Mending Bridges

[msipsy218]

I'm wondering if any of you ever felt the need to apologize to the people you were a christian dick to?

 

I've apologized to friends for specific things but not to anyone who I actually lost contact with due to me being an asshole.

 

Here is the specific situation I feel torn about:

 

DH has  sisters by his dad. He is only close to one of them and we get along well. He has two that are younger, teenagers, and when we first got married we worked very hard to build a relationship with them. They come from a messy home situation. Lived with their gma most of their life because their mom was a drug-addicted whore (literally). About 3 years ago the mom got custody back and "found jesus." I'll give her some credit, she stopped fucking for money and stopped doing drugs, but she's still a terrible parent (letting them stay out all night at 13 and stuff like that).

 

Well when we were christians we thought the best thing for these kids was for them to "be saved" and we worked hard to make it happen (yuck). Well the older one (she was 15) started sleeping with her boyfriend, sneaking out, cussing a lot, so I decided to talk to her (she had previously been a christian). It got kind of ugly and I told her she was "going to go to hell" for the way she was behaving

 

The next day I apologized and she forgave me.

 

Then her mom read the messages and messaged my husband. It got way out of control with her calling me all kinds of horrible names, accusing me of cheating on him, saying I was never welcome in her home again, saying horrible things about my children.....and finally she told him that I was never allowed near her children again, to which my husband replied that where I am not welcome, neither is he.

 

This was 2010. We haven't spoke since.

 

When we had our baby his other sister posted some pictures and the older one (the I originally offended) said some really mean things in the comments about me. So I assume the whole apology thing has been forgotten now.

 

So I'm torn.

 

My christian bullshit got me into it, so I feel responsible, but at the same time I feel like I've seen a side of both of them that I don't care for. So I can't decide if I should put myself out there and try to fix it, or just let it go.

 

What do you guys think?

[Jose]

Letter or email first. Lay it all on the line, then maybe a phone call (if she initiates it), then maybe coffee or something.

 

Remember that you shouldn't do this just because you feel guilty, but because you want them back in your life. If that's the case, go for it.

[Eugene39]

Just let it go. But this is the opinion of someone who has no use for drama in his life.

[mymistake]

I would just let it go.  If years later one of them tries to fix things with you then you can repeat your apology.  I mean, you still regret the things you did for Jesus - right?  So repeating the apology is fine but wait until one of them shows interest.  If it never happens then it never happens.

[ClaraOlive]

Let it go. It really doesn't sound like an apology, even one that's accepted, is going to bring you closer together, reduce drama, or give your SIL peace.

 

To be totally honest, there Christians who were part of my past life who berated me about my activities with the threat of hell, and while I'd politely accept an apology if given one, I would greatly prefer to never be contacted by them again, even if they'd deconverted, and I would never let them close to me again. I don't want that to sound harsh on you, because I was an asshole Christian sometimes too and I bet a lot of us were, but speaking from the other viewpoint, contact just wouldn't be welcome at all.

 

However, if you really feel that you need to reach out to her, I think your husband should be the one to take the initiative, because she's his half-sister and it's usually better for in-laws to follow the lead of the direct family member.

[msipsy218]

Let it go. It really doesn't sound like an apology, even one that's accepted, is going to bring you closer together, reduce drama, or give your SIL peace.

 

To be totally honest, there Christians who were part of my past life who berated me about my activities with the threat of hell, and while I'd politely accept an apology if given one, I would greatly prefer to never be contacted by them again, even if they'd deconverted, and I would never let them close to me again. I don't want that to sound harsh on you, because I was an asshole Christian sometimes too and I bet a lot of us were, but speaking from the other viewpoint, contact just wouldn't be welcome at all.

 

However, if you really feel that you need to reach out to her, I think your husband should be the one to take the initiative, because she's his half-sister and it's usually better for in-laws to follow the lead of the direct family member.

 

I thought the same but my husband is not at all interested in speaking to them again. Which makes me feel even worse.

[Sheerbliss]

Since you already apologized, and your husband doesn't want to speak to her again, I can't think of anything else there is to be done, or why. But similar to Eugene39, this is from someone with no use for smart-alecky kids.

[TrueFreedom]

She doesn't sound like the type of person that I would want to be friends with--certainly not a cup-filler.  If you would like a "ministry" with her then do what you feel is right, but that sounds hella wrong to me.

[Chikirin]

No I feel no need to apologize. The religion is like a disease epidemic, it attacked me, it wasn't my fault. I don't expect my pastors to apologize to me, they were likewise born into it, or sucked into it; it's more powerful than a single person.

[Akheia]

I'd let it go if it was me in that situation. I wonder if you're wanting to apologize because you just want to apologize, or if you're hoping it'll heal something for you yourself? That AA thing about apologizing for every little thing isn't done out of altruism, you know. The original blowup was between you and the kid, and you two had already patched things up when the mom snooped and then threw a fit at you. I don't think she deserves any more of your mental and emotional life than she's already had, and I don't think she's going to appreciate your honesty as much as you deserve to see it appreciated.

 

Sometimes it's true, "least said, soonest mended." Let it go. Find your healing without dredging up old wounds or entrusting yourself to people you can't trust to appreciate your honesty.

[JadedAtheist]

It comes down to whether or not you want a relationship with them. Sometimes you can be right or you can be happy but you can't be both. I have no issue being 'wrong' to be happy but that's only happened a few times where I very much valued the relationship. True humility has a way of unnerving people and letting their anger and anything else along with it go. Some people though are real cunts deep down though but they are rare.

 

So, I would suggest if you really feel the need to mend bridges just show them your heart. Tell them you are very sorry for the way you acted and that you want to restore your relationship with them. Depending on how they react you'll know whether or not to pursue it further or leave it be.

[ClaraOlive]

I don't think she deserves any more of your mental and emotional life than she's already had, and I don't think she's going to appreciate your honesty as much as you deserve to see it appreciated.

 

I think that's the wrong reason to withhold an apology.

 

Although I think the OP should let it go, the reason I think another apology would be appropriate if the right time came up for it is because the first apology was made as a pushy Christian. There's a huge difference between the apology of a Christian which is basically "I'm sorry that I said you're going to hell even though you're probably going to hell and I'm still judging you, just quietly now" and "I'm sorry that I said you're going to hell because it was wrong, untrue and hurtful".

[Blue elephant]

Just to clarify .....

 

The daughter would be about 17 now??????  The idea of needing the mothers permission to contact the daughter is probably no longer relevant.

 

If you are in a position where you see the daughter around town  or something, you might just be someone that she will listen to.  When you tell her to avoid some situations and she knows it not for god-bothering reasons ... she just might take notice.

 

But. I think the main thing is that you can't force contact if they are a long way from you and you never just bump in to the daughter.  As for the mother ..... some troubles i life are not worth having.

[ShackledNoMore]

I have a slightly different perspective than a lot of responses I've read.

Because you were a dick at the beginning of the original incident, and because an apology now would be something quite different than your first (then, as a xian, apology or no, your de facto position would have been that she would go to hell by not being "saved" or not living right, or whatever the criteria of your version of the sect had been).  So in principle, and in the general case, I would think an apology now would be a nice thing.

But...  That's not really the issue here.

After one dickish move on your part, just one, a move in the context of you and the girl's parents being xians and the girl being a "wayward xian," followed the next day by an apology, you received the following treatment, way disproportionate to the offense:

1) The mother called you and your husband horrible names.

2) She accused you of cheating on your husband (whatever that's supposed to have to do with the 15 y.o. cussing and cheating with her bf).

3) She said horrible things about your children who had nothing to do with this.

4) She banned you from ever seeing her children again.

It sounds like the mother is a pretty vile person, and unless you were really low down and awful in the subsequent shit storm, and it doesn't sound like you were.  I'd say there's no way you owe the mother any sort of apology.

As for the daughter, she's signed on to the "you are evil" bandwagon, but she was already a loose cannon, she's also been indoctrinated for the past two or three years that you're evil incarnate, and for her entire life she's been raised by a pretty awful mother.  She's probably had difficulties weathering that very well at all.  With her mother dominating center stage in her life, I doubt that you have much of an opportunity to really influence here that much, either positively or negatively.  In one sense, if you ever have an opportunity, it might be nice if you can define your position now and apologize (to the daughter, not the mother), if you ever have an opportunity, but it's probably already a lost battle, and would likely not go over all that wall and maybe bring on more shit storms.  Plus, I don't see it as practical.  Maybe some circumstance in the future would present a way to make amends more naturally (maybe or maybe not).  Remember, your focus is on your dickish, but common move that you did as a xian (and of course the whole pushing them to "get saved" thing).  That's what you see in retrospect.  What they see in retrospect is that you were a pushy, self righteous bitch with the gall to stick your nose in their business and badmouth the daughter.  Though it may all be a function of how dysfunctional they themselves are, that's how they see it through their eyes.

[Lilith666]

It sounds like you worked it out with the teen rebel, so I'd say let it go. Her mother has issues that an apology probably won't fix.

[Guest MadameX]

Can you find a way to forgive yourself? You were involved in crazy, so it is no wonder you did crazy things.

 

Fundyism is like institutionalized crazy, and the behavior of fundies seem like addiction. Life and its uncertainties is uncomfortable, no wonder some are drawn to the fake certainties of fundyism.

 

When people do a searching and fearless inventory of themself however, they end up Ex-c. Like you. That is already step 4 of the twelve steps. Step 8 is:

 

 

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

 

This may be essential for you to do to forgive yourself. However heed the warning of step 9:

 

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

 

 

You may want to postpone to the distant future any action toward this girl.

 

Good luck to you, msipsy218. 

[Sheerbliss]

I'm wondering if any of you ever felt the need to apologize to the people you were a christian dick to?

 

I've apologized to friends for specific things but not to anyone who I actually lost contact with due to me being an asshole.

 

Here is the specific situation I feel torn about:

 

DH has  sisters by his dad. He is only close to one of them and we get along well. He has two that are younger, teenagers, and when we first got married we worked very hard to build a relationship with them. They come from a messy home situation. Lived with their gma most of their life because their mom was a drug-addicted whore (literally). About 3 years ago the mom got custody back and "found jesus." I'll give her some credit, she stopped fucking for money and stopped doing drugs, but she's still a terrible parent (letting them stay out all night at 13 and stuff like that).

 

Well when we were christians we thought the best thing for these kids was for them to "be saved" and we worked hard to make it happen (yuck). Well the older one (she was 15) started sleeping with her boyfriend, sneaking out, cussing a lot, so I decided to talk to her (she had previously been a christian). It got kind of ugly and I told her she was "going to go to hell" for the way she was behaving

 

The next day I apologized and she forgave me.

 

Then her mom read the messages and messaged my husband. It got way out of control with her calling me all kinds of horrible names, accusing me of cheating on him, saying I was never welcome in her home again, saying horrible things about my children.....and finally she told him that I was never allowed near her children again, to which my husband replied that where I am not welcome, neither is he.

 

This was 2010. We haven't spoke since.

 

When we had our baby his other sister posted some pictures and the older one (the I originally offended) said some really mean things in the comments about me. So I assume the whole apology thing has been forgotten now.

 

So I'm torn.

 

My christian bullshit got me into it, so I feel responsible, but at the same time I feel like I've seen a side of both of them that I don't care for. So I can't decide if I should put myself out there and try to fix it, or just let it go.

 

What do you guys think?

Since she forgave you after your apology, I don't see any reason for a new, improved, more sincere apology. And if her mom's a former drug-addicted prostitute who found Jesus, she probably won't want her kids getting close to atheists. There's no zealot like a reformed zealot.

[msipsy218]

Well, I was inspired to make this post after the 17 yr old unblocked us from fb (didn't friend us, I just saw her on a mutual friends comments and knew that meant she had taken us off of her "blocked" list.

 

Today the shit hit the fan.

 

I commented on one of DH's other sister's status (nothing about any of this) and the 17 yr old must have been bored bc she decided it was a great time to flip the fuck out.

 

In summary: I'm an evil bitch who took her big brother away and won't let him have a relationship with his "real" family or let her have a relationship with her nieces and nephew. I told her that me telling her she would go to hell was wrong and that I was sorry for that. She said she accepted my apology but said that I'm still "a bitch." The oldest sister (whose status it was on) told her to stfu,  My husband came in and told her that he never wanted to hear from her again if she can't treat me with respect.

 

I'm done.

 

I feel better because I apologized again and now I know that she's just a messed up person and my life is better without her.

 

Fun times.

[Akheia]

Well, at least you know now, and you did what you feel you had to do. She sounds profoundly messed up to me too.

[msipsy218]

Well, at least you know now, and you did what you feel you had to do. She sounds profoundly messed up to me too.

 

I suppose anyone would be, coming from her background. And she's young so she doesn't really understand the power of her words or the long-term affect, I don't think. But she's toxic. And I'm not interested in being involved in that.