Almost fessed to wifey

[Bongo]

Thanks for all the replies, even those that made me uncomfortable. Lots of good info there.

 

I am mulling with the idea of telling her next time it comes up. I believe I'll tell her that for the past year I've been doubting, and but now I no longer believe at all in christianity. And that not telling her what I've been going through has been killing me. I wanted to continue to please her by being christian, but the strain and the deception has become too much.

 

Though that wont make her happy, it'll explain how I let it go this long as well as assuring her that I care for her.

 

I'll give her several websites to help her understand, as well as this one, AFTER I ask admin to remove all bongo posts!

 

If she insists on kicking me out of the house, well, she'll have to work full time, because there's no way I can sustain two households. I used to hold back because of the monetary shock this would put on me, but at this point, my sanity is worth more.

 

My kids saw a friend's mom and dad split up. I dread hearing them wail when it happens to their own family. That's whats holding me back, more than anything. (<---- Damn, that's depressing.)

 

 

Time will tell!

[pandora]

Best of luck, Bongo... you are making a very brave step, but it can only make you more sane.

 

When I did it with my husband, I did it less directly... maybe that would be better for you too. Like someone else says, ask her about her fears and go from there. Make it a conversation, not just a proclamation... if that makes sense. Let us know how it goes! We're here for you. I hope we didn't guilt you into making a step she's not ready for...

[Purple]

Hi,

 

I have read your post and some of the replies. I do feel for you I have been there, I personally decided to come clean in the moment. I can't say why I did, just for me I HAD to be honest. I was and am very lucky that my husband didn't want to divorce me because of it. There was some conflict between us in the beginning, but as weird as it is I think the best thing that happened for us is when the pastor of our church pushed him to "put me out of the house" it's a long story you can read my ex-testimony if ya wanna.

The biggest upswing though in telling the truth for me was about a year later my oldest told me that my leaving the church was the best thing that ever happened to her. She had her own doubts, and was being expected to not only go to church, but be this perfect example kid by the youth pastor. The pastors actions, him being an idiot, lead my husband to leave that church. My daughter went to church with him while he was in the exploring stage, but slowly she just stopped going. She is now a very free thinking atheist. When I left she was just 11/12 she was beautiful, but chubby and insecure, and had adults telling her to befriend everyone, and be an example. The thing is teenagers are teenagers, they did not accept her, she was a shy, awkward, nerdy bookworm. If she had had to stay there, it would have ate away at her self esteem even more, by being able to leave, to only go to churches where no one knew her, she could be shy, she could skip going to youth stuff, she could just be herself. Now, she's 18, she's still sort of nerdy, I WISH she was still a book worm, but shes not, but she's pretty damn well confident and she's smart and beautful.

My other two go to church with their father, my 13 year old son IS a Christian, but my husband no longer goes to a fundy church and my son thinks preachy fundy types especially angry ones are either odd or rude. My youngest is 9 she goes with her father cuz to her its fun, she is by far the most social of all of us. She has not made any real religious decision yet though, and I think at 9 that's about right.

My deconverstion had the biggest impact on my eldest and my husband though, and although at the time I was braced for a fight and for divorce or worse, instead it was a positive thing for both of them. My husband was knocked out of the fundie bubble, although still a Christian he has left the right wing fundementalist belief, now believing they totally miss the mark on loving their fellow man. My daughter is allowed to be herself, and still have the love of both her parents.

[Gnosis of Disbelief]

Wow. Reading this entire thread makes me glad I never married

while I was a christian.

 

Best of luck, Bongo. Hope things work out for you. If you do tell

your wife, try to be as non-confrontational as you can....from the

sounds of it, it will probably come as a shock to her.

 

Edited to Add: Serenity Now, your latest avatar has got me

cracking up!

[necrosmith]

 

My kids saw a friend's mom and dad split up. I dread hearing them wail when it happens to their own family. That's whats holding me back, more than anything. (<---- Damn, that's depressing.)

 

Hmm...

 

It would be pretty unChristian to file for divorce b/c of this. Maybe if she decides to go that route you could remind her of how the Bible says that a Christian woman should not leave her husband so as to be a witness and that the children are sanctified through her.

 

In this way, it may buy you some time to show her that you aren't some evil beast and that you're the same great person you always were but that you just believe some things differently now.

 

If she divorces you b/c of this, she is sinning according to the Bible.

 

Good luck.

[Open_Minded]

Thanks for all the replies, even those that made me uncomfortable. Lots of good info there.

 

I am mulling with the idea of telling her next time it comes up. I believe I'll tell her that for the past year I've been doubting, and but now I no longer believe at all in christianity. And that not telling her what I've been going through has been killing me. I wanted to continue to please her by being christian, but the strain and the deception has become too much.

 

Though that wont make her happy, it'll explain how I let it go this long as well as assuring her that I care for her.

 

Bongo:

 

My only advice would be to really research - ask women on this site - the way women are taught to view themselves in their marriages. And how they are indoctrinated to view their relationship with God through their husbands.

 

If you have a good grasp of how she has been taught to see herself. Then this may help you approach her in a productive manner. I cannot emphasis this enough, conversations with my own mother really jarred me into reality about how the conservative attitudes impact women and the roles they see for themselves in their marriages and as mothers.

 

I can only address this from the perspective of a young teenager watching parents work through a similar situation and then the 20/20 hindsight that was given to me by both of them once I reached adulthood.

 

The move away from the catholic church was hardest on my mother. Not because she didn't disagree with its tenants. She did. But, because she had been taught that she was not capable of making decisions in this area, that she was dependent upon her husband as the spiritual foundation. So, when Dad questioned the Catholic teachings - her foundation was crumbling at a time when she was suppose to be raising several children to be good Catholics. It really threw her.

 

Take the time to ask women how they viewed themselves and their roles as mothers and wives while they were still fundamentalist Christians. It will help you more than you know.

 

Sorry if this advice is too strong, but I'm just remembering my own parents as they left the Catholic church. As I said in my earlier post, we all survived. Their marriage is very strong and they are very close. But those years were difficult - and so much of it was about changing roles for my mother.

[Caretaker]

Bongo.... Do you have any updates for us regarding your kids' disinterest in religion?

[spamandham]

Bongo, caution is the better part of virtue.

 

It is possible to break the news without breaking the marriage unless your wife is ultra fundy. Even then, you can always quote scripture first. Paul adresses the issue of a believeing spouse and an unequally yoked spouse. The believer is not permitted to leave the marriage for that reason.

 

That wouldn't be my first tact (as it wasn't!). I broke the news to my spouse over the course of about a year, slowly revealing one more detail when I thought she was ready, until she finally asked if I was an atheist. I replied "yes". I've been free ever since. She doesn't like it, but she's learning to live with it.

 

We were Catholic. The first step was to question the Catholic church. This was easy because it hit at the same time the church in Dallas was going through scandals. I told her I couldn't support the Catholic church any more and wanted to switch to protestant (which was true at the time). So we started going to a nondenominational megachurch that's really Southern Baptist but without the officila ties.

 

That's about teh time I started to doubt (as a good newbie Baptist, I read the fucking Bible for the first time). I lost interest in church and started making excuses for not going. One day, I outright told her I was confused and didn't know what I believed. A few months later I told her I didn't want to go to church anymore because that wasn't were I was spiritually. This led to the "are you an atheist" question the first time. I said, "I don't know what I believe". Another couple of months went by before I finally admitted it. The whole process took about a year or so.

 

So, although I didn't sit down and calculate how to achieve the goal, I achieved it nonetheless. I imagine if I had planned it out in steps, I could have guided her through it more gracefully. But don't let her find the plan!.

[Bongo]

While talking to my son, explaining why I was delayed going to church one morning, I told him that I didn't believe anymore. I didn't want to lie to his face. I quickly reviewed the crazy concept of hell, and based it upon that. I didn't want to overwhelm him of course. He was not upset then, and has shown no signs of being upset by this revelation at all. Now, when I rotely do the dinner prayer, he knows it's just something Dad does for Mom.

 

The daughter has been in and out of Awana. She tells me often that she doesn't like church. I keep mum about everything because she's much younger, but inwardly, I'm happy to hear that. She only goes to Awana to please Mom, I think, or to play the games. She gets tired of it and quits from time to time. I am confident that she is developing an appropriately critical mind.

 

So, both my kid's attitudes are pretty good, considering.

 

As far as telling the wife--it hasn't happened yet, but it could any moment. I really like what you said Spam, telling her "I just dont know what to believe", and letting that sink in for a few months. But I'll save that for when I'm confronted next.

 

And yes, I know it's a bad situation, but I'm doing the best I can.

[lothartx]

Good luck bongo. I was in the same place as you, but I came out and my kids ( boys 9 and 11 ) both know. We are still married, but it is sore spot in our marriage. I think we have enough in common other than religion we may survive.

 

Don't do what I did, which was come home from Half Price books with "The Demon Haunted World" by Carl Sagan, "Why People Believe Strange Things" by Michael Shermer, "

Black Holes and Baby Universes and Other Essays" and "A Brief History of Time" both by Stephen Hawking, "Tower of Babel: The Evidence against the New Creationism" by Robert T Pennock and The "Triumph of Evolution : and the Failure of Creationism" by Niles Eldridge.

 

"Hi Honey, Look what I bought at Half Price Books! Aren't they great"

Wifes reply was

 

If I'm coming out, I might as well go full force. All good books, but the Pennock is a long read and very detailed.

[Eponymic]

And yes, I know it's a bad situation, but I'm doing the best I can.

 

And that's great!

 

What you did with your son is perfect.

 

Personally, I say that disseminating truth in a piece by piece format is probably better in your situation. Begin standing your ground with her more & more, bringing our minor (but not the big truth) along the way. All the while showing how much you obviously love & care about her. And if you are asked point blank about something, don't lie. Go ahead and bring it out, it'll be a testament to your character.

 

The more she sees that, the easier it will be for her to accept your not believing. And hopefully, through enough discussions, she'll drop the charade too.

[Lilith]

Interesting....I've yet to read a case (and I can "testify" to this personally as well) where an ex-C has left the marriage or not tried to save it after "coming clean." It's always the 'believing' spouse who leaves.

 

Just food for thought.

 

Hang in there Bongo. Sounds like you're doing all you can, and doing it well. We're all rooting for you.

[Angel]

And yes, I know it's a bad situation, but I'm doing the best I can.

 

That is about all you can do in a situation like this.

I can see why you would put up this front, I can tell you care about your family very much to try to spare them any pain.

I can also see that this is really eating you up inside, I know that if I were in your position, I would be quite torn as to what to do. I had a simular situation, but not as complicated.

I feared telling my husband about my disbelief because I was worried that I would bring him down spiritually and that if he turned away, it would be my fault. Yet, at the same time, it was such a burden to not express how I was truely feeling, that it was just making a mess of me. I finally took a deep breath and asked to talk to him in a serious matter. When I finally spilled how I was feeling, it surprised me to learn that he too, was feeling the exact same way. We had both put up these fronts to avoid hurting each other or pulling each other down. If we had only talked sooner, a lot of grief could have been spared. It just never felt like the right time to discuss it.

I know that if my dad were alive, he would be outraged. For a while after I walked away, I felt the guilt of letting him down. Then, I came to a realization that I had to make me happy, live my life for me, that it was his decision to be a christian, that is what made him happy, that I had to be true to myself.

I am not going to try to push you into telling her (not my place) but I do encourage you to do so when you feel the time is right. Only you can be the judge of when that is. I know that not all situations are like mine, not all work out as we hope, but you never know the outcome until you have finally let it out.....that is the scary part.

I do wish you the very best and I certainly hope that things can be worked out and the family can stay together.

[jrmarlin]

Bongo, honestly, for everyone concerned, Honesty is the best policy. Even if it means your life will change in a way beyond your current understanding or use to living -- change is good. It seems like you are not comfortable (by your words) living a lie and that you want to come clean so bad you just can't stand it. Why deny yourself freedom? That's unconstitutional. It's not what you're meant to do.

 

Barring xianity...you should never feel uncomfortable in your own home. You have been a living a pretty big lie. Your wife already sense that your feelings have changed. She wouldn't be bringing it up by saying she's the "spiritual leader" in the family if she didn't sense something was a rye. Why not just tell her and do it in a gentle loving way. There is no reason to do it with anger and discourse. If she leaves then just trust yourself and your decision. She can't take your children away. Even the other guy on here who has been taking to court several times has won all those times. Religious differences has no legal legs to stand on when it comes to custody and visitation...

 

But you living a lie is the biggest travesty here... not whether or not the marriage will survive your awakening. You never know... you might even inspire her to wake up. You just never know.

 

Often people will act in accordance to what they perceive the other person wants -- and then when the blinders come off and all truth is told, they were merely acting a certain way even though the other person doesn't want them to be contrary to how they are.

 

Furthermore, all xians always say unconditional love. Well, put her unconditional love for you to the test. She may or may not disappoint you, but do you want to grow old with someone who will not love you unconditionally in the first place?

 

I would hope the answer is NOT...

 

As for changing... if she doesn't like (love) the essence of you then perhaps the relationship was never really real to begin with. See my point?

[Lilith]

Bongo, honestly, for everyone concerned, Honesty is the best policy. Even if it means your life will change in a way beyond your current understanding or use to living -- change is good. It seems like you are not comfortable (by your words) living a lie and that you want to come clean so bad you just can't stand it. Why deny yourself freedom? That's unconstitutional. It's not what you're meant to do.

 

Barring xianity...you should never feel uncomfortable in your own home. You have been a living a pretty big lie. Your wife already sense that your feelings have changed. She wouldn't be bringing it up by saying she's the "spiritual leader" in the family if she didn't sense something was a rye. Why not just tell her and do it in a gentle loving way. There is no reason to do it with anger and discourse. If she leaves then just trust yourself and your decision. She can't take your children away. Even the other guy on here who has been taking to court several times has won all those times. Religious differences has no legal legs to stand on when it comes to custody and visitation...

 

But you living a lie is the biggest travesty here... not whether or not the marriage will survive your awakening. You never know... you might even inspire her to wake up. You just never know.

 

Often people will act in accordance to what they perceive the other person wants -- and then when the blinders come off and all truth is told, they were merely acting a certain way even though the other person doesn't want them to be contrary to how they are.

 

Furthermore, all xians always say unconditional love. Well, put her unconditional love for you to the test. She may or may not disappoint you, but do you want to grow old with someone who will not love you unconditionally in the first place?

 

I would hope the answer is NOT...

 

As for changing... if she doesn't like (love) the essence of you then perhaps the relationship was never really real to begin with. See my point?

Yes and no. I totally understand where he is coming from as I am a practicing pagan now. While I have told my dh about my deconversion, I refuse to tell him about my current religious beliefs, even when asked point blank. Why? He's simply not ready. He's relaxing....coming around...and when he's more receptive, I'll tell him. Why not tell him? Because I love him and though I know he loves me too, I don't want to cause any undue grief. If I can wait until he's in a better receptive state, I will.

[jrmarlin]

Yes and no. I totally understand where he is coming from as I am a practicing pagan now. While I have told my dh about my deconversion, I refuse to tell him about my current religious beliefs, even when asked point blank. Why? He's simply not ready. He's relaxing....coming around...and when he's more receptive, I'll tell him. Why not tell him? Because I love him and though I know he loves me too, I don't want to cause any undue grief. If I can wait until he's in a better receptive state, I will.

 

I totally understand where you're coming from. It is hard on people --- but you did tell of your deconversion. I don't blame you for waiting to state your current religious beliefs. I got heat about mine when I first deconverted and went onto paganism. It's been so long since I did it, I really don't recall my spouse (at the time's) reaction but I do believe he was a bit scared of it though he was not religious in any way shape or form. I believe it was more about the misconception people have -- from their bibles, literature, etc....

 

 

 

By the way, I love the name... Very powerful name indeed.