Should I Tell My Christian Friend I Am An Ex-C?

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

The only reason why I am asking the question that is in my title is because when I was still a Christian, or when I was trying to be one, I attempted to convert him and succeeded. I don't know if it's a good idea or a bad idea to tell my friend that my faith is gone and explain why. I'm nervous about telling him, because I don't know if it will hurt him or not.

 

I don't see him very often, so I have no idea how much of the Bible he really knows. I don't really know if he can be reasoned with or not when it comes to religion, so I don't know how this would turn out. I have hope that maybe if he can be reasoned with, he will somehow see the religion for what it is, but at the same time, the conversation might be pointless and only cause problems.

 

Since I was the one that converted him, I feel like I have poisoned his mind and it's my job to fix the damage I have caused. What should I do?

[mymistake]

If he is happy you don't need to worry about it.  If he starts having trouble with his faith or his religion starts giving him trouble in his life then an apology and simple explanation that you don't believe would do.  You don't have to make it fancy.

[movingon]

I agree with mymistake. Some people are happy living with a religion, and there really is no reason to take that away. At this point, I would just leave it be. You can explain your views if it comes up but I wouldn't force the issue

[maxmaxmaxmax]

Hi CG. I think I might know something of where you're coming from. There were a few people I was directly responsible for 'converting', plus I was a sort of youth leader and spoke fairly often in the main meetings, so I'm not sure but there could have been many others. This makes dealing with it particularly guilt-ridden because, like you say, you feel responsible for not just "poisoning their minds" but potentially a lifetime spent on the narrow path of faith. A path we now see as pointless at best, at worst destructive.

 

Since you have quite a few questions, why not meet up and start off asking those questions to figure out where he's at and take it from there? You could be surprised how seriously he's taking it. Meeting up and making the effort to stay in touch is good especially if you don't see each other often. I've managed to stay really good friends with even some of my most extreme christian friends, but some I've drifted apart from, and this is mostly because I've been too afraid to broach the 'topic'.

 

This could be one of those times where you decide what's most important to you, is it what he believes, his happiness, your happiness, the friendship? I'm not saying it's about having to choose one of these, but I've found sometimes it's good to reflect on the priorities and the best and worst case scenarios before going into a 'big conversation'. And also to acknowledge that we can't have control over others and what they believe or choose to do with their lives. So sometimes we might need to take a step back and let go.

 

Building on a point made by Mymistake, you might make an assessment about how happy he is with and without faith, which might depend on how many around him believe, how oppressive his relationship with god is, or how oppressive family and friends are about it, or perhaps he has very little community and support anyway, in which case he wouldn't be losing much. This is a weird one, because I lost a lot. But knowing what I know now, I would never trade the truth in a million years.

 

I do also strongly believe we shouldn't carry around the guilt of having 'converted' someone. Yes, I think recognize that it was wrong to manipulate another person or persuade them with half-truths or veiled threats of a different kind of friendship if they didn't believe, but on the other hand you were doing what you were convinced at the time was the best thing for them, and you did it out of love. In a way it's just one of the natural results of a poisonous belief system that some people will get stung and the venom will stick.

 

Of course they may not trust you to be the one to remove it. In fact the friends of mine in this position were totally confused what to think. They still wanted to be my friend, and still respected what I had to say because they saw I was genuinely searching for the truth each time I had the major change of mind. But I don't think they knew how to deal with me now saying the complete opposite of what I was preaching to them over the years that eventually led to their conversion.

 

In terms of how to go about it if you decide to try to reason with them. Many on here will tell you to be prepared for it being ultimately futile. You know yourself people really do have a lot invested in belief, so it does take a lot to be prepared to give up. You have to be in the right place and the option has to be there for you. If all your friends and family believe, there's such immense social pressure to continue that it's almost impossible. Almost, but not unheard of. In a way I'm tempted to give similar advice to what I used to give as a christian (be gentle, respectful, listen, ask questions, understand their worldview, tell your story), but that feels wrong somehow! I do think the 'tell your story' part is the most appropriate thing to do though, if you do decide to try something, because it's what he will be most interested in as your friend. Rather than start a debate which can easily lead into a fight. You can include the arguments that convinced you embedded in the story, just as long as you keep it relating back to you and your personal journey. I said to my best friend something like 'And I just gradually started to see that the reasons I initially had for believing weren't very good ones, and my faith didn't seem to be based on all that much'. She really appreciated this and though she remains christian, we maintain a good relationship.

 

These are my thoughts based on my own experiences, which have been both very positive and very negative (mostly from lack of contact). I am still learning as I pluck up the courage to talk to more christians I know about my deconversion. Hope it helps. Good luck.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

Thanks for the advice. I think maybe if he brings up the subject, I'll mention my deconversion, but unless that happens, I'll just keep quiet about it. 

[Jose]

I know this is a serious topic, but I just keep picturing the conversation going like this. By the way, for the duration of this imaginary conversation, your name is CG and your friend's name is Steve.

 

You - "Hey Steve! Hey! How have you been?"

 

Him - "Great! Oh man, it's nice to see you!"

 

You - "Yeah, you too! What have you been up to?"

 

Him - "The usual... work, school, family, church..."

 

You - "What? You still go to church?"

 

Him - "Yeah. Why wouldn't I?"

 

You - "Oh shit, man. Did you think I was serious with all that Jesus stuff?"

 

Him - "What?"

 

You - "Dude... I was just fucking with you, there's no god. You seriously bought into that nonsense?"

 

Him - "You're scaring me."

 

You - "What? Seriously? Be serious now... did you actually believe in that stuff?"

 

Him - "YES I BELIEVE IN 'THAT STUFF!'"

 

You - "Whoah, whoah! Simmer down, Betty. Why are you yelling? This is the funniest shit I've ever heard."

 

You pull out your phone and start dialing someone who knows about this in advance.

 

Him - "Who are you calling?"

 

You - "Barry."

 

Him - "For what?"

 

You - "Shh! It's ringing... hello? Yeah, hey Barry! It's CG. What? No, dude, listen to this... you remember that prank about Jesus we pulled on Steve? Yeah! Yeah! Dude! He thought it was real! Yeah! I KNOW... unbelieveable. Yeah, I'm with him now. This is fucking great... yeah, hold on."

 

Him - "What?"

 

You - "Barry wants to talk to you."

[Vigile]

I converted my best friend in HS.  Years later he contacted me and asked me 'how my walk with god was going'.  I responded that I was now an atheist.  It shocked him and he cut off all contact with me over it and wasn't even curious enough to ask for details.  It is what it is.  He opened the door, I was honest and he couldn't handle the truth.  I wouldn't go out of my way to tell your friend, but be true to yourself too.  His/her response is on them, not on you IMO. 

[Antlerman]

I don't really know if he can be reasoned with or not when it comes to religion, so I don't know how this would turn out. I have hope that maybe if he can be reasoned with, he will somehow see the religion for what it is, but at the same time, the conversation might be pointless and only cause problems.

 

Since I was the one that converted him, I feel like I have poisoned his mind and it's my job to fix the damage I have caused. What should I do?

A thought to look at before going that path is that isn't that what you felt in the first place in trying to convince him of the truth of the religion? Is this the same thing, except with a new truth you've found?

 

Personally, the only thing you should do (now as well as when you were a Christian), is simply share how you see things for yourself. That way you show respect to their views without coming off as condescending, which is a common trait of evangelicals of any stripe - the presumption they have the truth and you don't. That's the major turn off. If you share where you are at today, it doesn't have to reflect upon him or make him feel you're trying to convert him. If you can't find any way to respect his views for himself, views which were important to you at one point in your own life, than I would look at that in yourself first before embarking on this path.

 

Imagine if before you had simply shared with him something you found for yourself and he found value in it for himself without you trying to convert him. I wonder if there would be this feeling of guilt now for having converted him to something you changed your mind about. What about the future when you find something different than what you now see as the truth? Would you feel guilt for "misleading" him now as well? Maybe that's the real crux of this?

[RachelSkates]

I wish I knew what to say on  this. I wish I could stop living int he closet. I have to because of many social issues. Maybe some day

[FeelHappy]

I converted my best friend, 8-9 years ago he moved away and we've occasionally kept in touch throughout the years.  This year when he came down for my wedding, he told me how much easier his life would have been had he just listened to me and started following Jesus earlier.  I told him that I no longer believe and when asked why, I simply told him that while doing studying for seminary I lost my faith and that if you look and are honest with yourself you'll see there are some issues.

 

I didn't go into any details though, he married a fundamentalist woman and they seem happy together living their life to serve God, I think it would be a disservice to him if I were the person who showed him the truth and then likely put a huge strain on or ended their marriage (I feel this is something he should discover for himself).  In the future if they get separated or have questions I'll gladly answer them, but they're happy in the delusion and I feel no need to confront it.

 

Of course each situation is different, I'd be honest if asked but let him ask the questions and don't get into a meaningless debate (Christians have a way of being stubborn and putting their head in the sand until they're ready). 

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

I know this is a serious topic, but I just keep picturing the conversation going like this. By the way, for the duration of this imaginary conversation, your name is CG and your friend's name is Steve.

 

You - "Hey Steve! Hey! How have you been?"

 

Him - "Great! Oh man, it's nice to see you!"

 

You - "Yeah, you too! What have you been up to?"

 

Him - "The usual... work, school, family, church..."

 

You - "What? You still go to church?"

 

Him - "Yeah. Why wouldn't I?"

 

You - "Oh shit, man. Did you think I was serious with all that Jesus stuff?"

 

Him - "What?"

 

You - "Dude... I was just fucking with you, there's no god. You seriously bought into that nonsense?"

 

Him - "You're scaring me."

 

You - "What? Seriously? Be serious now... did you actually believe in that stuff?"

 

Him - "YES I BELIEVE IN 'THAT STUFF!'"

 

You - "Whoah, whoah! Simmer down, Betty. Why are you yelling? This is the funniest shit I've ever heard."

 

You pull out your phone and start dialing someone who knows about this in advance.

 

Him - "Who are you calling?"

 

You - "Barry."

 

Him - "For what?"

 

You - "Shh! It's ringing... hello? Yeah, hey Barry! It's CG. What? No, dude, listen to this... you remember that prank about Jesus we pulled on Steve? Yeah! Yeah! Dude! He thought it was real! Yeah! I KNOW... unbelieveable. Yeah, I'm with him now. This is fucking great... yeah, hold on."

 

Him - "What?"

 

You - "Barry wants to talk to you."

 

This is funny, although the real conversation would certainly not happen like that.

 

 

I converted my best friend, 8-9 years ago he moved away and we've occasionally kept in touch throughout the years.  This year when he came down for my wedding, he told me how much easier his life would have been had he just listened to me and started following Jesus earlier.  I told him that I no longer believe and when asked why, I simply told him that while doing studying for seminary I lost my faith and that if you look and are honest with yourself you'll see there are some issues.

 

I didn't go into any details though, he married a fundamentalist woman and they seem happy together living their life to serve God, I think it would be a disservice to him if I were the person who showed him the truth and then likely put a huge strain on or ended their marriage (I feel this is something he should discover for himself).  In the future if they get separated or have questions I'll gladly answer them, but they're happy in the delusion and I feel no need to confront it.

 

Of course each situation is different, I'd be honest if asked but let him ask the questions and don't get into a meaningless debate (Christians have a way of being stubborn and putting their head in the sand until they're ready). 

 

I agree that it's pointless to tell friends or family members that are still believers, if they are happy with their faith still. If my friend does ask, I'll try to be as honest as I can, without causing him to doubt because, like you said, he needs to discover the truth about Christianity on his own. If he does discover something is wrong with Christianity, maybe then would be a good time to have a discussion about it, if he wants to have one with me.

[Ro-bear]

Thanks for the advice. I think maybe if he brings up the subject, I'll mention my deconversion, but unless that happens, I'll just keep quiet about it. 

That sounds like the way to go.  I don't bring it up with people, but I'm honest when it comes up.

[falemon]

@Jose: that was hilarious

[Guest MadameX]

I'm the odd man out on this. I would say yes you owe it to this person to tell them where you're at.

[new2me]

 

Thanks for the advice. I think maybe if he brings up the subject, I'll mention my deconversion, but unless that happens, I'll just keep quiet about it. 

That sounds like the way to go.  I don't bring it up with people, but I'm honest when it comes up.

 

Yep, that's pretty much where I'm at, too.  I don't see any reason to discuss it with others unless it comes up in conversation.  Which for me is, like, practically never.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

I'm the odd man out on this. I would say yes you owe it to this person to tell them where you're at.

 

Why do you think I should? What if I do say something and it ends badly? He might still be my friend, but would probably be afraid of me going to Hell or something and then telling him would have been pointless.

[J.W.]

 

 

Since I was the one that converted him, I feel like I have poisoned his mind and it's my job to fix the damage I have caused. What should I do?

 

I have run into similar circumstances. Just be you with no apologies. If it comes to the subject tell them you are no longer practicing but avoid details. Its not really our place to decide their beliefs. We may have taken them there but its not up to us to get them out. The presumption that says we should convert them to Christianity- would be the exact same to say we should unconvert them. Who are we to decide what they believe, if we are a friend we will sidestep the beliefs that cause conflict and be accepting. Conversion is perversion- let it be. 

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

 

 

 

Since I was the one that converted him, I feel like I have poisoned his mind and it's my job to fix the damage I have caused. What should I do?

 

I have run into similar circumstances. Just be you with no apologies. If it comes to the subject tell them you are no longer practicing but avoid details. Its not really our place to decide their beliefs. We may have taken them there but its not up to us to get them out. The presumption that says we should convert them to Christianity- would be the exact same to say we should unconvert them. Who are we to decide what they believe, if we are a friend we will sidestep the beliefs that cause conflict and be accepting. Conversion is perversion- let it be. 

 

 

I agree completely. But I still feel like I am responsible for him believing in false things. If the subject ever comes up, he will want details if I say I no longer believe it.

[MissingLink]

I am struggling with this as well - how much to say and to whom.  After 54 years of considering myself a christian, people are understandably wondering why I have stopped attending church.(It's been about a year).  I have been a member of and sung with the praise team, led women's retreats, taught sunday school, etc.  On Christmas Eve, I attended the church service because my daughter and brother were singing a duet.  My brother is a quadriplegic, and writes and performs christian music.  *sigh*  (My daughter is not a strong believer - she just enjoys singing).  Anyway, mainly because of my brother, I have not spoken about my "deconversion" yet.  However, it was awkward having church members - people who I have called friends, and yet have nothing in common with outside of church - come up to me at the service and tell me how much they've missed me and wonder where I have been.  I didn't want to go into it, and yet I also didn't want to give the impression that I had just been lazy and would be returning soon.   And so, crazyguy, I have no words of advice or insight yet.  That's why I am here - to be among like -minded people and figure out how to navigate this new territory.  It sounds as though others here have good ideas about how to approach these types of situations.  I am here to learn.....

[Guest MadameX]

 

 

 

 

Since I was the one that converted him, I feel like I have poisoned his mind and it's my job to fix the damage I have caused. What should I do?

 

I have run into similar circumstances. Just be you with no apologies. If it comes to the subject tell them you are no longer practicing but avoid details. Its not really our place to decide their beliefs. We may have taken them there but its not up to us to get them out. The presumption that says we should convert them to Christianity- would be the exact same to say we should unconvert them. Who are we to decide what they believe, if we are a friend we will sidestep the beliefs that cause conflict and be accepting. Conversion is perversion- let it be. 

 

 

I agree completely. But I still feel like I am responsible for him believing in false things. If the subject ever comes up, he will want details if I say I no longer believe it.

 

Crazy guy if I were you I would feel a responsibility to clear up that you induced him to believe in things that you now know are not true.

 

I guess I see it somewhat like the recovery from addiction twelve-step program, and step 8 or 9 is to own up and to make amends.

[ExCBooster]

Hi, jwlink! Welcome!

 

I'm with the "be yourself" camp. I think I'd put it in the "not my problem" zone, unless it comes up, in which case, I'd be very honest about it. In an actual open argument, I lean towards no holds barred, anyway. They are your friend, after all, and there's the relationship (and whether it can survive), as well as honesty to consider.

 

So: don't go looking to start stuff, but be prepared to end it.

[J.W.]

 

 

 

 

Since I was the one that converted him, I feel like I have poisoned his mind and it's my job to fix the damage I have caused. What should I do?

 

I have run into similar circumstances. Just be you with no apologies. If it comes to the subject tell them you are no longer practicing but avoid details. Its not really our place to decide their beliefs. We may have taken them there but its not up to us to get them out. The presumption that says we should convert them to Christianity- would be the exact same to say we should unconvert them. Who are we to decide what they believe, if we are a friend we will sidestep the beliefs that cause conflict and be accepting. Conversion is perversion- let it be. 

 

 

I agree completely. But I still feel like I am responsible for him believing in false things. If the subject ever comes up, he will want details if I say I no longer believe it.

 

 

Thats why you use the softer version by saying you are not practicing- e.i. going to church. I got away with saying I no longer felt like for a long time. Eventually they got the drift, and stopped going too

[TrueFreedom]

I am struggling with this as well - how much to say and to whom.  After 54 years of considering myself a christian, people are understandably wondering why I have stopped attending church.(It's been about a year).  I have been a member of and sung with the praise team, led women's retreats, taught sunday school, etc.  On Christmas Eve, I attended the church service because my daughter and brother were singing a duet.  My brother is a quadriplegic, and writes and performs christian music.  *sigh*  (My daughter is not a strong believer - she just enjoys singing).  Anyway, mainly because of my brother, I have not spoken about my "deconversion" yet.  However, it was awkward having church members - people who I have called friends, and yet have nothing in common with outside of church - come up to me at the service and tell me how much they've missed me and wonder where I have been.  I didn't want to go into it, and yet I also didn't want to give the impression that I had just been lazy and would be returning soon.   And so, crazyguy, I have no words of advice or insight yet.  That's why I am here - to be among like -minded people and figure out how to navigate this new territory.  It sounds as though others here have good ideas about how to approach these types of situations.  I am here to learn.....

That's been a huge challenge for me as well!  How do you drop out of leadership without everyone assuming that you are either  slacking or sinning?  After about five years I am still leaving some people guessing.  I wish that there was an easy way to change gears...

[buffettphan]

I am struggling with this as well - how much to say and to whom.  After 54 years of considering myself a christian, people are understandably wondering why I have stopped attending church.(It's been about a year).  I have been a member of and sung with the praise team, led women's retreats, taught sunday school, etc.  On Christmas Eve, I attended the church service because my daughter and brother were singing a duet.  My brother is a quadriplegic, and writes and performs christian music.  *sigh*  (My daughter is not a strong believer - she just enjoys singing).  Anyway, mainly because of my brother, I have not spoken about my "deconversion" yet.  However, it was awkward having church members - people who I have called friends, and yet have nothing in common with outside of church - come up to me at the service and tell me how much they've missed me and wonder where I have been.  I didn't want to go into it, and yet I also didn't want to give the impression that I had just been lazy and would be returning soon.   And so, crazyguy, I have no words of advice or insight yet.  That's why I am here - to be among like -minded people and figure out how to navigate this new territory.  It sounds as though others here have good ideas about how to approach these types of situations.  I am here to learn.....

 

 

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