Popular Post ContraBardus Posted January 27, 2013 Popular Post Share Posted January 27, 2013 Some of you may remember me, I used to come here quite a bit a while back. Don't worry, I didn't go and get saved. Nope, I went and discovered I've got a congenital terminal heart disease and require a heart and lung transplant. My heart disease gave me what's called 'pulmonary hypertension' and destroyed my lungs. This is actually a recent development, and not what actually kept me from here. I was living in a stable environment, with no real contact or thought about religion in my daily life. I just drifted away as I thought less and less about it, and it wasn't a source of annoyance for me on a regular basis. I didn't need support so much, and discussing it was kind of a waste of time. Much the same as discussing the existence of Santa Claus is a waste of time for most people. I liked it here, but first my old PC died, and I was staying with another Atheist. Once I replaced my PC, I just sort of didn't bother with returning for a while. I'm just out of a three month stay at the hospital. On the plus side, I'm now managed with medications. I'm stable, and could be for quite some time. The doctors are amazed at my recovery. I was on 100% oxygen, bedridden, unable to walk more than about 20 feet, and my heart was about 3X the normal size. I am currently not using oxygen, my heart has shrunk down to only about double in size, and I can walk for more than a mile at a slow pace. I'll still be needing a heart and lung transplant at some point, but currently I'm doing so well that I could be managing my condition for quite a while. This is a very good thing for me. The life expectancy for someone who has had a heart and lung transplant is about five years. The longer I can put it off, the better. It seems as though I might be able to put it off for a long while. A transplant will definitely help me, and I'll die without one at some point, but once I get one, I'm pretty much on a timer. Make no mistake, what I've got is terminal, despite being able to manage it with medications and therapy at the moment. Barring an accident or murder, I now know how I will likely die. Well, maybe. The doctors tell me if I can go another ten years or so without a transplant, they'll likely be able to grow me some organs with stem cells. It's a possibility I might be able to as well. Not incredibly likely, but there's a better than slim chance of it. That would be nice, and would likely help my survivability rate a great deal as I'll be able to avoid anti-rejection drugs, which basically nullify your immune system pretty much completely. It's kind of like contracting HIV, but without the admittedly minor positive side of having sex once. Instead, I just get an invasive and dangerous surgery that will knock me on my ass for a couple of months. On the not so plus side, I am now 100% disabled and can't work anymore. Not just to keep my disability, I'm physically unable to work. It's kind of strange, I can't run fifty yards or lift more than 25 pounds or so without getting severely out of breath. Pretty much anything that gets my heart-rate up and/or requires heavy breathing is right out the window. I'm deceptively healthy looking. Being around someone smoking a cigarette could hospitalize me for months. I can't own cats, birds, or reptiles. My dog is okay though. I must wear a mask in public or crowded spaces, and can't be around any one who is ill at all If someone I know catches the flue, I must now be away from them until they are well. I can no longer drink alcohol. [That one sucks a little, but I didn't drink much anyway, so it's not too bad.] I have to clear any medications with my doctor before I take anything for even the most minor things. I can't use aspirin or ibuprophen.I can't be around young children anymore. [That last one doesn't bother me much. It's actually kind of convenient.] I can't go to the ER or see a doctor who isn't part of my transplant team for the rest of my life. I now live in Gainesville Fla, where I am getting medical treatment from Shands at UF. It's awesome here, the hospital is great, and it's pretty much the best place I can be given my condition. Despite how bad off I am now, I was much much worse when I was first hospitalized. In fact, every doctor I've seen has been amazed at just how much I've recovered. I was expected to get worse and worse until I was transplanted. Now, I'm not well, but stable and can live relatively normally. I seem to be much healthier than I am. Despite my new limitations, most people assume I'm perfectly healthy. I'm also still an Atheist. Yes, that's correct. I have been an Atheist in a Fox Hole, and I'm now an Atheist with a terminal disease. I am now being -two- impossible things every day before breakfast. I was really bad off. I died on an operating table. My heart literally stopped for a little over three minutes. I was bed ridden, stuck on oxygen, and barely able to move. I woke up with a tube in my throat and my arms bound to a bed. I lost three whole days and it took me two more to realize it. I had every reason to believe I might die at any moment. For an entire week the doctors and nurses attending me were extremely worried that I might pass at any time. I was stuck to an IV pole for months, had to pee in a bottle and keep track of my fluids, and generally had lots of very uncomfortable procedures done to me on a regular basis. It sucked a whole lot. And of course, all my religious relatives descended upon me. Don't get me wrong here, they meant well. I know they did. However, it was something I'd almost forgotten about. Something I'd not had to deal with on this level since I was a teenager. It stressed me the fuck out dealing with it more than my condition did. It doesn't sound like it, but I was upbeat, cheerful, and had a great attitude throughout all this. I'm not afraid of death, because I'm not afraid of hell. I don't -want- to die, but if I did, nothing would bother me anymore. As far as I'm concerned I will simply cease to be. It might sound a little self centered to say that about myself, but I got a lot of praise and surprise from just about everyone who met me with how well I reacted to finding out I've got a terminal disease that will require major surgery. I was joking with other patients, visitors, and nurses, didn't really get depressed, and the worst thing about it all was the food and a bit of boredom on occasion. I ended up playing a lot of video games. People constantly told me they weren't expecting me to be that way when they saw me. My attitude helped me get through it, and according to the nurses and doctors, it probably had a lot to do with how quickly and much I recovered. I was up as much as I could be, kept my own spirits up, and didn't let myself fall into depression. In fact, my family took what happened to me worse than I did. Even during the worst parts of it, when I was nearly dead, my family got more upset about it all than I did. That was about the point things started getting irritating in regard to religion again. Especially as I got better and better. It wasn't the doctors, medications, and therapy. It was 'a miracle'. Apparently I 'had better appreciate what God did for me'. Up to that point, it had been a few people telling me they were going to pray for me, and maybe a well meaning prayer card. Most of the people I know didn't really expect me to survive very long. Not much to deal with. After I started getting better, everyone expected me to see some sort of miracle in it all. As if I would have some born again experience because of it all. I'm still dealing with it, and it's fucking irritating. Somehow, because I had exceeded the expectations of the doctors, that meant that I had gotten magical help from a divine being. There was just no other explanation apparently. Everyone seems to conveniently forget that I spent three months in a state of the art medical facility, with the best possible specialist doctors, an expert nursing staff, and the latest in medical technology and medications.. No, it was all 'God' looking out for me and the 'power' of all those prayers I was getting. I'm doing better because a lot of people I know, and quite a few I don't, sent psychic mind waves to the invisible all powerful sky man to make me get better. [i'm actually not 'better'. I'm still not very well, I'm just stable. Something that is often conveniently forgotten.] I'm expected to believe this, and be grateful that all this magic power aided my recovery and that the magic sky man reached down and touched me with his finger of healing. I should thank all the people who used their psychic abilities to communicate with the Omnipresent being, as it wouldn't have noticed me otherwise apparently, and adopt an insane belief in gratitude for this conveniently unprovable 'help'. I am grateful for the well wishes and care of my family and friends. I do not for a moment believe it had anything to do with my recovery whatsoever. Having a good attitude does indeed help, other people kneeling and chanting wishes at the sky does not. I'm now living in an apartment with my mother. I'm very grateful for her being here to help me. She's been a great help and I require a caregiver to help me out with some things. She's done a lot for me, but she's also Catholic. My Dad will be moving down here later this year, and he is not. I'll be moving in with him, while she returns home to northwest Florida again. I love my mother, I'm grateful for her support and help in getting me through this. It would have been much more difficult to do without her, and I wouldn't be nearly as well off as I am now. However, having her tell me about how Jesus saved me, and wander about the house singing Christian hymns, playing obnoxiously loud christian youtube videos and pro-life videos, and listening to christian hymn CDs in the car whenever we go anywhere is most definitely not amusing. I think she's expecting me to get inspired or something, but the truth of the matter is I'm simply annoyed. Plus, it's easier for my other Christian relatives to bug me, as well as her other Christian friends to bother me with her around. I love her, I'm grateful, but I'm looking forward to...not living with her again. I don't complain as she's done so much, but that doesn't make having religion shoved in my face again any less annoying to deal with. She's not a reasonable person either, and discussing it would just end up with both of us being angry. I always refuse offers to participate in any religious activities, and I'm not shy about stating that I still don't believe and that this experience is not going to make me 'born again'. I've explained many times that I'm about as likely to believe in Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny again as I am to believe in Jesus again. It's not something I can't deal with by any means. I've got nice headphones, and I'm not shy about informing her that I'll stop wearing them when she stops listening to that stuff loud enough to bother me with it. I can deal with her well meaning friends and relatives simply be remaining silent and letting them talk. It never lasts long enough to be anything more than a mild time waster. I've got lots of time now, unfortunately, and it usually stops once they realize I'm intentionally creating an awkward silence for them to deal with in regard to the subject. I'm not receptive to the idea of God period, much less the specific idea of Christian God. Getting terminally ill has tossed me head first into the deep end of the shit filled pool that is religion again. More people bother me about how grateful for Jesus I should be than ever before. It's severely annoying, more than my disease in fact. Invasive medical treatment bothered me less than dealing with this again does. I had a long stretch where I was able to ignore it completely and almost forget that Christianity even existed. It was great. Now I feel like a soup cracker that's being sand blasted. I am in fact, much less inclined to consider Christianity as a viable philosophy than ever before. As soon as I became weakened by illness, the vultures swooped in to try and take advantage of my weakened emotional state and fear of death. Fortunately, I was not afflicted with either of these things. Now, I'm simply a theist annoyed Atheist who is sick of hearing about the crap. I'm closed up because I've been under such heavy bombardment, and most of the Christians I know aren't observant enough to realize it. They've made the situation worse rather than better. My lack of belief is stronger than ever. It's nice to be able to tell Christians that both being in a fox hole and having a terminal disease does not actually cause someone to believe in the fantasies they subscribe to from first hand personal experience. I have to admit, I'm enjoying that more than a little bit. Still, it doesn't make dealing with it on this level once again any less annoying. It's sad that it's actually the worst part about finding out I have a terminal illness. My life was saved by Science, not spiritualism. It was highly trained specialists, the latest in medical technology, and medications that have kept me alive and kicking. Not the psychic well wishes of people on their knees in front of a decorative torture statue. Credit should go to those who deserve it, and magic mind waves had nothing to do with it, period. Anyway, I'm back now, I'll probably be hanging around here quite a bit again. Nice to see a lot of familiar names on the boards. Glad I knew of a place I could go where I don't have to deal with it and cand find others who understand. May Google bless you with it's infinite wisdom...as well as much porn and many kittenz.. 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annier Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Wow, what an awesome post. Thanks for sharing your story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RedStar Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Wow, that's heavy stuff! Good to hear you're handling it so well and that you have proves the no atheists in foxholes bullshit to be untrue. That certainly brings a smile to my face! Good on you for having such a great attitude towards it all. Hope things keep getting better for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted January 27, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted January 27, 2013 I remember you. Wow, you really have been through some shit! I'm glad you're stable and hope that the heinous abomination known as science continues to bring you great improvement! Your outlook and attitude seem fantastic and I'm sure that's helping tremendously too. Thank you for sharing your awe-inspiring story with us. Looking forward to seeing more of your posts. Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MadameX Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 omigosh thank you for sharing your story with such eloquence I can tell you as a hospice volunteer who has listened to many people facing death that religion just has never come up in the conversations with the patient. It is usually memories, family, friends, and music, the music the person has grown up with. With family members, that is not always the case. And that is not to say that the subject hadn't been addressed with others, of course. However my good friend who was a longtime hospital chaplain said deathbed conversions, despite what some Christians may hope for, just don't happen. There is a blog somewhere that I am trying to find, of a person who was also an out atheist, and wrote about his illness, and dying, with courage and frankness. I hope the very best for you, may the transplant happen soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissingLink Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I am new to this site, and a newly realized atheist. (I've been questioning for years, but didn't finally "break away" until this past year). First, I am so sorry for the pain and misery you have been through, but I am glad you are stable, and that you have such a "positive" attitude about it. And I'm also glad you took the time to share your story here. What you have described is one of the things that made me realize there was no god. As you said, if there is "divine intervention", why aren't you healed completely? I am thankful for the doctors' expertise in treating you thus far..... I hope that you can find some comfort and solace knowing that there are people here (and elsewhere) who understand your frustration and realize what an obscene intrusion, really, their xtian religious crap is to your well-being. I also hope a transplant becomes availalbe soon....best wishes to you..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thackerie Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I remember you, too. Thanks for your story. As an atheist with a serious, debilitating disease (MS), I found it inspirational. Best wishes on recovering your health ... and escaping the christian loonies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 I didn't know you before, but it's an honor to meet you here now. What an amazing story! I hope that if/when I get sick like that I'll handle it with as much grace and clear-headedness. Best wishes.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
movingon Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Hey, welcome back. Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope you have continued improved health. Your positive outlook really is an inspiration. I hope things get better on the home front, but even if not, at least you have us to share with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alpha centauri Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Welcome back, ContaBardus! Sorry you've gone through so much terrible shit (the proselytizing had to be especially back). Glad to see you're staying strong despite it all, and wishing you all the best. Your story is inspiring, just like hearing stories of others who have gone through rough stuff and refused to surrender rationality and did not embrace the lies of a false god and those insufferable fairy tales. Keep the non-faith! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MultifariousBirdLady Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Welcome back, ContraBardus! I'm glad to hear you're stable and doing better than the docs were expecting. I hope things go well for you in the future... it would be really great if you could get stem-cell replacement parts. I'm really sorry to hear that the religious vultures have descended with the news of this. It sounds like you're coping with that really well, despite how annoying it is. I'm glad you'll be living with your less- (or non?)religious dad soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 ContraBardus, wishing you all the BEST that science and humanity can offer you. Thankyou for sharing your story, it has enriched my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilovemybrain Posted January 27, 2013 Share Posted January 27, 2013 Welcome back, Contra! I didn't know you well but I do remember you. I'm sorry you have to put up with so much shit. I know if I ever had a close family member die, or an illness or operation myself, I would have a lot of fundy BS to put up with. About a year ago my MIL died, and this year my mom got breast cancer, and the only way I can cope is to stay the hell away from the bullshit of others as much as possible. It can be maddening. I'm glad you're recovering so well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravenstar Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Wow thank you for sharing, your courage and strength is an inspiration. The body is an amazing thing and I truly believe our attitude makes a world of difference. I too wish you the very best in medical care and science (and health!) as well as people around you that don't stress you out. Looking forward to your posts... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RipVanWinkle Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Hi ContraBardus. I've only been here since September, so I'm relatively new. I too have congestive heart failure, but fortunately for me mine is not so bad as yours. Or maybe it is and I don't know it. I'm in my 70's, so I doubt that I would be a candidate for a heart and lung transplant. I do have a pacemaker and a defibrillator which helps a lot. I think I am stable. I have a friend who had a pacemaker and defibrillator installed when he was 70, and he is now 90 and hanging in there. I have read that heart transplants are getting more and more successful, but I'm sure you know more about that than I. I truly feel for you with respect to the christian proselytizers who wear out their welcome before they arrive. That is annoying beyond words. I had a friend who was driving me crazy with his bullshit Xtianity talk until I finally dropped him as a friend. That's a little awkward, but it had to be done. Anyway, I told my adult children that if I get a terminal illness and this former friend wants to come see me, that want them to keep him away by hook or by crook. That will be my last wish, which I am telling them in advance. I have the exact same attitude about death as you. Incidentally, so did Mark Twain. I just hope that I will be courageous enough to maintain that attitude. Welcome back! I look forward to many discussions with you. bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pandora Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 I'm glad you are back! I'm sad to hear you've been diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension. My mother was diagnosed in 2001, and they always said she was on the verge of death within two years. Like you, she couldn't walk far without getting severely out of breath. Going out to lunch with friends would put her in bed for three days. She eventually succumbed to secondary heart failure from the pulmonary hypertension. Hers was from an autoimmune disease. For some reason, the expensive med she was on (Tracleer) kept her alive for many years... until 2011! She progressed slowly over time, but she learned to adapt. I took care of her in her final years. She had a great attitude about life and took each day as it came. She learned to appreciate the little things in life, like the squirrels and birds at the feeder outside the window and reading books. My wish for you is the same and it sounds like you are already there. You could get hit by a Mack truck tomorrow, so try not to focus on the terminal diagnosis. Get your living will and advance directives written up, get things in order, and then enjoy life! I wish you luck with your impending transplant. I worked on a transplant unit, and post-transplant life is certainly demanding, but it will be worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
new2me Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Glad to hear that you're doing better, but sorry that you have to go through this at all! Thank goodness for good doctors! It seems to me that if an all-powerful God was going to heal you, he'd heal you completely. Why can the Jesus freaks never see this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monet Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 welcome back. i'm new here and recently had to move back in with my mother after 16 or so years. she's not catholic but i still empathize with you. i know how much it sucks living there again but at the same time you really appreciate her help. my hats off to you for holding strong to your beliefs (or lack thereof) when you've got everyone telling you god is responsible for keeping you alive and strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeCycle Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 Amazing! Hope that you continue to heal up better than expected. The human body is capable of amazing things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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