Why Do I Feel Guilty? ... Thinking About My Mom And Her God Delusion :(

[falemon]

My mum loves me so much and now I feel really guilty when I look back at all the things she tried to do to make me a better person. Like the Sunday school she sent me to, because in her eyes she was raising up a child who she can proudly say has been educated about God.

 

But it's all a delusion  It's like sometimes I look at her and knowing she means well but was so misguided.

 

I don't know if I'm expressing it, but the extent of her mind just seems all so primitive now. And I know that I belonged to it, but from the outside looking in on christianity, it is like looking back on a lost tribe of simpletons believing that sacrificing their firstborn will please the rain gods

 

What's worse is that she has asked me to shield my views from my younger siblings because I'm influential. Such misguided concern. It's like she is trapped inside of a painting unaware I'm on the outside. She walks from wall to wall lamenting about this and that, pondering about the world inside of the frame, but never realising it is all a construction, just a mirage, and that her thoughts bear no relation to the real world as it truly is.

 

I think back to my fond memories where she taught me basic progressions and improvisations, where she taught me to type and write in short hand, and the prayer book she got me as a child that I treasured and the children's book of bible stories I've probably mentioned a few times in previous posts. But for some reason I feel a sense of guilt and sorrow, the same sorrow you would feel if you had discovered a loved one had to be admitted to a psychiatric ward, wheeled away along the pale coloured corridors and through the sliding doors.

 

It might be because of the intimate knowledge of the ups and downs in her life through all the memories she has shared with me. It might be because the role of religion was forged into my perception of my mother, and so my memories of her are painted through the lens of my lost faith. My identity of her has been shattered. She is no longer the mother who nursed me, she is no longer my teacher and she is no longer wiser than me.

 

Her distortion of reality confines her to a corner while I traverse a map unreachable by her available routes. My world is grand while hers is small. She cannot see her chains but I can see the bruises on her wrist. She calls out my name because she cannot escape her cavern, she does not know I am far gone because she does not know there is an outside. She does not know how much wide open space is really out there.

 

I lift my helmet, the helmet she gave me for protection and I can hear through my naked ears the great depths of the noisy outside. I can feel the crashing waves of the nearby ocean. I can sense vibrant souls of nature, colourful birds and giant clouds rumbling in the sky, the immense scale of our existence, the land that is available to all living creatures, the total freedom and the largeness of this magnificent World.

 

No longer am I guided by my mother and in awe of my father. Now I walk alone into a greater unknown.

 

---

 

 

Just thought I'd put this out there ... ... ... almost feel like I've said it all before, sorry if I have :/

[alpha centauri]

Guilt is one of the primary emotions used to foster Christianity -- in fact, if there was no guilt, there would be no Christianity -- no reason for it.

 

It's only natural that a sense of that guilt lingers, but you know the difference in right and wrong, in myth and reality.

 

One of the reasons you probably feel a sense of loss is that the tables have turned -- it is a parent who believes in something as logical and true as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, and you have grown up and no longer have that same childlike faith in something that simply isn't real.

 

I envy you in a way. My mother was mean and cruel to me most of my life, and it was my great-grandmother who was more like a mom to me. When she died at the age of 100 back in 2008, it was devastating. I never realized why my mom despised me so much (and would say the most awful things to me -- even on the way to church) until my grandmother said something very enlightening.

 

My mom and my great-grandmother were close until I was born, and gradually she pulled away from my mom and I became her favorite. I did nothing to make this happen, but my mom was also mean to my great-grandmother and said hateful things to and about her. She pushed people away by being so caustic.

 

Interestingly, my great-grandmother was a nonpracticing Jew who once told me she didn't believe in hell. My grandmother is also not a Christian and has opposed all attempts by my mom to convert her.

 

My mom is a dedicated fundamentalist, and although she is nice sometimes, she's also the meanest of the lot.

 

So while I know you feel a sense of loss about your mom and her clinging stubbornly to falsehood, you can at least be thankful that you were able to experience what is a more normal and loving relationship with your mom. Some of us didn't have that luxury. It's nothing to feel bad about, just the way this crazy world works out sometimes.

 

Walking into the great unknown is a fantastic adventure, and while it can be sad that childhood stories have to be set aside for the truth, it's that exploring spirit that has led to awesome discoveries in our world and beyond.

[Sheerbliss]

Beautifully put!

 

I'm going through the same thing with a family member, and just today, someone said, "If they ask for your opinion and then don’t like it I think that’s their issue not yours. Just tell them you’re putting the moose on the table. :)" You can't be responsible for your mother's thoughts, and you shouldn't stop yourself from growing up to remain a child with someone else.

[falemon]

I definitely see where you're coming from.

 

I think someone here made a point that when you grow internally you can soon become alone in your thoughts being unable to find someone to communicate your newfound ideas with. In this case I guess the excitement of exploring the unknown is at contention with the feeling of leaving my loved ones behind. Now I don't expect to be alone, but it has been far too long that I have thought on a level that is clearly beyond my parents level of thinking.

 

Don't get me wrong they are intelligent, somewhat thoughtful and knowledgeable, but they seem to have no greater experience and understanding than I do anymore. It sort of feels like I am the eldest one and they are still growing children.

 

I am thankful for what I have had, and I imagine your experience with your mother is only testament to the fact that each human being is an individual with complex relationship dynamics, needs and experiences.

 

Well thanks for sharing.

[owen652]

That was really beautiful

[J.W.]

 

No longer am I guided by my mother and in awe of my father. Now I walk alone into a greater unknown.

 

 

This reminds me of the Thomas Cole "Voyage of Life" paintings for some reason

[Sybaris]

It's all very similar to the abused wife syndrome and the excuses she gives to the children.

[inorbit]

It might be because of the intimate knowledge of the ups and downs in her life through all the memories she has shared with me. It might be because the role of religion was forged into my perception of my mother, and so my memories of her are painted through the lens of my lost faith. My identity of her has been shattered. She is no longer the mother who nursed me, she is no longer my teacher and she is no longer wiser than me.

 

Yes, this.  You have perfectly described the heartache I have been struggling to adequately express.  Combine this with my mother's recent strokes, and the effect is exponentially magnified.  It is a difficult and strange transition, worse than any previous one in the relationship-- even that awkward one during early adulthood.  She clings more vigilantly to her "relationship with God" and, like for you, I've seen the terrible ups and downs her life has taken, so I know how much her religion means to her.  I know her heart is truly in it and her motives are good.  At this point, it is too late (and would be cruel) to seek to take that from her.

 

Being formerly in ministry, she was so proud of me, and that was the common ground we spoke so much about.  It is not the case anymore, and we both sense the loss.  Her sense of loss is amplified by concern for my soul.  It's... it's a tough spot, for both of us.  I am not sure yet the best way to navigate forward.  For now, I still do my best to honor her, never belittling or being cruel.  I do hide how completely my faith is lost.  I can still "talk the talk" around her.  As much as I hate being a hypocrite, I hate hurting her way more.  She's a mom.  I'm sure she sees right through it.  But, she's happy to play along.

 

The loss of my mother as the bright, intelligent woman, the beacon of wisdom who helped light the way for my life... That loss is really, really tough.  Part of it is that she is so changed by her strokes, and part of it is how I am so changed by my loss of faith.

 

 

[R. S. Martin]

Falemon, your OP is beautiful. It sounds like you're maturing mentally and emotionally while your mother has developed her views and feels responsible to pass them on to her children. Sometimes parents never figure out how to let go of their children, they never realize that the children are adults and have grown up into their own persons.

 

I was in my thirties when I realized that I could no longer trust my mother to take care of me because I had grown smarter than her. It was painful for me to realize but it was best all around. By now she is gone but Dad is still here. I listen when he talks and respect him as a person, but I do not seek his advice when it comes to how to live my life as a mature adult in today's world.

 

As for not sharing your beliefs with your siblings. I don't know how old they are. If they are still under your parents' care, and your parents are not hurting them, it seems you should probably not interfere with their upbringing. If they are adults, it seems to me it depends whether or not they wish to discuss these things with you. If they do, I think you should feel free to discuss in the absence of your mother. Don't disrespect her by discussing your nonbelief in her presence unless the topic is raised.

 

Respect all around is what I see as being important--respect for yourself and everyone else. No need for guilt just because you've grown up, as children should, and waxed strong in wisdom and stature to use some old-fashioned language.