Kurari Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Oh Dhamp...I'm so sorry. *hugs* Please don't beat yourself up. If it didn't occur to you, it didn't occur to you. You didn't know when or how things were going to happen. And right now, all this is serving is to harm yourself. Guilt is the most useless emotion we have. Oftentimes, it is used as an outlet for grief because it distracts your mind from the feelings of total helplessness and intense sorrow. At least if you can think on this and beat yourself up over it, it gives some semblance of control. It's not your fault. Please don't allow guilt to harm you on top of the pain you're already in. My deepest sympathies and well wishes are with you and your family right now. You're in my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeelHappy Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 A little over 6 months ago I was awakened to the news that my brother died. By far the hardest thing I've ever went through. If I knew something was going to happen I would have called him over and over, I would have made time to visit him more (he recently moved 4 hours away), I surely would have done something. The thing is we don't know, embrace the good times, remember all the times you did get to talk to her, think about all the great times you had together, but don't beat yourself up for not calling, you had no way to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 My condolences, D. I can't imagine losing a sibling, especially prematurely. When my grandma was dying, I made the decision to take a later flight instead of flying out that very day. She died hours before I even got on the plane. I asked the caregivers to keep her body there so that I could say good bye and apologize for not seeing her in person one last time. So, the body lay there another 12 hours as I traveled. I recall feeling horribly guilty for making the (in retrospect seemingly) poor decision to delay my departure time. However, I had to have grace for myself as these circumstances cannot be foreseen. When I arrived I locked myself in her room and just bawled my eyes out and apologized to her. I know she probably would have said something sarcastic or say, with regards to my hasty travel to see her corpse, "Now whaddja do that for?" This from someone who wanted her cremated remains unceremoniously kept in a used peanut butter jar. Media vita in morte sumus. Though in the midst of life we be, death surrounds us. Be at peace! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddbird1963 Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I'm so sorry about the loss of your sister. Please try not to beat up on yourself. You were in a prolonged state of dealing with a sick loved one. People try to find some kind of normal in that situation and you thought things were more or less normal and you'd get a chance to talk to her later. It just didn't happen that way. Give yourself some slack. My heart grieves with you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Dhamp, there are no words adequate at this time. I'll just echo what others have said in that this community loves and supports you and we feel your pain as well as we know how. Our thoughts are with you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 Dhampir, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. If it helps at all, I lived with my mom toward the end of her life, was with her 24/7 at the end, and I still bear regrets for not saying this or that before she died. No matter how much contact I'd had, though, I suspect I'd still feel regretful for not having had more. Regret is part of grief. There always feels like more that could have been done or said, especially when the illness was protracted. Oddbird hit the nail on its head; that's exactly what happened to me. My condolences go to you and your family. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dhampir Posted July 23, 2012 Author Share Posted July 23, 2012 I feel I should clarify. Unlike with my father, who I just didn't say I love you to at the last moment, my sister knew enough about how I am to know that's not necessary. I didn't have to say I love you, just, anything at all, really. It's not guilt in the way you suspect. What kills me is that who I am has once again deprived me, ME, of an opportunity to do something of value. And like I said at the hospital, if I didn't learn that lesson with my Dad, it's never going to happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith666 Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 I'm so sorry....peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeryBerry Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 My deepest sympathy! I am so sorry about your sister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wings Posted July 23, 2012 Share Posted July 23, 2012 HI Dhamp, my warmest hugs and deepest condolences your way! Hope you can treasure the good memories and let go of that guilt... it sounds like your sister knew how much you loved her. Thinking of you.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 May peace surround you like a comforting hug.Sorry for your loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Xtech Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 So sorry to hear this. I wish you peace and love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edie Posted July 24, 2012 Share Posted July 24, 2012 Dhampir, I'm very sorry. I lost my brother just over a year ago and life is getting a lot better again now. It's very normal to feel guilty in bereavement. Even if you haven't done anything wrong, as you have not, your brain will find a way to make you feel guilty. But it does pass, as will the shock and disbelief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dhampir Posted July 29, 2012 Author Share Posted July 29, 2012 Had the viewing earlier. Saw the body. She looked like she would get right up any second. My mind saw her eyelids move, and breathing. I am terrified to have to endure the funeral Monday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
London Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 It's always hard. No matter what frame of mind we are in. Cry. Just cry and don't care where or when. No one's opinion matters. Crying is not the solution but it is a part of the healing. I hate funerals. I only go for immediate family and really special exceptions, although I can't remember any of those exceptions. I still hate funerals. Funerals usually just make people more sad. I always try to remember all the good things about the person. I would rather honor the person by sharing all the good things they did and how they touched our lives. It takes a long time to process everything and a very long time to heal. Give yourself permission to just feel sad, it's normal. < hug > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Hugs, Dhampir... deepest condolences. Just get through it, and past it, and shoulder on. You will be okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hereticzero Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 My condolences to you and your family. I felt similar when my grandfather passed away--I could have called more, then years later when my mother died--I could have visited more, then my brother. We always believe we have one more day to live, one more day to speak to each other, one more day to say things that go unsaid. It is very hard not to feel guilty but don't let those feelings eat you up inside. My brother had early stages of senile disorder due to diabetes--believe it or not, too many times in and out of comas and brain damage. He would call me many times a week and read to me every page of the latest catalog he got in the mail--all of the catalogs--usually catalogs of musical instruments, he played none, or the latest Cabela's catalog, back in the day when he had all his marbles he was an avid outdoorsman and we spent many hunting seasons together, usually not getting our ticket filled but we still had fun camping and chasing elk up and down the hills of Wyoming. I listened to him when he called, it was irritating but I listened to what the latest sales were page after page after page. Now that he is gone, I miss those crazy phone calls. The hurt and guilty feelings you may have you will learn to live with. You may not think so now but we are stronger people than we think we are and often those we never forgive are ourselves because we judge ourselves too harshly. Life is cruel and unjust and our happiness is achieved mostly by how we treat ourselves, not by how other treat us. My point is, don't be too hard on yourself and imagining what might have been had you done this or done that because in the end the results would still have been the same. It was her time to go. If we beat ourselves up, we will spend the rest of our lives in misery over what might have been different. You are not a bad person, don't treat yourself like one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShackledNoMore Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Dhampir, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Condolences Dh... kL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnaNymity Posted July 30, 2012 Share Posted July 30, 2012 Dhampir, I am so sorry for your loss! But, I must also say just how honored I am, to know a brother that cares about his sister so much. I have six brothers, only three of whom I have ever even met, and three that don't even wish to ever meet me at all. You were both so lucky to have each other; so, even though it's difficult, can you try not to focus on anything other than the time that you had with her, and how much you loved her? Just reading about your concern for her happiness and welfare, makes me feel like the world is a better place, and lightens my heart--so thank you! Stay strong, and be proud of how hard you tried! <hugs> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dhampir Posted July 31, 2012 Author Share Posted July 31, 2012 The funeral is done. I don't know whether feel better or worse. Just knowing that things will change as much for ill as good makes me uneasy, now that the formalities have been dispensed with, and I can think ahead. I mustered up the courage to say a few words about her, impromptu. I felt I owed her that much, and as she was a person who probably didn't know the meaning of restraint when it came to acting on decisions, I feel (and said as much) that that's probably what she'd have done were the roles reversed. Also, I was finally able to have a decent cry. Of course, I was in a church, so I had to endure a sermon, followed by a 10 minute altar call. I have to hand it to my former pastor, he's very moving when he's sermonizing. I must have missed something years ago, although I always enjoyed hearing him preach. I wasn't, of course, moved to accept Christ, but I can see more clearly now, how that can happen so easily. Given that it was a church, and practically every one there was a professing or at least nominal christian, I would not judge too harshly that sermonizing happened. I expected nothing less. Lastly, as I left my sister's house, after visiting and sharing stories about her, I find that a certain... Cold has set in. It is as though her absence is a palpable void. She was not only better equipped to lead this life, but better inclined, and motivated than I'll ever be. She had so much more to do, and to live for as well. Finally, there is the simple fact that she was here, and now she's not. I don't think I will be able to accept that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
London Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 It sounds like you handled things quite well under the circumstances. And the fact that you made it through the day is a very good thing. I've lost a lot of people in my life, related and not. Healing from each of those incidents takes time. It took years for me to heal from some of those deaths. But my point is, it's going to take some time. Don't make yourself feel bad in the healing process. Death sucks. I wish we had a trade-in program where we could submit a substitute in our loved ones place. There will be many days when you just hate the world and cry over and over. It's just part of grief. I hope tomorrow is a little less painful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edie Posted July 31, 2012 Share Posted July 31, 2012 I think that the funeral can mark a bit of a turning point. Your mind is no longer occupied by the upcoming funeral, and you have time to think things through more. It's probably only now that the grief really sets in. Accepting the reality of a loss is a long and painful process, but it's a necessary part of the process of recovering. I'm glad you managed to speak at the funeral. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted July 31, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 31, 2012 Cold has set in. It is as though her absence is a palpable void. She was not only better equipped to lead this life, but better inclined, and motivated than I'll ever be. She had so much more to do, and to live for as well. Finally, there is the simple fact that she was here, and now she's not. I don't think I will be able to accept that. Dhampir, These words you use - 'cold', 'void'......... I understand them. I want to encourage you, but I cannot tell a lie. Grief is very hard. It was for me anyway. My own sister's death impacted me for so long that I really thought someone took me out of my body and I was ......I didn't know who? Death and tragedy change who you are, how you think... I had to say hello to a new 'me' whether I liked it or not......the old 'Margee' was gone... and she never really came back. Never. My sisters death changed everything for me . I never really accepted my sister's death..I sort of accept it - but I still don't like it...even all these years later.... Time did not heal the pain for me.....I just got used to living on earth without her, so it dosen't 'sting' nearly as bad as it did a few years ago.. I am a different person today, because of her death...in a lot of ways, much stronger. I have the ability to laugh and talk freely about her today.....That is a good thing. If that's what they call 'healing over time' - I'll accept that. I have no choice but to accept the reality of life. It's a hard, cold fact. Peace over you as you face a new beginning without her. Live for her - that's what I do for my sister. I take her everywhere with me. Stay close to us if you don't have a lot of 'real' friends. It was recommended that I journal every step of the way. It turned into a 16 chapter book still collecting dust under my bed. Many nights, I sat at the kitchen table and wrote, wrote, and wrote until I couldn't keep my eyes open a second longer. It's ok that this 'book' is still under the bed - it's MY thoughts about how I made it through the death of my only sister. I have to say - it did help writing it out. I did a lot of crying over the unfairness of life.. So don't stop writing to us. We need you and you need us. As Alcoholic Anonomous says....we share our experiences, strength and hope with each other. This is also what EX-c is all about. Peace my dear friend and a huge hug for you tonight. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Margee hit the nail on the head. There's going to be a long time when you may feel really cold and emotionless. Hell, you'll probably feel a lot of things that are huge and overwhelming. And that's okay. You won't be feeling them alone. You've involuntarily joined a vast fraternity, "The Honorable and Benevolent Brotherhood of Them What Have Lost Family," and we've all been there. You'll know us when you see us: we're the blank-faced people slowly loading bucketloads of vases and flowers out of battered carts and into our cars at the hospital (I remember seeing this happen the morning my mother died and realizing that I'd seen this exact scenario half a dozen times without realizing what it meant until right then, until I was slowly pushing my own battered cart full of vases and flowers to my own car). Despite our numbers, though, grieving still comes slowly and with great struggle. I think long ago people handled things far more sensibly: mourning was shared, cathartic, and public. It's a lot harder to do it in bits and bytes on a computer or in fleeting grief groups, but Dhampir, we're still here, and some of us have walked this road before, even are still walking it, and can keep you company while you walk it. I wish I could say that I'm all happy-happy joy-joy again after losing my mother. I'm not. If grieving means "acceptance," fuck that, because my heart doesn't "accept" this completely unacceptable loss even ten years later. But I don't wake up every morning feeling like I've been gut-punched, and I can get through entire days without seeing something and going "wow, I should tell--oh." That's really as far as I've gotten, and I'm okay with that. There may be a lot of us on the road, but we all walk at our own pace. Be gentle with yourself, okay? Eat enough, sleep, get outside a little. The walk is a bit easier if you're not depriving yourself of what your body needs. My deepest sympathies go to you and your family. Please keep posting, if you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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