Dear Mom, I Hate Your God!

[Denyoz]

While going through my old stuff, I found this email I wrote to my Mom nine years ago.  Holy shit, I can't believe I wrote this to her.  It was in reply to one of her letters to me in which she said:  "I wish you could be happy and have joy in your heart.  Let God love you, let Him give you all He wants; He only wants to give you Eternal Life!  Trust Him because He loves you infinitely... even more than I do."
 
I was so pissed, I wrote her back:
 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
 
May 7, 2004
 
Dear Mom,
 
If I am sad and depressed today, it's because I HAVE (really, honestly, like a child, the very best way I could) believed in Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the Christian God.  I know it's hard for you to believe, but nothing is more true than this, to me, today.
 
I repeat: If I am sad and depressed today, it's because I was gullible enough to really, honestly believed in the Holy-Spirit, in Jesus and in the Christian God.  I DID let God love me and give me all he wanted.  I did trust him and I did open myself completely to his infinite love.
 
Yes, at the beginning he was super nice, gentle and comforting, I fell in love with him and he made me totally dependent of him.  When he saw that I was really hooked on him, he started to shit in my face, to ignore me, to lie to me, to mock my faith, to take pleasure in making me suffer for no reason, to make me cry, to laugh at me, and when I was on the ground almost dead, he came and kicked me.  I ran away from him in order to survive, because I love myself.
 
Now, you are trying to tell me that this God wants to give me eternal life, and that happiness would be to spend eternity in his presence?  Do you also want me to go back to my psycho ex-wife while I'm at it?  Please!  It's the other way around: the farther I am from him, the more peace I have.  The thing that depresses me the most is to realize that I have wasted half of my life loving him, and to hear all of you bless his name continuously.  I believe that one day, this god will treat you the same way he treated me, and if he is uplifting your soul today, it's to better see you suffer the day he will let you fall.  This is his tactic.  He's a fake, a liar of the worse kind.
 
The only relief I get from reading your letter is to notice that you don't believe in him as much as I did, so maybe you are safe.  It seems like this god waits for his victims to be really attached to him before doing his "work".  So please, don't get too attached.  It's good that you are still attached to material things and that your faith is weak.  Keep it weak, stay like this and I think you'll be ok.
 
I know you cannot believe a word I'm saying because we don't often hear testimonies like mine.  This is because your church never speaks of genuine people like me.  You have been brainwashed to believe that it is OUR fault if we don't believe in God, that it was our choice not to believe, that God keeps giving his infinite love which we are too blinded to accept, that we just want to do our own will, that we reject God in order to devote our lives to greed and selfishness.  It's all false.  The world is full of people like me who have loved God, a God who didn't take care of us.  If you don't believe me, check out this website www.exchristian.org, it's full of amazing testimonies from REAL people.
 
The Christian God (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) has damaged thousands and millions of lives, and continues to do so every day.  I am profoundly saddened to see that you still participate in spreading this Jesus virus around you.

If you really love me, I ask only one thing of you.  Please, do not pray for me, and don't ever ask me again to go back to this evil god, telling me that if I refuse, that I will not inherit eternal life.  Your god does not want me to be happy, and I am sure that if he manages to suck me into his heaven, it will be to torture me again.  It's to my advantage to keep as far from him as possible.  Since I separated from him, I am not disappointed.  Maybe he loves YOU, but he does not love me.  If you want to pray for someone, pray for your other children who still believe in him.

If I am sad and depressed today, it's because I have really, honestly, like a child, the best way I could, believed in the Holy Spirit, in Jesus and in the Christian God.  Please believe me.

I love you mama, you are so innocent, and the last thing I want is to see this unpredictable god start treated you the way he treated me.

Deny  xxx

P.S.  I know there are beautiful things in my life and I am grateful, but this is not what I'm talking about here.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

That seems like a normal reaction, considering how your relationship with Bible god went. It seems in that relationship, you did more to make it work than Bible god did. If I was still a very recent deconvert and a Christian that I knew tried to tell me that, my reaction would probably have been very similar. I don't know if I would have used the exact same words, but most of what you wrote, are things I would have wanted to say. Recently, a Christian I did not know tried to tell me those things, after I had started debating, and my reaction was mostly, "Haha! You're funny!" even though I didn't say that.

[new2me]

About 10 years before I deconverted, I told God that we had to 'take a break' because I was just too angry and upset with him to continue our relationship.  Like you, I also discovered that the further I was from him, the more peace I had in my life.  I remember feeling very confused by that.  I was too afraid to let my brain take the next step... to realize that my experience was showing me that this 'relationship' I thought I had with God was not real.

 

Taking that break allowed the chains of Christianity to be significantly loosened in my life, and I eventually did start listening to my doubts, and to that inner voice of reason that finally told me that none of it makes any sense at all.  And now I'm free!

[LifeCycle]

Wow...  I can appreciate the passion.  I too, am that way.  This is a very emotional subject and it's not easy to come at it in the most non-offensive manner.

 

If I may ask, how are things with your mom now?  Are things settled?  Or is it an endless attempt to realign you with the faith?

[Denyoz]

Wow...  I can appreciate the passion.  I too, am that way.  This is a very emotional subject and it's not easy to come at it in the most non-offensive manner.

 

If I may ask, how are things with your mom now?  Are things settled?  Or is it an endless attempt to realign you with the faith?

 

Yeah, it would be difficult to write with the same passion today.  I became more accepting and compassionate with time.  Or just tired of hearing the same illogical catch phrases over and over.  If their god is that bad, then they will suffer the same thing given enough time.  Many die without ever knowing the truth and I'm not even sure this is a sad thing anymore.  If they want to adore this god for the rest of eternity, I respect their choice.  My mother looks really happy with her faith.

 

How are things with my Mom now?  Good question.  I wanted to add it at the end of the post, but forgot.

 

Surprisingly (or probably unsurprisingly), my Mom was 0% affected by my message.  She is not the type who will debate.  She still loves me and keeps sending me those "God is good and life is beautiful" messages.  When I get pissed, I reply, and she will reply with someting even more "beautiful". 

 

I think Christians get great pleasure from this.  They have to be the "light" of the world, so when they see a "dark" soul, they are more than happy to spew their stinky light on us and then watch us squirm.  They love us so much, don't they.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

 

Wow...  I can appreciate the passion.  I too, am that way.  This is a very emotional subject and it's not easy to come at it in the most non-offensive manner.

 

If I may ask, how are things with your mom now?  Are things settled?  Or is it an endless attempt to realign you with the faith?

 

Yeah, it would be difficult to write with the same passion today.  I became more accepting and compassionate with time.  Or just tired of hearing the same illogical catch phrases over and over.  If their god is that bad, then they will suffer the same thing given enough time.  Many die without ever knowing the truth and I'm not even sure this is a sad thing anymore.  If they want to adore this god for the rest of eternity, I respect their choice.  My mother looks really happy with her faith.

 

How are things with my Mom now?  Good question.  I wanted to add it at the end of the post, but forgot.

 

Surprisingly (or probably unsurprisingly), my Mom was 0% affected by my message.  She is not the type who will debate.  She still loves me and keeps sending me those "God is good and life is beautiful" messages.  When I get pissed, I reply, and she will reply with someting even more "beautiful". 

 

I think Christians get great pleasure from this.  They have to be the "light" of the world, so when they see a "dark" soul, they are more than happy to spew their stinky light on us and then watch us squirm.  They love us so much, don't they.

 

I don't know if I like their "light". It's not bright, so it doesn't help you see very good. As a matter of fact, the "light" of Christianity is like a sickly-yellow, dim light in the middle of a dark room, casting shadows of random objects all over the walls. You can see some things with it, but some of the more important items in the room are hidden in shadow and can not be seen.

[LifeCycle]

 

Wow...  I can appreciate the passion.  I too, am that way.  This is a very emotional subject and it's not easy to come at it in the most non-offensive manner.

 

If I may ask, how are things with your mom now?  Are things settled?  Or is it an endless attempt to realign you with the faith?

 

Yeah, it would be difficult to write with the same passion today.  I became more accepting and compassionate with time.  Or just tired of hearing the same illogical catch phrases over and over.  If their god is that bad, then they will suffer the same thing given enough time.  Many die without ever knowing the truth and I'm not even sure this is a sad thing anymore.  If they want to adore this god for the rest of eternity, I respect their choice.  My mother looks really happy with her faith.

 

How are things with my Mom now?  Good question.  I wanted to add it at the end of the post, but forgot.

 

Surprisingly (or probably unsurprisingly), my Mom was 0% affected by my message.  She is not the type who will debate.  She still loves me and keeps sending me those "God is good and life is beautiful" messages.  When I get pissed, I reply, and she will reply with someting even more "beautiful". 

 

I think Christians get great pleasure from this.  They have to be the "light" of the world, so when they see a "dark" soul, they are more than happy to spew their stinky light on us and then watch us squirm.  They love us so much, don't they.

Well, they monopolize the truth (in their opinion) so they're going a good deed. 

 

It really does suck though.  Thanks for telling me how it's going.  I haven't yet "come out" to my family. 

[TristanJay]

A very interesting letter, and one that connects with some of my own feelings for a while now.  Was the hate and distrust for God a metaphorical picture you were painting to convey your feelings, or were you still believing God exists but had proved himself untrustworthy?  Was that a transitional phase, and where did you end up?

 

I've been told that hatred of God is a transitional phase by an atheist.  The thing is, I hated God before I became a Christian, and struggled to not hate him for that period of time, but now I've returned to my natural, default state.

[Denyoz]

A very interesting letter, and one that connects with some of my own feelings for a while now.  Was the hate and distrust for God a metaphorical picture you were painting to convey your feelings, or were you still believing God exists but had proved himself untrustworthy?  Was that a transitional phase, and where did you end up?

 

I've been told that hatred of God is a transitional phase by an atheist.  The thing is, I hated God before I became a Christian, and struggled to not hate him for that period of time, but now I've returned to my natural, default state.

 

Thank you TristanJay,

 

Yeah, the anger at God is a transitional phase.  I was angry to realize that he didn't exist.  But when I thought back at what I had suffered while in this "relationship", I wanted to blame someone.  Better to hate him than myself.  And of course, when you talk to a Christian, you have better chances of having her listen to you if you talk as if God exists.  But they don't listen anyway, because you're not allowed to say anything bad about God.

 

I ended up like you, I guess, back in my natural, default state. 

[LoneTarus]

Thanks for posting this. I could have written most of this letter myself. it really goes into detail almost exactly how I feel about biblegod. I don't believe he exists but just the same I think the end result is exactly the same as an abusive husband would be. 

 

I haven't given up on things of a spiritual nature but I have realized that really a lot of things most organized religions worry about really don't matter in the grand scheme of things and I should choose my own path and live life as if there was no god and just try to be who I really am to the best of my ability (while dealing with my own personal demons instead of just praying that some external magical power just do it for me)

[TristanJay]

 

A very interesting letter, and one that connects with some of my own feelings for a while now.  Was the hate and distrust for God a metaphorical picture you were painting to convey your feelings, or were you still believing God exists but had proved himself untrustworthy?  Was that a transitional phase, and where did you end up?

 

I've been told that hatred of God is a transitional phase by an atheist.  The thing is, I hated God before I became a Christian, and struggled to not hate him for that period of time, but now I've returned to my natural, default state.

 

Thank you TristanJay,

 

Yeah, the anger at God is a transitional phase.  I was angry to realize that he didn't exist.  But when I thought back at what I had suffered while in this "relationship", I wanted to blame someone.  Better to hate him than myself.  And of course, when you talk to a Christian, you have better chances of having her listen to you if you talk as if God exists.  But they don't listen anyway, because you're not allowed to say anything bad about God.

 

I ended up like you, I guess, back in my natural, default state. 

 

I guess I was never able to throw off the sense that there is something wrong with either God or the nature of the universe.  These days, while I don't hate him with active fury, I've settled into a more contemptuous attitude.  So, more of a passive loathing.  Mocking him because I can come up with a better justice system than he could, that sort of thing.  Misotheism is my default state, I can't help it.

[Denyoz]

What was your mom's response to the email?

 

The response I got was from my father.  *gulp*

[Denyoz]

Here was my father's reply:

 

Dear Deny,

 

I read all the letters you sent to mom and to the other members of the family, and it is really clear: you say that you no longer believe in God, in Jesus and in the Holy Spirit.  You think like this because you continue to visit Internet sites where people testify that they were deceived by God.  We feed our minds and our thoughts with what we see and read.  Each one of us can cause a series of circumstances that will have either a positive or a negative effect on our physical and spiritual lives.

 

You say that you no longer believe in God, so you no longer believe in his Word.  So, who do you believe in?  In youself?  So, you can heal yourself?  Can you also heal your family?  Do you know when you will die?  If you can be comfortable in your own skin while believing only in yourself, it means you are self-sufficient.  As for myself, I could not live like this.  I feel small and weak and I need a higher power to help me.

 

All I want is for you to be happy and for your family to live in peace and joy.

 

I love you,

 

Dad

[DrNo]

Here was my father's reply:

 

Dear Deny,

 

I read all the letters you sent to mom and to the other members of the family, and it is really clear: you say that you no longer believe in God, in Jesus and in the Holy Spirit.  You think like this because you continue to visit Internet sites where people testify that they were deceived by God.  We feed our minds and our thoughts with what we see and read.  Each one of us can cause a series of circumstances that will have either a positive or a negative effect on our physical and spiritual lives.

 

You say that you no longer believe in God, so you no longer believe in his Word.  So, who do you believe in?  In youself?  So, you can heal yourself?  Can you also heal your family?  Do you know when you will die?  If you can be comfortable in your own skin while believing only in yourself, it means you are self-sufficient.  As for myself, I could not live like this.  I feel small and weak and I need a higher power to help me.

 

All I want is for you to be happy and for your family to live in peace and joy.

 

I love you,

 

Dad

 

And there it is.

[☆ pantheory ☆]

Mental Transmuter,

 

The Christian God (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) has damaged thousands and millions of lives, and continues to do so every day.  I am profoundly saddened to see that you still participate in spreading this Jesus virus around you.

 

 

I think a different perspective was/is needed for your own good. Your perspective and believe might have been better stated this way I believe:

 

Example to your mother Might have been:

 

The belief in religion has damaged thousands and even millions of lives, in my opinion, and continues to do so every day for a few of the following reasons: .....................................  I know you continue to believe in god and religion which is everyone's right. Realize that now I believe otherwise but please don't worry about me because I am much happier now, and hope because of my improved peace and happiness, that you can be happy for me too , love .........

 

The idea is that God could not do any bad to anyone if there is no such thing as god in the first place. Most religions teach happy living and good will toward men, "do unto others" etc. so these ideas are not the problem. The problem is how one believes and practices religion or philosophy. The old philosophical question is: "what is better, a religion or belief that is true, or one that makes you happy." There is no correct answer to this question.

 

My impression of your response to your mother is that somehow you believe that you were wronged by god, or by people like your mom asking you to believe in him. This is not the case. Your unhappiness comes from your past inability to put it all together into a positive system of belief of some kind, whereby their is no internal conflict involved. All philosophies or religions should promote happiness for the individual to be functional, in my opinion

 

Hope your present belief system is entirely peaceful, with a positive happy outlook in life

 

regards,  Forrest

[Denyoz]

Hell...Turn it around on him....ask him if he hates you the way you are.

 

All my life I felt like he hated me.  This message is actually one of the nicest things he said to me.  That was in May 2004.  He died 6 months later.

[kolaida]

 

 

Wow...  I can appreciate the passion.  I too, am that way.  This is a very emotional subject and it's not easy to come at it in the most non-offensive manner.

 

If I may ask, how are things with your mom now?  Are things settled?  Or is it an endless attempt to realign you with the faith?

 

Yeah, it would be difficult to write with the same passion today.  I became more accepting and compassionate with time.  Or just tired of hearing the same illogical catch phrases over and over.  If their god is that bad, then they will suffer the same thing given enough time.  Many die without ever knowing the truth and I'm not even sure this is a sad thing anymore.  If they want to adore this god for the rest of eternity, I respect their choice.  My mother looks really happy with her faith.

 

How are things with my Mom now?  Good question.  I wanted to add it at the end of the post, but forgot.

 

Surprisingly (or probably unsurprisingly), my Mom was 0% affected by my message.  She is not the type who will debate.  She still loves me and keeps sending me those "God is good and life is beautiful" messages.  When I get pissed, I reply, and she will reply with someting even more "beautiful". 

 

I think Christians get great pleasure from this.  They have to be the "light" of the world, so when they see a "dark" soul, they are more than happy to spew their stinky light on us and then watch us squirm.  They love us so much, don't they.

 

I don't know if I like their "light". It's not bright, so it doesn't help you see very good. As a matter of fact, the "light" of Christianity is like a sickly-yellow, dim light in the middle of a dark room, casting shadows of random objects all over the walls. You can see some things with it, but some of the more important items in the room are hidden in shadow and can not be seen.

 

Wow, that is an amazingly good analogy.  I don't think I've seen a better and more truthful description of Christianity.  

 

 

 

Hell...Turn it around on him....ask him if he hates you the way you are.

 

All my life I felt like he hated me.  This message is actually one of the nicest things he said to me.  That was in May 2004.  He died 6 months later.

 

That made me cry.  Maybe I really am too sensitive.  I'm so sorry to hear that- the letter he sent you did seem a very honest one.    

[Guest Pixie]

Denyoz, your letter touches my heart very much in many ways. I am sorry for the pain you experienced, especially with your dad. I hope you are at peace with this. I am visiting my mom next month and I have made my mind up to not say a word to her about how I feel. I admire and applaud the guts it took (although painful) to stay true to yourself. I am not there yet.

[Denyoz]

 

 

Hell...Turn it around on him....ask him if he hates you the way you are.

 

All my life I felt like he hated me.  This message is actually one of the nicest things he said to me.  That was in May 2004.  He died 6 months later.

 

 

That made me cry.  Maybe I really am too sensitive.  I'm so sorry to hear that- the letter he sent you did seem a very honest one.

 

Thank you kolaida,

 

Yes, what my dad said was very honest.  He did say he read my letters and he did send me a reply, so I am thankful for that.  He could have just ignored it, but he took the time to write, and this means something considering how much he hated writing.

 

I wasn't too happy that he said I think like this because I keep reading other people's testimonies, as if my own testimony was not enough.

 

In the next paragraph, he implies that believing in myself is dangerous.  He's probably thinking about the influence of the devil, that without the protection of God, relying on my own judgement would lead me to sinning, and eventually to hell.  I like the fact that he admits being small and weak, which is not like him.  He's being humble.  He was also sick at the time.

 

Finally he says all he wants is for me to be happy, and that he loves me, which is nice.

 

I sent him a long reply, telling him more about my own testimony, trying to make him see that my deconversion was based on my own experience, not on that of others.  I could post it but I would have to translate first, because it's all in French.

[kolaida]

Yeah, it's unfortunate that he thought it was because of you reading others extimonies.  But at least he reached out to you and even admitted he couldn't live like that. You obviously knew him and I didn't.  I had read that originally as him seeing you as being stronger and more capable than him. It is good that at least you did get one good honest note from him even if it didn't necessarily make all parties involved happy. 

[Pantophobia]

 

Here was my father's reply:

 

Dear Deny,

 

I read all the letters you sent to mom and to the other members of the family, and it is really clear: you say that you no longer believe in God, in Jesus and in the Holy Spirit.  You think like this because you continue to visit Internet sites where people testify that they were deceived by God.  We feed our minds and our thoughts with what we see and read.  Each one of us can cause a series of circumstances that will have either a positive or a negative effect on our physical and spiritual lives.

 

You say that you no longer believe in God, so you no longer believe in his Word.  So, who do you believe in?  In youself?  So, you can heal yourself?  Can you also heal your family?  Do you know when you will die?  If you can be comfortable in your own skin while believing only in yourself, it means you are self-sufficient.  As for myself, I could not live like this.  I feel small and weak and I need a higher power to help me.

 

All I want is for you to be happy and for your family to live in peace and joy.

 

I love you,

 

Dad

 

And there it is.

 

Yup. I wanted to jump up and down and point like I found Waldo when I read that. 

 

 

I don't know if I like their "light". It's not bright, so it doesn't help you see very good. As a matter of fact, the "light" of Christianity is like a sickly-yellow, dim light in the middle of a dark room, casting shadows of random objects all over the walls. You can see some things with it, but some of the more important items in the room are hidden in shadow and can not be seen.

 

And this, too. I need to copy this down. This describes my life as a Christian perfectly.

 

Denyoz, I'm so sorry your father died when you felt like he hated you. But another one of the lies of Christian rhetoric is the "honor your father and mother" stuff. Blood isn't always thicker than water. Parents aren't the default setting for love and acceptance. Father doesn't always know best. You are a valuable person, not hateable, not deserving of scorn or rejection because of your differing beliefs, no matter what your parents said.