Almost fessed to wifey

[Bongo]

So last night, she was talking to me, almost teary but not quite, that she's disappointed that our son isn't showing enough interest in the Sunday night youth group, and that our daughter is saying she wants to quit Awana.

 

Awana--that's a whole other Rant!!

 

Of course, on the inside, I'm thinking, "Thats because my kids dont want to spend the entire fricking sunday at church! Yay! They are taking my lead! They're not being successfully brainwashed! They'll have a life!!"

 

Then she mentions how she feels like she's the only parent in the house who's bothered by this and that she feels like she's the main spiritual leader.

 

"UH OH. TREAD VERY CAREFULLY HERE," I think to myself.

 

I know I want to unshackle myself of this faking-a-christian crap, and maybe it would be wonderfully unshackling to fess up, and wow, what if it turned out ok? However, I know that whatever I next say, there's no way to un-say it. "Careful, this is real...no rewind", I tell myself.

 

I dont deny what she's saying and I say, "Well, I go through these low and high 'periods' in my 'walk', and right now I'm not..." and "Yes, that would make you the main leader right now."

 

Thankfully, she didn't ask any point blanks, because I just might give her the answer.

 

If I do, the truth will probably break up the family. More trouble than it's worth. But sometimes...the idea of being free ........

 

 

 

Bongo

 

 

PS. Someday, I'll probably start a topic "Well I told the wife". But not this day!

[pandora]

Wow... that must be really hard to keep it from your wife like that. I thought that she knew but you had just compromised and were going to attend church anyway.

 

I would have laughed my head off if I were in your shoes... you have amazing self control. I remember when a girlfriend came to me about her being uncomfortable about having the stronger faith compared to her fiance (and thus she was going to be the spiritual "leader"). Even then as a Christian, I thought it was a crazy thing to be worried about. I can't imagine thinking that way about my family... how degrading and stupid!!!!

 

Awana... I went to that for about a year in elementary school. It is like girl scouts/boy scouts on speed for Jesus. I hated it.

 

How are you able to keep everything from her? Dont you have books and such that she could find? Maybe she would be a little understanding and atleast read some of the stuff that you have? I couldn't keep it from my spouse when I was the one who went first... it was a huge barrier in our relationship until I told him and then he followed suit. *whew*

[Dianka]

Bongo really, you guys would break up over this?

 

I just can't believe it. Maybe it will be devistating, but then people stay together when one person cheats on the other. It would just be kind of sad.

 

But if your kids are anything like I was, they will hope that you two seperate. However, I don't think your relationship is nearly as destructive as my parent's relationship was.

 

I hope your wife realizes that you can't be everything she wants - it's normal.

 

If she ever finds out, no doubt it would be a shitty year, but things would even out, no?

[Dio]

PS. Someday, I'll probably start a topic "Well I told the wife". But not this day!

I understand completely why you haven't fessed up. I haven't even told my ex. I just don't need the headache, or rather, one more headache, because she's likely to think our kids would be corrupted by spending time with a nonbelieving father. No way I'm going there. Not when my kids are young and impressionable. I figure I've got to do this for the next 8-10 years minimum. But for you, it must be much harder, having to deal with it on a daily basis. Hang in there.

[asdf99]

bongo -- I played the same game you did in my previous marriage and its really hard to do. Eventually I came clean and it did go down hill from there. My ex-wife was so appalled with my skepticism that she didn't want to have anything to do with it. Of course there were other problems but me coming clean didn't help. If we hadn't had those other problems I would have done my best to make it work out in spite of our religious differences. Now I’m with an atheist woman and I am very much in love with her. She was never a Christian before but she says if I ever turned back she’d leave me. She can hardly stand the fact that my daughter is getting sucked into Christianity on her moms’s side of things. The religious differences are even hard after our divorce. My ex wife has tried to take my daughter away from me because I don’t go to church nor am I religious anymore. I’ve been in the courts 4 times now and have won each case. Its not been easy but I’m so thankful I still have my daughter in my life. That is worth more to me than all the money in the world. Anyway. I wish you the best. And if I were you I’d try to make it work in spite of your religious differences if at all possible.

[Dianka]

bongo -- I played the same game you did in my previous marriage and its really hard to do. Eventually I came clean and it did go down hill from there. My ex-wife was so appalled with my skepticism that she didn't want to have anything to do with it. Of course there were other problems but me coming clean didn't help. If we hadn't had those other problems I would have done my best to make it work out in spite of our religious differences. Now I’m with an atheist woman and I am very much in love with her. She was never a Christian before but she says if I ever turned back she’d leave me. She can hardly stand the fact that my daughter is getting sucked into Christianity on her moms’s side of things. The religious differences are even hard after our divorce. My ex wife has tried to take my daughter away from me because I don’t go to church nor am I religious anymore. I’ve been in the courts 4 times now and have won each case. Its not been easy but I’m so thankful I still have my daughter in my life. That is worth more to me than all the money in the world. Anyway. I wish you the best. And if I were you I’d try to make it work in spite of your religious differences if at all possible.

 

 

I stand corrected

 

=~(

 

 

*logging this in with the rest of the reasons why I am an atheist...

[Caretaker]

Perhaps you might urge your wife to unjudgementally inquire your children as to why they want to discontinue those activities, and plant a message somehow to convey that you wouldn't want your kids hating you for forcing them into something they don't want.

[Ouroboros]

Bongo, have you ever seen the movie "Equilibrium"?

 

It's about how the government gives everyone drugs to supress their emotions. Because they claim all wars and social problems arise from emotions, art, creativity etc. Now there's this guy that persecute people that revolt, but he turns around, and then he has to hide his emotions from the government. It's an sci-fi/action movie, but quite interesting, since I can't help but see a slight correlation here.

[Poonis]

Divorce or other relationship breakup occurs once the Christian discovers the other is not a christian, and I have never heard of the non-christian being the one to initiate divorce proceedings.

[Pariah]

""Careful, this is real...no rewind", I tell myself."

 

I have to remind myself of that often too.

[Guest JPD]

Familes "break up" every day, and everyone usually survives it. If that's why you're living a lie, then I don't think it's a good enough excuse. I'm not presuming to tell you what to do, but there is no way in hell I could pretend to be a christian with the people I care about. That would truly be more trouble than it's worth. And I think your kids would benefit greatly by you taking a stand for what you believe in. I wish I had had a Dad like that, divorce or no divorce. What's your plan? Wait until the kids are grown and then admit to everyone you've been lying and dissolve the family then? Your posts are interesting and entertaining, but I don't see the value of your subterfuge and it's hard to cheer you on. No offense.

 

Bongo, have you ever seen the movie "Equilibrium"?

 

Great show. Gunkata is at once one of the coolest and most ridiculous things I've ever seen. Way underrated movie.

[Checkmate]

Quick, someone remind me about how "wonderful and harmless" religious beliefs are again? It appears that the LONE utterance of "Jesus" to come true has been "I have not come to bring peace, but a sword." "Jesus" promised that families would be torn assunder by Him. Loved ones rejecting and forsaking one another for "him".

 

What a lover-ly religion.

[Taphophilia]

I don't know if this will work for you, but it worked for me.

I was subtle about it. I said, "I can no longer agree with a lot of Christainity's teachings anymore." i.e. Hell.

I went with the "Everyone has their own Spiritual path to God and who is to say whose path is valid except God. Christianity says that only Christians can be "saved" and I don't agree with that anymore." I let them accept that before I spring more on them.

[Guest Maggie]

I hear you, Bongo. It's not an easy place to be, that's for sure. No one can really tell you what to do as we aren't walking in your shoes. It's a tough call. Hang in there!

[Samurai Tailor]

Quick, someone remind me about how "wonderful and harmless" religious beliefs are again? It appears that the LONE utterance of "Jesus" to come true has been "I have not come to bring peace, but a sword." "Jesus" promised that families would be torn assunder by Him. Loved ones rejecting and forsaking one another for "him".

 

What a lover-ly religion.

I can't help but think much the same.

 

A curious phenomenon described in the OP. Has anyone ever heard of the reverse scenario - wherein a person becomes born again in the midst of a secular/atheistic relationship and fears that coming clean will lead to ruin?

[Chad3232132]

So last night, she was talking to me, almost teary but not quite, that she's disappointed that our son isn't showing enough interest in the Sunday night youth group, and that our daughter is saying she wants to quit Awana.

 

Awana--that's a whole other Rant!!

 

Of course, on the inside, I'm thinking, "Thats because my kids dont want to spend the entire fricking sunday at church! Yay! They are taking my lead! They're not being successfully brainwashed! They'll have a life!!"

 

Then she mentions how she feels like she's the only parent in the house who's bothered by this and that she feels like she's the main spiritual leader.

 

"UH OH. TREAD VERY CAREFULLY HERE," I think to myself.

 

I know I want to unshackle myself of this faking-a-christian crap, and maybe it would be wonderfully unshackling to fess up, and wow, what if it turned out ok? However, I know that whatever I next say, there's no way to un-say it. "Careful, this is real...no rewind", I tell myself.

 

I dont deny what she's saying and I say, "Well, I go through these low and high 'periods' in my 'walk', and right now I'm not..." and "Yes, that would make you the main leader right now."

 

Thankfully, she didn't ask any point blanks, because I just might give her the answer.

 

If I do, the truth will probably break up the family. More trouble than it's worth. But sometimes...the idea of being free ........

 

 

 

Bongo

 

 

PS. Someday, I'll probably start a topic "Well I told the wife". But not this day!

 

 

So you've been deceiving your wife into believeing you are Christian ever since you've known her? That doesn't sound very healthy to me.

[Ro-bear]

Damn, Bongo...I just couldn't do it. This sort of thing makes me feel lucky that 1) I became an apostate at a young age and with little trauma, and 2) I married an agnostic.

 

No arguments about religion or spiritual upbringing; only agreement and mutual support. What a nightmare of dissonance families face when Mom and Dad are "unequally yoked".

[Bongo]

All,

 

I started out this reply by actually replying to the many thoughts given toward me. But it got depressing. I appreciate your comments though, and none are wasted on me. And no offense was taken.

 

The upshot is, that yes, I'm living a lie. Mostly toward my wife, because I think my kids are smart enough to see the great differences between how I and my wife act religiously. I'm glad they see that difference. ALso, I feel horrible about living a lie.

 

But it is as Cincyunixguy put it, and I have to everyday weigh the harm in continuing a lie and the harm in breaking my kids' hearts with a family split and my wifes heart with the Great Reveal. And I dont have the answers. Treading water meanwhile...

 

If the day ever comes when I let her know, I'd hope to put it as nicely as possible, and to imply that it's a recent change of spiritual heart.

 

Oh and by the way, Khan, Office space is a classic in my book.

 

BOngo

[Guest JPD]

I have to everyday weigh the harm in continuing a lie and the harm in breaking my kids' hearts with a family split and my wifes heart with the Great Reveal.

 

Put yourself in your kids shoes and tell me that they wouldn't eventually praise your decision to come clean, even if it caused a divorce. A 2 parent home isn't a guarantee of anything, while having parents you can trust and respect is invaluable. If I were your child, even imagining how i thought as a child, I would prefer you seek your own happiness on this issue. Your kids will probably love you for it, even if it takes them a few years to understand the situation.

[Dianka]

Good luck Bongo

[HuaiDan]

Honestly is the best policy, the truth will set you free, blah blah. It's true, especially in a marraige. Not that i've ever been married...I'm not ready to make that commitment to the truth. However, if I were married, I would rather divorce than live a lie. Just wonder how the court would settle the estate when they learn the reason for the divorce is that you're not a red-blooded christian.

[Godless Dave]

Many people are advocating honesty and they're probably right.

 

But here's an alternative strategy. Next time your wife complains about your kids lack of interest in these activities, say you have noticed it but have also noticed that they behave in a Christian manner, and you think a true personal connection to God is more important than showing up at church-sponsored activities.

[MQTA]

So last night, she was talking to me, almost teary but not quite, that she's disappointed that our son isn't showing enough interest in the Sunday night youth group, and that our daughter is saying she wants to quit Awana.

 

Awana--that's a whole other Rant!!

 

Of course, on the inside, I'm thinking, "Thats because my kids dont want to spend the entire fricking sunday at church! Yay! They are taking my lead! They're not being successfully brainwashed! They'll have a life!!"

 

Then she mentions how she feels like she's the only parent in the house who's bothered by this and that she feels like she's the main spiritual leader.

 

"UH OH. TREAD VERY CAREFULLY HERE," I think to myself.

 

I know I want to unshackle myself of this faking-a-christian crap, and maybe it would be wonderfully unshackling to fess up, and wow, what if it turned out ok? However, I know that whatever I next say, there's no way to un-say it. "Careful, this is real...no rewind", I tell myself.

 

I dont deny what she's saying and I say, "Well, I go through these low and high 'periods' in my 'walk', and right now I'm not..." and "Yes, that would make you the main leader right now."

 

Thankfully, she didn't ask any point blanks, because I just might give her the answer.

 

If I do, the truth will probably break up the family. More trouble than it's worth. But sometimes...the idea of being free ........

 

 

Bongo

 

 

PS. Someday, I'll probably start a topic "Well I told the wife". But not this day!

 

 

So it's TRUE! We DON'T get MARRIED, we just CHANGE Mommies!

 

I said that to someone once, of course, the women there didn't appreciate it at first, but then ALL agreed within minutes, YES! It's TRUE. EXCEPT, our mommies are more permissive and understanding, and, except for maybe you're WIFE, more accepting of Other women in your life.

 

In other words, when I told my mother I met this lady and she's real nice, I'd like to be friend[ly] with her, she was happy for me. When I told my wife the same thing, well, um, not as happy. LOL

 

 

 

However, when it comes to beliefs and spirituality, my mother just didn't quite get it, although after a while she actually tried to get it and read a few of my Dyer books. My wife knew most every step of the way what I was going through, she knew I bought and read The Satanic Bible, she even made me a pentagram tie tack that really pissed off a lot of people. She also knew when I found Dyer and was the first to notice my transformation. She didn't join me in my ventures or seeking, but she's been supportive.

 

We're kinda on the same page with our kids... she lets me talk to them about whatever... and I let her take care of spending all my money spoiling them, not only the holidays, but all year 'round. But it's not religious, unless Shopaholicism is a religion.

 

How long you married? How old are the kids?

 

I SAY GO FOR IT. and then DUCK. Then make light of it. Crack a few jokes, and cringe.

 

If I do, the truth will probably break up the family. More trouble than it's worth. But sometimes...the idea of being free ........

 

and maybe it would be wonderfully unshackling to fess up, and wow, what if it turned out ok?

 

What IF, indeed.

 

 

 

""Careful, this is real...no rewind", I tell myself."

 

I have to remind myself of that often too.

 

Are there rules to religion? I've broken 'em, haven't you?

 

Are there rules to marriage? I've broken 'em. and so far, won every gamble I took. The most often asked question I've gotten in response to talking about some of our situations was "your wife LET's YOU do 'that'"? or similar types.

 

I told my daughter that this is the key to a successful marriage: "Don't look for perfection, you're fucked up, look for someone fucked up just like you. I'm Fucked UP, Your Mother is Fucked UP, but we're similarly fucked up, it works."

 

I've done a lot of things, often just once, and have changed as 'more data' was known. I used to tell her everything until a number of years back when I learned what she doesn't want to know, and as long as it doesn't cause tensions, consciously or unconsciously, No Problem. Communication is key. Took a while to learn sometimes communication means Silence. We each gotta sleep with ourselves, if ya can do that, All is Well.

 

 

 

 

I can't help but think much the same.

 

A curious phenomenon described in the OP. Has anyone ever heard of the reverse scenario - wherein a person becomes born again in the midst of a secular/atheistic relationship and fears that coming clean will lead to ruin?

 

My BIL, shortly after we turned 40, was suddenly Born Again, joined a Bible Study group, changed Churches, dragged his daughters along with him. My SIL didn't go along with it, she liked the RCC she's in, had no interest in changing. They nearly split, but worked it out. BIL pretty much alienated most everyone for a while, but slowly people started accepting it. There's just no discussion with this guy any more, everything gets turned into Jesus... this is why Jesus... that's because of Jesus, Jesus Jesus Jesus. Everything, weather, cars, traffic, the sky, a tree, a sneeze, everything. He still drinks like a fish and does other things I thought he should be ashamed of, but now I see how everyone justifies all they do easily enough, and then turn around and condemn everyone else.

 

I don't think my wife talked to him, other than family courtesy of hi and bye and how ya doing, since he told her in no uncertain terms that she, me, and our 2 kids, ARE indeed, without a doubt, GOING to HELL.

 

 

 

 

All,

 

I started out this reply by actually replying to the many thoughts given toward me. But it got depressing. I appreciate your comments though, and none are wasted on me. And no offense was taken.

 

The upshot is, that yes, I'm living a lie. Mostly toward my wife, because I think my kids are smart enough to see the great differences between how I and my wife act religiously. I'm glad they see that difference. ALso, I feel horrible about living a lie.

 

You mean your kids aren't IN on it? You don't talk to them about these things, just let the mother do it all?

 

If you come out of the closet, she may not approve, but at least you'll open up communication lines with your kids. Well, unless she grabs them and splits.

 

I told my wife if she ever wanted to leave, and take the kids, "Good bye, See ya". No contest, no question, ciao ciao for now. She just won't LEAVE! LOL. I'm trapped in a happy marriage. Oh well.

 

 

 

But it is as Cincyunixguy put it, and I have to everyday weigh the harm in continuing a lie and the harm in breaking my kids' hearts with a family split and my wifes heart with the Great Reveal. And I dont have the answers. Treading water meanwhile...

 

If the day ever comes when I let her know, I'd hope to put it as nicely as possible, and to imply that it's a recent change of spiritual heart.

 

Oh and by the way, Khan, Office space is a classic in my book.

 

BOngo

 

Maybe you need to start sorting out how you want to go through it going forward. Play out all the possible scenarios and how best to react to each. Try to keep the ego buried and don't let her pull it into the fray.

[Lilith]

 

You mean your kids aren't IN on it? You don't talk to them about these things, just let the mother do it all?

 

If you come out of the closet, she may not approve, but at least you'll open up communication lines with your kids. Well, unless she grabs them and splits.

 

I told my wife if she ever wanted to leave, and take the kids, "Good bye, See ya". No contest, no question, ciao ciao for now. She just won't LEAVE! LOL. I'm trapped in a happy marriage. Oh well.

 

To totally butt in here, middle of the conversation......

 

Depending on how old the kids are, it is probably extremely prudent they are not "in" on it. My husband knows I'm an apostate, but it came at an extremely high price. He watched me go through my deconversion and was there with me every step, yet it still nearly broke our marriage up. To tell the kids right now would not only put further strain on our marriage from a, "You've betrayed me again" standpoint, but also from the questions that would certainly ensue.

 

How do I deal with it? Well, fortunately, I don't have the complication of going to church every Sunday. When my kids ask me religious questions, I usually respond with, "Christianity believes......" or "The bible states that....." and leave it at that. Only the other night did I actually stray a bit from what the bible "teaches" with my oldest daughter (14 years old) and her questions. But I backed it up with scientific evidence, and not just personal belief. She's a smart kid. She is probably figuring out that mom doesn't take the bible 100% literal any longer. She's learning by example that it's ok to question and seek reasonable answers and that by doing so will not cause an implosion of the brain.

 

Truth be told, I think my dh is slooooooowwwllllyyyy coming around too. But I think my kids will be grown and gone before he ever admits it.

[Open_Minded]

If the day ever comes when I let her know, I'd hope to put it as nicely as possible, and to imply that it's a recent change of spiritual heart.

BOngo

 

Bongo..

 

When I was a young teenager my parents left the Catholic church. It was very hard on the whole family. In later years - as an adult - I learned that my father questioned things first. When he decided he couldn't bear it any longer - one of the hardest things on my mother was that she was taught that the husband was spiritual leader in the family.

 

This whole dynamic really threw her for a loop. All through her life she was taught to defer to men in these matters and then her husband decides to leave the Catholic church and during the 60s begins to change his views of women and their role in relationships.

 

As an adult, I now see the impact this had on their personal relationship. They survived, our family survived, and our extended family has survived and excepted the reality of my parent's decision as well. Mom told me that it took a lot of patience on Dad's part - to give her the time to deal with the emotional impact. See, even though she had been questioning much of Catholism herself, when the "spiritual foundation of the family" (my father) also questioned - it was just very hard on her. It really shook her to the core. Not only did she have to work through the loss of the Catholic church in her life, but the changing expectations (of women and their roles in decision making) from her husband.

 

You might start by just encouraging your wife to share her own fears about the church you're in. She may be having more fears than you realize, and this may open the door for conversation. If the children express concern about some of the theology - ask your wife how she REALLY feels, ask her to talk about her own heart, not what she's hearing from the pastor. Ask your wife how she feels about friends or relatives that she believes may "burn in hell" because of the church theology. Let her express her fears first...

 

Just a thought ... as others have said. You're the only one who can make the decision.