Help Coming Out To My Wife

[raoul]

it was pretty emotional telling her. just like how t2m mentioned in his post those are all things I hit on during coming out. it flowed pretty well and it was mainly me talking because I had so much bottled up that I wanted to say. Dare I say it was the probably the tougest thing Ive ever done. Flash back just 7 years or so and no one would have fathomed such an outcome. Well, welcome to the club.

 

Yeah, emotional is a good word for it. My wife's initial reaction was "I feel like I want to die." That was a difficult for me to hear. She hasn't said anything like that or showed signs of depression since, so I guess that was just her gut reaction, but she's gotten used to it.

 

mine too. i think deep down I am killing the misconceptions about atheists. still taking it day by day. It used to be a up and down on a daily basis now its more bi-weekly.

 

I do have a "praise report" she did refer to me as atheist the other day which was refreshing. the fact that she understands the extent of my disbelief makes it easier to live with.

A freaking 'praise report'? Yep, you WERE a christian at one time. ROFL

[raoul]

I don't know if it helped or not, but I never used the word "atheist" or the word "agnostic." I just said that I didn't believe anymore. Does my wife think of me as an atheist now? Or as a heathen? Or maybe an apostate? I don't know, and I'm kind of afraid to ask.

 

I never specified with my wife but to hear her say that was encouraging. I didnt even know she knew what an atheist was.

Pssst..pssst... hey kid, I wanna say something to you but I gotta whisper it - I think most atheists don't know what an atheist is. ROFL

That's based on years of my questioning hundreds of them trying to get a definition as concisely as possible and failing miserably. I even had one person refer to himself as an atheist christian. Do you or anyone else around here have any idea of what the hell that is? LOL

[Thought2Much]

I don't know if it helped or not, but I never used the word "atheist" or the word "agnostic." I just said that I didn't believe anymore. Does my wife think of me as an atheist now? Or as a heathen? Or maybe an apostate? I don't know, and I'm kind of afraid to ask.

 

I never specified with my wife but to hear her say that was encouraging. I didnt even know she knew what an atheist was.

Pssst..pssst... hey kid, I wanna say something to you but I gotta whisper it - I think most atheists don't know what an atheist is. ROFL

That's based on years of my questioning hundreds of them trying to get a definition as concisely as possible and failing miserably. I even had one person refer to himself as an atheist christian. Do you or anyone else around here have any idea of what the hell that is? LOL

 

Which is pretty much why I didn't use the word when I spoke to my wife. The way her family talks about atheists, I may as well have said, "Honey, I'm a demon" if I used that word.

[roadrunner]

I don't know if it helped or not, but I never used the word "atheist" or the word "agnostic." I just said that I didn't believe anymore. Does my wife think of me as an atheist now? Or as a heathen? Or maybe an apostate? I don't know, and I'm kind of afraid to ask.

 

I never specified with my wife but to hear her say that was encouraging. I didnt even know she knew what an atheist was.

Pssst..pssst... hey kid, I wanna say something to you but I gotta whisper it - I think most atheists don't know what an atheist is. ROFL

That's based on years of my questioning hundreds of them trying to get a definition as concisely as possible and failing miserably. I even had one person refer to himself as an atheist christian. Do you or anyone else around here have any idea of what the hell that is? LOL

trust me I completely understand. In. Very broad sense I do not feel there is any benevolent creature in space. I have to use agnostic because of the technically that it cant be proven beyond reasonable doubt. but to my wife its all the same because its not Christian. Really that's a whole different conversation.

[LifeCycle]

Yeah, I'd like to broach the subject again with her to ensure my stance is known. We have had some very challenging discussions over the last couple of years, including why I am done reading the Bible, and will not attend church. She last asked me if I'd attend church with her and my girls. I asked "why would I want to attend when I don't believe"... She said she understood, but it "would be good for the girls". Oh, how I wanted to ask "Would it be?"

 

Wow, Jeff... That's such a difficult thing to have to wrestle with. The kids add such a complicated variable to the equation that I don't have to consider, that's for sure.

[GardenerGal]

Hi Rek --

 

My husband and I are the same age as you and your wife. I love hearing you talk about still being in love with your wife. This is a hard time for the recent deconverters, especially if you were really sold out, but this is a scary, scary time for our spouses. My husband was heartbroken when I told him. For a long time I was in the doubting camp, and then one day, I said I didn't believe it anymore. This guy never cries but he cried that day in fear for the unknown, especially my soul. It's definitely gotten better, but it was a hard first month or so, almost like I was walking through a fog.

 

I know many people say they just don't bring it up to avoid conflict, but I took the opposite route and talked about it, even when he didn't want to hear it.

 

One day I mentioned that Jesus's virgin birth and crucifixion paralleled another mythical story, and that's when he really wanted to stop the conversation. I had to step back and remember he still really, truly believes in Jesus, and I had to be wise in what I brought up.

 

One thing I mentioned is how while the Bible says he is now unequally yoked, I was too! At the time I felt very unequally yoked yet equally worthy of real love that wasn't based on trying to win me back to Jesus. I think he understands that now, that I don't feel like less of a person, despite what the Christian community will subtly suggest.

 

We don't have children to address, so I have no personal experience to offer you there. But I think children are perceptive, and will listen to your actions over a loud preacher man's words any day.

 

Your wife needs you now more than ever, too. Keep reminding her of why you fell in love with her in the first place, and she you. We went back to the beginning a lot when it wasn't about God or church or Jesus or any of that, but two kids who we crazy in love while driving the back roads under open country skies. We still do that from time-to-time.

 

Tessa

[roadrunner]

right on GG! I am DYING to talk about religion and history with my wife. but its a thin ice subject.

 

I would say that kids do complicate it slightly. Not because we are giving them mixed information or anything but mainly because it KILLS me to see them praying and it kills her to see them NOT pray with me. I let them just start eating at meals. but she comes in and says "Nobody said grace!" as if that does ANYTHING. LOL. THey are 2 and 4 so now its just mindless repetition anyway but once it becomes serious it will hurt me even more to see it. Ive convinced my wife that we should not say the now i lay me down to sleep prayer anymore because the 4 year old is now aware of things like that and the thought of her DYING while she is sleep is mental abuse. she EASILY agreed with this and now they dont say that anymore they just say something short and stupid. I also teach my daughter to think critically and ask questions and when my wife is blaring gospel on tv I show my daughter how they "like to scream and yell". I did get in trouble one day watching a gospel singing competition and "the spirit" came over the audience and I told my daughter "this person is going to win because they got a lot of people to scream and yell". My wife heard that and didn't like it to too much. But i teach her to spot foolishness and not play into it. Have her guard up .

 

Its tough doing this because I want her to experience the naive creativity of youth. I just dont want it spill over into reality and her get sucked in the same way I did. My wife sees Im the same dad I always was to my children so in a way it sort of helps to have them in the mix because she can see you in multiple relationships not just as a husband but as a father and a friend to others who you always were. But I feel like Im under a microscope.

[GardenerGal]

right on GG! I am DYING to talk about religion and history with my wife. but its a thin ice subject.

 

I would say that kids do complicate it slightly.

 

I can't imagine the challenges children would present. This recent worldview change really makes me look at the idea of having kids much differently. No longer "the next step" as pushed in the church. Until we are solid on the same page, I think we'll put off the kid thing for a while.

 

There were a few days in the beginning when I seriously, truly wanted to leave and start fresh. It was a dark time, and I am glad now that I waited out my emotions. It was not smooth sailing at first. There was a lot of "This is what I need right now" statements and going back to the beginning.

 

Hang in there RR!

[jefflives]

But I feel like Im under a microscope.

 

It's been difficult for me to explain to my kids so far why I don't attend church for them, why I don't pray with them, amd why I won't read the faith-based books to them (among so many other things Christian parents do). I have so far only answered that it's "for you and Mommy to do together". Oddly enough, they're satisfied with that for now. Everytime, I debate how I consider answering certain questions, considering that I'm still unsure my wife even fully aware of the absoluteness of my stance. But like you, my wife still sees me as a great dad/friend/husband that I was from day one, and my kids see me exhibit the qualities that any compassionate and respectable man should. And that's really the most important thing for now.

 

I honestly don't have a problem with them attending church right now (our church has always been pretty wishy-washy anyway). It's been good for them to make friends outside of school and attend fun little events. The best I can do for the time being is teach them to question everything and learn to think independently of what others tell them they should believe. A double-edged sword... but one of the best tools I can give them.

[TheBluegrassSkeptic]

right on GG! I am DYING to talk about religion and history with my wife. but its a thin ice subject.

 

I would say that kids do complicate it slightly. Not because we are giving them mixed information or anything but mainly because it KILLS me to see them praying and it kills her to see them NOT pray with me. I let them just start eating at meals. but she comes in and says "Nobody said grace!" as if that does ANYTHING. LOL. THey are 2 and 4 so now its just mindless repetition anyway but once it becomes serious it will hurt me even more to see it. Ive convinced my wife that we should not say the now i lay me down to sleep prayer anymore because the 4 year old is now aware of things like that and the thought of her DYING while she is sleep is mental abuse. she EASILY agreed with this and now they dont say that anymore they just say something short and stupid. I also teach my daughter to think critically and ask questions and when my wife is blaring gospel on tv I show my daughter how they "like to scream and yell". I did get in trouble one day watching a gospel singing competition and "the spirit" came over the audience and I told my daughter "this person is going to win because they got a lot of people to scream and yell". My wife heard that and didn't like it to too much. But i teach her to spot foolishness and not play into it. Have her guard up .

 

Its tough doing this because I want her to experience the naive creativity of youth. I just dont want it spill over into reality and her get sucked in the same way I did. My wife sees Im the same dad I always was to my children so in a way it sort of helps to have them in the mix because she can see you in multiple relationships not just as a husband but as a father and a friend to others who you always were. But I feel like Im under a microscope.

What is reallysad is that you would have more rights about what you expose your children to if you were divorced! Sad thing when people do not allow both parents to be in charge of a child's upbringing. In the end your kids will deconvert, just subtly keep them questioning everything...And maybe get a subscription to Nat'l Geo... he he he

[roadrunner]

Yeah I could be a jerk and complain that they not do it but to keep peace i deal with it even though it kills me. Id just hate for them to get in a situation and think that prayer is going to do anything at all.

 

it sounds like you've got the right idea thats what Im doing. teach them reality and reason hopefully will work its course. hang in there. you are not alone.

[jefflives]

Thanks to this forum, and this thread in particular, I had a good conversation last night with my wife regarding my official break from the Christian faith. Over the years, she had become aware of my questions and frustrations with the Bible, church, and religion in general… however she did not know I had chosen to give up on it forever. As expected, there were tears, but overall I think it went over as well as could be expected. Her greatest concern is feeling that she can’t share a large part of herself with me because of my lack of belief. I reminded her that we have so much more in common outside of religious faith, and that this change in me does not cause any waiver in my devotion to her or our children. She also said that it really hurts not to be together on this spiritual journey – I explained why it was also painful for me, trying to live within the bounds of a religion with which I no longer agreed or understood. We talked through our history (like Rek, we were married young – 19/20, now in our mid-30’s). Went through all of the major experiences we had together and that I had solo that made me question.

 

I believe she was beginning to empathize, but it pains me to hurt her. I am positive there will be a long period before she fully accepts that I’m done for good. We’re still good on the agreement with the kids – I won’t pull them away from the church, and she won’t protest when I teach them how to question everything they’re taught. Ultimately, we’re fine and I’m feeling a weight lifted.

 

@Rek – Best of luck to you. It’s a long road, but if you have the time, take baby steps. If she’s very sensitive, start with little questions, big questions, doubts, then an “unknown” stance. In time, you will be able to drop the big bomb. Reassure her every step of the way that you love her, and are committed to her regardless of your questions, doubts and finally, (lack of) beliefs.

[Mountainman]

Spouses of Xians who "come out of the closet" should be reminded that no marriage vows pledge anybody to give up their Constitutional rights of freedom of (and from) religion. The spouse still has rights too -- to participate in religion of any type and on any level. But no spouse has the right to dictate the religion (or lack of it) of the other spouse.

[mcdaddy]

This is so much like my wife. And like yours, she turned up her devotion a notch when realizing my lack of faith. She wants to answer my questions which we both know cannot be answered logically. She still believes I am impaired/fautly/broken, and I will again realize that happiness comes from devotion to God. Funny, I have never felt better than I have since letting God go...

 

Uh-oh. Another ex-Christian whose wife is still in the faith.

 

Welcome to the "club," and welcome to Ex-C!

 

We should introduce a new forum just for Christians with Ex-C spouses and ask all of you wives to join. Maybe if one of them deconverts she can influence the others.

 

In all seriousness, I've said way too many things that would make my wife freak right the hell out if she ever knew about them. I would request to have my account deleted if she ever found out about this site. Even if she somehow deconverts, I won't be inviting her here.

 

Same here. My wife will have to find some other resource if she deconverts. She IS NOT WELCOMED here.

 

Is this your HAPPY PLACE??!!!?!

 

Edit: not being a douche. Just playin around.

[roadrunner]

This is so much like my wife. And like yours, she turned up her devotion a notch when realizing my lack of faith. She wants to answer my questions which we both know cannot be answered logically. She still believes I am impaired/fautly/broken, and I will again realize that happiness comes from devotion to God. Funny, I have never felt better than I have since letting God go...

 

Uh-oh. Another ex-Christian whose wife is still in the faith.

 

Welcome to the "club," and welcome to Ex-C!

 

We should introduce a new forum just for Christians with Ex-C spouses and ask all of you wives to join. Maybe if one of them deconverts she can influence the others.

 

In all seriousness, I've said way too many things that would make my wife freak right the hell out if she ever knew about them. I would request to have my account deleted if she ever found out about this site. Even if she somehow deconverts, I won't be inviting her here.

 

Same here. My wife will have to find some other resource if she deconverts. She IS NOT WELCOMED here.

 

Is this your HAPPY PLACE??!!!?!

 

Edit: not being a douche. Just playin around.

i didnt take it that way. this is my outlet. my wife is not a forum type so she never would join anyway. but still....

[mcdaddy]

I know dude. Mine wouldn't either. She's out shandalalaing all weekend at a damn catholic conference, and shes NOT EVEN FUCKING CATHOLIC. so my 2 and 7 year old girls are running my freaking ragged so she can go on a fucking mind trip to worship a Jewish sky fairy.

Uuiggghhhh

[midniterider]

My kids are very involved at church. They're all still at the lovey-dovey Christianity stage, no questions about deeper things. My oldest is 9 and I fully expect the questions soon. I have agreed not to actively persuade them from church, but I will honestly and fully answer every question with a logical answer. I want them to question everything and make their own conclusions through independent thought, research, and debate.

 

My wife will be happy if they just claim Jesus as their Saviour.

 

Christianity is not necessarily a death sentence for one's children. People do grow up as christians and seem to function in society. So don't stress too much. When your child experiences the cognitive dissonance of "god-did-it" vs your scientific theories, facts and evidence , let them come to their own conclusions. They will learn to ask certain questions only if they have you alone if arguments break out between you and the wife over these matters. They will grow up with some faith and with some common sense. They will know to question things like you do yet see things spiritually like their mom. They will learn that there can be more than one correct answer. :-)

 

If Jesus is the way, truth and life then his omnipotence ought to destroy any false doctrine spouted by those satanic scientists, right? Or is god a pussy? Or maybe just not there? Play this game with the kids - http://godisimaginary.com/i41.htm

 

Allow them to be themselves and decide for themselves what truth is.

[roadrunner]

My kids are very involved at church. They're all still at the lovey-dovey Christianity stage, no questions about deeper things. My oldest is 9 and I fully expect the questions soon. I have agreed not to actively persuade them from church, but I will honestly and fully answer every question with a logical answer. I want them to question everything and make their own conclusions through independent thought, research, and debate.

 

My wife will be happy if they just claim Jesus as their Saviour.

 

Christianity is not necessarily a death sentence for one's children. People do grow up as christians and seem to function in society. So don't stress too much. When your child experiences the cognitive dissonance of "god-did-it" vs your scientific theories, facts and evidence , let them come to their own conclusions. They will learn to ask certain questions only if they have you alone if arguments break out between you and the wife over these matters. They will grow up with some faith and with some common sense. They will know to question things like you do yet see things spiritually like their mom. They will learn that there can be more than one correct answer. :-)

 

If Jesus is the way, truth and life then his omnipotence ought to destroy any false doctrine spouted by those satanic scientists, right? Or is god a pussy? Or maybe just not there? Play this game with the kids - http://godisimaginary.com/i41.htm

 

Allow them to be themselves and decide for themselves what truth is.

I agree but look at this site the whole concept is to give refuge to people who are having to start over with who they were, lives and marriages destroyed over religion, people putting together the shattered pieces of their dreams after they've already begun seeking them. In my case if I could go back and never have to look the idea in thee face that I've been wrong for almost 30 years break my wife's heart and go through the emotional and mental torment all because my parents never told me its a fairy tale I would and if there is anyway I can stop my kids from going through it I will.

[pox]

I let them just start eating at meals. but she comes in and says "Nobody said grace!" as if that does ANYTHING. LOL.

 

Lucky me, my wife and I both deconverted a long time ago. When we host gatherings with extended family, where grace might be expected, she's really good at doing a secular grace. For example, we might hold hands and look each other in the eye, while she says something about how being happy to be together, or where the food came from, or maybe she has a short quote about family or mindfulness or something. It's just a little pause to appreciate. Maybe that kind of grace would be a middle ground for you and your wife. Hold your family's hands and tell them you love them and you're glad to be eating with them all.

[SusanStoHeli]

Christianity is not necessarily a death sentence for one's children. People do grow up as christians and seem to function in society. So don't stress too much. When your child experiences the cognitive dissonance of "god-did-it" vs your scientific theories, facts and evidence , let them come to their own conclusions. They will learn to ask certain questions only if they have you alone if arguments break out between you and the wife over these matters. They will grow up with some faith and with some common sense. They will know to question things like you do yet see things spiritually like their mom. They will learn that there can be more than one correct answer. :-)

 

If Jesus is the way, truth and life then his omnipotence ought to destroy any false doctrine spouted by those satanic scientists, right? Or is god a pussy? Or maybe just not there? Play this game with the kids - http://godisimaginary.com/i41.htm

 

Allow them to be themselves and decide for themselves what truth is.

Honestly? I've seen many people here where being raised Christian, especially particular types of Christian, or particular types of personalities - it can be incredibly damaging - terrified to look at science or even THINK of the possibility of questioning for fear of hell and god and never seeing your parents again.

 

I don't say to not let the kids go to church - but your views should not be silent either, and you should have input on the type of church - IMO, not a fire and brimstone, not one that is bigoted, hatefilled - I wouldn't let my kids be subjected to that.

[Rek99]

Thank you again for all your suggestions. I have started dropping little hints over the last week, trying to get her mind working. Asking things like "Do you really thing all things in the bible are meant to be taken literally?" or "Man, it sure would be hard for a single man to gather 2 of every animal on earth....." She mostly just shrugs it off as if she tries not to think about it.

 

I'm trying to work up the courage to have "the talk" with her, but it's much harder than I thought it would be.

[TrueFreedom]

Do you watch documentaries together? Galapagos is a great nature documentary that walks through Darwin's discoveries there. I snuck that one on my wife before telling her that I no longer believed, and it started her wheels turning.

[TrueFreedom]

I seem to recall mysteries of the bible having a few scholarly episodes with different perspectives on scripture, but we watched those for years without losing faith in the bible. Do you think that she'd be up for watching a course on the history of the bible or religion?

[mcdaddy]

Do you watch documentaries together? Galapagos is a great nature documentary that walks through Darwin's discoveries there. I snuck that one on my wife before telling her that I no longer believed, and it started her wheels turning.

 

You sneaky bastard

[Rek99]

I'll have to check them out. We almost always have TV-time every night (right now we're re-watching Breaking Bad S1-4) and she's usually up for nature shows. We loved watching Planet Earth together as well.... we were just talking about that the other day, so I may be able to sneak in Galapagos as an innocent nature documentary.