My Personal Struggles List

[bloodyengel]

This is simply a list of several things that I am struggling with and that I am aware of. I have been trying to rework and think and understand xianity for a long time. I started researching Satanism when I was 16, then orthodox xianity, then gnosticism in which I ended up thinking even more cult like due to the nature of their particular teachings, then I researched Islam, and then paganism, and then after reading about paganism I realized this is all the same bullshit and went back to researching satanism as I didn't feel I was learning anything.

 

Research can be very addicting to me and I am trying to cut back

 

My personal problem list with leaving xianity

 

1. Sexual guilt- question monogamy, relationships vs casual sex.

2. Lack of reasoning skills- inability to say what I think and fight for it.

3. Dualism- is there a good vs evil component in the world or is it really all one?

4. Social anxiety- fear of the world which relates to number 3, but for me also stems from emotional neglect and being told neighbors were “weird.” Fear of the world due to fear of Hell.

5. Fear of debate due to fundy antics of circular reasoning, avoision, and shutting you down with fear i.e. “if you don’t believe this, then you’re going to Hell, so you better believe.” This was basically my mother's argument when telling her I was bisexual a few years ago.

6. Fear of xians seeing books on atheism, other religions (in my case Satanism), porn, or books on sex, etc. The lack of understanding by xians is astounding and extremely frustrating. Though right now I only have one xian friend who I talk to, I'm also very nervous about how I act or what is out and about. (Though she's fairly moderate and probably doesn't even care.)

7. Belief in the One True Way- The false teaching that makes you want to grab onto anything and everything and feel like you have something to stand on, when ultimately you don’t because of the lack of self-trust in the real world.

8. Lack of self-love, and lack of self trust- the realization that I hated myself for so long- I personally hated myself for most of my life. I was very depressed, and suicidal. It has taken me a long time to finally start to love myself and say fuck you to what’s around me, and what opposes me.

9. Fear of the present time, though this is the only time that really exists, it’s a very scary place to be after being in my head for so long that it's almost unreal, though it is the only real.

10. Defensiveness, pre-conceived, and during, and after which is also pre-conceived. Again, not staying in the present. I have a problem with being defensive, I cannot speak to a particular friend currently due to his fear of Satan as an actual being and my research of it. It comes from the xian shutting down as a response, so this is result of the abuse of number 5 by fundies.

 

So this is my current list I think.. Anyone else have any of their own lists?

[bloodyengel]

I would also like to add using relationships as a focal point. I have used relationships as a grounding, much like the church was for me when I was in it. But by doing this it ends up being codependent, my thoughts rely on the relationship and so forth rather than what I want out of life.

 

So ,

 

11. Codependence- not understanding my own wants and desires and unashamedly going after them.

[lunaticheathen]

I think working on 8 will open up working on all the others. Especially social anxiety and fear of people seeing what you read, or judgement, whether it be hell or just from fundies. Liking and loving yourself, just as you are, will cut down on the fucks you give about what other people think. Then you can tell them to shove it if they don't like you.

 

Find out who you are, what you want out of life, and love what you find. Christians/fundies can eat a bag of dicks if they can't love you along with you.

[Margee]

11. Codependence- not understanding my own wants and desires and unashamedly going after them.

 

You take care of # 11 first hon.....and then you'll be able to deal with the first 10. Guaranteed. Been there - done that.

Got the tee-shirt for being codependant. Best of everything and a big hug to you today!

[bloodyengel]

I think working on 8 will open up working on all the others. Especially social anxiety and fear of people seeing what you read, or judgement, whether it be hell or just from fundies. Liking and loving yourself, just as you are, will cut down on the fucks you give about what other people think. Then you can tell them to shove it if they don't like you.

 

Find out who you are, what you want out of life, and love what you find. Christians/fundies can eat a bag of dicks if they can't love you along with you.

 

I agree however, it's hard to do this if I can't even get myself out of my house, so that's why the social anxiety part comes into play. But yes, I am having a hard time loving what I find I suppose, I guess it's not that I don't, but it's hard to go out and get what I want.

 

 

11. Codependence- not understanding my own wants and desires and unashamedly going after them.

 

You take care of # 11 first hon.....and then you'll be able to deal with the first 10. Guaranteed. Been there - done that.

Got the tee-shirt for being codependant. Best of everything and a big hug to you today!

 

Codependence sucks. Mine is generally not related to relationships as I am out of them now, but it can relate to my clients (I'm a massage therapist.)

It actually came out with a friend a couple weeks ago so I haven't seen her since. She had a new moon ceremony and she started getting overwhelmed by someone else's energy and so I helped her kick them out and then basically took care of her so she wouldn't freak out. My therapist pointed it out that I was being quite codependent. And this is a pattern I had with the last woman I had a relationship with. It happened less at the end. But yeah, it's mainly something that happens with relationships for me, but I'm not in one anymore.

[mymistake]

Take it one step at a time. Celibrate the little victories and then use what you learn to make even more progress.

 

I've had some good results with self talk. I use to have to give myself a long speech. In time I would work that down to a simple phrase; then eventually just a single word. Now I am working on taking control with a positive thought. My next goal is to eliminate the self talk altogether.

[asanerman]

Welcome Bloodyengel

 

Developing emotional literacy takes a life time.

 

There are a thousand ways to authentic emotional richness.

 

The easiest way I've found to insanity is by narrowing my horizons, my mind, my enthusiasms, my community, my compassion.

 

I've discovered after years of exploring and recovering a fuller range emotion and rationality that there are no authentic rags-to-riches stories in the saga of emotional and rational maturity.

 

It takes time recovering. We've spent too many years in denying and ignoring, recover takes time and discipline.

 

My numbness, my boredom with the wastelands of confusion, my ambivalence, my depression, my emptiness etc. are the agents that motivate my wholeness--my sanity-my balance.

 

The road to a living hell is narrow.

 

The "highways" to emotional and rational authenticity are broad and there are many here that travel the broad highways.

 

May the searing heat of grief lead us all to the center of our own unique and particular potential.

 

I hope that you find much to learn from!

[bloodyengel]

Welcome Bloodyengel

 

Developing emotional literacy takes a life time.

 

There are a thousand ways to authentic emotional richness.

 

The easiest way I've found to insanity is by narrowing my horizons, my mind, my enthusiasms, my community, my compassion.

 

I've discovered after years of exploring and recovering a fuller range emotion and rationality that there are no authentic rags-to-riches stories in the saga of emotional and rational maturity.

 

It takes time recovering. We've spent too many years in denying and ignoring, recover takes time and discipline.

 

My numbness, my boredom with the wastelands of confusion, my ambivalence, my depression, my emptiness etc. are the agents that motivate my wholeness--my sanity-my balance.

 

The road to a living hell is narrow.

 

The "highways" to emotional and rational authenticity are broad and there are many here that travel the broad highways.

 

May the searing heat of grief lead us all to the center of our own unique and particular potential.

 

I hope that you find much to learn here!

 

That was very beautifully put! "The road to a living hell is narrow" Very cool....

 

I hope I find much to learn here as well. It's like I found somewhere that is a transition zone and not a destination zone.

[bloodyengel]

Take it one step at a time. Celibrate the little victories and then use what you learn to make even more progress.

 

I've had some good results with self talk. I use to have to give myself a long speech. In time I would work that down to a simple phrase; then eventually just a single word. Now I am working on taking control with a positive thought. My next goal is to eliminate the self talk altogether.

 

I have a hard time having real conversations with myself. For instance, some people come to atheism after logically deducing god exists. I don't know if this is true here, but atheists who are really hardcore atheists always seem to have a really philosophical approach. I've come to it through experience of other religions and realizing it's all the same shit. And I'm fed up with it. I'm tired of all the different moral perspectives, I'm tired of all the excuses, and I'm tired of the neglect of reality.

 

When I talk to myself I don't necessarily have an actual conversation with myself I pretend I'm having conversations with other people. I had no one to talk to as a kid so this is what I had to do. It's been hard to stop, but it's better than it was.

[asanerman]

... It's like I found somewhere that is a transition zone and not a destination zone.

 

That's a nice zone to find!

 

There are already too many "erroneous zones!"

[asanerman]

I have a hard time having real conversations with myself. For instance, some people come to atheism after logically deducing god exists. I don't know if this is true here, but atheists who are really hardcore atheists always seem to have a really philosophical approach. I've come to it through experience of other religions and realizing it's all the same shit. And I'm fed up with it. I'm tired of all the different moral perspectives, I'm tired of all the excuses, and I'm tired of the neglect of reality.

 

When I talk to myself I don't necessarily have an actual conversation with myself I pretend I'm having conversations with other people. I had no one to talk to as a kid so this is what I had to do. It's been hard to stop, but it's better than it was.

 

I had a friend suggest that I start listening to what I'm telling myself.

 

Once I developed the technique of listening I was astonished at how much I told myself that was bogus.

 

I discovered notions that weren't mine. They belonged to the "authorities" in my life--all the "big people" who had plans for me!

 

When I understood that I had a life of my own, I decided to start living "autobiographically."

 

While sifting thorough all the old trash of my life I discovered something very interesting. I found the treasures that had kept me alive and sane.

 

Once I learned to listen to what my grief, pain, sorrow, suffering had been trying to tell me I found my life buried under the rubble.

 

I've manged to re-created a story that I can live with, that respects and honors its author!

 

Once I understood who I could lean on and make decisions for, my life began to become my own.

 

I'm more than the "big people" could ever have imagined!

 

I'm more than I thought or told myself I was!

 

Even now, I'm still surprised about what I lead myself to believe!

[LaughingMan]

I found that having a community of other free thinkers and people who encourage you to be assertive and self reliant helps. I'd recommend attending a philosophy class at your local community college even. The way I have looked at religion is to separate it into philosophy and mythology. Philosophy is to be the main factor, the idea to help others, to work for a greater "good" and to find joy in helping your fellow man is not new. In fact, such a philosophy is central to pretty much all religions as humans are social creatures. However, as we have seen here, especially in the US, they focus more on mythology. Mythology was supposed to be used as a means to explain such philosophies to ancient peoples using the means to which they could understand. But as a species we have changed. I don't think we need the mythology, and thus no longer need to confine ourselves to it.

Spend some time alone in reflection, find out who you are. Take some classes; art, philosophy, sociology, psychology, and others. Start expanding your mind and then once you have reached that level of awareness of yourself, you can begin growing as to who you want to be.

[Guest Babylonian Dream]

11. Codependence- not understanding my own wants and desires and unashamedly going after them.

 

You take care of # 11 first hon.....and then you'll be able to deal with the first 10. Guaranteed. Been there - done that.

Got the tee-shirt for being codependant. Best of everything and a big hug to you today!

Yes, definitely, and I'm currently taking care of that part. It's funny though, because I thought I was going to become an uncaring sociopath, and instead I'm becoming a happier human being, who still cares about other people, but am just now starting to care about the human being I actually am as well. It's amazing. I'm still working through it though. I'm still not out of the woods.

 

I'm working on mine, the list is long, and I don't know where to begin.

[VeryBerry]

Take it one step at a time. Celibrate the little victories and then use what you learn to make even more progress.

 

I've had some good results with self talk. I use to have to give myself a long speech. In time I would work that down to a simple phrase; then eventually just a single word. Now I am working on taking control with a positive thought. My next goal is to eliminate the self talk altogether.

 

I have been using the self-talk strategy for a while now and it has been working for me. Like you, I have been replacing negative thoughts with a more optimistic outlook on things. Great advice MyMistake!

[Guest wester]

I used to think co-dependence was a problem until I lived in Korea. The entire country there is massively co-dependent in one form or another. Instead of pathologizing it like in America, they embrace it as the foundation of their society. It is all a matter of perspective.

 

My advice is read as much as possible. Expose yourself to lots of different points of view in history, psychology, sociology, politics. Study logical fallacies and rhetoric (not Aristotle - OMG so boring). And go traveling whenever possible.

 

Don't worry - you are not alone - your list of symptoms is standard across the American experience.

Be patient. You can get through it, evolve and adapt.

 

Stay strong and be careful out there.

[silentknight]

8. Lack of self-love, and lack of self trust- the realization that I hated myself for so long- I personally hated myself for most of my life. I was very depressed, and suicidal. It has taken me a long time to finally start to love myself and say fuck you to what’s around me, and what opposes me.

 

This is the most frustrating thing to me. The more mature I've gotten over time, the more I realized rationality is all we have in this world. It defines how we live life. You can't count on others to be "right" you have to weigh the evidence in situations that matter and decide for yourself.

 

The religious I know simply give up on that. They don't trust themselves to know what's best in their lives. They depend on someone else to tell them what to do any time a problem comes up. I want to grab their shoulders, shake them and scream "THINK!"