Any Coming Out To Spouse Updates?

[roadrunner]

I remember there being a wave of us who came clean to our wives a few months ago T2M, ChurchSucks, Electech98, mac, etc. I was interest in seeing how things were going. I'll start.

 

From what Im able to infer, my wife still thinks Im in a spiritual slump. I still do go to church though Im not involved anymore. My wife gets angry/sad/bitter every time we bring up religion. Then has the nerve to blame it on me. Not to pin it on her but I really think she is just frustated that shes not getting through to me. I'll send her videos on youtube about people falling around, babies feeling the spirit, faith healing, and other charismatic nonsense. And she agrees. I think its making somewhat of an impact as we've looked at tounges and she doesnt agree with it. I mentioned that a good friend of mine uses this as evidence of his faith. I then brought up the question to her, "if he's faking or mistaken, does that not at least imply that people can be mistaken". I got silence and later she went on about how it personal, what shes experienced in her life, etc.

 

My daughter just turned 4 and shes very vulnerable right now. Example is sid the science kid did an episode on dental hygeine now she terrified of sugar on her teeth and brushes 10 time a day. she learned about germs in school so she washed her hand at least once every hour. I told my wife that the way she is you need to stop saying "if i should die before i wake" at night with her. She agreed and we made up some other mindless junk. Though shes only 4 she mentioned god twice....both times out of context and with what i could tell was very limited knowledge on the subject. I would so love to pull them out of sunday school.

 

Socially, I have not told any co-workers or neighbors about my disbelief but I do jump in and make smart comments about religion if the situation calls for it. People know I joke around a lot so they probably brush it off and forget about it. I think my sister has told my mom about my unbelief because shes had christian rhetoric sent to my house. "Gods commands in Deuteronomy are still valid today in that its best to keep human waste away from everything. that command has stopped the spread of disease in this day"....SERIOUSLY.

 

I still have to come here as an "outlet". I have no faith left. I do not feel there is a supernatural. I am skeptic of everything. but I must admit, life make sense now.

 

Not very curious about a marriage that has been mixed for decades but mainly to hear how the spouses are taking/dealing with the recent news (past year or so). Has anyone been sucked back in? Anyone divorced yet? anyone come out of the closet to everyone?

[Thought2Much]

In my case, no news seems to be good news. If anything, my relationship with my wife has improved somewhat since I no longer have the black cloud of my secret apostasy hanging over my head. We haven't discussed religion since our big talk, but my wife isn't showing signs of being terribly resentful that I'm not going to church. Maybe she's just in denial, maybe she thinks it's just a phase, or maybe she thinks she can win me back. Whatever the case may be, on the surface, all seems well.

[Thought2Much]

Oh, and I haven't come out of the closet to everyone. Nor do I have any plans to. I don't see much of a point in it, to be honest. I don't give a crap what my in-laws think about my lack of belief, and I don't have any desire to argue with my Facebook friends about it, either.

 

I do wish I had some people in real life I could talk to, though. I feel pretty isolated a lot of the time.

[mcdaddy]

I just had a real good discussion with the wife today after she thought I took the communion handed to me, then just sat it down and didn't eat/drink it. She was pissed/sad. I actually did take it real fast after I got it (she didn't notice it). I was just like, oh well, wtf, down the hatch!). I told her I did take it but only because it was shoved in my face (not those exact words).

 

Anyways after some discussion, I'm officially an agnostic to her. I'm not going to use the word atheist for many reasons, the biggest one is I don't want to offend her because I love her and it would be like calling her retarded and deluded and whatever else. So she accepts that and we're basically cool.

[TrueFreedom]

Some of the blame and anger could be that you are breaking her spell. I got a lot of blame and frustration directed at me for a while after initially opening up to my wife, but I think some of that was her own frustration in suspecting that I was probably right. She came around eventually, but it was traumatic, and she still wouldn't ever wish that experience on anyone else. She would rather lie and tell people that she is a Christian, that she is praying for them, etc.

[roadrunner]

I think so too. My wife has really lost all interest in history of religious material where she once seems to at least care a little. I haven't told her "i think you are delusional" or "you know that there is no such thing as god right". I am just trying to encourage thinking. and she admits that she doesn't have all the answers. She is reading books on praying for a spouse etc. I think thre is very little progress if any. I do need to stop going to church. the first sunday I called myself atheist to myself I took communion so I was supposed to die from what i was taught. I'm still here by the way. but we've always done things as a family and I dont want to sit home while they go to church. Then there will be a pouring out of sympathy and concern and people lifting her up which may have the opposite effect of what Im looking for. I would much rather my wife decide that this is crap and we all stop going together. we have a very tight knit relationship, one bank account, no secrets, everything is on the table and I like that it helps to be on the same page. but this is so dramatic of a difference I dont want it to get in the way. If anything, I think she sees that I didnt turn evil. Ive caught her staring at me smiling while Im playing with the kids......you don't smile when that happens because atheist wants to secretly eat the kids.

 

she says that I get an attitude when I bring up religion but I don'. Ive heard people say that when something is offensive it can come off as having been said out of anger or with an angry temper. I dont want to deconvert her.....but I do want to deconvert her. I dont like tithing and I always try to weasel our way out of it. LIke "didnt we already paid it?" or "you know we're going on vaction that money could be used there". anything to get out of wasting our money.

[TrueFreedom]

I think saying anything that doesn't support her religious belief may come across as spite. Just do the best that you can to be sensitive and use a loving tone.

 

I would try to figure out a way to stop tithing to the church--at least redirect the funds. We still support World Vision kids and pitch in to help with disaster relief.

[Positivist]

Well, I am somewhat unequally yoked in my marriage but things are improving in that department. My hubby was never a charismaniac (just a charismatic) and he has always been a skeptic, but still of the fundagelical ilk.

 

Anyhow, a few months ago my hubby became suddenly and severely ill. He is uber-healthy, an athlete, skinny, eats well, great coping mechanisms, no hidden trauma, etc, so this illness came out of nowhere...and he was utterly devastated by it. Specialists were left scratching their heads after repeated labs and examinations could not lead to a diagnosis. My husband at one point looked at me in despair, as he lay languishing on the sofa, and said, "I kinda see what you mean now..." in that God is noticeably absent in our greatest time of need.

 

Anyhow, it has been one hell of summer. He was even hospitalized at one point, and still lacked a diagnosis, so the specialists were treating him symptomatically, which was not helping much. Well, I got fed up with the specialists' head scratching and took matters into my own hands, and have now found a new diagnostic theory and have established (with our physician) a new treatment regimen. This new regimen is working!!!!! My husband is well on his way to recovery, thanks to my diagnosis. (And no, God didn't give us a heads up about this or about what to do....just sayin'...)

 

Interestingly this illness has challenged his already tattered faith and he was disappointed that god did nothing to help him in his time of need. It was difficult for me to watch as the last vestiges of faith were being sucked out of him.

[Guest ThereIsNoGod]

Well, I am somewhat unequally yoked in my marriage but things are improving in that department. My hubby was never a charismaniac (just a charismatic) and he has always been a skeptic, but still of the fundagelical ilk.

 

Anyhow, a few months ago my hubby became suddenly and severely ill. He is uber-healthy, an athlete, skinny, eats well, great coping mechanisms, no hidden trauma, etc, so this illness came out of nowhere...and he was utterly devastated by it. Specialists were left scratching their heads after repeated labs and examinations could not lead to a diagnosis. My husband at one point looked at me in despair, as he lay languishing on the sofa, and said, "I kinda see what you mean now..." in that God is noticeably absent in our greatest time of need.

 

Anyhow, it has been one hell of summer. He was even hospitalized at one point, and still lacked a diagnosis, so the specialists were treating him symptomatically, which was not helping much. Well, I got fed up with the specialists' head scratching and took matters into my own hands, and have now found a new diagnostic theory and have established (with our physician) a new treatment regimen. This new regimen is working!!!!! My husband is well on his way to recovery, thanks to my diagnosis. (And no, God didn't give us a heads up about this or about what to do....just sayin'...)

 

Interestingly this illness has challenged his already tattered faith and he was disappointed that god did nothing to help him in his time of need. It was difficult for me to watch as the last vestiges of faith were being sucked out of him.

 

Wow. Sad, but frankly quite inspirational. He learned to doubt his faith and you managed to find a treatment that wasn't "God".

[GardenerGal]

We've always had a good marriage, but sharing my unbelief has made us stronger now that I don't feel so torn in two all the time. By accepting myself I can accept him much better. The hard part of doubting an afterlife is the sting in death, and that realization has also made me want to love him that much more.

[Wings]

We've always had a good marriage, but sharing my unbelief has made us stronger now that I don't feel so torn in two all the time. By accepting myself I can accept him much better. The hard part of doubting an afterlife is the sting in death, and that realization has also made me want to love him that much more.

 

Aww, that's really awesome!! Is he also an ex-c or still going to church?

[GardenerGal]

We've always had a good marriage, but sharing my unbelief has made us stronger now that I don't feel so torn in two all the time. By accepting myself I can accept him much better. The hard part of doubting an afterlife is the sting in death, and that realization has also made me want to love him that much more.

 

Aww, that's really awesome!! Is he also an ex-c or still going to church?

 

Not an ex-c, but doesn't go to church. He is a bit protective and doesn't want other people asking where I am and perhaps judging me for not going anymore.

[Positivist]

I got fed up with the specialists' head scratching and took matters into my own hands, and have now found a new diagnostic theory and have established (with our physician) a new treatment regimen. This new regimen is working!!!!! My husband is well on his way to recovery, thanks to my diagnosis. (And no, God didn't give us a heads up about this or about what to do....just sayin'...)

Wow. Sad, but frankly quite inspirational. He learned to doubt his faith and you managed to find a treatment that wasn't "God".

So help me dog, if someone says to me, "Wow, the Lord really helped you guys find a diagnosis". I will say, "No, Ovid Technologies did."

 

Fuck that.

[electech98]

I don't have a lot to update you guys with. I wish there was movement in either direction with my wife, but for a while now the whole topic hasn't really come up. We're just floating along in a somewhat strained silence. Not the most healthy way to do a marriage, for sure.

[GardenerGal]

I think saying anything that doesn't support her religious belief may come across as spite. Just do the best that you can to be sensitive and use a loving tone.

 

I would try to figure out a way to stop tithing to the church--at least redirect the funds. We still support World Vision kids and pitch in to help with disaster relief.

 

That's our approach, too.

[roadrunner]

I think saying anything that doesn't support her religious belief may come across as spite. Just do the best that you can to be sensitive and use a loving tone.

 

I would try to figure out a way to stop tithing to the church--at least redirect the funds. We still support World Vision kids and pitch in to help with disaster relief.

 

That's our approach, too.

 

its not working so far. I a still having to compete with the whole what u know to be true in your life argument. We had another talk today that didn't go well. We brought up young earth and she said "I don't care how old the earth is. I don't need facts" end of story as far as I'm concerned. I care about fact. It matters to me if I'm wrong about something. Though thats not why she said that's the idea behind it. I'm very much a science guy and she's the emotional experience type so she's shut off to all reason

[TrueFreedom]

I think saying anything that doesn't support her religious belief may come across as spite. Just do the best that you can to be sensitive and use a loving tone.

 

I would try to figure out a way to stop tithing to the church--at least redirect the funds. We still support World Vision kids and pitch in to help with disaster relief.

 

That's our approach, too.

 

its not working so far. I a still having to compete with the whole what u know to be true in your life argument. We had another talk today that didn't go well. We brought up young earth and she said "I don't care how old the earth is. I don't need facts" end of story as far as I'm concerned. I care about fact. It matters to me if I'm wrong about something. Though thats not why she said that's the idea behind it. I'm very much a science guy and she's the emotional experience type so she's shut off to all reason

 

I'm sorry to hear that, RR. I guess it's up to you to decide how important it is for you to control where your money goes (as well as what your kids are taught, whether or not you want to stay married to a wife who thinks that way, etc.). I hope that you two can establish some decent common ground and reasonable (uh oh--there's that word again) boundaries.

[Thought2Much]

Interestingly this illness has challenged his already tattered faith and he was disappointed that god did nothing to help him in his time of need. It was difficult for me to watch as the last vestiges of faith were being sucked out of him.

 

I'm sorry your husband went through a harrowing illness, but I'm glad that it's woken him up a bit. Here's hoping for more movement in that direction.

 

its not working so far. I a still having to compete with the whole what u know to be true in your life argument. We had another talk today that didn't go well. We brought up young earth and she said "I don't care how old the earth is. I don't need facts" end of story as far as I'm concerned. I care about fact. It matters to me if I'm wrong about something. Though thats not why she said that's the idea behind it. I'm very much a science guy and she's the emotional experience type so she's shut off to all reason

 

I'm also sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, by very definition, it is impossible to reason with someone who's unreasonable. I wish I could say I know of a way to work through that.

[2Honest]

Interestingly this illness has challenged his already tattered faith and he was disappointed that god did nothing to help him in his time of need. It was difficult for me to watch as the last vestiges of faith were being sucked out of him.

 

Wow, I can so relate to what happened to your husband. I'm really sorry to hear of his illness. I'm glad you were able to figure out what's going on. Sometimes we do have to take matters into our own hands with that stuff. I'm sure your husband will come out of this just fine, especially since he has you.

[Positivist]

Interestingly this illness has challenged his already tattered faith and he was disappointed that god did nothing to help him in his time of need. It was difficult for me to watch as the last vestiges of faith were being sucked out of him.

 

Wow, I can so relate to what happened to your husband. I'm really sorry to hear of his illness. I'm glad you were able to figure out what's going on. Sometimes we do have to make matters into our own hands with that stuff.

Yup, there's nothing like being left high and dry by God. Things really start to sink in then!

[roadrunner]

during out talk when we got deep into the conversation she said.

"I know I've experienced miracl...." she stopped and there was a silence.

I said : "miracles? tell me what kinds? I need to know these sort of things.

her: "you wouldn't consider them miracles. but i know them to be that way"

At this point I was ready to lay out the definition of a miracle and have her think about a real miracle vs. what is a miracle to her.

 

when you drop the bar SO LOW for god its easy to meet that standard, there is no way to reason. this is why it was so easy for me to take this path. I was "close enough" to god to know that something wasnt right when i didnt sense him. on a 1-10 scale if 1 is kinda sorta caring about god and 10 is fanatic shes probably a 7. From what I see its easier for a 10 to reason out of delusion because they have more "experiences" to use for litmus tests providing they havent gone completely nuts. I was probably a 9. I had very lofty expectation for god and when he didnt meet them i knew there was a problem.

 

She sees people die all the time. sees them go from bad report, to good report, to give god the glory, to obituary and never says anything about why god faked them out. she has a BS meter because weve mocked the pentecostal folk together and she doesnt believe in faith healing, jumping around foolishly, talking in tongues, etc. Shes such a safe distance from god its difficult to reason with her. SO I came up with a plan.

 

PLAN: Have her go through a testimony of god answering questions. Together with her, list a gripe, concern, question, or inconsistency about christianity that really bothers her and pursue the answer together. then she can see teh variation, bias, and pure inconsistency that the bible has to offer. I dont agree with a lot of the methods Ive heard for converting people but if there is one thing I remember having an impact, it was when I began to doubt that bible was the infallible word of dog. then I'll just let reason work its magic. I'm sorry but I can stand to see that crap pushed in to my kids heads. I dont want them to be widgets. If they do become christians i want them to reason into it not blindly jump on the bandwagon (would never happen but you know).

 

AM I the only one secretly trying to deconvert a spouse. This wasnt always the case but i cant take it anymore.

[mcdaddy]

You can't reason INTO xianity. Only out.

 

So your kids will be fine as long as they're reasoning.

 

I dont try to deconvert. I honestly don't give a fuck anymore. She likes to raise her hands one morning a week, I don't GAF. she doesn't even ask me to pray at meals anymore. She knows I've researched the FUCK out of it and don't "really" buy into it anymore. She knows not to actually discuss it, bc she knows where that road would eventually lead. She loves her Jesus, she doesn't try to push his cock in other peoples faces. Whatever.

[darwinfish]

Things are at a stand still with me and my wife. We just don't talk about it. I stopped going to my Recovering from Religion meetings because every time I came back she'd make me give a word for word account of the meeting, and I didn't want to feel like I'm being interrogated anymore. I still go to church, I don't say anything to my kids about not believing, and I've decided not to come out to my friends because I don't want anymore stress in my life. This forum is my only outlet to communicate with other non believers.

 

I just had a real good discussion with the wife today after she thought I took the communion handed to me, then just sat it down and didn't eat/drink it. She was pissed/sad. I actually did take it real fast after I got it (she didn't notice it). I was just like, oh well, wtf, down the hatch!). I told her I did take it but only because it was shoved in my face (not those exact words).

 

At my church we do communion every week. At first I would refuse communion, but that caused a deacon to have an hour long talk with me. So, now I accept it and throw it away when I have an opportunity. I sort of feel like taking it is lying, but I don't need everyone at my church confronting me.

[mcdaddy]

Things are at a stand still with me and my wife. We just don't talk about it. I stopped going to my Recovering from Religion meetings because every time I came back she'd make me give a word for word account of the meeting, and I didn't want to feel like I'm being interrogated anymore. I still go to church, I don't say anything to my kids about not believing, and I've decided not to come out to my friends because I don't want anymore stress in my life. This forum is my only outlet to communicate with other non believers.

 

I just had a real good discussion with the wife today after she thought I took the communion handed to me, then just sat it down and didn't eat/drink it. She was pissed/sad. I actually did take it real fast after I got it (she didn't notice it). I was just like, oh well, wtf, down the hatch!). I told her I did take it but only because it was shoved in my face (not those exact words).

 

At my church we do communion every week. At first I would refuse communion, but that caused a deacon to have an hour long talk with me. So, now I accept it and throw it away when I have an importunity. I sort of feel like taking it is lying, but I don't need everyone at my church confronting me.

 

It's THEIR bullshit detector to see if you're really in the cult.

 

Smart bastards.

[roadrunner]

you heathens cant take communion. See? “He that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself…” I ate mine twice since deconverting since I love so much to spend the rest of the day finishing off bits of the stale cracker that free themselves from my teeth.

 

 

 

Funny story (to me): my mom played the organ when I was young so i had free reign to go where ever i wanted in the church I remember opening the door beside the stage and saw Brother Brockman pouring WELCH'S into the cups. So them the sacred cup fell from Sacred Wine---> Plain old grape juice. I never saw it the same way but still thought the act of drinking was sacred. LOL.

 

@mac I didnt set out to try to deconvert but I cant take it anymore this is stupid. 10% of my check. shes making my kids bow their heads and ramble mindless nonsense before they eat. her and my sister are really close so she calls for updates and I can tell from the wifes half of the conversation that its about me. ANNOYING. Not to mention that I would like to start or join an organization eventually and that would be difficult with a wife that thinks that the earth is 6000 years old....or excuse me, who doesn't care how old the earth is.

 

as for the kids. I don't let anything slip past the 4 year old. Shes already inquisitive so i embrace it. When she asks something we look it up, go confirm it outside, there is no god anywhere in my answers. I dont pray with the kids and I dislike sunday school telling them that god is watching them. My only hope is that the inquisitive mentality Im embracing in her sticks. I always say "thats make-believe" or "can that really happen?" and shes good at spotting bs. I can only hope that it stays that way.