I Tried To Believe

[MissingLink]

It's funny - when I was a christian, I always avoided having to give a "testimony".  I had been raised in the church - and didn't feel I had an "exciting" conversion story.   Since discovering this site about a month ago, I have wanted to post something in the Testimonies section, but again, I have no dramatic story of deconversion.  I actually belonged to a fairly liberal, loving, supportive congregation.   So when I sat down to put my thoughts on paper, these 1st 4 lines came out....and from there, I just had fun with it, and when I was finished, I realized I had my story.  

 

 

                       Finally Free

            

I tried to believe in the things I was taught:
God, Jesus, and the holy ghost.

I prayed; I sang; I knelt; I gave

My tithes, my gifts, my offerings.

 

But the voice of reason kept telling me

This isn’t true!  This just can’t be!

Adam and Eve, Noah’s ark, parting seas, virgin birth,

Miracles, resurrection, the dead walking the earth -

 

Nowhere was there evidence these things had occurred!
No proof of the presence of a loving god.

 

If he were real, we would know, for our prayers would be answered

He would make himself known in a way that was tangible,

 

Instead of only providing empty words and cliches

To those who are grieving or hungry or in pain.

And the bible has horrible stories of men

Who killed and raped and enslaved others when

 

Told to by a god who condoned such things

As blood sacrifice, torture, and suffering.

 

So I turned towards science and away from religion
To understand my world and all of creation.

I have now found peace in the remarkable journey
Of life on this planet.  And I no longer worry

About sin or guilt or heaven or hell.
I am finally free!  I can think for myself!

[TrueFreedom]

Thanks for sharing that, Julilyn.  Are you an open unbeliever?  Do you identify as atheist or some other label?  Have you managed to make the transition without facing rejection and condemnation?  That would be an unusual and encouraging story...

[new2me]

Welcome Julilyn!

 

I always shuddered at the thought of giving my "testimony" for the same reason.  If you read my extimony, you'll see why... I asked Jesus several times to come into my heart because I wasn't sure that he did it the first time.  Or the second.  Or the third.  So my story wasn't exactly a ringing endorsement of the peace and perfect assurance that the church sells.

 

My deconversion was a slow march with an absence of drama at the end, too.  I wasn't sure I had much of a story but was glad when I finally wrote it all down.

 

I really enjoy seeing the different creative ways that people tell their stories.  Yours is a beautiful poem!

[Ravenstar]

Thank you for sharing. So true...

[alpha centauri]

Thanks for sharing your testimony.

 

I agree that it defys explanation that a loving, all-knowing, all-powerful god would endow his creation with reason, and then damn them for using that reason!

[Eugene39]

That's probably the most concise poem about deconverting that I've ever read. I loved it and am glad you posted it.

[MissingLink]

True Freedom

Thanks for sharing that, Julilyn.  Are you an open unbeliever?  Do you identify as atheist or some other label?  Have you managed to make the transition without facing rejection and condemnation?  That would be an unusual and encouraging story...

 

Haha! I'm laughing because In church groups I was told (nicely) that I needed to share a little more of my personal story.  I'm somewhat introverted - I don't mind talking, just not about myself. 

 

So to give a little more...... I consider myself humanist/atheist - but I am a closet atheist -  only my immediate family (husband, 3 grown children) knows.  My children are basically non-religious; they were raised in church, but don't attend now.  They were accepting - albeit a little shocked.  My husband is having a some trouble with it.  He has doubts, but can't imagine a life without believing in god......... so he doesn't want to talk about it....... And I want to talk about it.

 

My church friends/acquaintances are just wondering what has happened to me in this last year since I stopped attending.  It is quite awkward running into them in the grocery store or post office (I live in a small, religious, conservative, southern community).  I get the "We really miss you!" (with a ? at the end) which is nice, but that is not the time or place for me to go into it.   I also realized that my church friends were simply that - friends that I did "church stuff" with.  Outside of church - nothing.

 

One main thing is holding me back from being more open - and that is my 45 year-old quadriplegic brother who lives with my husband and me.  He broke his neck in a diving accident when he was 24. He has some function in his arms - enough to drive a specially equipped van with hand controls.....and write/perform christian music in churches around our area.    ****sigh****  And there is my big dilemma.  Writing and performing christian music gives his life pupose and meaning.  I don't have the heart to tell him I no longer believe.

[Ross]

That is truly a great testimony. Thank you for sharing that.

[TrueFreedom]

I appreciate your situation, Julilyn.  I know that my family's absence from church is breaking hearts and leaving people questioning, but we don't want to drive a final nail by sharing with loved ones where we stand on their cherished beliefs.  Some of them have a pretty good idea of where I stand, but they still hold out hope and concern for my wife and kids.  We're still very involved in fundamentalist Christian circles, and it's a complicated issue.

[RipVanWinkle]

That's beautiful. You know, Julilyn, the most insulting and frustrating thing about Xtians to me is that they refuse to concede that there are people who earnestly, with all of their hearts, wanted to believe in a loving christian god and have faith but could not do it. 

Pretending was not satisfactory. But god was and is totally unresponsive to these people, who include me and I believe every menber hereof. To say these frustrated people are the problem is cruel; but that is exactly what they do.  bill

[MissingLink]

Thanks so much to all of you for your kind words and affirmations!   I am so glad for this site - Reading through the forums has been such an enlightening and validating experience!! 

[mymistake]

Nice poem!

[Denyoz]

Beautiful, simple, yet powerful extimony.  Thank you for sharing and welcome to the Land where the Christian God is not worshipped.