When Christian Marriage Becomes A Prison

[wanderinstar]

Most of you know that my husband and I have been separated for six months. In my ex-timony I stated it had nothing to do with me losing my faith a few months earlier but now, as I sift through the ashes, I realize just how profoundly christianity affected not only my choice of husband and how I approached our marriage but also my decision to end it. 

 

To explain; when I was a young, single devout christian woman I refused to even consider a romantic relationship with a non-christian male. This meant that my selection pool shrunk quite dramatically as in Australia the majority of people are either non-christian or nominal christians. Only around 5% of us go to church. So after years waiting for the man god had set aside for me I became quite desperate, although would not have admitted that to myself at the time. This meant that when my husband showed interest in me I immediately believed he was the 'one'. Man, I even heard an audible voice telling me so.....yes, I was hallucinating. Religion does tend to make people a little psychotic. Anyway, seven months later we were married and shared our first kiss ever on our wedding day. (we wanted to remain pure - after having prayer to re-purify us from our previous sexual partners)

 

Well, from the honeymoon on my husband changed. He began drinking heavily, broke his previous promises to me regarding financial issues amongst other important things and began to have wild mood swings from chatting non-stop about grand, illogical ideas he had to being totally withdrawn and silent. I truly loved him and saw that he was most likely suffering from a mood disorder like bipolar so I encouraged him to seek help. He refused. I told him his behavior was hurting me - he became defensive, even aggressive at times which made it clear it was a subject to be banned.

 

For years I sought help from pastors, prayer warriors, christian friends and christian counselors and everyone told me to pray more, be a perfect christian wife and follow the bible, then god will break through for us. One lady did notice he wasn't likely to change and suggested leaving him BUT warned me I still could not break my vows by divorcing or ever being with another man. Since I am a loyal, determined, stubborn person of deep faith in christ I spent the next 8 years of my marriage praying over an hour a day, submitted to my husband (and his crazy delusions) and genuinely expected god to heal our marriage. i even thought we would be a testimony to gods power and the importance of staying faithful to your vows.....

 

God never came through, my husband became more unwell, as did I. I lost my job after my body shut down with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia; I could hardly get out of bed. Then it got worse, much, much worse. My husband dragged mein my unwell state to his parents farm so he could build a bus (a fantasy of his). I was too unwell to fight and still hoped for rescue from god; the thought of leaving my husband was still unthinkable. Within six months of living with his equally crazy parents who didn't believe I was unwell and blamed me for their sons weird behavior, I began to get clinically depressed. Then my PTSD began to come back as I felt very threatened with all that yelling while being trapped in the country, far away from family and friends. As I was severely, sexually abused as a child I am prone to PTSD in the right (wrong?) circumstances. 

 

So deeply had I fallen into despair I attempted suicide several times. On the plus side this got me access to professional, secular help but it has been a very long road back and I am still not completely well. Anyway, I cried out to god to comfort me, help me - ANYTHING!! He did nothing so I chose to die. My life had been reduced to nothing. I was isolated with no contact with any community. Being in hospital saved my life as I was given medication, took a few tries over about 18 months but it works really well now, and I got time out from my marriage and life in general to gain some perspective. I LIVED in that hospital on and off for two years as the doctors knew my home life was killing me and I had nowhere else safe to go. No christian ran to my help outside the token single visit that makes them feel like they did something. Slowly my christian 'friends' forgot about me in hospital and I received almost no visitors.

 

To get to the point. None of this would have happened if I was not christian. Sure I would have made some bad relationship choices due to my traumatic childhood but even if I did marry someone like this I would have felt free to leave him if it were destroying my life. As a devout christian I got to the place where I preferred suicide to divorce as I felt I couldn't live with myself and the shame if I broke my marriage vows. I lost my faith after finally wondering if it were at all true as I had not experienced ANY sign of god's existance so I investigated it historically and rationally. Then when my husband left me quite suddenly and hurtfully only to return three weeks later denying he did that I was able to tell him our marriage was over.

 

I know many christians have satisfying marriages but I am wondering if overall many people are being trapped in abusive marriages due to the restrictions placed on them by their faith? Does being christian actually create more destructive relationships or is this just going to happen whatever people believe?

[Pantophobia]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this, wanderinstar, but I'm glad you're out. Try not to get bogged down with assigning blame, but focus on your own growth, okay? No wonder your body was reacting to these things in the ways it did! 

 

How are you doing these days? Are you finding help and support? 
 

 

I know many christians have satisfying marriages but I am wondering if overall many people are being trapped in abusive marriages due to the restrictions placed on them by their faith? Does being christian actually create more destructive relationships or is this just going to happen whatever people believe?

 I really think it does. I saw people from my Christian high school encouraged to marry too soon and too young, either because they had had sex with someone and this was the way to "make it right" or because they wanted to have sex. I also have several cousins who have been in abusive and horrible relationships with fellow-Christians and non-Christians, and stay because the church tells them to. My cousin "Lisa" has been with a man who drinks, cheats, has batted her around, and yet she stays and does so proudly because her church has advised her to "cleave to [her] husband." Her sister "Shelly" married at 17 to a drug addict and had seven children with him, even though he physically abused them all severely. She left several times and even lived with us for a month, but each time, when she went to her church for help, they told her that marriage was "in sickness and in health" and that divorce was a sin, so she and the kids kept returning. Luckily, her husband committed suicide a week before their 25th anniversary. Unluckily, the five-year-old found the body. 

 

The Christian idea that women are meant to be these strong, uncomplaining saints, and that men are the patriarchal "head" of the household and the family's spirituality is more of an "unequally yoked" situation than a marriage between a believer and nonbeliever. It sets up such an unfair balance and forces people into roles for which they may not be suited. Or which may not be healthy. (It really does seem to affect those of us women who were sexually abused, too, since we are trained early to acquiesce and shut up about it.) I'm sure for some people it works. I've seen women happily give up agency in order to have what they perceive as the security of marriage and motherhood instead of realizing that they can be married and mothers without being a second class citizen in the family. But generally, the current stream of patriarchy-heavy rhetoric around Christianity helps no one, and creates so many sad family situations. This is why feminism helps everyone, not just women. 

[Ross]

The last sentence of your first paragraph, you had described my first marriage to a tee. Basically the independant fundie church that I meet my first wife in forced us into a marriage. They did this by saying if we didn't we would fall into sin by having sex outside of marriage. When I look back at the 20 years it lasted I see that it was a train wreck from the start. Best thing to come out of it are my 2 daughters. Having these girls makes all those sad and bad years worth it.

 

My 2nd marriage and I am an ex-xtian, my wife has never a been a xtain. By the way we got married last week. Been together over 3 years. She inspires me to be me. Not some preconceived idea of what the bible/church think I should be. Nor am I trying to be this man of god. I have not known such freedom in a relationship to be just me till I met Jan.

 

Sorry I have started to take over your thread.

[mymistake]

Your problems were different but the part about turning to God and then trying to justify the silent answers rings so familar.  Yes Christianity has cookie cutter results because it is a cookie cutter solution to problems.  Just pray harder and turn to the empty void that we pretend is God.

 

 

To get to the point. None of this would have happened if I was not christian. Sure I would have made some bad relationship choices due to my traumatic childhood but even if I did marry someone like this I would have felt free to leave him if it were destroying my life. As a devout christian I got to the place where I preferred suicide to divorce as I felt I couldn't live with myself and the shame if I broke my marriage vows.

 

 

That is a testimony for just how empty and painful the "Abundant Life" can be.  Many Christians would rather be dead.  The Abundant Life of Christ makes many people wish they were dead.

 

 

I lost my faith after finally wondering if it were at all true as I had not experienced ANY sign of god's existance so I investigated it historically and rationally. Then when my husband left me quite suddenly and hurtfully only to return three weeks later denying he did that I was able to tell him our marriage was over.

 

 

Yes, it was time to ditch that loser.  I hope you find health, real friends and worthy companionship.  I can't offer you a divine, reality-controlling genie to grant your wishes but I can offer you the encouragement to strike out on your own two feet and solve your own problems.  You are much stronger then God ever was.

[wanderinstar]

I'm so sorry you had to go through this, wanderinstar, but I'm glad you're out. Try not to get bogged down with assigning blame, but focus on your own growth, okay? No wonder your body was reacting to these things in the ways it did! 

 

How are you doing these days? Are you finding help and support? 

 

 

I know many christians have satisfying marriages but I am wondering if overall many people are being trapped in abusive marriages due to the restrictions placed on them by their faith? Does being christian actually create more destructive relationships or is this just going to happen whatever people believe?

 I really think it does. I saw people from my Christian high school encouraged to marry too soon and too young, either because they had had sex with someone and this was the way to "make it right" or because they wanted to have sex. I also have several cousins who have been in abusive and horrible relationships with fellow-Christians and non-Christians, and stay because the church tells them to. My cousin "Lisa" has been with a man who drinks, cheats, has batted her around, and yet she stays and does so proudly because her church has advised her to "cleave to [her] husband." Her sister "Shelly" married at 17 to a drug addict and had seven children with him, even though he physically abused them all severely. She left several times and even lived with us for a month, but each time, when she went to her church for help, they told her that marriage was "in sickness and in health" and that divorce was a sin, so she and the kids kept returning. Luckily, her husband committed suicide a week before their 25th anniversary. Unluckily, the five-year-old found the body. 

 

The Christian idea that women are meant to be these strong, uncomplaining saints, and that men are the patriarchal "head" of the household and the family's spirituality is more of an "unequally yoked" situation than a marriage between a believer and nonbeliever. It sets up such an unfair balance and forces people into roles for which they may not be suited. Or which may not be healthy. (It really does seem to affect those of us women who were sexually abused, too, since we are trained early to acquiesce and shut up about it.) I'm sure for some people it works. I've seen women happily give up agency in order to have what they perceive as the security of marriage and motherhood instead of realizing that they can be married and mothers without being a second class citizen in the family. But generally, the current stream of patriarchy-heavy rhetoric around Christianity helps no one, and creates so many sad family situations. This is why feminism helps everyone, not just women. 

 

Thanks Pantophobia! I have a great therapist, psychiatrist and rheumatologist now so I am receiving excellent treatment. My support network is a little thin but I do have a great Mum. In a few weeks I am starting at University so hopefully I will make new (non-christian) friends there, although I am now pretty shy and don't trust people which may make forming friendships tough. You make some valid points about Christianity's impact on marriages. I guess this is what I am beginning to realize now, as Christopher Hitchens put it, 'how religion poisons everything'. Your cousins experiences are truly horrifying yet sadly I would bet similar situations are being played out across the globe as we speak. This makes me very angry. You are right in saying Feminism helps everyone.

[wanderinstar]

The last sentence of your first paragraph, you had described my first marriage to a tee. Basically the independant fundie church that I meet my first wife in forced us into a marriage. They did this by saying if we didn't we would fall into sin by having sex outside of marriage. When I look back at the 20 years it lasted I see that it was a train wreck from the start. Best thing to come out of it are my 2 daughters. Having these girls makes all those sad and bad years worth it.

 

My 2nd marriage and I am an ex-xtian, my wife has never a been a xtain. By the way we got married last week. Been together over 3 years. She inspires me to be me. Not some preconceived idea of what the bible/church think I should be. Nor am I trying to be this man of god. I have not known such freedom in a relationship to be just me till I met Jan.

 

Sorry I have started to take over your thread.

 

No Problem Ross. It is wonderful you have found someone who accepts you as you are and allows you to be free. Congratulations on you new marriage!! 

[wanderinstar]

Your problems were different but the part about turning to God and then trying to justify the silent answers rings so familar.  Yes Christianity has cookie cutter results because it is a cookie cutter solution to problems.  Just pray harder and turn to the empty void that we pretend is God.

 

 

To get to the point. None of this would have happened if I was not christian. Sure I would have made some bad relationship choices due to my traumatic childhood but even if I did marry someone like this I would have felt free to leave him if it were destroying my life. As a devout christian I got to the place where I preferred suicide to divorce as I felt I couldn't live with myself and the shame if I broke my marriage vows.

 

 

That is a testimony for just how empty and painful the "Abundant Life" can be.  Many Christians would rather be dead.  The Abundant Life of Christ makes many people wish they were dead.

 

 

>

I lost my faith after finally wondering if it were at all true as I had not experienced ANY sign of god's existance so I investigated it historically and rationally. Then when my husband left me quite suddenly and hurtfully only to return three weeks later denying he did that I was able to tell him our marriage was over.

 

 

Yes, it was time to ditch that loser.  I hope you find health, real friends and worthy companionship.  I can't offer you a divine, reality-controlling genie to grant your wishes but I can offer you the encouragement to strike out on your own two feet and solve your own problems.  You are much stronger then God ever was.

 

Thanks mymistake! Yes, the 'abundant life' can make people wish for death. Pretty telling, hey! Now I am free of both my 'god' and husband I feel a great sense of relief that I am free from that prison and that I survived. It is scary being alone in this world but at the same time I am excited about having control of my life and am working hard to rebuild it. These experiences have battered me pretty hard so I feel very fragile right now; it is taking all my strength to just keep breathing and perform the basic daily tasks. It will be a long road to recovery but even this difficult time is miles ahead of the hell I have lived through. Christianity continues to shock and surprise me as to how far its tentacles reach and the damage done. 

[wanderinstar]

Forgive me for ranting on everyone but I feel I really need to and I know no one IRL who would understand in the slightest. To be brutally honest, I am experiencing a MASSIVE amount of rage and violation. Mostly I am angry at myself for allowing people to bully/control me all my life but it is the rage that stems from the violation that causes me the most distress. To be fucked over by people, 'god' and an institution that all promised to love and protect me has really messed with my ability to feel safe around ANYONE and I do not trust my own judgement as I trusted those who hurt me. With this amount of intense, explosive, emotion I can see why some people 'go postal' although, do not fear, I am not about to head to a church leaders meeting heavily armed. In fact I mostly have compassion for those still trapped in religion (outside the sex criminals) so do not wish harm on any of them. However this leaves me with a lot of rage and no-one but myself to punch. 

 

I'm shocked at myself, at religion and people in general. I am trying to avoid hardening my heart to survive in this world as I am a naturally caring, giving person who enjoys being close to people(when I am not being fucked over). The problem is that my heart is truly broken by all that has happened to me. Don't get me wrong, I want to live and to make a life for myself; I guess I am not sure how to do that when I am terrified of people and have lost trust in myself. For now I am focusing on keeping my physical and mental health stable while beginning to branch out and prepare for all the social interaction at University. After being incredibly isolated and unwell for three years it is a BIG step forwards; but I am TERRIFIED that people are going to be really nice to me then screw me over.

 

Is this rational? Is the world really simply, dog eat dog or is there cause to hope for genuinely positive interactions and friendships??

 

Thanks for reading my rant....sorry, I am having a tough week.

[thebatman]

Forgive me for ranting on everyone but I feel I really need to and I know no one IRL who would understand in the slightest. To be brutally honest, I am experiencing a MASSIVE amount of rage and violation. Mostly I am angry at myself for allowing people to bully/control me all my life but it is the rage that stems from the violation that causes me the most distress. To be fucked over by people, 'god' and an institution that all promised to love and protect me has really messed with my ability to feel safe around ANYONE and I do not trust my own judgement as I trusted those who hurt me. With this amount of intense, explosive, emotion I can see why some people 'go postal' although, do not fear, I am not about to head to a church leaders meeting heavily armed. In fact I mostly have compassion for those still trapped in religion (outside the sex criminals) so do not wish harm on any of them. However this leaves me with a lot of rage and no-one but myself to punch. 

 

I'm shocked at myself, at religion and people in general. I am trying to avoid hardening my heart to survive in this world as I am a naturally caring, giving person who enjoys being close to people(when I am not being fucked over). The problem is that my heart is truly broken by all that has happened to me. Don't get me wrong, I want to live and to make a life for myself; I guess I am not sure how to do that when I am terrified of people and have lost trust in myself. For now I am focusing on keeping my physical and mental health stable while beginning to branch out and prepare for all the social interaction at University. After being incredibly isolated and unwell for three years it is a BIG step forwards; but I am TERRIFIED that people are going to be really nice to me then screw me over.

 

Is this rational? Is the world really simply, dog eat dog or is there cause to hope for genuinely positive interactions and friendships??

 

Thanks for reading my rant....sorry, I am having a tough week.

 

It is ok to rant, that is why we are here to support each other. I understand what it is to be exploited as I myself was part of the Christian cult and was chewed up and spat out like so many. However I was only in it for 5 years, what you have gone through is much more traumatic. You must be a very strong woman that's all I can say. 

 

As for your question whether the world is simply dog eat dog. From what I have gathered in my 24 years of life, yes it is. It is harder for good-natured people to accept this though, because after all honest people expect the same level of honesty from everyone else. Honest people like us are especially vulnerable because of our naivety and child-like innocence. Usually it is too late before we realize the ugly truth about most people. Anyway I am not a cynic or even bitter, I am past that stage. I have simply accepted the ugly truth that human beings are inherently selfish and will always always always betray one another for their own benefit. I suppose this is how evolution has designed us, survival of the fittest after all. 

[wanderinstar]

Thanks Batman. I will probably calm down soon, accept reality and try to get on with it. Just fed up with being fucked over by religion and people in general at the moment and really need to vent

[Blue elephant]

Hi wanderinstar

 

I hope you enjoy uni.  I have friends who emerged from abusive marriages and then went to uni for a few years.  They did indeed find it was an experience that gave them the opportunity to meet new friends and generally just gather together the tools for a new life.  Check out all the clubs and societies.

 

What uni are you going to and what are you going to study?  My BA was from Macquarie Uni.

[wanderinstar]

Thanks, Blue Elephant. I'm doing a Bachelor of Creative Industries (fancy name for mix of BA and Bach Communications) majoring in Photomedia. This will train me as a photographer, journalist and writer. This is at Edith Cowen University on the same campus as the WA Academy of Performing Arts (if you have heard of that). 

 

Maquarie Uni is where my text books are posted from. The base for the online bookstore must be there. What did you major in?

[♦ ficino ♦]

 

Forgive me for ranting on everyone but I feel I really need to and I know no one IRL who would understand in the slightest. To be brutally honest, I am experiencing a MASSIVE amount of rage and violation. Mostly I am angry at myself for allowing people to bully/control me all my life but it is the rage that stems from the violation that causes me the most distress. To be fucked over by people, 'god' and an institution that all promised to love and protect me has really messed with my ability to feel safe around ANYONE and I do not trust my own judgement as I trusted those who hurt me. With this amount of intense, explosive, emotion I can see why some people 'go postal' although, do not fear, I am not about to head to a church leaders meeting heavily armed. In fact I mostly have compassion for those still trapped in religion (outside the sex criminals) so do not wish harm on any of them. However this leaves me with a lot of rage and no-one but myself to punch. 

 

I'm shocked at myself, at religion and people in general. I am trying to avoid hardening my heart to survive in this world as I am a naturally caring, giving person who enjoys being close to people(when I am not being fucked over). The problem is that my heart is truly broken by all that has happened to me. Don't get me wrong, I want to live and to make a life for myself; I guess I am not sure how to do that when I am terrified of people and have lost trust in myself. For now I am focusing on keeping my physical and mental health stable while beginning to branch out and prepare for all the social interaction at University. After being incredibly isolated and unwell for three years it is a BIG step forwards; but I am TERRIFIED that people are going to be really nice to me then screw me over.

 

Is this rational? Is the world really simply, dog eat dog or is there cause to hope for genuinely positive interactions and friendships??

 

Thanks for reading my rant....sorry, I am having a tough week.

 

It is ok to rant, that is why we are here to support each other. I understand what it is to be exploited as I myself was part of the Christian cult and was chewed up and spat out like so many. However I was only in it for 5 years, what you have gone through is much more traumatic. You must be a very strong woman that's all I can say. 

 

As for your question whether the world is simply dog eat dog. From what I have gathered in my 24 years of life, yes it is. It is harder for good-natured people to accept this though, because after all honest people expect the same level of honesty from everyone else. Honest people like us are especially vulnerable because of our naivety and child-like innocence. Usually it is too late before we realize the ugly truth about most people. Anyway I am not a cynic or even bitter, I am past that stage. I have simply accepted the ugly truth that human beings are inherently selfish and will always always always betray one another for their own benefit. I suppose this is how evolution has designed us, survival of the fittest after all. 

Hi Wanderinstar, I join the others in being glad that you are separated, getting treatment, going to uni - big and exciting steps!  I'll be 60 later this month, and thebatman, I have not seen people always betraying one.  I agree that people focus on their own interests, and that some start out nice and then turn on one.  Not everyone, though.  I am happy for the good friendships I have that have lasted for decades (sad for some that collapsed or just faded).  I think evolution has designed us to be empathetic and cooperative, too - that's part of being fittest.

[Pantophobia]

Forgive me for ranting on everyone but I feel I really need to and I know no one IRL who would understand in the slightest. To be brutally honest, I am experiencing a MASSIVE amount of rage and violation. Mostly I am angry at myself for allowing people to bully/control me all my life but it is the rage that stems from the violation that causes me the most distress. To be fucked over by people, 'god' and an institution that all promised to love and protect me has really messed with my ability to feel safe around ANYONE and I do not trust my own judgement as I trusted those who hurt me. With this amount of intense, explosive, emotion I can see why some people 'go postal' although, do not fear, I am not about to head to a church leaders meeting heavily armed. In fact I mostly have compassion for those still trapped in religion (outside the sex criminals) so do not wish harm on any of them. However this leaves me with a lot of rage and no-one but myself to punch. 

 

I'm shocked at myself, at religion and people in general. I am trying to avoid hardening my heart to survive in this world as I am a naturally caring, giving person who enjoys being close to people(when I am not being fucked over). The problem is that my heart is truly broken by all that has happened to me. Don't get me wrong, I want to live and to make a life for myself; I guess I am not sure how to do that when I am terrified of people and have lost trust in myself. For now I am focusing on keeping my physical and mental health stable while beginning to branch out and prepare for all the social interaction at University. After being incredibly isolated and unwell for three years it is a BIG step forwards; but I am TERRIFIED that people are going to be really nice to me then screw me over.

 

Is this rational? Is the world really simply, dog eat dog or is there cause to hope for genuinely positive interactions and friendships??

 

Thanks for reading my rant....sorry, I am having a tough week.

Also, don't underestimate how much having experienced sexual abuse will factor into this anger.

 

You have every right to be angry, especially after being told for decades that you didn't! 

[Positivist]

Ugh. Bad memories. I really feel for you! Marriage in fundy Christian circles is a real crapshoot. Not only is the pool of fish significantly reduced and excluding reasonable choices of mates, but we look for a bizarre and irrational set of characteristics and circumstances to confirm that this person represents God's Choice^TM. It truly is a form of insanity up there with water dowsing and card reading.

 

I lucked out, in that the guy I married is quite stable and 'grounded' and when my religious shit hit the rational fan, through an unfortunate set of circumstances in which god was utterly (and painfully) silent, my hubby took things down a notch and is now an agnostic. I cruised into home plate as an atheist, zooming right by the 3rd base of agnosticism. I have always been the nuttier one of the two of us and believed this shit into the n^th degree. My hubby has thankfully always lived in the real world, making both of our transitions easier.

 

Christianity almost made me insane. Honestly, it can do that. It broke my brain, shattered my dreams, and almost destroyed my life. The 'righter' you get it, the worse off you are.

 

All this to say, you are in the right place. I consider you as a sister in this journey of life. Keep us posted. We care!

[Akheia]

I'm really glad you got out of that situation. What a horrific nightmare.

 

I was married to a fundie preacher for five years, dated 3 before that. He was a narcissistic, abusive monster and I just didn't know any better. I thought God had told me to marry the lout, and I thought if I was just a good little wife, he'd become better somehow. Thank goodness I didn't let that crazy asshole talk me into kids or trick me into them with that pretend-vasectomy he claimed to have gotten! Ugh! I cringe to imagine how much of a nightmare that would have been. I ditched way before things could get as bad as your situation got--I left immediately after his abuse escalated to physical threats. I don't have any idea what my church thought of our breakup, though he claimed they'd been very mean to him for not keeping me in line well enough (I might have mentioned he was also a pathological liar, so I don't know if that's true or not). I really do think though that my denomination, the United Pentecostal Church, was horribly toxic to women because of its institutionalized sexism, demonstrated among many other ways by a firm stand on a married preacher having to have a properly obedient wife and children, so it wouldn't surprise me if he lost his preaching license at least. He ended up drifting to one of those weird fringe independent Baptist groups and still gives sermons and MRA seminars, and got remarried to one of these pastors' daughters the day after our divorce was finalized. It's weird that she sent me a wedding invitation--I felt like sending her a thank-you note for taking him off my hands as I'd already noticed that his stalking had dropped dramatically the last few weeks, but I was scared that might frighten her into dumping him.

[wanderinstar]

Pantophobia; you hit the nail on the head regarding my anger being related to the sexual abuse. Although I have good reason to be angry about more recent events I think the real power of my anger and sense of violation stems from the abuse I suffered as a child. It also brings an awful feeling of hopelessness that comes with being trapped with a perpetrator and finally realizing no rescuer is coming despite promises of protection and love. 

 

Positivist; I'm glad you found a good one! It is so true that the more passionately and sincerely you believe and follow christianity the more vulnerable you are to truly going insane. I never understood believers who didn't follow christ with all their being as I am also one who follows things to the nth degree. Now I realize its a personality thing. Pisses me off though as they could walk away relatively easily if they so chose without their whole brain falling apart as was the case for me.If you pour your heart and soul into your faith you are rewarded with emotional and mental instability. Now where is that in the bible??

 

Akheia; Sounds like you went through your own personal hell with your marriage. That's awful. UPC, hey. I hear that is an extremely controlling denomination, even more so than most of the other denominations, which is really saying something. This system of psychological control that religion establishes over people really needs to be dismantled as many people, especially women and children, are too vulnerable to protect themselves. My history of abuse was most likely the major reason I fell for christianity in the first place and definitely was behind me allowing myself to be controlled while in the religion. I am lucky to have escaped when I did and I could not have done it without my parents, two friends and the professional support I had access too. Sadly many people would not have this support available to them, which leaves them trapped. Hence my anger at christianity.

[Akheia]

I think you're on to something there. I also have a long history of abuse and mistreatment and I think that led me to the very fundie denom I ended up in because it was structured and very black/white and moralistic, which were all things I lacked completely growing up in dirt-poor poverty with an abusive alcoholic dad. There's something really compelling when one is so totally disenfranchised to get presented with the idea of an all-good, all-powerful, all-knowing god who loves you and cares about you so much he'd die for you, and who has a whole long list of rules that you can trust and follow no matter what and know where you stand at any and all times. That's an illusion that proved very difficult to break even though the first cracks appeared in it almost immediately after my conversion to it.

[MattFoley]

I know many christians have satisfying marriages but I am wondering if overall many people are being trapped in abusive marriages due to the restrictions placed on them by their faith? Does being christian actually create more destructive relationships or is this just going to happen whatever people believe?

 

I don't think that Christians marriages are much better or worse than secular marriages. It really depends on the couple.

 

I think that non-religious couples are a little quicker to pull the trigger on a marriage that is obviously doomed though. The fact that you stayed for 8 years and prayed daily for improvements on a marriage that was obviously doomed means that you obviously took your beliefs very seriously. But as you learned, prayer doesn't count for jack squat when you're trying to change someone with a personality disorder.

 

I was married to a BPD "reformed" party girl who had supposedly changed her ways. The marriage lasted for about 4 years and probably would have been shorter if not for my belief that marriage should last a lifetime. Now that it's over, I look back and wonder how I dealt with all the abuse I did.

 

My dad told me I'd regret getting a divorce, but he was wrong. Divorce was like a reprieve from a prison sentence. I have never felt so free.

[Pantophobia]

I think that's actually a valid point about most things Christian, MattFoley. We're told that everything is better with Christianity. Marriage, life, illness, children, friendships, we're told that the Christian version is far superior to the non-Christian version. And it's not true. Most of it is as hit-and-miss as anything in life. And often it can make things worse because we end up locked in an unhealthy mindset. 

[wanderinstar]

Sorry to hear you had to go through that MattFoley. It is a truly awful experience. You have Jesus Christ as your god but mention prayer doesn't work. I assume you are not a standard Christian but wonder how Jesus fits into your new beliefs? No pressure to answer, I am just curious.

[Kurari]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. 

 

It's exactly this sort of thing that broke my faith for good. Where the hell was God for you when you needed Him after you had been there and so devout to Him all that time? Even if that voice you heard was true and this guy was "The One" what kind of sick monster would hook you up with THAT? I get your ex was mentally ill and that wasn't his fault even though his behavior was horrid...and God wouldn't help him one iota either. 

 

I'm glad you're away from that man and safe now. You have every right to be angry and hurt by all that's happen. But we're here for you whenever you need us. And I hope that you have only a bright future ahead of you. 

[MattFoley]

Sorry to hear you had to go through that MattFoley. It is a truly awful experience. You have Jesus Christ as your god but mention prayer doesn't work. I assume you are not a standard Christian but wonder how Jesus fits into your new beliefs? No pressure to answer, I am just curious.

 

Fair question. I guess I'm searching. I'm still kind of hoping to catch "lightning in a bottle" and find some evidence that God is real, that prayer works, and that church makes a lick of difference.

 

Basically, I'm hanging onto my concept of God until I gather enough information to make a decision on what I really believe. Not sure if this is a cop out, but it's where I'm at.

 

What got me doubting in the first place is all the unanswered prayers and broken-down, older Christians I've witnessed who are just completely burned out on life. This doesn't line up with the "life change" that scripture promises.

 

On the other hand, I don't want to "throw out the baby with the bathwater" and reject Christianity outright at this point. I've read about Near-Death Experiences and that stuff makes me think that their is something else out there.

[Kurari]

 

Sorry to hear you had to go through that MattFoley. It is a truly awful experience. You have Jesus Christ as your god but mention prayer doesn't work. I assume you are not a standard Christian but wonder how Jesus fits into your new beliefs? No pressure to answer, I am just curious.

 

Fair question. I guess I'm searching. I'm still kind of hoping to catch "lightning in a bottle" and find some evidence that God is real, that prayer works, and that church makes a lick of difference.

 

Basically, I'm hanging onto my concept of God until I gather enough information to make a decision on what I really believe. Not sure if this is a cop out, but it's where I'm at.

 

What got me doubting in the first place is all the unanswered prayers and broken-down, older Christians I've witnessed who are just completely burned out on life. This doesn't line up with the "life change" that scripture promises.

 

On the other hand, I don't want to "throw out the baby with the bathwater" and reject Christianity outright at this point. I've read about Near-Death Experiences and that stuff makes me think that their is something else out there.

 

That's a fair and healthy position. I think most of us can relate to this. 

 

There was a thread here about an atheist member of ours a long while ago who had a Near-Death Experience after a heart attack, and he recounted his story for us. He didn't meet a god or get a sense there was one. He just felt whole and relaxed...and he said coming back was like going back to watch the rest of the most boring play you could imagine. 

 

I finally found it! 

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/51108-my-nde-as-a-response-to-a-couple-requests/

[MattFoley]

 

 

Sorry to hear you had to go through that MattFoley. It is a truly awful experience. You have Jesus Christ as your god but mention prayer doesn't work. I assume you are not a standard Christian but wonder how Jesus fits into your new beliefs? No pressure to answer, I am just curious.

 

Fair question. I guess I'm searching. I'm still kind of hoping to catch "lightning in a bottle" and find some evidence that God is real, that prayer works, and that church makes a lick of difference.

 

Basically, I'm hanging onto my concept of God until I gather enough information to make a decision on what I really believe. Not sure if this is a cop out, but it's where I'm at.

 

What got me doubting in the first place is all the unanswered prayers and broken-down, older Christians I've witnessed who are just completely burned out on life. This doesn't line up with the "life change" that scripture promises.

 

On the other hand, I don't want to "throw out the baby with the bathwater" and reject Christianity outright at this point. I've read about Near-Death Experiences and that stuff makes me think that their is something else out there.

 

That's a fair and healthy position. I think most of us can relate to this. 

 

There was a thread here about an atheist member of ours a long while ago who had a Near-Death Experience after a heart attack, and he recounted his story for us. He didn't meet a god or get a sense there was one. He just felt whole and relaxed...and he said coming back was like going back to watch the rest of the most boring play you could imagine. 

 

I finally found it! 

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/51108-my-nde-as-a-response-to-a-couple-requests/

 

Great stuff! Thank you! The Near-Death Experience stuff I have been reading has been really interesting as well.

 

http://www.nderf.org/NDERF/NDE_Archives/Exceptional%20Accounts.htm