openpalm45 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I'm not generally a dismissive person. I try and understand nuance to the best of my ability. I just don't think all domestic situations are the same and while I agree that the psychological components that make people stay in abusive relationships are the same in most cases, I don't think the impact of that fear always exists, so what I'm doing here is not broad brushing the situation, but looking at it as closely as I'm able from a message board and saying I don't think the guy in the op is in the same boat as your typical abused housewife. I think he's in a bad relationship, but that's another issue. With more info about his situation, I could possibly be persuaded to change my mind. I think assuming he is, is similar to being dismissive as I've been accused as it's a broad brush approach to a more complex topic. Well, in the original post he said: "He has very visible marks and defensive wounds. She has not a scratch on her. He tried to stop her, but refuses to use force or hurt her. But he also refuses to leave her. If he was the she in the relationship, I'd be begging her/him to flee and find a safe house. The marks are that bad." That sound pretty bad to me. And from my experience, the situations seem to escalate, so I would imagine they will only get worse. I think our opinions are not SO different, but when you say things like "Yeah, well, I kind of have a hard time taking this seriously." it does sound dismissive. And it upsets me a little bit, because I have seen this kind of violence first hand, and it is definitely something to be taken seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 Maybe we need a better explanation of what kind of injuries he has? But even so, its still something to be taken seriously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I think our opinions are not SO different, but when you say things like "Yeah, well, I kind of have a hard time taking this seriously." it does sound dismissive. And it upsets me a little bit, because I have seen this kind of violence first hand, and it is definitely something to be taken seriously. It's probably just a matter of how language comes across on the internet. If you knew me a little better you would know I'm a very empathetic person who is not generally dismissive. You also need to understand I see things quite differently from your average American, which gives me sometimes a different angle on situations. I've lived in Russia for 8 years and I bet that OP written from an American's perspective, could be written about 50% of married men here in Russia. I just have a hard time believing they are all victims of domestic abuse and rather are victims of the sometimes overly dramatic nature of your typical Russian woman. I love Russian women; I'm even married to one, but when they are in a fit of rage, they can behave like the woman in the OP. Definitely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 I think our opinions are not SO different, but when you say things like "Yeah, well, I kind of have a hard time taking this seriously." it does sound dismissive. And it upsets me a little bit, because I have seen this kind of violence first hand, and it is definitely something to be taken seriously. It's probably just a matter of how language comes across on the internet. If you knew me a little better you would know I'm a very empathetic person who is not generally dismissive. You also need to understand I see things quite differently from your average American, which gives me sometimes a different angle on situations. I've lived in Russia for 8 years and I bet that OP written from an American's perspective, could be written about 50% of married men here in Russia. I just have a hard time believing they are all victims of domestic abuse and rather are victims of the sometimes overly dramatic nature of your typical Russian woman. I love Russian women; I'm even married to one, but when they are in a fit of rage, they can behave like the woman in the OP. Definitely. Well, knowing the thing about Russian women definitely makes your point make more sense. Without knowing that, it just seemed you had a "Oh, he is a man, he is stronger, he'll be fine." kind of attitude. And that did seem a bit dismissive to the men who have experienced real abuse, potentially including the man talked about in the OP. (And that kind of attitude is what makes it such a difficult thing for men who have experienced abuse to talk about it and find help) Im sure you are a very empathetic person. I dont doubt that. And maybe my opinion would change if I were around Russian women. But from my perspective, the OP sounds like abuse to me, and causes me great concern for the man involved. We can just agree to slightly disagree. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 This thread's new direction makes me look at those "Russian mail-order bride" stories in a whole new light. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vigile Posted July 9, 2012 Share Posted July 9, 2012 This thread's new direction makes me look at those "Russian mail-order bride" stories in a whole new light. ha ha. I was seriously tempted to paste the Mel Gibson rant with his ex wife here, but the nuance will be lost and misunderstood. Russian woman can make a guy already crazy as Mel even crazier, but they have tons of great qualities that make up for it. And yes, his rant was an inappropriate response, but it still makes me laugh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith666 Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 He probably thinks domestic abuse only happens to women, or at least women get it worse--that's the message we get from the media. If he loves her, he has her interests in mind. Tell him that by letting her abuse him, he is actually hurting her because if she doesn't get help, she will be very unhappy for her entire life. 1) The alcoholism is damaging her physically, and 2) if she keeps up this violent cycle, she will be left with no partner/husband and no friends. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WMDKitty Posted July 10, 2012 Share Posted July 10, 2012 I'm needing to drop out of this thread, it's getting to be too much. OP, best of luck to your friend, I hope he gets out and gets help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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