they were in a fight, and knowing her past behavior, I was terrified that she was going to kill him in a fight, or kill him in his sleep. This is not a joke, and male domestic abuse is very real.

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How many women could restrain their abusive husbands by merely calling 911?

 

I agree the psychological component is one of the strongest ones; that is, unless there is also a monetary component (I'll be homeless if I leave). And, yeah, the guy is taking a risk of her doing something to him.

 

Nevertheless, psychologically, the situation between he and a typical battered wife is miles apart in terms of fear and sheer vulnerability. It's these things that make domestic abuse so ugly and which causes normal people to so easily sympathize with the abused.

 

So, yeah, the guy should leave. He's in a shitty relationship. But no, I don't fear for him or feel the kind of sympathy I would feel if the person in question were seriously being injured by his/her partner.

 

This is the exact attitude that makes it nearly impossible for male victims of domestic abuse to seek help.

 

Help from what? What is it here the guy can't get away from? You haven't demonstrated that I'm wrong, you've merely painted my views as being in a particular camp, which then implies I'm somehow wrong. I'm willing to reconsider my position, but I don't see how the guy is in anywhere near the kind of dire straights someone would be in were they stacked up against someone they couldn't physically defend themselves against. I personally think you're projecting upon this guy the same conditions that someone more helpless than he would experience were they in his shoes. He's not helpless and helplessness is the key to what makes domestic abuse so horrible.

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So, yeah, the guy should leave. He's in a shitty relationship. But no, I don't fear for him or feel the kind of sympathy I would feel if the person in question were seriously being injured by his/her partner.

You've obviously never had crazed, drunken woman get knives out to try to stab you.

 

When my dad was in a relationship like this, he called me in the middle of the night to tell me they were in a fight, and knowing her past behavior, I was terrified that she was going to kill him in a fight, or kill him in his sleep. This is not a joke, and male domestic abuse is very real.

 

I didn't read anywhere where knives or alcohol were involved here. Why assume they are?

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I didn't read anywhere where knives or alcohol were involved here. Why assume they are?

He said "She drinks too much and then attacks him. Happens a few times a month. He has very visible marks and defensive wounds."

 

I bring up knives because I have seen it, in the situation with my father. That was after months of abuse. Things escalated to knives. It could escalate to worse things with the man referred to in the OP. It sounds like they are already bad.

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I also brought it up to point out that just because it is a woman, that does not mean she can't seriously harm him or even kill him.

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How many women could restrain their abusive husbands by merely calling 911?

 

I agree the psychological component is one of the strongest ones; that is, unless there is also a monetary component (I'll be homeless if I leave). And, yeah, the guy is taking a risk of her doing something to him.

 

Nevertheless, psychologically, the situation between he and a typical battered wife is miles apart in terms of fear and sheer vulnerability. It's these things that make domestic abuse so ugly and which causes normal people to so easily sympathize with the abused.

 

So, yeah, the guy should leave. He's in a shitty relationship. But no, I don't fear for him or feel the kind of sympathy I would feel if the person in question were seriously being injured by his/her partner.

 

This is the exact attitude that makes it nearly impossible for male victims of domestic abuse to seek help.

 

Help from what? What is it here the guy can't get away from?

 

Domestic violence. You could ask the same about a woman who doesn't leave an abuser - in fact many people blame women for not leaving their abusers. She could run out the door, right? An abuser often has psychological control over their victims.

 

You haven't demonstrated that I'm wrong, you've merely painted my views as being in a particular camp, which then implies I'm somehow wrong. I'm willing to reconsider my position, but I don't see how the guy is in anywhere near the kind of dire straights someone would be in were they stacked up against someone they couldn't physically defend themselves against. I personally think you're projecting upon this guy the same conditions that someone more helpless than he would experience were they in his shoes. He's not helpless and helplessness is the key to what makes domestic abuse so horrible.

 

I think you're ignoring the psychological aspects of domestic abuse. Your dismissive attitude is disturbing.

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I didn't read anywhere where knives or alcohol were involved here. Why assume they are?

He said "She drinks too much and then attacks him. Happens a few times a month. He has very visible marks and defensive wounds."

 

I bring up knives because I have seen it, in the situation with my father. That was after months of abuse. Things escalated to knives. It could escalate to worse things with the man referred to in the OP. It sounds like they are already bad.

 

Ok, I missed the drinking.

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I also brought it up to point out that just because it is a woman, that does not mean she can't seriously harm him or even kill him.

 

Yes, I agree and I agree the guy is taking a huge risk. I just don't agree that he is vulnerable and unable to extract himself if he so chooses. If she were the sole bread winner and if she were overpowering him when she was violent, it would change the variables. Neither of these appear to be the case and since the guy doesn't appear to want to leave, it seems to me any help outsiders offer him is not going to be welcome. He chooses to remain a victim. That's his choice.

 

Right now, he's merely a victim of psychological abuse because a few scratches and bumps is nothing more than your average blue collar worker gets at work.

 

Let me put it this way. A female in his shoes might seriously fear for her life or fear serious physical harm if her partner, who is 2x or more times stronger than she were in a rage. This guy, unless the girl is wielding a weapon, would be under nothing more than the same emotional trauma every person goes through when they are in the heat of an argument with their loved one.

 

Perhaps you can't empathize as you see this from a female's perspective. Dunno. I don't intend that statement as a dismissal of your point of view, it's a legitimate question that comes to mind. I know I personally project what I think a female might suffer in such a situation and I know what I personally project a male might suffer. It's just my own perception, but as a male, I don't see the guy suffering in anything close to the same way, and yes, for the record, I've been in situations where I've had a female partner fly into a fit of rage and try to hit me before. It's not fun, but I didn't feel anything like fear as I knew I was able to extract myself or restrain her if need be.

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Domestic violence. You could ask the same about a woman who doesn't leave an abuser - in fact many people blame women for not leaving their abusers. She could run out the door, right? An abuser often has psychological control over their victims.

 

 

Yes, I agree.

 

I think you're ignoring the psychological aspects of domestic abuse. Your dismissive attitude is disturbing.

 

No, I'm pointing out that there is a vast difference between the way a stronger male would process the situation compared to a weaker female.

 

I'm not saying females are weak, so please don't misread me.

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...since the guy doesn't appear to want to leave, it seems to me any help outsiders offer him is not going to be welcome. He chooses to remain a victim. That's his choice.

Well, Im with you there. I know my dad didnt try to kick his ex wife out, and she was a crazy bitch. Im not sure what it takes to make someone finally leave/kick them out. Its different with every person. But as a friend, you have to at least try. You can't just sit by and accept what is going on. That will only reinforce the idea that its okay/not that big of a deal.

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It's just my own perception, but as a male, I don't see the guy suffering in anything close to the same way, and yes, for the record, I've been in situations where I've had a female partner fly into a fit of rage and try to hit me before. It's not fun, but I didn't feel anything like fear as I knew I was able to extract myself or restrain her if need be.

 

I completely disagree with you here. Abuse isnt just about being afraid for your life, it is also about the physical damage inflicted (by someone who is supposed to love you). In abusive situations with women, often the man isn't trying to KILL the woman, he is just beating her, wanting to control her. The woman isnt necessarily afraid for her life, unless they are afraid for the time he goes "too far", which could just as easily happen if the abusive woman were to go too far.

This isnt just about being afraid that you will die. Its about living with someone who is hurting you. Being afraid of their rage, and how bad it is going to be the next time. Wondering how long it will take for you to calm them down. How badly you are going to be hurt.

As far as the comparing the damage to a days work.... That is absurd. I saw my dad wounded first hand, by my ex step mother. He had chunks of skin taken out of his flesh, from her biting him, on several places on his body. She broke one of his bones. She gave him a black eye. (And many other things I dont remember, because I try not to think about it anymore.)

I think you are thinking about this in terms of the situations you were in where a woman flew out you in a fit of rage. This is not the same thing.

 

(I hope this makes sense. Im really tired.)

 

Now I see you meant more that he could overpower her if he wanted to. (sorry.. tired) Yes, but. Thats the thing about abuse. Just how the man is not retaliating, its the same as the woman staying. They dont get themselves out of the situation. They think they can fix it. They think that they can "love them enough" and it will get better. That one day they will feel bad about everything they have done.

 

Its very dangerous. Even though the man COULD overpower her, he wont because he loves her, and wants to make things better. And he can get very seriously injured.

 

(I hope you can understand, despite my sleep brain.)

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This isnt just about being afraid that you will die. Its about living with someone who is hurting you. Being afraid of their rage, and how bad it is going to be the next time. Wondering how long it will take for you to calm them down. How badly you are going to be hurt.

 

Yes, I agree, but that's not what I see happening here in this situation. This guy isn't wondering how bad he's going to be hurt, etc... as far as I can tell.

 

That is absurd. I saw my dad wounded first hand, by my ex step mother. He had chunks of skin taken out of his flesh, from her biting him, on several places on his body. She broke one of his bones. She gave him a black eye. (And many other things I dont remember, because I try not to think about it anymore.)

 

It seems I'm being misunderstood here. I never intended to imply that a male could not suffer domestic abuse. It sounds from your description here, that your father did indeed suffer it. I was discussing what I read in the OP, which said he had visible scratches, etc... This sounds no worse than what I suffered on a daily basis when I worked in a grocery store when I was younger. I can only base my response to what I read here. Wendyshrug.gif

 

I actually thought of a good analogy to better explain my perspective here.

 

As I mentioned, I've had a partner who would fly off the handle, go into a fit of rage and try to hit me.

 

I also had a roommate when I was younger who was a body builder, who had a huge temper and who likely was on steroids. He was at least 2x stronger than I.

 

Once I told him he was being a jerk and he flew off the handle and physically threatened me. In that moment I felt fear; so much so that I moved out the next day.

 

The differences in how I processed the two situations was completely different as was the impact they had on my psychi because in the first situation, I was able to control the outcome whereas in the second situation, I was in serious danger and I was aware of that danger.

 

I'm not generally a dismissive person. I try and understand nuance to the best of my ability. I just don't think all domestic situations are the same and while I agree that the psychological components that make people stay in abusive relationships are the same in most cases, I don't think the impact of that fear always exists, so what I'm doing here is not broad brushing the situation, but looking at it as closely as I'm able from a message board and saying I don't think the guy in the op is in the same boat as your typical abused housewife. I think he's in a bad relationship, but that's another issue. With more info about his situation, I could possibly be persuaded to change my mind. I think assuming he is, is similar to being dismissive as I've been accused as it's a broad brush approach to a more complex topic.

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