jefflives Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 If its anything like my situation. My wife couldn't care less WHY I deconverted. Its just the fact THAT I deconverted. She doesn't want specifics even though she took them in and they are buried in her head like a benign tumor waiting to spring into action <insert sinister laugh here> . You are broken and need to be fixed in her eyes and she doesn't feel equipped to do it. However, you are doing the right thing by showing her that you are still a good person. It practically spits in the face of christianity when you do that. We were always told that atheists can do no good deed. and to live in a way that contradicts the bible I think speaks more than any argument. My wife doesn't have the answers to the questions I ask. But they are rhetorical questions I dont want answers and she keeps wanting me to talk to someone. I know the feeling This is so much like my wife. And like yours, she turned up her devotion a notch when realizing my lack of faith. She wants to answer my questions which we both know cannot be answered logically. She still believes I am impaired/fautly/broken, and I will again realize that happiness comes from devotion to God. Funny, I have never felt better than I have since letting God go... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jefflives Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 If its anything like my situation. My wife couldn't care less WHY I deconverted. Its just the fact THAT I deconverted. She doesn't want specifics even though she took them in and they are buried in her head like a benign tumor waiting to spring into action <insert sinister laugh here> . You are broken and need to be fixed in her eyes and she doesn't feel equipped to do it. However, you are doing the right thing by showing her that you are still a good person. It practically spits in the face of christianity when you do that. We were always told that atheists can do no good deed. and to live in a way that contradicts the bible I think speaks more than any argument. My wife doesn't have the answers to the questions I ask. But they are rhetorical questions I dont want answers and she keeps wanting me to talk to someone. I know the feeling This is so much like my wife. And like yours, she turned up her devotion a notch when realizing my lack of faith. She wants to answer my questions which we both know cannot be answered logically. She still believes I am impaired/fautly/broken, and I will again realize that happiness comes from devotion to God. Funny, I have never felt better than I have since letting God go... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadrunner Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 She actually made a comment yesterday, she said "I wonder why Pastor Charlie hasn't written back. I'm worried that your letter gave him a heart attack." I said "I'd think we would have heard of that. *grin*" she said "Yeah. I didn't mean literally *sticks out tongue* Just that he read your letter, and realized he has no answers" "What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it....." We used this to justify trying to bring a wayward member back to the faith. But realistically, you have reasoned your way out and its touch to reason back into something that you never were convinced of anyway. I wonder if pastors know this and spend their time focusing on introducing people to the faith for the first time. Is this a large church? I can imagine that at a large church it may take him some time to get back to you. Pastors are really busy and the more critical situations seem to get the attention (people in the hospital dying, church business, etc.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadrunner Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 If its anything like my situation. My wife couldn't care less WHY I deconverted. Its just the fact THAT I deconverted. She doesn't want specifics even though she took them in and they are buried in her head like a benign tumor waiting to spring into action <insert sinister laugh here> . You are broken and need to be fixed in her eyes and she doesn't feel equipped to do it. However, you are doing the right thing by showing her that you are still a good person. It practically spits in the face of christianity when you do that. We were always told that atheists can do no good deed. and to live in a way that contradicts the bible I think speaks more than any argument. My wife doesn't have the answers to the questions I ask. But they are rhetorical questions I dont want answers and she keeps wanting me to talk to someone. I know the feeling This is so much like my wife. And like yours, she turned up her devotion a notch when realizing my lack of faith. She wants to answer my questions which we both know cannot be answered logically. She still believes I am impaired/fautly/broken, and I will again realize that happiness comes from devotion to God. Funny, I have never felt better than I have since letting God go... Welcome to the club. Its a frustrating position to be in. don't you wish you could back up life and redo without religion (but still keep your family and job etc) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 This is so much like my wife. And like yours, she turned up her devotion a notch when realizing my lack of faith. She wants to answer my questions which we both know cannot be answered logically. She still believes I am impaired/fautly/broken, and I will again realize that happiness comes from devotion to God. Funny, I have never felt better than I have since letting God go... Uh-oh. Another ex-Christian whose wife is still in the faith. Welcome to the "club," and welcome to Ex-C! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted August 1, 2012 Moderator Share Posted August 1, 2012 This is so much like my wife. And like yours, she turned up her devotion a notch when realizing my lack of faith. She wants to answer my questions which we both know cannot be answered logically. She still believes I am impaired/fautly/broken, and I will again realize that happiness comes from devotion to God. Funny, I have never felt better than I have since letting God go... Uh-oh. Another ex-Christian whose wife is still in the faith. Welcome to the "club," and welcome to Ex-C! We should introduce a new forum just for Christians with Ex-C spouses and ask all of you wives to join. Maybe if one of them deconverts she can influence the others. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 "What man of you, having an hundred sheep, if he lose one of them, doth not leave the ninety and nine in the wilderness, and go after that which is lost, until he find it....." We used this to justify trying to bring a wayward member back to the faith. But realistically, you have reasoned your way out and its touch to reason back into something that you never were convinced of anyway. I wonder if pastors know this and spend their time focusing on introducing people to the faith for the first time. Is this a large church? I can imagine that at a large church it may take him some time to get back to you. Pastors are really busy and the more critical situations seem to get the attention (people in the hospital dying, church business, etc.) Pretty small church - on the busiest days there will be about a hundred people, normal days closer to 80 - and when we started going there it was much smaller, maybe 40? We know the pastor pretty well, and the people who tend to go to thich church aren't "new converts", they're almost all those who've grown up in the church and moved to this area, so went here because it's similar to what they grew up in. So.. I doubt he has much experience with people leaving due to lack of belief and telling him so. It's a reformed episcopal church. They're very structured, they have bishops, and a strict hierarchy. All the ministers went to seminary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 This is so much like my wife. And like yours, she turned up her devotion a notch when realizing my lack of faith. She wants to answer my questions which we both know cannot be answered logically. She still believes I am impaired/fautly/broken, and I will again realize that happiness comes from devotion to God. Funny, I have never felt better than I have since letting God go... Uh-oh. Another ex-Christian whose wife is still in the faith. Welcome to the "club," and welcome to Ex-C! We should introduce a new forum just for Christians with Ex-C spouses and ask all of you wives to join. Maybe if one of them deconverts she can influence the others. In all seriousness, I've said way too many things that would make my wife freak right the hell out if she ever knew about them. I would request to have my account deleted if she ever found out about this site. Even if she somehow deconverts, I won't be inviting her here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 In all seriousness, I've said way too many things that would make my wife freak right the hell out if she ever knew about them. I would request to have my account deleted if she ever found out about this site. Even if she somehow deconverts, I won't be inviting her here. It'd have to be a completely different site. Un-attached... like a "clean-zone" for marital discussions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadrunner Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 This is so much like my wife. And like yours, she turned up her devotion a notch when realizing my lack of faith. She wants to answer my questions which we both know cannot be answered logically. She still believes I am impaired/fautly/broken, and I will again realize that happiness comes from devotion to God. Funny, I have never felt better than I have since letting God go... Uh-oh. Another ex-Christian whose wife is still in the faith. Welcome to the "club," and welcome to Ex-C! We should introduce a new forum just for Christians with Ex-C spouses and ask all of you wives to join. Maybe if one of them deconverts she can influence the others. In all seriousness, I've said way too many things that would make my wife freak right the hell out if she ever knew about them. I would request to have my account deleted if she ever found out about this site. Even if she somehow deconverts, I won't be inviting her here. Same here. My wife will have to find some other resource if she deconverts. She IS NOT WELCOMED here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silentknight Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Same here. My wife will have to find some other resource if she deconverts. She IS NOT WELCOMED here. My wife is welcome here if she de-converts. I haven't said anything I'd hide from her if she accepted my beliefs and was thinking likewise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadrunner Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Same here. My wife will have to find some other resource if she deconverts. She IS NOT WELCOMED here. My wife is welcome here if she de-converts. I haven't said anything I'd hide from her if she accepted my beliefs and was thinking likewise. there was a bit of humor in my comment that may have been trumped by the all caps. At this point I cant remember what I've said but Im sure it wouldn't be flattering for her to read that I've vented to you all that my wife is delusional and rigid (a normal chrisitan). Plus she isn't the type that wouldn't join a forum anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted August 1, 2012 Moderator Share Posted August 1, 2012 This is so much like my wife. And like yours, she turned up her devotion a notch when realizing my lack of faith. She wants to answer my questions which we both know cannot be answered logically. She still believes I am impaired/fautly/broken, and I will again realize that happiness comes from devotion to God. Funny, I have never felt better than I have since letting God go... Uh-oh. Another ex-Christian whose wife is still in the faith. Welcome to the "club," and welcome to Ex-C! We should introduce a new forum just for Christians with Ex-C spouses and ask all of you wives to join. Maybe if one of them deconverts she can influence the others. In all seriousness, I've said way too many things that would make my wife freak right the hell out if she ever knew about them. I would request to have my account deleted if she ever found out about this site. Even if she somehow deconverts, I won't be inviting her here. I worry a little myself, but I've tried to keep the possibility in mind. That limits what I can share sometimes, unfortunately. Maybe they can meetup on a Christian forum. Unfortunately, they tend to delete posts and accounts when they offer a different perspective... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jefflives Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 My wife is not aware that I've completely let go of belief, but we've got a very good understanding of ground rules for discussions It didn't start out well, but in time things became decent. hopefully I can help others in this area, but every spouse is different! But the biggest issue is the kids! Will be tough when the questions come... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator TrueFreedom Posted August 1, 2012 Moderator Share Posted August 1, 2012 My wife is not aware that I've completely let go of belief, but we've got a very good understanding of ground rules for discussions It didn't start out well, but in time things became decent. hopefully I can help others in this area, but every spouse is different! But the biggest issue is the kids! Will be tough when the questions come... Even when my wife stopped believing she still wouldn't discuss it with the kids. Our youngest still thinks that my wife believes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jefflives Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 My kids are very involved at church. They're all still at the lovey-dovey Christianity stage, no questions about deeper things. My oldest is 9 and I fully expect the questions soon. I have agreed not to actively persuade them from church, but I will honestly and fully answer every question with a logical answer. I want them to question everything and make their own conclusions through independent thought, research, and debate. My wife will be happy if they just claim Jesus as their Saviour. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rek99 Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 Dont try and changer her views, only try to get her to accept you. I am repeating this for truth, and adding a resounding, "THIS." Rek, you mentioned that you don't think your wife will ever deconvert. When I finally had "the talk" with my wife, I told her a few things: That over time I couldn't get answers to my questions, which led me to believe the Bible isn't true That I lost my faith over a long period of time That my loss of faith wasn't because of her, or her family, or due to any one specific cause That I hadn't told her earlier because I was terrified of losing her and the kids Your own personal approach, such as whether you ask a lot of tough questions over time that let on you don't believe anymore, or whether you have a big "coming out" talk, will depend on your particular relationship with your wife. Just know that whatever happens, you have a lot of people here at Ex-C that know what you're going through, because we've lived it ourselves. Thanks T2M, I really appreciate the advice, and I think this is a good route to go. The funny thing is, that's pretty much spot-on. I started doubting about a year ago, started looking into it right away, and couldn't find any of the answers that I was looking for. I didn't want to tell her then because I was still feeling it out, and I wanted to make sure I was justified in my thinking. @Lilith, I'm totally fine with going to church with her for support. It's a large church with friendly people, and most of the time I just sit there playing games on my phone while the pastor is preaching anyway. My wife doesn't seem to mind at all. The site godisimaginary.com is pretty good in spelling out in black and white why the bible is just silly. I've been reading it a lot while we're on the couch late at night watching TV. Oh if she only knew.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadrunner Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 My wife is not aware that I've completely let go of belief, but we've got a very good understanding of ground rules for discussions It didn't start out well, but in time things became decent. hopefully I can help others in this area, but every spouse is different! But the biggest issue is the kids! Will be tough when the questions come... Thats similar to my situation as I started out by telling her "I have some tough questions" and she just chalked it up to me just being skeptic. I will say that completely changed when I later told her I no longer believe at all. trust me the "having some doubts/questions" thing goes in one ear and out the other. But the instant she grasps you are no longer a believer thats when things change. We are very open with everything in our marriage but this was the hardest thing for me to do. Church falls to the back of my priorities but its still up there on hers so this is the biggest hurdle for us right now. But it changes weekly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jefflives Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Yeah, I'd like to broach the subject again with her to ensure my stance is known. We have had some very challenging discussions over the last couple of years, including why I am done reading the Bible, and will not attend church. She last asked me if I'd attend church with her and my girls. I asked "why would I want to attend when I don't believe"... She said she understood, but it "would be good for the girls". Oh, how I wanted to ask "Would it be?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadrunner Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 it was pretty emotional telling her. just like how t2m mentioned in his post those are all things I hit on during coming out. it flowed pretty well and it was mainly me talking because I had so much bottled up that I wanted to say. Dare I say it was the probably the tougest thing Ive ever done. Flash back just 7 years or so and no one would have fathomed such an outcome. Well, welcome to the club. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 it was pretty emotional telling her. just like how t2m mentioned in his post those are all things I hit on during coming out. it flowed pretty well and it was mainly me talking because I had so much bottled up that I wanted to say. Dare I say it was the probably the tougest thing Ive ever done. Flash back just 7 years or so and no one would have fathomed such an outcome. Well, welcome to the club. Yeah, emotional is a good word for it. My wife's initial reaction was "I feel like I want to die." That was difficult for me to hear. She hasn't said anything like that or showed signs of depression since, so I guess that was just her gut reaction, but she's gotten used to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadrunner Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 it was pretty emotional telling her. just like how t2m mentioned in his post those are all things I hit on during coming out. it flowed pretty well and it was mainly me talking because I had so much bottled up that I wanted to say. Dare I say it was the probably the tougest thing Ive ever done. Flash back just 7 years or so and no one would have fathomed such an outcome. Well, welcome to the club. Yeah, emotional is a good word for it. My wife's initial reaction was "I feel like I want to die." That was a difficult for me to hear. She hasn't said anything like that or showed signs of depression since, so I guess that was just her gut reaction, but she's gotten used to it. mine too. i think deep down I am killing the misconceptions about atheists. still taking it day by day. It used to be a up and down on a daily basis now its more bi-weekly. I do have a "praise report" she did refer to me as atheist the other day which was refreshing. the fact that she understands the extent of my disbelief makes it easier to live with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thought2Much Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I don't know if it helped or not, but I never used the word "atheist" or the word "agnostic." I just said that I didn't believe anymore. Does my wife think of me as an atheist now? Or as a heathen? Or maybe an apostate? I don't know, and I'm kind of afraid to ask. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raoul Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 She actually made a comment yesterday, she said "I wonder why Pastor Charlie hasn't written back. I'm worried that your letter gave him a heart attack." I said "I'd think we would have heard of that. *grin*" she said "Yeah. I didn't mean literally *sticks out tongue* Just that he read your letter, and realized he has no answers" You heard that ole saying about 'silence being golden'? If so, it applies to how you're behaving regarding the clergy not responding, Each day that passes without a response by him along with you not criticizing him or anything is another day in favor of you. And, per your other comment about her even subtly joking about it (sticking her tongue out at you) seems to mean, at least to me, that she's slowing coming around to your side. If so, that's great! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roadrunner Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I don't know if it helped or not, but I never used the word "atheist" or the word "agnostic." I just said that I didn't believe anymore. Does my wife think of me as an atheist now? Or as a heathen? Or maybe an apostate? I don't know, and I'm kind of afraid to ask. I never specified with my wife but to hear her say that was encouraging. I didnt even know she knew what an atheist was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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