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Any Coming Out To Spouse Updates?


roadrunner

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Also, this rescue effort on everybody's part is killing me. Its the same "I feel it. I know it. i had a miracle" arguments that they keep giving me. It getting annoying

 

That's one thing I'm glad to say that I haven't experienced. Not yet, anyway. I completely understand how that would get old pretty quick, roadrunner.

 

And yes, Christians subscribe to a logic that's different from what anyone else in the real world uses. It's the only way to make their apologetics work.

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Question to all in this topic:

 

My wife has reacted to my deconversion by becoming a more intense christian, reading more christian literature, attending events more, praying more, reading bible more, more annoying comments to me when I am watching science programs, you get the idea. I have my own thoughts on why this is happening. She may be trying to get me to miss it all by demonstrating what she thinks I would "miss" if I saw it is played out before me. Of course that will not happen. Also a therapist suggested that prior to my conversion she transferred my faith and belief onto her and used it to validate her own belief. Now that is gone and she feels a need to acquire her own faith foundations. Not sure I am saying that the best way but something like that.

 

So my question is this: After coming out to your spouse, did their faith change to be more serious? And if it did, then did it stay that way? Or did you see it eventually settle down and perhaps your spouse gave it up altogether. (Oh please - may that happen in my case!)

 

I loved reading all the comments. I so appreciate this site!!

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Ellwood. I haven't seen my wife act more religious yet. I'm hope the opposite will happen, of course. However, the pastor of our church encouraged her to keep being faithful so she could be an "example" to me.

 

Perhaps she's trying to show that her faith is still strong in the hopes that if you see how "unwavering" it is you might reconsider.

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Ellwood, I haven't seen a dramatic difference in my wife's behavior. She's not attending church more often, or going to more women's meetings or watching more programs to bolster her faith (that I know of). At the same time, she hasn't shown any signs that she has doubts of her own, either. She also hasn't made any comments about my lack of faith since my initial coming out.

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So my question is this: After coming out to your spouse, did their faith change to be more serious? And if it did, then did it stay that way? Or did you see it eventually settle down and perhaps your spouse gave it up altogether. (Oh please - may that happen in my case!)

 

Yes mine did this too. I dont blame her. If religion is supposed to be so important and you think that the values in your children, your life's work, and eternity in heaven all hinge on this belief any reasonable person (well you know what I mean..) would and should crank it up a notch.

 

while i was going through my deconversion I unknowingly fell asleep at the xian wheel and we got rather mundane with our spiritual life while I was learning about REAL life and she was along for the mundane part without going with me on the reality quest so this is a significant change for her to have cranked it up so far so soon.

 

I will say that we were this way in the past when we first got married and even a few year into marriage so she isnt new to this way of life. She blasts gospel music now occasionally and i catch her reading the bible more. Part of it may just me being more sensitive now to religion.

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Question to all in this topic:

 

My wife has reacted to my deconversion by becoming a more intense christian, reading more christian literature, attending events more, praying more, reading bible more, more annoying comments to me when I am watching science programs, you get the idea. I have my own thoughts on why this is happening. She may be trying to get me to miss it all by demonstrating what she thinks I would "miss" if I saw it is played out before me. Of course that will not happen. Also a therapist suggested that prior to my conversion she transferred my faith and belief onto her and used it to validate her own belief. Now that is gone and she feels a need to acquire her own faith foundations. Not sure I am saying that the best way but something like that.

 

So my question is this: After coming out to your spouse, did their faith change to be more serious? And if it did, then did it stay that way? Or did you see it eventually settle down and perhaps your spouse gave it up altogether. (Oh please - may that happen in my case!)

 

I loved reading all the comments. I so appreciate this site!!

 

This is EXACTLY what my wife is doing. She even tried to subtly reconvert me the other day. Showed me a page out of her diary of the night where i attempted to "receive the HS" and told her i felt tingly. Now i know I was just going numb from standing and amping myself up. Anyways, i looked at it, and just said, "I told you, i left for intellectual reasons, not emotional ones" or something like that, and she left it alone. But yeah, she amped it up.

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Also, this rescue effort on everybody's part is killing me. Its the same "I feel it. I know it. i had a miracle" arguments that they keep giving me. It getting annoying

 

What a lot of them don't realize is that people of other religions have simliar experiences. If feelings determined truth, then everything that everyone just "feels" is true would actually be true. Yet that simply can't be, since many such "truths" are mutually exclusive.

 

Of course, those who do realize that the same things are claimed by people of other faiths often try to rationalize it away by saying that the others are deluded and/or satan is performing miracles to deceive them. Yet the people of other religions believe similar things about those outside of their particular faith. The argument is a cheap shot that anyone can make, and they have absolutely zero proof for it.

 

My wife has reacted to my deconversion by becoming a more intense christian, reading more christian literature, attending events more, praying more, reading bible more, more annoying comments to me when I am watching science programs, you get the idea. I have my own thoughts on why this is happening. She may be trying to get me to miss it all by demonstrating what she thinks I would "miss" if I saw it is played out before me. Of course that will not happen. Also a therapist suggested that prior to my conversion she transferred my faith and belief onto her and used it to validate her own belief. Now that is gone and she feels a need to acquire her own faith foundations. Not sure I am saying that the best way but something like that.

 

Those certainly could be, but another possibility is that she's trying to intervene on your behalf. The extra praying and Bible reading may be an attempt to draw closer to "God" so that he'll honor her sincerity and draw you back to him. The comments during science programs may be intended to refute "the devil's lies" and help you see the "truth" of Christianity.

 

So my question is this: After coming out to your spouse, did their faith change to be more serious? And if it did, then did it stay that way? Or did you see it eventually settle down and perhaps your spouse gave it up altogether. (Oh please - may that happen in my case!)

 

My wife has been a devout believer as long as I've known her, but she's never really been a Bible thumper. During my deconversion, she may have prayed more when I was at work. I don't know about that, but she didn't really try to force anything on me. We had discussions for a while, which were awkward because of approaching the subject from such different angles, but she never really threw her religion in my face. She knew that my faith had been solid and sincere, and she also recognized that my doubts were sincere. These days, we rarely mention anything pertaining to religion to each other. She goes to church and I go to freethinker meetups, and we focus on other things when together, such as our mutual style of humor, similar preferred TV shows, etc.

 

Good luck with your wife. It sounds like you're having a tougher time than I did in that department, but I wish you well and hope for the best.

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So my question is this: After coming out to your spouse, did their faith change to be more serious? And if it did, then did it stay that way? Or did you see it eventually settle down and perhaps your spouse gave it up altogether. (Oh please - may that happen in my case!)

 

Absolutely yes, but it doesn't really bother me if she's doing it. When she goes super-Christian on the kids is when it starts to bug me. They don't need to listen to Christian music and watch Christian cartoons and read Christian books all day long. If she's reading lots of stuff, go for it, but leave the kids out of it.

 

Of course, those who do realize that the same things are claimed by people of other faiths often try to rationalize it away by saying that the others are deluded and/or satan is performing miracles to deceive them. Yet the people of other religions believe similar things about those outside of their particular faith. The argument is a cheap shot that anyone can make, and they have absolutely zero proof for it.

 

My wife pulls this crap all the time. Claims that mormons are deceived when they ask people if they feel something in their hearts when they read the book of mormon, but claims that she feels the HS when she prays/sings/reads. *barf*

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Interesting thread here. I've been married 28 years to a man I met in a mission organization. Our whole life, direction, decisions were completely based on what we perceived as 'god's will' through prayer and 'waiting on god'. I started having doubts about 5 years ago after our sons started going to university and asking the big questions as well as questioning us as to why we weren't 'open' to other ideas about the earth, it's age etc... I was hurt at first, thought that the evil 'world' was pulling them away from us but then as I thought about it I realized they were right. I wasn't open to other ideas! That's when I dug in to find the real truth behind where we got the bible, the basis of our faith and what I based my life on (or as I interpreted it). I also had a good friend who is agnostic who challenged my beliefs. I decided I'd get the answers all the time thinking that they would prove the bible was true and God's word. Of course, you know what happened -- as in every other testimony here, I became convinced with proof alright but not on the God/Bible side of things rather the 'worlds truth'. all that to say that in the begining of my search I said to my husband, " If I decide to not be a christian anymore, will you still want to be married to me?" He hesitated but then said it would put a strain on our marriage but he loved me and of course would want to stay married tome... that actually gave me comfort to pursue my search further. Over these past 4 years he has also stopped going to church altho he tells people it's because of the politics not because he has stopped beliveing in god or the bible. He still prays over our meals, reads his bible and still clings to the 'young earth' creation beliefs so we really just don't discuss our beliefs ... it seems there's an elephant in the room actually and I don't feel free to be open and honest about where I'm really at. I think he also thinks I'm in a mid life crisis and it will pass however, he also sees that I really haven't changed that much. I'm still 'me' with the same strengths, weaknesses, talents etc. Because he has very rarely asked me what my current status is, I just don't bring it up and neither does he unless we're with past friends who are christians. I find this frustrating. I want to speak up but I think they all assume I'm still where he is and I am just uncomfortable stirring the pot. He's a great guy really. Very supportive of me and my interests. We are the best of friends but it is hard to avoid this subject as I 'd like to have intelligent conversation about my world view now but he becomes defensive when I touch his 'holy cow'. Wish I was more courageous and didn't care so much about rejection.

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I find this frustrating. I want to speak up but I think they all assume I'm still where he is and I am just uncomfortable stirring the pot. He's a great guy really. Very supportive of me and my interests. We are the best of friends but it is hard to avoid this subject as I 'd like to have intelligent conversation about my world view now but he becomes defensive when I touch his 'holy cow'. Wish I was more courageous and didn't care so much about rejection.

 

I happen to think that you need to be honest with your husband. However, the time and circumstances for doing that are up to you, and it should be when you are ready to do so. If you're anything like me, not telling your spouse will continue to eat away at you until you can't take it anymore.

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Hi Journey! It's a difficult process to go through altogether. I deconverted about a year before I told my wife of 10 years, for fear of her leaving me. I feel great now that I've told her, but I can't say that it's easy for her. I still do all the church stuff with her, but I want to avoid leading her on at the same time, because I am NEVER going back short of the lawd materializing and telling me I'm wrong.

 

Your husband may be willing to have a conversation with you, but you really can't argue with magic, which is really their answer for everything. My wife talked to our pastor at church, and even he said the Earth is likely very old and evolution is likely real, and she still sticks to her beliefs. If he's open to talking, great, if not, good luck. My wife and I have agreed to disagree and for the most part things are just fine.

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My marriage is worse for the wear. We can't even talk about it. We get along day to day, but it is always just below the surface. I feel bitter and insecure because he still takes the kids to church. I dunno. Blah blah blah...time will tell.

*sigh*

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Due to the fact I was a Sunday school teacher and Elder my wife has been a witness to my evolution because it was evident in my teaching. I readily pointed out the inconsistencies and contradictions in scripture when I taught a class. I suppose the final straw was my public teaching on homosexuality and my belief it was time for the church to rethink their blanket condemnation of homosexuals.

 

I noted that it was my opinion that if homosexuality was a sin then it was God’s problem not mine or any other believer’s. That statement predictably didn’t go over well. After class one of the men pulled me out of service and asked me to go to the church office with him. His face was scarlet and he could barely speak he was so angry. He put his fist in my face and began to scream at me. I’d relate what he said but it was mostly incoherent. I eventually got him calmed down to the point I felt like he wasn’t going to physically attack me. It took awhile before we got to the point we could agree to disagree, but that incident motived me to begin to rethink my “faith” and why I was identifying with Christianity. My wife and I had always been hard core fundamentalist but I’d been drifting away from much of that thinking for some time before the incident.

 

I began having my wife order books for me from Amazon written by decidedly liberal theologians. I had her order the books because she had a business account with them that gave her free shipping. By ordering the books she became familiar with the authors, the titles, and at least a cursory familiarity with the contents. I didn’t just read the material I studied it much like I was preparing to teach a course on it. I underlined and highlighted relevant sections and left the books out so they would be accessible when I wasn’t around.

 

I would occasionally ask her to read some passage that I thought was particularly relevant. A few weeks after the incident I resigned from both leadership and teaching. I continued to obtain more reading material while making a clear and intentional disconnect from church activities. I stopped attending Sunday school and then exited our small group meeting on Sunday evening. I still attend Sunday morning services with her though. Our church friends have to be aware that I’ve changed but no one has asked anything, at least they haven’t asked me.

 

After ordering the book, Born Again Deist by Dr. Beth Houston, my wife asked me if I still believed in Jesus. I told her I did not. Then she asked me if I still believed in God and I told her not the God of the Bible but I remain open to the possibility there is more to our reality than we can positively identify. And that is where we are. She recently noted that she had looked up the definition of Deist because wasn’t familiar with the term. I explained that Deism doesn’t have a static definition. It basically means whatever the individual Deist envisions it to mean.

 

I haven’t put any pressure on her to change her beliefs nor have I challenged her beliefs. I’m okay with her being a Christian and she appears to be okay with me being a Deist.

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After what was probably the best day that we've had since I broke the news to my wife, today was a disaster. We came to an agreement that we wouldn't let the family in our on dilemma. mainly her family since they have big mouths and the cats out of the bag once you tell them. So in the car on the way home from church I give a small, provoked rant which she gets upset over. Once we get home she slips outside with out my knowing. As I find her in the garage on the phone, I hear a knock at the door. Its her dad. She said she couldn't think of who to call since she is going through so much so she called him and just broke down on the phone. I got the inevitable I've been through that phase and the never were originally saved comment which pissed me off. We had a long unproductive talk and after he left she apologized. So here I am pissed that happened and my team just gave up another touchdown. Also we almost called him a few weeks ago and decided not to because of how her family handles things. We slept on it and woke up thankful that we didn't make the decision to call and then she can sneak off and spill the beans behind my back to him. So I sent a letter to my pastor to withdraw my church membership. It was kind of out of anger since if we are going to take knee jerk reactions and make rash decisions, there are a few of those that I could do. If you read my blog ive said that he was the one person I couldn't tell. Since he knows no I really don't care anymore even though he says it will stay between us. Either way I'm moving forward with my new life a little bit faster now.

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Well, it happened a lot earlier than you'd expected, RR, but at least it's movement, I guess. I'm also sad and frustrated that she chose to do something that destructive but at least some good can come of it.

 

Geezer, I'm really feeling heartened to hear what you've experienced. A mixed marriage doesn't have to be contentious and dramatic. You're giving her space, she's giving you space, you both sound respectful of each other, and you've learned to pick your battles--and are aware that your religious differences don't have to BE a battle. (I just re-read your extimony and it really gives a lot of depth to what you've written here, thank you for posting it.) Congrats to you both and here's to a happy 50th a few years from now :)

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Ouch, RR. I'm sorry that your wife feels she needs to call in reinforcements like that by calling her Dad. I hope that the two of you can find a way to work this out.

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Time to rip that band-aid off, RR.

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RR, McDaddy took the words out of my mouth... it's too bad that this is happening now and not within your control, but I don't know if there's ever a good time. Wishing you the very best through these tough times...

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Sorry, bro. Try not to be too rash.

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Sorry, bro. Try not to be too rash.

I am trying but it did give a boost to some of the things that I was postponing. And I am dying to be a "somewhat" open non-believer. Example, I dont plan on announcing on facebook Im atheist but I certainly dont mind mocking some of the teachings in a post from time to time. So its probably best that the ball is rolling so I can move on.

 

Funny thing is F.I.L. and I are very much alike. He actually helped me strengthen arguments against Mormonism and JW. Next time I see him I'll tell him to simply apply that "outsiders test for faith" for christianity. He would at least see the problem I've run into and that no one can get around. Its not fair to dismiss other religions because they arent airtight but thing cling to your own which has just as many holes. He is not a hypocrite so I am interested to see what he comes up with 6 months from now. We'll see.

 

My wife was very apologetic and I've been relatively sensitive bc I understand and empathise with her. but I did reiterate the need to think things through first (ie If you know you break down easily, its probably not a good idea to call your parents immediately after you get upset). Inevitably last night we're were hit with 3 or 4 text messages and voicemails that said "praying for you and <insert random proverb here>".

 

FYI: The argument that started this all was over the tithe (most of you are aware that this was going to be our first month not tithing). You would have thought it wasn't even discussed beforehand when the collection plate came around. It was almost like talking to an evil twin. I guess the shock of actually going through with passing the plate without wasting any money set it for her.

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So I just recently found ex-christian.net, in fact this is my first post, and I'm currently trying to build up the courage to tell my wife. We've been married 8 years and have 2 young children and though we've never really been practicing xtians she's starting to push harder for attending regular service because she wants the kids to be involved in church. It's hard for me to tell her that's exactly why I'm more against church than ever. She's not much for critical thinking, she's more of a creative, artistic type whereas I'm a pretty typical engineer, thinks he knows more than he does and puts a lot of emphasis on critical thinking. Having one left brain and one right brain in the marriage has really worked well up until now.

 

The problem is, when we talk church I try to rationalize and she turns to the "faith" type arguments. Everything is true because its written in the bible and the man at the pulpit said so. She thinks I'm just going through a rough patch in my beliefs but I'm planning to tell her in no uncertain terms that I'm an atheist. I'm just wondering, what's the best way to go about this with someone who is not really a critical thinker? I'm expecting a lot of arguments like I read here, talking about gut feelings and faith.

 

So any tips?

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Ive been exactly where you're at. Not too long ago either.

 

Just be honest. Id start with saying that science has proven that there never was an "Adam and Eve", and you have to have that or else the whole Xian story falls apart at the seams.

 

JMHO.

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Chipper - ask her to define faith. Write it down...it will be something like "believing without evidence, just believing".

 

Then ask her why that's a good thing. Does she apply the same standards to other supernatural things, such as the invisible purple unicorn and Sasquatch? Why should you or anyone else use a lower standard of intellectual integrity for this particular supernatural entity than for any other area of your life?

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So I just recently found ex-christian.net, in fact this is my first post, and I'm currently trying to build up the courage to tell my wife. We've been married 8 years and have 2 young children and though we've never really been practicing xtians she's starting to push harder for attending regular service because she wants the kids to be involved in church. It's hard for me to tell her that's exactly why I'm more against church than ever. She's not much for critical thinking, she's more of a creative, artistic type whereas I'm a pretty typical engineer, thinks he knows more than he does and puts a lot of emphasis on critical thinking. Having one left brain and one right brain in the marriage has really worked well up until now.

 

The problem is, when we talk church I try to rationalize and she turns to the "faith" type arguments. Everything is true because its written in the bible and the man at the pulpit said so. She thinks I'm just going through a rough patch in my beliefs but I'm planning to tell her in no uncertain terms that I'm an atheist. I'm just wondering, what's the best way to go about this with someone who is not really a critical thinker? I'm expecting a lot of arguments like I read here, talking about gut feelings and faith.

 

So any tips?

 

Hey you'd be surprised how many of us are in that same position. Pull up a chair and get comfortable. Would you mind taking a quick poll?

 

1. Did you get married as a christian?

2. Are you under 40?

3. Did you intend to raise your kids as christian before they got here?

4. Did you silently drift away from faith (no one knows)?

5. Do you now have to now vent frustration on the internet (alone) and learn about all the you missed as a xian on the internet since your wife doesn't care or know about any of it?

 

Every situation is different so do you mind opening up a new thread dedicated exclusively to your story so we can all jump in and get to know you. As a new member you really deserve you own thread anyways. I would hate for your story to get smothered among so many others and it was very theraputic for me to put my story up and have people encourage me.

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