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new2me

I Am A Monkey Girl

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It was enjoyable to read, even if it was ridiculously long! :) Am glad you wrote it out - welcome to Ex-C.

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Guest Babylonian Dream

To be honest, I'm sure we could all write a gigantic novel on our experiences from being saved to deconverting. Also, the reason you didn't question the answers, is because like the rest of us, you wanted to believe and see good (and absolutely no bad) in the religion. Welcome aboard! I read it all, very well worth the time reading! :)

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As scary as it can be to adapt to life as an ex-Christian atheist, I also feel empowered by it. I see that good things and bad things randomly happen in life, and it’s not part of some messed up game or “master plan”.

Welcome to Ex-C! I read your story with great interest and I could really relate to a whole lot of it. It's amazing how long some of us hold on and keep trying to make the pieces fit.

 

Like you, fear kept me in at the tail end of my faith journey. I feel a tremendous peace now, and no fear. I love being an atheist and being an insignificant speck on this amazing planet.

 

I hope to hear more from you! beer.gif

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I enjoyed reading your extimony :) I could very much relate to that moment you first realised you were an atheist- I remember it well, for myself. "Me? An atheist?!"

 

Hope to see you around some more :)

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Welcome new2me! Thank you for taking the time to write your story out!! You have been through a lot ...but you are now home. Join the crowd of 'monkeys!! We LOVE being monkeys. Stay with us and we'll show you how to start having fun in your life!! yellow.gif

Great to have you!!

 

Sincerely, Margee biggrin.png

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Guest Babylonian Dream

Throws a banana to you and the rest of us primates.

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Thanks for sharing, new2me! It's nice to hear that your husband took your change of mind so well. I hope that he keeps a positive demeanor once it really sinks in. And I hope that you work out a good compromise for your kids. :)

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I tried as hard as I could to enjoy this boring routine. I tried as hard as I could to convince myself that it was meaningful. I asked Jesus to bless this time that we spent together so that I could feel his presence. Ultimately, I could not get past the emptiness I felt during this exercise and the acute feeling that I was just talking to the wall when I prayed, so I stopped doing it.

 

I've been there, and done that. For at least a year, I tried to have some sort of morning "quiet time" and Bible study for myself. I read through the entire Bible at least once doing this, and I don't think I ever got anything out of it, except boredom.

 

I had long since tired of banging my head against a wall to figure out how to “feel God’s presence”. I had no remaining desire to tell others about Jesus or attempt to convert them. I was weary of trying to manipulate the facts to make a case for the “truth” of the Christian teachings.

 

I can really identify with these feelings, too. I reached a point where I got pretty resentful toward God, and started thinking to myself, "If God wants people saved, let him do it himself. Why is telling everyone about Jesus my job, anyway?"

 

 

I know that this is a ridiculously long post, so if you’re still reading, thanks for listening. You will probably not believe that this is the edited, shortened version! I hope that my story can help others in some way.

 

Your post was long, but your writing skills made it worth reading. I look forward to reading more from you. Welcome to Ex-C!

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......

I knew I had to talk to my husband about this, but I was afraid that it would upset him. I couldn’t just keep it inside because it was upsetting me. When he came home from work one night, and we had a moment away from the kids, as my heart pounded in my chest I told him that I thought I was an atheist. He just looked at me and smiled, saying “That’s alright!” That was a relief. But I know he doesn’t totally understand where I am coming from. ....

 

It is at this point in your narrative I sense your ambivalent bondage is broken. It is in this act of communicating that the measure of your authentic independence shines through. The final "shattering" of that implicit belief that the world is controlled by others, that others posses a knowledge forever unknowable to you. A belief that, up to this this point has carried with it the humiliating demand for the approval and acceptance of those whom you deem superior i.e. the authorities both human and divine.

 

Instead of another condescending judgement you get a relieving, smile and a“That’s alright!” Not earth shattering yet a relief non the less! You mustered the courage for visibility and got it, even though you feel that "he doesn’t totally understand where I am coming from."

 

To experience the perspective of objectivity through and by means of the reaction and response of another human being is nothing short of emancipating--to be free from restraint, control, and the power of another-- how sweet it is!

 

The way in which I've experience visibility is to be understood by another human being. Mind you, not to be accepted or unconditionally loved but to simply be understood.

 

I'm encouraged by your husband's response!

 

A significant mutuality of intellect, of basic premises and values, of fundamental attitude toward life is the essence of visibility and authentic relationship. Sounds to me like your marriage has the all makings of authentic honoring, and mutual respect!

 

New2me I can only hope that you feel a sense mutuality, a sharing of sentiments, a sense of affinity, and attunement here at Ex-c!

 

Perhaps the relationships you build here will facilitate the unfoldings you, your spouse and your children are already experiencing!

 

Welcome!

 

Good to have you here!

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I realized that there were only two things that had held me to Christianity during all of this time I had been away from the church. The most obvious one was fear. The insidious one was the mental programming that resulted from being told my whole life that the Christian god was real and the Jesus story that was jammed into my brain for the first half of my life. That combination is what caused my otherwise curious, scientific mind to search only for corroborating evidence and find ways to explain away the parts that did not make sense

 

All of our stories contain similarities. At some point many of us realized it was the fear and indoctrination that captured our minds. Once you identify the problem then you can deal with fixing it. The initial problem is identifying what is holding you captive.

 

Telling your story is part of the deprogramming process. Glad you found us & welcome aboard.

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That is really a good extimony. We all sit with a tad bitterness but in my case it is wasted years and not keeping my eyes on the ball which was/is my family. Plus I tithed really big waay over and above so much so I was like 80% of the church's income at the time. Often they would call and say they need 10 or 12k to make salaries and I would transfer the funds.

 

Over and above that I kitted out the whole P&W team instruments, lighting out of my pocket and installed it too at my expense. So yeah I have a shitload to be bitter about. I drank too much Koolaide. This is like 300-350k over a 4 year period when my business was booming.

 

Just think of how many real and thankful memories (not to mention pics) I could have had if I say spent that on vacations with my kids. So yeah the church experience I had was not a pleasant one. Now I am pretty bad off and god nor the church are anywhere to be seen, that after I also helped distressed families out of my own pocket.

 

It is just one huge mind fuck and there is really no other way to describe it. Pity I cannot sue them.

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I see a lot of parallels in our stories. Thanks for taking the time to share, and welcome to ex-c.

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Hi new2me, awesome post. Willkommen Bienvenue. I agree a Uninitarian church would be a good compromise. As long as its well away from fundie christainity. just my opinion.

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Welcome, welcome :) I'm glad you took the time to write all that out, personally. My heart grieved for the little girl in her room who plaintively asked God, again and again, to touch her heart somehow. How crushing that must have felt. If there really were a Yahweh/Jesus, he'd have to be a total, heartless, cruel bastard not to at least do the tiniest little thing for a lonely little child. Gets me furious on your behalf, truly it does.

 

I'm glad you and your husband are on the same basic page about religion and so encouraged to hear that your arrival at the truth didn't cause too much friction and conflict at home. You two are very fortunate in this matter and I'm so happy about how well that worked out! I bet it feels so good to be free.

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Glad you have arrived New2Me. I am so sorry you travelled that path... It really is amazing how all of us have come here as a result of being a silent minority and painful product of a religious environment.

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Welcome, new2me. That was a great eximony. Now I've just added Monkey Girl to my reading list and I'm looking forward to reading it!

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Thanks everyone for your kind replies - I really appreciate the encouragement.

 

I actually don't feel angry or bitter about my experiences, although I probably should! Maybe I haven't gotten to that part of the deprogramming process yet. It does make me sad to think about how I could have lived my younger days with so much more freedom if I hadn't been chained to the myths of Christianity, but I also realize that even without those issues I still had a lot of growing up and self-discovery to do. I'm just glad I've gotten to the place where I am now. It does feel good to be free.

 

And I am also so glad that I have such a wonderful husband to share my life with. I'm glad that I waited for the right guy... it was a long wait! Even if we are never totally on the same page regarding our beliefs, I know that he will respect my feelings and not let it mess up our marriage. I know this makes me very lucky.

 

Again, thanks so much for your responses. I feel very welcome here!

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I actually don't feel angry or bitter about my experiences, although I probably should! Maybe I haven't gotten to that part of the deprogramming process yet. It does make me sad to think about how I could have lived my younger days with so much more freedom if I hadn't been chained to the myths of Christianity, but I also realize that even without those issues I still had a lot of growing up and self-discovery to do. I'm just glad I've gotten to the place where I am now. It does feel good to be free.

 

Not all of us do go through the bitterness stage, so there's nothing wrong with not going through it. Your experience is your own, and while there is often a common theme to our stories and our paths, they are all unique in their own way. I probably would have felt bitter had things gone differently with my sister when I came out of the closet. I can certainly understand how some people may feel bitter, when they lose their partners or are put through a lot of hardship by their family members hounding them. I pretty much managed to escape all of that. Where you are at is where you are at. Being in a different place to others does not mean you are any less of an ex-christian, nor that your story has less merit than anyone else's here, okay? :)

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