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Goodbye Jesus

Deconversion. Ah, What About The Kids!?


Adrianime

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Hi there ex-Christians! 

 

I am personally interested in hearing the situations or stories surrounding your deconversion when you had children who were ALREADY believers in the picture.  How did you tell your kids?  Did they react well?  Do they believe you?  Are they doing OK?  I'd love to hear your stories. 

 

Oh and kids of all ages are fine, although the most interesting stories will probably be from kids aged 7 to 17.

 

Wendyeaves.gif

 

 

Edit:  For the sake of clarity, let me say that I'm not looking for help on this issue myself.  I just want to give people a chance to tell their stories, struggles, successes, resolutions, and failures to the ex-Christian world.  I'm willing to listen (read).

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There are several people here who can help.  Not me personally, though.

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I've posted this before.  A few months ago my son asked me if I believed in God.  I told him "no" and that shocked him.  We have had several conversations since then.  We left a closed minded Nazarene church and now occasionaly attend a Catholic one.  I asked my son if he missed the old church and he said "no".  He said he does like the new one because "It makes him feel like a real Christian".  He just figured out that Santa isn't real so the Age of Reason if approaching fast.  My role is to support him when he figures it out.  I'm going to teach him how to respect his mother's beliefs even if he doesn't share them.  Meanwhile the less church my family gets the better for everyone.  We have missed six Sundays in a row.

 

Can you be more spectfic about your situation?

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I hope more people respond to this. I would like to hear about what others with children are going through. My children are 7 and 5. Although neither of them made a "profession of faith", I would have considered them both to be Christians. In our denomination we baptized them as infants, and treated them like part of the church. My husband and I catechized them, and had our own evening bible studies with prayer and singing. We also went to church three times a week. We ended up reading through a children's picture bible with them at least a half of dozen times. They are very familiar with the bible, especially the 7 year old.

 

We left our church about 3 months ago. We sat them down, and told them that we would not be going back to church. We also explained our reasons for not going back. Our 5 year old actually said "Yippee!", but our 7 year old shed some tears. She didn't want to leave her friends.

 

I think they are adjusting very well. They miss their friends, but they don't miss going to church at all. Our Sundays used to be very boring. Go to church, eat lunch, relax, go back to church, eat dinner, go to bed. Now we go to the zoo, a park, a museum, or just stay at home and relax. Our 7 year old tells us that she doesn't believe in god either. It makes me sad that we have this much influence over them. I keep telling her that she doesn't have to decide these things right now. I want her to continue to learn and ask questions, so she can form her own opinions.

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I hope more people respond to this. I would like to hear about what others with children are going through. My children are 7 and 5. Although neither of them made a "profession of faith", I would have considered them both to be Christians. In our denomination we baptized them as infants, and treated them like part of the church. My husband and I catechized them, and had our own evening bible studies with prayer and singing. We also went to church three times a week. We ended up reading through a children's picture bible with them at least a half of dozen times. They are very familiar with the bible, especially the 7 year old.

 

We left our church about 3 months ago. We sat them down, and told them that we would not be going back to church. We also explained our reasons for not going back. Our 5 year old actually said "Yippee!", but our 7 year old shed some tears. She didn't want to leave her friends.

 

I think they are adjusting very well. They miss their friends, but they don't miss going to church at all. Our Sundays used to be very boring. Go to church, eat lunch, relax, go back to church, eat dinner, go to bed. Now we go to the zoo, a park, a museum, or just stay at home and relax. Our 7 year old tells us that she doesn't believe in god either. It makes me sad that we have this much influence over them. I keep telling her that she doesn't have to decide these things right now. I want her to continue to learn and ask questions, so she can form her own opinions.

 

PeopleArePeople.  I hope more people respond to this too haha.  I'm glad things have gone better with your kids than with your mother!  Yeah, adding some spice to your Sundays definitely should make life a bit more interesting.  Your kids probably thought of it similar to school.  Good thing they hadn't emotionally latched onto the religion yet!  I bet with that extra 10% of your income you can afford more recreational outings, eh? wink.png

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I just don't bring it up.  My daughter is 18, going on 19.  We just don't discuss it.  My wife, I think she still believes but has taken a stance that she really doesn't want to participate.  

 

Hi BurnedOut,  How long has it been since your whole family went to church?  Did you force your daughter to go all her life?  Does she still go to church?  Does she know you don't believe?  Does she believe?  Haha, I know, it's alot of questions.  Sorry!

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I've posted this before.  A few months ago my son asked me if I believed in God.  I told him "no" and that shocked him.  We have had several conversations since then.  We left a closed minded Nazarene church and now occasionaly attend a Catholic one.  I asked my son if he missed the old church and he said "no".  He said he does like the new one because "It makes him feel like a real Christian".  He just figured out that Santa isn't real so the Age of Reason if approaching fast.  My role is to support him when he figures it out.  I'm going to teach him how to respect his mother's beliefs even if he doesn't share them.  Meanwhile the less church my family gets the better for everyone.  We have missed six Sundays in a row.

 

Can you be more spectfic about your situation?

 

Whoo 6 church misses in a row!  Good job Mistake family!  What are your future plans for your son and church?

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Whoo 6 church misses in a row!  Good job Mistake family!  What are your future plans for your son and church?

 

I'm not really worried about him.  I will keep pumping the science and he will figure it out on his own.  We are not going to allow him into any kids programs so he won't get confirmed or anything worse.  I just need to have his back if his mom starts in with the "going to hell" crap.

 

The bigger issue for me is my daughter.  I've been fighting a delaying action ever since I deconverted.  I just don't want her to be dedicated.  When she was born I was Christian in name only.  I walked away completely when she was about one year old.  There was no way I could make that promise at the Fundie, close-minded, hatemonger, Nazarene church.  Now that we (sometimes) attend mass at the Roman Childmolester Church I still want to minimize everything.

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I'm lucky in this regard; our two elder daughters were raised in our church and had a lot of friends there and I thought they would really be distraught when we stopped going, but to be honest they have just moved on and made new friends (and better friends to be frank) and they have told us they don't miss going to church one bit, in fact our 8 year old couldn't be happier, she would always complain about how boring it was there and how some of the kids would pick on her and swear at her (gasp!). We have 3 yr old twins who thankfully will never know that particular Sunday ritual.

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I'm lucky in this regard; our two elder daughters were raised in our church and had a lot of friends there and I thought they would really be distraught when we stopped going, but to be honest they have just moved on and made new friends (and better friends to be frank) and they have told us they don't miss going to church one bit, in fact our 8 year old couldn't be happier, she would always complain about how boring it was there and how some of the kids would pick on her and swear at her (gasp!). We have 3 yr old twins who thankfully will never know that particular Sunday ritual.

 

How old were your elder daughters?

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Mcdaddy, Jeepblue (spelt it worng),  2honest,  ilovemybrain  are a few who might have some more input. 

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I'm lucky in this regard; our two elder daughters were raised in our church and had a lot of friends there and I thought they would really be distraught when we stopped going, but to be honest they have just moved on and made new friends (and better friends to be frank) and they have told us they don't miss going to church one bit, in fact our 8 year old couldn't be happier, she would always complain about how boring it was there and how some of the kids would pick on her and swear at her (gasp!). We have 3 yr old twins who thankfully will never know that particular Sunday ritual.

 

How old were your elder daughters?

they were about eight and four when we left, although my sister and mother in law kept taking them for a couple years until they just said 'we don't wanna go anymore'.  woot!

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This is an interesting question to me as I told my 3 children only a month ago.  (I realized I was an atheist less than a year ago). My children are grown - all in their 20s.  Even though they were raised in the church, as adults they had basically become "non-religious" for lack of a better term.  They don't attend church now - I think it's just not relevant to their lives, and they don't want to get up early on Sunday mornings!  But I think all 3 would have told you they were christians - in our part of the world (bible belt),it's just the way things are. 

 

They had noticed that I had stopped attending church about a year ago. Obviously,  I needed to tell them before I begin to tell others. They were a little shocked, but accepting.  I am a science teacher, so they had been raised to accept scientific evidence to explain our world. In fact, we've had some good discussions since then, and I think they are questioning what they really believe. 

 

I can see how it would be very different if they were younger and still living at home.  As it is now, my children are adults who have their own lives -  what I do doesn't have as great  an impact on their day-to-day activities as it used to.  So far, they  (and my husband who is still a xtian) are the only ones I have told.  My husband is a different story, but he's trying to understand.....

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My time with kids who use to Church and families who have left it, have yielded this opinion from me. 

It's important to keep a child's mind free and allow them to be without influence one way or the other. To be free to make up their own minds.

Then teach them to question things and to use logic even at young ages. Even if this means telling them Santa isn't real and Christmas is a time of loved ones giving you gifts and you doing the same for them (which is just as good right).

Once the Christianity seeds are planted first, it's harder than hell to get them out.

Like the barbs on a fishing hook, easy to sink in, harder to pull out.

 

Exceptions always, of course.

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I'm not really worried about him.  I will keep pumping the science and he will figure it out on his own.  We are not going to allow him into any kids programs so he won't get confirmed or anything worse.  I just need to have his back if his mom starts in with the "going to hell" crap.

 

The bigger issue for me is my daughter.  I've been fighting a delaying action ever since I deconverted.  I just don't want her to be dedicated.  When she was born I was Christian in name only.  I walked away completely when she was about one year old.  There was no way I could make that promise at the Fundie, close-minded, hatemonger, Nazarene church.  Now that we (sometimes) attend mass at the Roman Childmolester Church I still want to minimize everything.

 

What do you mean by delaying action?  I had never heard of dedicated, so I just looked it up.  Something like promising to raise the child for god?  Yeah, don't do that.  How old is your daughter now?  Have you had a serious talk with your wife about how you want to handle religion with your kids?

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I'm lucky in this regard; our two elder daughters were raised in our church and had a lot of friends there and I thought they would really be distraught when we stopped going, but to be honest they have just moved on and made new friends (and better friends to be frank) and they have told us they don't miss going to church one bit, in fact our 8 year old couldn't be happier, she would always complain about how boring it was there and how some of the kids would pick on her and swear at her (gasp!). We have 3 yr old twins who thankfully will never know that particular Sunday ritual.

 

How old were your elder daughters?

they were about eight and four when we left, although my sister and mother in law kept taking them for a couple years until they just said 'we don't wanna go anymore'.  woot!

 

That's great.  These kids will at least be partially raised without the ritualism, prejudices, and false promises of Christianity.  Maybe they will slink back to it in the future.  But at least when they do ultimately decide how they see the world, they will have a much cleaner slate to compare different world views without an overwhelming bias. 

 

Did you and your wife "lose faith" together?

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This is an interesting question to me as I told my 3 children only a month ago.  (I realized I was an atheist less than a year ago). My children are grown - all in their 20s.  Even though they were raised in the church, as adults they had basically become "non-religious" for lack of a better term.  They don't attend church now - I think it's just not relevant to their lives, and they don't want to get up early on Sunday mornings!  But I think all 3 would have told you they were christians - in our part of the world (bible belt),it's just the way things are. 

 

They had noticed that I had stopped attending church about a year ago. Obviously,  I needed to tell them before I begin to tell others. They were a little shocked, but accepting.  I am a science teacher, so they had been raised to accept scientific evidence to explain our world. In fact, we've had some good discussions since then, and I think they are questioning what they really believe. 

 

I can see how it would be very different if they were younger and still living at home.  As it is now, my children are adults who have their own lives -  what I do doesn't have as great  an impact on their day-to-day activities as it used to.  So far, they  (and my husband who is still a xtian) are the only ones I have told.  My husband is a different story, but he's trying to understand.....

 

Your font was huge, so I shrank it.

 

That's fantastic that your kids were so accepting.  I suppose you are lucky that they aren't "hardcore" believers.  I would imagine a parent telling their 20 year old that they were no longer christian (or are in fact an atheist) would be the hardest.  Because kids in their early 20s are just finally consolidating their childhood experiences, and using their current world experiences to craft their outlooks on life.  If your kids had crafted an ultra christian outlook, they would probably feel very betrayed by you, who raised them that way.  but, like I said, you got lucky!  Which is good! 

 

I'm sorry your husband isn't fully understanding.  Is he being passive about it?  or Aggressive?  Or both?

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My time with kids who use to Church and families who have left it, have yielded this opinion from me. 

It's important to keep a child's mind free and allow them to be without influence one way or the other. To be free to make up their own minds.

Then teach them to question things and to use logic even at young ages. Even if this means telling them Santa isn't real and Christmas is a time of loved ones giving you gifts and you doing the same for them (which is just as good right).

Once the Christianity seeds are planted first, it's harder than hell to get them out.

Like the barbs on a fishing hook, easy to sink in, harder to pull out.

 

Exceptions always, of course.

 

Yes, that's what I'm scared of seeing.   So far parents here haven't said they had that experience with children.  But I can imagine a child being adamant about the existence of god and such, and not accepting their parent's loss of belief. 

 

As a side note, I was raised with Christmas being a time for family to get together and show generosity and appreciation towards each other through gift giving and togetherness.  It has never had a religious feel or point to me.  I actually got in a small debate on a Yahoo! article with somebody because I said Christmas is much more of a cultural festival than it is a religious celebration.  That being because it borrows traditions from pagan festivals.  And Jesus' birthday (if he existed) was definitely not Dec. 25th.  And probably other points.  Oh, some people got mad!

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 I bet with that extra 10% of your income you can afford more recreational outings, eh? wink.png

 

 

 

That has been one of the biggest perks of deconverting yellow.gif

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This is an interesting question to me as I told my 3 children only a month ago.  (I realized I was an atheist less than a year ago). My children are grown - all in their 20s.  Even though they were raised in the church, as adults they had basically become "non-religious" for lack of a better term.  They don't attend church now - I think it's just not relevant to their lives, and they don't want to get up early on Sunday mornings!  But I think all 3 would have told you they were christians - in our part of the world (bible belt),it's just the way things are. 

 

They had noticed that I had stopped attending church about a year ago. Obviously,  I needed to tell them before I begin to tell others. They were a little shocked, but accepting.  I am a science teacher, so they had been raised to accept scientific evidence to explain our world. In fact, we've had some good discussions since then, and I think they are questioning what they really believe. 

 

I can see how it would be very different if they were younger and still living at home.  As it is now, my children are adults who have their own lives -  what I do doesn't have as great  an impact on their day-to-day activities as it used to.  So far, they  (and my husband who is still a xtian) are the only ones I have told.  My husband is a different story, but he's trying to understand.....

 

Were you disappointed in your children's lack of religion before you deconverted? Did you worry about them or think you had failed as a parent? (Just curious)

I am glad it went so well when you told them. I hope your husband comes around too. smile.png

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As I went down the journey from Calvinist to Universalist to not being a Christian at all...my kids followed me

 

When I discussed with them all the evidence or lack of for the idea Jesus is God etc they just listened and agreed

 

Later I found out they had problems with the doctrines anyway and sending them to Baptist school from 6-8 grade pretty much sealed the deal. Those people were some nasty ones.

 

So the three of us are all irreligious now but their Mom, my ex is still a real fundy. the pretty much tolerate her and humor her.

 

 

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As I went down the journey from Calvinist to Universalist to not being a Christian at all...my kids followed me

 

When I discussed with them all the evidence or lack of for the idea Jesus is God etc they just listened and agreed

 

Later I found out they had problems with the doctrines anyway and sending them to Baptist school from 6-8 grade pretty much sealed the deal. Those people were some nasty ones.

 

So the three of us are all irreligious now but their Mom, my ex is still a real fundy. the pretty much tolerate her and humor her.

 

Your ex is their mother, correct?  Why no longer together?

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An update on my situation: it seems I may have been too cocky about my kids being free of the church. My wife's aunty invited my daughter to their church's youth group. I wasn't exactly enamoured with the idea, but my wife assured me they would just be playing games and having fun, and she doesn't have any social outlet at the moment, so I relented. Last night I picked her up from her first night there and she informs me that there was quite a lot of singing (ok..), preaching (huh?), and even prophesying (wtf??). So now I am really torn because she said she had a great time and really wants to go again, and although obviously I don't want her to, and I said exactly that to my wife, I know that she is pretty mature and also very cynical when it comes to the religious side of it. She mostly just tolerates the preaching so she can play games and have fun. But I also know that it only takes a canny youth leader to get in her ear.. I know how it works. She's twelve though, just started high school and I am loathe to just put my foot down and say no you can't go. But if I don't I may be sorry later on. Sigh.

 

"They just keep pulling me back in"

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I have 3 grown children. About a month before I came out with my deconversion to them I spoke to each of them and said that I loved them no matter what their faith and in case they developed a different faith than me I would still love them.

 

When I then went public I think that helped them to understand how they should handle the situation. So far my kids have been great.

 

In fact my youngest, a 21 year old, told me that she didn't believe either and just didnt feel free to say it until now.

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Owen - yikes, scary stuff. I'd be nervous about her going as well. Have you had a chance to feel her out for how seriously she's taking this stuff, maybe get her learning about the various fallacies and injustices involved in the religion?

 

Ellwood - that's sweet about your 21-year-old child. You sound like you did just fine with them, to me. Congrats to all of you for doing so well.

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