Akheia Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 When one considers one's spouse with compassion, one of course is moved to make the deconversion as gentle and as non-traumatic as possible for that spouse. But one is never going to be able to make it completely gentle or non-traumatic. At some point there's likely going to be some pain. I didn't give a shit what my Evil Ex thought by the time I deconverted; he was a pain in the ass, an increasingly controlling, manipulative, and, yes, unnervingly violent quantity that I was already making plans around escaping. But I couldn't say honestly that we ever had a strong or good marriage. Like most fundie couples, we had absolutely no business being together in a relationship; once the artificial prop of religion was removed, the house of cards collapsed. So I have never been in your shoes, and would not presume to tell you what to do or how to handle this situation. But I will say this: it sounds like you have something very different with your wife than I had with my Evil Ex. She is a lucky woman to have such a wonderful husband, and especially since she isn't particularly psycho with her faith I think you two have a good shot at resolving this hurdle and becoming even stronger together as a couple. Despite what the media and the Christian loudmouths want you to believe, mixed marriages between believers and non-believers often work out just fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 It does help that her father is agnostic, she has two atheist aunts on her father side, her mom remarried a jewish man after leaving her agnostic husband (yet is the most christian person in the family), and her step brother is gay... I'm hardly the first to cause waves. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 That's too bad. Take it from me, being a black sheep is kinda cool. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeelHappy Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I finally came to the conclusion that these loving christians would not abandon me for my lack of faith, especially when I could produce good reasons, and that lead to the situation above. I wouldn't count on it. Some but not all of these loving christians only want non christian friends when they can "witness" to them and otherwise they distance themselves from them. I wish it was different and hopefully for you it will be just don't get your hopes up too high. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 That's too bad. Take it from me, being a black sheep is kinda cool. Haha. Yeah. One of the aunts has been helpful in encouraging me when I sent her a message about my unbelief. My wife as always called them her "crazy" aunts, and said she doesn't really understand her father. Hopefully I can help bring her closer to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblueep Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I finally came to the conclusion that these loving christians would not abandon me for my lack of faith, especially when I could produce good reasons, and that lead to the situation above. I wouldn't count on it. Some but not all of these loving christians only want non christian friends when they can "witness" to them and otherwise they distance themselves from them. I wish it was different and hopefully for you it will be just don't get your hopes up too high. Unfortunately, I have to agree with FeelHappy. I was a part of a group of xians I considered to be very loving. Almost all have disappeared simply because of my thought crimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 I finally came to the conclusion that these loving christians would not abandon me for my lack of faith, especially when I could produce good reasons, and that lead to the situation above. I wouldn't count on it. Some but not all of these loving christians only want non christian friends when they can "witness" to them and otherwise they distance themselves from them. I wish it was different and hopefully for you it will be just don't get your hopes up too high. Unfortunately, I have to agree with FeelHappy. I was a part of a group of xians I considered to be very loving. Almost all have disappeared simply because of my thought crimes. I should amend that statement. I am now involved in a group of christians (my wife and her mother) whom I believe will not abandon me. I've found them to be more accepting than most christians. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kaiser01 Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I've been in your situation about seeing a theologian or minster before, and i promise you it wont be a cake walk. Being on EX-C you get the idea that all Christians are total morons but i promise you there are some that sound very convincing at first until you perform further study. I don't think your ready, you probably don't have as many counter apologetic arguments as you could. You must remember this man has spent his whole life convincing others of his religion, you will not be the first atheist he has encountered before. The best thing is to just avoid the confrontation at all cost at least until you feel versed enough to take him on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 I've been in your situation about seeing a theologian or minster before, and i promise you it wont be a cake walk. Being on EX-C you get the idea that all Christians are total morons but i promise you there are some that sound very convincing at first until you perform further study. I don't think your ready, you probably don't have as many counter apologetic arguments as you could. You must remember this man has spent his whole life convincing others of his religion, you will not be the first atheist he has encountered before. The best thing is to just avoid the confrontation at all cost at least until you feel versed enough to take him on. Yes. I refused to meet with him in person. That was off the table from the beginning. I knew I'd be at a disadvantage against a man whose life is devoted to this religion. So, my wife was trying to convince me to at least exchange emails with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I can commumincate with my wife, but I write better than I speak... to anyone. I'm much better with the written word, than the spoken. It wasn't because I feared to talk to her, but rather that I can fully formulate my thoughts in writing. She knows this, and knows when I write, rather than speak that I'm working through problems that are difficult for me. I'm the same. Much better at the written word than verbal. Nothing wrong with that. :-) More time to be precise and include important points. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 I'd really ask her what she's hoping to gain by your emailing the ex-pastor. Is she hoping he'll "set you straight"? If you do email the guy and remain ex-Christian, will she welcome your decision with open arms? If it doesn't end in your reconversion, will she magically accept that you did everything someone could be asked to do to justify their decision to another person (an action that is absurd in itself really; it's ultimately not not even your wife's business what you believe if you're not hurting anybody)? Or will she say your "heart was hard" or "you just weren't open to it"? If the answer is yes, she'd magically accept your deconversion, then why not just jump there now? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted July 27, 2012 Author Share Posted July 27, 2012 Akheia, you made me think of the line "Hard hearted harbinger of haggis" I'll continue to keep you all updated on how things go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eugene39 Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Hi Silentknight, Obviously I don't know the personality of your pastor. When it all fell apart for me, one of the assistant pastors thought that he could get me back by insulting my intelligence and telling me that I was smarter than to fall for unbelief, etc. However, the senior pastor was much more personable, but our last conversation did aggravate me for days because we ended it with him telling me that I just have to believe that Christianity is the truth. You have to take it by faith. Hebrews 11:1 says that faith is the evidence of things not seen, which that verse has taken on a whole new meaning now that I'm on the other side. As far as my wife goes, that's had its ups and downs. The main thing is to make sure to the best of your ability that you stay on top of keeping a healthy relationship, as that will speak volumes to her. Hope you enjoy your time here. Welcome to Ex-C. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carolorado Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Do not send the letter, do not talk to the pastor. The best cure is pure apathy. Learn it and use it as your shield against the people who won't accept reality. Peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raoul Posted July 27, 2012 Share Posted July 27, 2012 Do not send the letter, do not talk to the pastor. The best cure is pure apathy. Learn it and use it as your shield against the people who won't accept reality. Peace. this has to be the BEST advice given. Apathy and indifference - if it doesn't do anything else it will drive them crazy. LOL And, in a way, it's a dose of their own medicine. I mean, when they are trying to save souls (their term), you can hit them with any logical refutation and they will merely give some condenscending reply which is the same as apathy, isn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted July 28, 2012 Author Share Posted July 28, 2012 Well. Things just got a little harder... my wife suddenly started the cold shoulder today. I've been trying to show her I'm here and that I care and am the same person, but also give her space to think and process everything. She asked me earlier "What about our vows?" I replied that my vow to love her will never change and that I will never leave her. She didn't respond to that but we sat in silence together for awhile. She's now reading some of the material that was linked in my letter to her about why I cant believe in the Bible. She started doing so of her own choosing, so I hope that is a good sign. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted July 28, 2012 Author Share Posted July 28, 2012 The emotional stress is killing me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norton65ca Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 she is at least open to reading the material you linked, that in itself is a great sign. relax and give this some time. spend time with her and avoid spiritual conversations, but give her lots of room and space to digest this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted July 28, 2012 Author Share Posted July 28, 2012 Yes. Trying to remain positive. Just wish that not of stress in my stomach would go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted July 28, 2012 Moderator Share Posted July 28, 2012 I'm sure this is very difficult for her as well. Try to be patient and sensitive to her feelings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raoul Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Well. Things just got a little harder... my wife suddenly started the cold shoulder today. I've been trying to show her I'm here and that I care and am the same person, but also give her space to think and process everything. She asked me earlier "What about our vows?" I replied that my vow to love her will never change and that I will never leave her. She didn't respond to that but we sat in silence together for awhile. She's now reading some of the material that was linked in my letter to her about why I cant believe in the Bible. She started doing so of her own choosing, so I hope that is a good sign. I hope that 'unequal yoke' crap isn't affecting her. If she does say anything about that just remind her of what the writer continues with about 'if you are married to an unbeliever, stay with him, etc.' (a paraphrase). Also, the writer happened to be unmarried so he wasn't exactly prepared to offer real advice concerning this kind of marriage in the first place. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 Well. Things just got a little harder... my wife suddenly started the cold shoulder today. I've been trying to show her I'm here and that I care and am the same person, but also give her space to think and process everything. She asked me earlier "What about our vows?" I replied that my vow to love her will never change and that I will never leave her. She didn't respond to that but we sat in silence together for awhile. She's now reading some of the material that was linked in my letter to her about why I cant believe in the Bible. She started doing so of her own choosing, so I hope that is a good sign. I hope that 'unequal yoke' crap isn't affecting her. If she does say anything about that just remind her of what the writer continues with about 'if you are married to an unbeliever, stay with him, etc.' (a paraphrase). Also, the writer happened to be unmarried so he wasn't exactly prepared to offer real advice concerning this kind of marriage in the first place. That writer also seemed to just make shit up as he went along, but claimed that it was all "led by the spirit." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raoul Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 That writer also seemed to just make shit up as he went along, but claimed that it was all "led by the spirit." And I was led by the spirit to tell you that the writer I'm referring to is Paul. LOLI just hate quoting directly from the bible because it would make me a fundy I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 That writer also seemed to just make shit up as he went along, but claimed that it was all "led by the spirit." And I was led by the spirit to tell you that the writer I'm referring to is Paul. LOLI just hate quoting directly from the bible because it would make me a fundy I guess. And I was given a word of knowledge that it was Paul that you were talking about. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raoul Posted July 28, 2012 Share Posted July 28, 2012 That writer also seemed to just make shit up as he went along, but claimed that it was all "led by the spirit." And I was led by the spirit to tell you that the writer I'm referring to is Paul. LOLI just hate quoting directly from the bible because it would make me a fundy I guess. And I was given a word of knowledge that it was Paul that you were talking about. And god impressed upon my heart that you are correct, sir. LOLWe can keep up this xtianese all freaking day if you want but I have more important things to do like get my granddaughter to straighten up the shit house she created with all of her toys she has around here. ROFL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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