Galien Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Probably the three hour argument about religion with my muslim son inlaw wasn't such a great idea. Wasn't the subject matter as much as the whole notion that we need to be controlled by some external group of ideas that triggered my PTSD. Just brought back the incredibly deep sense of disappointment I feel towards people, the iknowledge that outside my comforming to whatever it is they expect from me, I have no value whatsoever. I really do believe that I will never be able to completely trust people again. When I think I have found someone who understands, I am always wrong. No one is ever going to understand what this poxy, fucked up religion has done to the depths of my psyche, the way that every time a person's behaviour towards me changes even slightly I think they are going to reject me and it produces such intense anger coupled with such deep grief I don't know what to say or think or feel or do. Ihave SO much pent up anger over the way christians have treated me that when I lose my shit at someoe it is like they wear the whole 36 years worth of anger and pain and disappointment. I try very hard to control it, because I know it is not fair to them and they don't even understand why I am angry in the first place. Worries me that this is how I will always be now, cycles of fear and anger. I let myself feel comfortable and trust, but always the same thing, I feel even a subtle shift in a person's attitude towards me and I realise that even though I thought it was probably going to be okay, it isn't. I am unable to get past the idea that I have no real value to people whatsoever, outside what I can give them. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voice Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Hey G, it's been a while. Are you sure it's all about religion? I've had these same feelings before being christian, during and after, up until now. I've learned it was hard wired when I was an infant. You've been an ex-c for quite a while. How many years again? I'm surprised to read you're still bleeding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I am unable to get past the idea that I have no real value to people whatsoever, outside what I can give them. Wow, Galien, I am surprised to hear this coming from you. I can very much relate to it. You are not alone... Realizing that people respect you only when you comform to whatever they expect from you. I've been feeling this intensely in the last month. Fuck them, I just want to be left alone. Will I ever feel normal again? I sure hope so. Hang in there sister ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voice Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I don't do well with rejection either. Sometimes it helps to find community with other rejects. There was a bar in Minneapolis I went to a couple times, made by and dedicated to rejects. Can't remember the name of it now. I ran into a lover there who I'd known before. I was also the only one there with a flannel shirt on. Crazy but cool place. Since deconversion, there were times I've spent months, once a whole year living ways to insure rejection from all but maybe 5 people who thought what I was doing was cool. I honestly don't know why - maybe to challenge/face my worst fears? Now I'm so afraid of rejection it dictates my dating behavior, relationship behavior, business tactics; it's severe. Doesn't have anything to do with any religion though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted July 21, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 21, 2012 So sorry to hear. Unfortunately, it's hard to find peeps who will really stick with you through thick and thin. We all have our issues. Most people really do mean well--they just may not be able to invest as much as you expect them to. I hope that you can accept a {{{hug}}} from me, no strings attached. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galien Posted July 21, 2012 Author Share Posted July 21, 2012 So sorry to hear. Unfortunately, it's hard to find peeps who will really stick with you through thick and thin. We all have our issues. Most people really do mean well--they just may not be able to invest as much as you expect them to. I hope that you can accept a {{{hug}}} from me, no strings attached. Yeah i guess it is the investment thing. I haved alwayhs been prepared to invest a lot. Guess I have to learn, somehow, that others arent willing or able to though. What I dont know how to do is do that and not feel like they are wrth more to me than I am to them. I wasn't like this before the whole disaster, not really. I always just trusted people. Now I find it hard to do so but I still try and even when I think I have chosen well, then shit happens and I am just not sure again. With a bit of luck one day I may just stop caring altogether. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeverAgainV Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I'm sorry to hear you are feeling bad. ((hug)) That religious bullshit & those people can REALLY hurt us. If there is any good angle I think it's that you recognize it, the anger. I too can vent at times & think...WHY did I have such a severe emotional reaction to something not so big?? I began to realize that I had been hurt so bad in the past, that i was terrified the same thing would happen again. I believed & was sincere & was lied to...I thought those "believers" were my friends...they shunned me when I left their church..betrayal....on & on. & then I think.... what if that shit happens again??????? I don't think I could handle it.... It's a hard thing to trust again Galien. Thank you for sharing. You are not alone. Take care & I hope you heal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted July 21, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 21, 2012 So sorry to hear. Unfortunately, it's hard to find peeps who will really stick with you through thick and thin. We all have our issues. Most people really do mean well--they just may not be able to invest as much as you expect them to. I hope that you can accept a {{{hug}}} from me, no strings attached. Yeah i guess it is the investment thing. I haved alwayhs been prepared to invest a lot. Guess I have to learn, somehow, that others arent willing or able to though. What I dont know how to do is do that and not feel like they are wrth more to me than I am to them. I wasn't like this before the whole disaster, not really. I always just trusted people. Now I find it hard to do so but I still try and even when I think I have chosen well, then shit happens and I am just not sure again. With a bit of luck one day I may just stop caring altogether. I hope that you will always care. I try to give others the benefit of the doubt. Most of us care and invest what we can at the time. But we can't always be completely open with everyone about what's happening in our own personal world. And only a small percentage are the emotional artistic type who feel so strongly about what you might be feeling right now. All of us only have so much energy to invest. I hope that you get your cup filled and acquire a source of energy to meet your needs. <3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serendipity Rose Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Oh please don't stop caring! I know this isn't for everybody but I'm the kind of person that if something I need isn't available I just try to figure out how to make it happen! It sounds like you need some free thinking people to talk to in real life sometimes. I've spent a lot of my adult life just building communities for that reason, even before I knew I was an atheist! If you don't have a atheist, freethinker or humanist group near you there are several ways you can start one. If this isn't something you'd be interested in doing then just ignore this but it's something I'm very passionate about and I just wish everyone could have a group of people they could BE with. The BEST way to find other atheists or whatever kind of people you are looking for is to start a group on meetup.com. http://australia.meetup.com/ It's very local oriented and they do awesome search engine optimization so people find it in searches. But--it is a little pricey so if you don't have the extra money it would be difficult. Another way is making a FB group and/or a yahoo group. Yahoo is pretty good for local searches though not as good as meetup. But! It's free. I know it might seem silly to start a group with only YOU in it. And you have to have patience, especially if you live in a small town. But who knows what atheists might be lurking in the shadows only wishing that there were other atheists that they could connect with. Skepchick is doing some Google + Hangouts. If you're on G+ you should circle Skepchick to find out when they'll be. https://plus.google.com/u/0/118040392003325118297/posts But! If you're NOT on G+, the hangouts are being recorded and are available here: http://www.youtube.com/user/skepchickvideo You HAVE value! You just need to be around people who see that value! Please feel free to message me if you are interested in starting a group and I'll be happy to share my experience with you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
openpalm45 Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I had an emotional breakdown on the phone with my sister about religion and how harmful it was for me. She didnt say a word. She doesnt understand. I dont think she ever will. No one does. People think I deconverted because of the legalism of the ministries and churches I was involved with. Its not just about that. Christianity fucks with people. Christianity hurts people. But we have been taught since birth that Christianity is the answer, the truth, and all about love. So there is nothing wrong with Christianity. It must be something wrong with ME. Im wrong. My Christian involvements were wrong. I was in the wrong group. I misunderstood. I didnt try it the right way. Or worse, I didnt try hard enough. Its frustrating, and it hurts, that people dont trust me. Even when I am very vulnerable with them. Its something I had better keep to myself. They will just misunderstand again and again. There are a few people I can talk to though. I try to do all my talking about this stuff, with them. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest wester Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 I get PTSD from illegitimate, controlling authority. That comes from a lot of places, including politics, work, religion and so-much of modern society.i It took me years of Irish arguing and fighting to get myself wise enough to identify some of the sources and causes of my misery. Hanging with Buddhists has given me a different perspective on the importance of managing your emotions, keeping the poker face, not showing your hand, keeping your power to yourself and using it judiciously and effectively. As SunTzu said: Know your self, know the terrain, know your enemy. Stay strong. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Hi Galien, I was wondering what prompted you to put "lonely" on your status bar, and I guess this event was it? I too relate to everything you say about the difficulty of finding true reciprocity. For me the aftereffects of Christianity make it harder, but I think part of it is growing older, too, and realizing the ease with which you can lose people and things (when you're young you're oriented toward discovering the new so you slough off the old, even when valued, more easily...) I don't have answers right now but at least lots of us are mates in the same boat. Rock on, gurl. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Babylonian Dream Posted July 21, 2012 Share Posted July 21, 2012 Probably the three hour argument about religion with my muslim son inlaw wasn't such a great idea. Wasn't the subject matter as much as the whole notion that we need to be controlled by some external group of ideas that triggered my PTSD. Just brought back the incredibly deep sense of disappointment I feel towards people, the iknowledge that outside my comforming to whatever it is they expect from me, I have no value whatsoever. I really do believe that I will never be able to completely trust people again. When I think I have found someone who understands, I am always wrong. No one is ever going to understand what this poxy, fucked up religion has done to the depths of my psyche, the way that every time a person's behaviour towards me changes even slightly I think they are going to reject me and it produces such intense anger coupled with such deep grief I don't know what to say or think or feel or do. Ihave SO much pent up anger over the way christians have treated me that when I lose my shit at someoe it is like they wear the whole 36 years worth of anger and pain and disappointment. I try very hard to control it, because I know it is not fair to them and they don't even understand why I am angry in the first place. Worries me that this is how I will always be now, cycles of fear and anger. I let myself feel comfortable and trust, but always the same thing, I feel even a subtle shift in a person's attitude towards me and I realise that even though I thought it was probably going to be okay, it isn't. I am unable to get past the idea that I have no real value to people whatsoever, outside what I can give them. *HUGZ* I know very well how you feel. You sound like me. I don't have an answer though, being in the same boat (though never diagnosed with PTSD), guess I haven't found a solution either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted July 21, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 21, 2012 Galien, I am sorry you are feeling 'down' right now. It's a horrible feeling. I think it's safe to say that you are an 'empath' like myself and we feel bad when a bug gets squashed. http://healing.about...mpathtraits.htm Personally, I have hardened up a bit and I think it's a good thing..(For me anyway) I will not be blind to the fact anymore, that when I give my heart over to someone or something, I do become vulnerable, because another human being (or expectation of something) can hurt me or let me down. Life itself has hardened my heart. So I go into most things now, knowing this. It's called survival....(for me!) Hope you feel better soon. hugs! P.S. what's normal anyway? What the world told us? Yeah...right............ I make my own 'normal' now..... and for most of the time...do not care anymore if 'they' approve.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galien Posted July 22, 2012 Author Share Posted July 22, 2012 Thanks guys for your encouragement. It means a lot to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galien Posted July 22, 2012 Author Share Posted July 22, 2012 Galien, I am sorry you are feeling 'down' right now. It's a horrible feeling. I think it's safe to say that you are an 'empath' like myself and we feel bad when a bug gets squashed. http://healing.about...mpathtraits.htm Personally, I have hardened up a bit and I think it's a good thing..(For me anyway) I will not be blind to the fact anymore, that when I give my heart over to someone or something, I do become vulnerable, because another human being (or expectation of something) can hurt me or let me down. Life itself has hardened my heart. So I go into most things now, knowing this. It's called survival....(for me!) Hope you feel better soon. hugs! P.S. what's normal anyway? What the world told us? Yeah...right............ I make my own 'normal' now..... and for most of the time...do not care anymore if 'they' approve.... I guess my curse Margee is that no matter how many people let me down my heart does not harden, i just feel a bit sadder and less worthy of love than the time before. As a christian I always thought people were a lot better than they are. Now that seems burned into my brain and i cannot stop doing it, even though i get fucked over again and again and again and again. Maybe I should go live with Burned Out (or at the very least a republican) for six months and my world view may change permanently Thanks for always being the complete sweetheart you are 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts