Getting Into Christianity, Mental Illness And Struggling Now With How To Recover

[blackpudd1n]

Hi Rachel

 

I have bipolar myself, and have experienced psychosis is the past- that shit really is not fun. Despite how the psychosis is troubling you, you still seem to have some really good insight, and yes, the help you need is not going to come from the church. It's going to come in the form of medication and getting psychological help.

 

In my experience, mental illness and christianity just don't mix. You are not demon possessed, you are not under the influence of satan, you, like me and Babylonian Dream and many, many others, just have a mind that works differently. Your condition sounds like it may be life-long, and there is no shame in that; mine is too, as is diabetes. Like diabetes, there is no cure, but we can learn to manage the conditions that we have and still live a good life.

 

I myself deconverted while in the process of becoming mentally well, and I've got to say, it's a lot easier to manage my condition when I know I'm not demon possessed and I know that science can explain why my mind is the way it is. Trauma does come into the equation with mental illness; not every person who has ever experienced trauma will become mentally ill, but every mentally ill person has experienced trauma. I guess we just had the susceptibility to become unwell, and the trauma triggered our conditions. But that doesn't mean that we cannot recover or reclaim our minds or our lives.

 

If there is a diety out there, it doesn't seem to care that I don't give a shit about it. And with every day that passes that I am out of christianity, because I only fully deconverted at the end of October last year, my life and my mental health just goes from strength to strength.

 

Hang in there, Rachel. Go see a doctor, find a secular psychologist that you like, and we'll be here for you. By the way, religious delusions are incredibly common among the mentally ill. I'm sorry I can't write more at the moment, I've got to get ready to go see my own psych nurse nurse. I'll check back later

[rachel15]

You must always remember something though, after deconversion. Dont hold on to your anger, it will destroy you, believe me i know from experience what holding a grudge against Christianity will do to your mind.

 

Hi Kaiser, I'm not feeling particularly angry atm but will bear in mind what you say - by the way, do you have any tips on how to let go of anger generally? Just asking, as its something I've wondered about in the past - apart from physical exercise i'm not really sure what else would work.

[Guest Babylonian Dream]

You know what, after writing that, I feel bad because I suggested that something could be God's fault!

See how they get you? They make you feel bad for stating honestly what is true about something being just wrong by any and all possible means. Why feel bad though?

 

I felt bad too a while back when I was thinking stuff like that. I would always beat myself up. "Everytime I get into reading the Bible, I just don't get it, I just stop and for some reason keep responding negatively when I get to gods laws. I want to stay faithful, I really don't know why I've got such an aversion to gods laws. There must be something wrong with me." This is along the lines of what I was thinking everytime I thought something against a Bible verse.

 

I think everyone did at one point feel bad for questioning or flat out condemning the moral repugnant parts of the Bible, but how couldn't you condemn them? Just think about what you would think/say/do if the same things were done because they were commanded by some dictator instead of God?

 

 

About the medications, I've dealt with the same thing. I think that they can be helpful when getting yourself to a point where you can handle the issues underlying the illness. As Denyos said. I've been without medications for a while, only needing them from time to time to stabilize myself.

 

My own little theory is that my illness is from having a mentally instable mother, and lacking any stability growing up. Now, I've got to create that stability, and when I do, I get better and feel better. I don't have mood swings, I don't end up dealing with rageful anger that ends up in mania and then crashing down into depression and back again. I believe you can do it, you're intelligent and have a good head on your shoulders, and are able to see the nonsense and work your way through this shitty situation you're in.

 

You must always remember something though, after deconversion. Dont hold on to your anger, it will destroy you, believe me i know from experience what holding a grudge against Christianity will do to your mind.

Grudges are nasty things to hold onto. It's natural to get them. But I agree, for your own sake, forgive and don't let yourself hold anger on it. I too remember how angry I was about it. The only way to vent was to troll christian forums for years. I eventually just moved on, except for when people try to push their religion on me, I tend to get a bit snappy still. I'm working on that part. Its not worth your time nor energy.

 

You must always remember something though, after deconversion. Dont hold on to your anger, it will destroy you, believe me i know from experience what holding a grudge against Christianity will do to your mind.

 

Hi Kaiser, I'm not feeling particularly angry atm but will bear in mind what you say - by the way, do you have any tips on how to let go of anger generally? Just asking, as its something I've wondered about in the past - apart from physical exercise i'm not really sure what else would work.

The way I learned to do it, is a mix of things. Channel your energy into work, exercise and things you like. Try to make yourself happy with everyday things you can do for yourself. While you may not be angry at the time, it helps you to keep your mind positive, so that when anger does strike, it won't seem as important to you as it otherwise might.

 

Also, when angry, tell yourself "I really don't like (the thing causing you anger causing you anger because....), but its not worth it causing me stress."

 

Try to move away from that stress, but make sure you're acknowledging how you feel, and make sure you're focusing on moving beyond that stressor/causer of anger.

[Kaiser01]

You must always remember something though, after deconversion. Dont hold on to your anger, it will destroy you, believe me i know from experience what holding a grudge against Christianity will do to your mind.

 

Hi Kaiser, I'm not feeling particularly angry atm but will bear in mind what you say - by the way, do you have any tips on how to let go of anger generally? Just asking, as its something I've wondered about in the past - apart from physical exercise i'm not really sure what else would work.

 

We all must find i our way of release once we past the singularity point of no return for our pent up anger, i found mine in the most peculiar of places. Of course not everyone feels hurt, and you may not, i didn't exactly feel hurt but i gained a bitterness and a biased animosity. I actually let go with the help of seeing a Christian Theologian. I saw him once a week and we would discuss Christianity and biblical apologetics, the man impressed me so much with this more intellectual form of Christianity that i almost went back. Well, i never did, since upon further study his positions and arguments seemed less than convincing anymore. But the reason it helped me let go, was the first time i deconverted i was forced too, it was a realization that i acquired through years of depression. But, considering what this theologian had to say, a second time, i rejected it, not by emotion but under intellectual scrutiny.

 

For example, if a scientologist comes up to you trying to tell you about Zenu and the good news, do you get angry at him? No, you simply disagree and move on. It was the same way.

[rachel15]

Thanks for your post Kaiser.

 

At the moment I'm not sure what the biggest problem is - the mental illness or the issue of leaving Christianity and working out what I believe.

 

I know that in the past I've had times where its seemed to me that there's been a presence of evil, and there's also been times when there's been a presence of good.

 

That's where I am at the moment - pondering questions like what is a person's conscience? why do some people have more or better morals than others? when a person hears voices are they from the self or are they from beings outside the self?

 

My housework has been non-existent this past week and i'm spending most of the time on the internet. Well I'd best get on ...

 

[rachel15]

Well, a few months have passed and this is where I am up to. I've realised how I've been majorly traumatised by my parents/carers when I was growing up by emotional neglect, emotional abuse and some other events. I also realise that getting involved in Christianity when they told me my symptoms of hearing voices etc was demonic just compounded the trauma and abuse because it instilled a sense of fear, added to my sense of guilt/unworthiness and of being excluded/different from other people.

 

However, having left Christianity hasn't meant that things have been magically made better. Unfortunately I am in a shitty situation basically because I am trying to recover from the trauma issues by myself - I can't afford therapy, my sickness benefit is about to be cut and I am having to look for full-time work even though I also have poor physical health. I'm so gutted that I invested so much time, energy, money, belief into the church organisation when my own needs weren't being met. I wasted a lot of valuable years of my life which could have otherwise been spent in recovery.

 

I just don't know where to go from here. If you're reading this please don't be harsh or critical here, because I don't think I cope with very much. If anyone has insight into the links between abuse/neglect or religion, I'd be interested to know to help process some of whats happened.

[wanderinstar]

Hi Rachel, You must be going through a range of intense emotions trying to process all that. Be gentle on yourself, you are much braver and stronger than you realise it will just take time to stabilise. My heart really goes out to you hearing all that you have been through and especially the fact that you are going through this alone. We may not be able to give you real hugs but keep in mind you have genune support here. I have found everyone to be very patient, kind and caring and rarely see any judgement going on. If you feel able to keep posting by making new threads under topics that interest or concern you. This online interaction is helping me feel more connected at the moment so maybe it could help you.

 

My journey has some similarities to yours as I became christian fifteen years ago while severely depressed and later developed PTSD when a new trauma triggered off childhood traumas. Soon after that I was led into the horrible world of deliverence ministry as I and my pastor were certain I was under heavy demonic oppression. I heard and saw demons at times and genuinely believed it was real. Unfortunately this only made me become more unwell psychologically and only now I am free from christianity's cluches am I able to see clearly enough to even have a chance at healing. I am seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, the medication is a lifesaver and the therapy helps me put the pieces together. I have spent over 12 months in total in psychiatric hospitals over the last three years along with several suicide attempts so ill have I been. Along with this I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which at present make me unable to work. I say this to let you know I understand what it is like to be severely ill as many others on this site do too so please know you are not alone.

 

As you cannot get therapy you may find joining a mental health forum (say bipolar) helpful. The support and infirmation from the other people might help you work through things until you are in a position to afford a therapist. Since you are in the UK I was wondering why your benefits have been cut. I am on a disibility pension here in Australia and it is providing me with some space to recover and prepare for work. Can a doctor to assess you to have your benefit reinstated? It sounds to me like you would be a valid candidate. If not ar you able to start working p/t to ease in slowly? I am really concerned for you with the amount of stress you have with only minimal support. Take care and send me a personal message if you want to.

[rachel15]

Thanks for your post wanderinstar - I appreciate you taking the time to write. The benefits system here has become much harsher and a little crazy with assessments for sickness with ridiculous questions like 'can you set an alarm clock' or 'can you use a washing machine' and if you say yes then you score zero points. I feel really exhausted when I try and think about it, so I think I need to have a rest. I hope to write to you by pm.

[RachelSkates]

Hello Rachel-

 

My heart went out to you while reading your story! I almost died because of the "trust in God" issues surrounding an illness I had. Here is my story--

 

http://new.exchristi...l#disqus_thread

 

I live every day with the trauma that I can't purge from my mind. Xianity and mental illness can be deadly.

 

A friend of mine sucided when she got involved with a fundy church. She had gotten away and then went back and it just killed her . She could not understand why "God would not help" her. I kept telling her, because God is not there!

 

When she was not trying to please the Egomaniac In the Sky, she would do so much better.

 

She left a note which was a prayer to God: "Jesus, you know why I am doing this."

 

To this day, I can't stand it.

[rachel15]

Hello Rachel-

 

My heart went out to you while reading your story! I almost died because of the "trust in God" issues surrounding an illness I had. Here is my story--

 

http://new.exchristi...l#disqus_thread

 

I live every day with the trauma that I can't purge from my mind. Xianity and mental illness can be deadly.

 

A friend of mine sucided when she got involved with a fundy church. She had gotten away and then went back and it just killed her . She could not understand why "God would not help" her. I kept telling her, because God is not there!

 

When she was not trying to please the Egomaniac In the Sky, she would do so much better.

 

She left a note which was a prayer to God: "Jesus, you know why I am doing this."

 

To this day, I can't stand it.

 

Hi RachelSkates,

 

I'm really sorry that I did not reply sooner, but I just got overwhelmed with stress and had to rest and try and sort myself out better - so it's taken me a while to come back here.

 

I did read the thread you posted before, but need to look at it again to remind myself what happened. I have joined a couple of sites for adult survivors of abuse and am learning a bit more about recovering from trauma - and one site mentioned a couple of books which might be helpful - if you are interested let me know and I will share a link.

 

I'm very sorry to hear of the tragedy involving your friend. It's so awful and I can completely understand because that is so nearly what happened to me. I tried several times to OD and also could not understand why God did not help and was wrestling with extremely bad feelings about myself, which occurred not only because of the past but because God wouldn't reply to my prayers or be there and everyone was telling me to turn to him. (One of several mind-f*****)

 

The thing is that I still want to believe in God in some way, something good, someone or something that offers hope and is truthful and protective. On top of that I have a couple of Christian friends who really want me to see the light. To me the world and the universe seems so crazy - there are some beautiful lovely wonderful or good things, but shit happens and there are some awful painful tragic or bad things.