Too Many Unanswerd Questions, Too Many Contradictions...

[Eleandrus]

She ownt let u just go out and have a good time, Do u tell her she cant go to Church, isnt you meeting with other Freethinkers in some way the same socialization that she gets from going to Church. Id call the BS flag on this one. I cant think how she would get mad if shes doing the same thing. oh well hope it all works out for ya LifeCycle

[Denyoz]

I was in the dumps this entire past weekend and even up to today. Fortunately, my wife was out and about and I could deal with it alone and do what little pretending I needed to do when she was around. It's tough, really, really tough. I no longer have my make-believe friend to talk to when things are difficult. Yes, I know that sounds silly, but this entire life of mine has revolved around ideas like that. It's no different than being told that a significant person in your life is no longer around. In a sense I lost someone and the avalanche of implications that come with that such as this life being it. I've wasted minutes, hours, days, years and decades devoted to an idea that is no more true than Peter Pan. I'm surrounded by these people and can't have a real conversation about how I feel without the fear of being ostracized or mislabeled as "bad." The list goes on and on and I'm only days into this. =(

 

Hi LifeCycle,

 

Oh man, can I relate to this part: the depression of having lost my "everything" and of having wasted all my life devoting all my energies to it. This is difficult to talk about, I know, you feel so stupid and ashamed. You are not alone! I'm still trying to get over this but it's not easy. I don't feel anyone in my immediate surrounding understands.

 

Yes, the avalanche of implications is tremendous, you said it. I hate to say this but don't be surprised if the depression persists and gets worse. I would encourage you to write about it. You will receive positive responses, support and suggestions. Unlike ex-God, WE EXIST and WE CARE! and your posts will not be left unanswered.

 

Also, feel free to bitch and swear, it's allowed. This site is one of the few places on the web where you get points for expressing the utter resentment you feel for that, that... that gooey unexisting rotting deceiving thing we used to love.

[LifeCycle]

She ownt let u just go out and have a good time, Do u tell her she cant go to Church, isnt you meeting with other Freethinkers in some way the same socialization that she gets from going to Church. Id call the BS flag on this one. I cant think how she would get mad if shes doing the same thing. oh well hope it all works out for ya LifeCycle

 

Oh, I agree... We don't go church and haven't for a few years. I just don't know what her reaction would be, honestly. I'm just speculating.

[LifeCycle]

I was in the dumps this entire past weekend and even up to today. Fortunately, my wife was out and about and I could deal with it alone and do what little pretending I needed to do when she was around. It's tough, really, really tough. I no longer have my make-believe friend to talk to when things are difficult. Yes, I know that sounds silly, but this entire life of mine has revolved around ideas like that. It's no different than being told that a significant person in your life is no longer around. In a sense I lost someone and the avalanche of implications that come with that such as this life being it. I've wasted minutes, hours, days, years and decades devoted to an idea that is no more true than Peter Pan. I'm surrounded by these people and can't have a real conversation about how I feel without the fear of being ostracized or mislabeled as "bad." The list goes on and on and I'm only days into this. =(

 

Hi LifeCycle,

 

Oh man, can I relate to this part: the depression of having lost my "everything" and of having wasted all my life devoting all my energies to it. This is difficult to talk about, I know, you feel so stupid and ashamed. You are not alone! I'm still trying to get over this but it's not easy. I don't feel anyone in my immediate surrounding understands.

 

Yes, the avalanche of implications is tremendous, you said it. I hate to say this but don't be surprised if the depression persists and gets worse. I would encourage you to write about it. You will receive positive responses, support and suggestions. Unlike ex-God, WE EXIST and WE CARE! and your posts will not be left unanswered.

 

Also, feel free to bitch and swear, it's allowed. This site is one of the few places on the web where you get points for expressing the utter resentment you feel for that, that... that gooey unexisting rotting deceiving thing we used to love.

 

Thanks very much... It's appreciated and I'm so glad others can relate. Today, I did pretty well. I have a co-worker who thinks just like I do and it's definitely helped to shuffle through these emotions and deal with them. I'm doing whatever it takes to stay positive. Trying to focus on the beauty of life instead of the despair. It's tough, and even though I'm in my 30's I'm still young and have many years ahead of me to sort all this out and find myself again. Right now I'm kind of without an identity... At least, that's how I feel. I used to be a Christian and as of now I just cannot commit to the idea that we are it. Yeah, I understand that's completely emotional, but I think I've done enough up to this point. I can't let it all go at once. I just can't.

[norton65ca]

it gets better (I'm about five months into deconversion after 29 years a believer), it really does. I was pretty much in the foetal position sobbing like a child the first night, I can relate to EVERYTHING you are saying, as I'm sure many here can. It does get a lot better.

[mcdaddy]

I've been out about a year. Now I just laugh at the sheer stupidity of it all.

 

I mean, it's so damn ridiculous!!!!!

 

But yeah I was scared at first.

[silentknight]

I'm scared

Not of the world without faith, though. I'm scared of being left by loved ones.

[Wings]

I can relate to all of what you say (the fear, the loss of identity, etc.), but it really does get better. Not without occasional setbacks and frustrations... but it's been about 6 months for me and I was also really broken at first.... every day is another day to healing. Give yourself some credit for coming through this! You won't have to cope with the mental hurdles/anxiety that comes with trying to reconcile and understand xianity anymore, but that peace is worth it! There are different stages I think, McDaddy is in an awesome one now for being able to laugh at everything... I'm just getting through being frustrated, myself.

Silent, losing people is incredibly painful... but in some ways, I've found that it's strengthened my better relationships, too. I keep telling myself, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

 

Wishing you all peace of mind through these mental gymnastics and hopefully an enjoyable weekend-- <hugs>

[mcdaddy]

I'm scared

Not of the world without faith, though. I'm scared of being left by loved ones.

 

Well yeah there's that, lol. I hate that I can't be completely and unabashedly open, so that sucks. But in re: to the doctrines, beliefs etc, there's no possible way I could ever take it anywhere approaching seriously again. So it's a relief to know that it's all a child's game, played by children, referred by children. And I'm an adult.

 

As Ak would say. It says so right here on my Underoos, right next to the Hulk.

[raoul]

After more reflection and taking in everything all of you have written over here I think a bit more discussion regarding my own experience might be of some help or at least education regarding this 'thing' we all tried to be part of.

 

Even though I'd initially jumped into it with both feet I always had a bit of skepticism inside of me which served as a warning bell when I suspected some bullshit was being pushed onto the sheep. As I said elsewhere, I may have jumped in without hesitation but it was after years of thoughtful reflection along with academic studies in the area of Philosophy and History. So, I guess you could say I came into it through the intellectual processes even though a bit of the emotionalism we've all experienced went along with it. Ironically, the same thought processes were used to wake me up to the reality of this thing that so many cling to without thinking about it.

 

During the 25 years of trying to be a 'good' xtian I often found myself at odds with the organization especially the so called clergy. I always knew that they had their own personal reasons which translated into nuances affecting what they tried to teach the sheep. IE: if a clergy person was a sour puss without any sense of humor, he/she seemed to preach mostly out of the ot. On the other hand if he/she were one of those lovey dovey types then most of the messages came from the nt where Jesus was depicted as a gentle, kind, nice type of person who wouldn't hurt a fly.

 

I studied the bible, particularly the gospel accounts, for years formulating my own opinion about him. He could be a blunt s.o.b. at times or a compassionate person at other periods. It all depended on the circumstances he encountered. So my impression regarding his personality was that he was no different than any of us - happy, moody, ticked off a times, reflective during others, etc.

 

My own formulation regarding the personality of the historical Jesus made me realize that in most cases, perhaps over 95% of the followers obey and worship a 'concept' of Jesus and not the REAL Jesus in any way, shape, or form. They've fallen in love with a fictional figure and not the historical one by any stretch of the imagination.

 

Regarding the bible - I never looked at it as holy or god breathed or any of the other horseshit the church feeds people. I always regarded it in the same way as I do other great written works from antiquity. Caesar's Gallic wars, Augustine's Reflections, or Aquinas' Ontological arguments, to me, are no less in scholastic excellence as the bible and, in fact, may even be superior. That's just another one of the opinions I've had. I never actually read the ot completely nor ever had the burning desire to do so. I spent most of my time in the nt. However, certain books such as James' emphasis on works (even if fundies deny this it's a fact because Martin Luther despised it himself) and Revelation ( a book that should have NEVER been included in the bible in my opinion) were ones I avoided because I felt they were useless in my own attempted walk. It was always curious to me the way fundies would accept ALL the books in the bible, both ot and nt, and act as though everything blended perfectly together. I always knew this was a load of crap foisted onto them by the bible thumping clergy who lacked the academic acumen to do critical biblical analysis.

 

I could go on forever about this but I won't because I don't want to bore any of you to tears. All I'm trying to say is that I always had a healthy distrust of the popular crowd pleasing things that fundies, like most people, embrace. I've always tried to formulate opinions on my own based on hard facts, empirical observations, and that 6th sense we all possess. So I guess that's why I haven't been hurt as badly as many of you have been. But this does not let me off the hook by any stretch of the imagination. In fact it makes me more determined to go after the religious abusers even more because of the insidious harm I've seen them do to other people.

[LifeCycle]

Thanks Raoul. Good words and much appreciated.

 

Just as an update here... This weekend I was busy so I didn't have time to ponder the bigger things and throw a pity party. My book also came in and I'm going to open it up today and get started... It's called The Jesus Mysteries: "Was the Original Jesus a Pagan God?" A friend of mine suggested it and I respect his opinion on things such as this - so I got it.

 

Here's a link.

[mcdaddy]

Looks zeitgeist-y.

[LifeCycle]

Looks zeitgeist-y.

 

I was afraid to watch Zeitgeist so I never saw it. I was teetering with my Christianity at the time and wasn't really interested in being pushed over the top. But now, here I am.

[Sissi]

Dear Life Cycle,

 

Your post confirm that christians have beliefs which are not based on rationality and are not coherent that's why it is too difficult for them to answer. So many times when nobody

could answer people told me "you do not have to search why but you just have to believe without doubting or let Satan influence you"...isnt it so stupid ?

you do not have to feel guilty because you shake them with your questions. In fact every time somone question with the reason the faith reveals the weakness. Because

if we believe in something it is BECAUSE there is a logical explanation. But the failure is that faith and bible arent logical so at least reason is the winner...

I remember in my past christian life when I expected relief when I struggles I received answers like "look at Jesus how he suffered"....it didnt help me at all of course and it participated

that one day I would deconvert. Because bible and christianity finally do not comfort and it is a big disapointement when you really have good questions. Facing illogical and contradictions or

unanswered questions is the open door to freedom but you must deal with fake promises and unanswered prayers ....when we promised you so many times that God was a good father

for you...dealing with this lie is destabilizing when faith has been so important in our lifes and it takes time to recover.

[raoul]

With me the deconversion process was and still is being done in steps or through various events that have and will continue to occur. One such step/event occurred about 17 years ago, back in 1995 - long before I even realized, at least on the conscious level, that I was fleeing the xtian cult as I call it. I don't know if any of your recall but a woman by the name of Susan Smith drowned her 2 small boys because she wanted the freedom to do whatever it was she wanted to do. I believe this occurred in South Carolina. She had them in the backseats of her car which she pushed into a lake. The boys were about 3 and 14 months old and were strapped into their car seats. One account which was briefly put on the internet but never found again gave her description of the last moments of the kids' lives.

 

She said that initially both kids were asleep so she figured they would die peacefully. But as the car slid into the water, the older one woke up, looked around, and realized that the car was going to sink into water. What was his first and only reaction? Was it to try and open a door up? Did he try to crawl out through a window? No, his first and only reaction was to try and get his baby brother out of the baby's harness and save both of them. That's all he was consummed with doing but, unfortunately, the car sank into the water and both kids died.

 

The account itself had nothing to do with my fleeing this twisted, perversion they call christianity because I know from personal experience how fucking evil a parent can be at times - at least some parents, not all of them. But what impacted me was almost at the same time I read about this account I also heard a pulpit pimp on the radio praising de lord over and over for getting enough funds from his moronically stupid flock to continue his radio show. He kept calling it a miracle and great this god is for delivering him and his ministry so he could continue preaching the 'good news'.

 

I almost threw up when I heard him gushing about this god of his who seems to have personal, daily conversations with him day after day. Those 2 kids died and this god didn't lift one fucking finger to help them on the one hand. But on the other hand he had his hand on this asshole's holy work. An asshole who literally deserted his 2nd wife, by the way, and 2 small kids aged 3 and just a few months old, to move to greener pastures. I know quite alot about him, enough to probably sink his business if I ever called him up and started unloading with all of the facts I know about him.

 

But getting back to my main point - after reading about the incredible courage of that little guy trying to save his brother and comparing it with all the holy roly bullshit I hear coming out of the cultists' mouths, well I finally said 'fuck it, I'm done'. Heaven or Hell? So fucking what? I'm living out this life the best way I know how from now on with no magical baby jesus in the sky. Thanks for letting me rant, once more.