So Confused And Angry...

[FreeThyMind]

Hello! This is my very first post here. 

 

I was raised in a Christian home, and I "knew" my whole life that God was real. I never questioned anything, and when I came across a contradiction, I found some way to explain or forget about it. I don't know why, but over the past year I slowly started thinking for myself and questioning everything. I decided I wasn't going to believe something just because it was taught to me as a child.

 

Now I feel completely lost. I don't know where I fit it, what I believe and who I can talk to without being judged. I told my family that I was going on this journey, and they just felt sad for me like this was something oh so horrible. I also have horrible anxiety, and I have always had an extreme fear of hell, even as a Christian. It seems like as soon as I start making progress, I 'relapse' and start thinking 'what if...?'

 

I hate this so much. I don't know who I am anymore since my whole 'reality' has been turned upside down.

 

[Galien]

Anyone with anxiety should steer well clear of christianity. It just exacerbates your problem and makes you much much worse. It is the fear they use to control you. There is no hell. Hell is living in the world with assholes.

[FreeThyMind]

I always had a hard time believing that a loving god would send anyone to hell anyway. It is just so hard to let go since I grew up in a Christian environment. 

[LifeCycle]

Galien is right.  Hell is a myth.  It's not even biblical.  It's (as well as the rest of the bible) is man-made to keep you loyal.  You've been indoctrinated.  It's why the bible teaches to "raise a child in the way that they should go and they will never depart from it."  Because many of the things we learn as children stick with us throughout our lives.

 

You're doing great with the questions.  Keep pressing.  Keep searching.  Be honest with yourself.  Don't ignore your own rationality.   

[Overcame Faith]

Hi, FreeThyMind.  Welcome to ExC.

 

First the good part of all this.  As you say, you have started thinking for yourself and questioning everything.  That is great.  As I am sure you know, there are so many people who never come anywhere close to reaching your level in questioning the dogma. 

 

Then comes the difficulty which you describe.  Please know that you are  not alone in your thoughts of feeling lost and, most especially, being judged by Christians.  When one steps outside of the dogma, it can seem like everything you ever believed and understood about life has also collapsed.  I remember that when I first left Christianity, I had to rethink many things like what is right and wrong and how could I know.  After a while, though, the world begins to make even better sense than Christianity ever could make it.

 

Your fear of hell is not uncommon, either.  I will never belittle such a fear because it can be extremely difficult.  For most people who fear hell shortly after leaving Christianity, time is the great healer.  So give yourself time and be patient.

[florduh]

Welcome!

 

You've been brainwashed, don't take that lightly. It's no wonder so many have anxiety once they discover the religion they grew accustomed to is a lie. And make no mistake, it is a lie.

 

You've found a good place to heal. Enjoy yourself here.

[mymistake]

Hello! This is my very first post here. 

 

I was raised in a Christian home, and I "knew" my whole life that God was real. I never questioned anything, and when I came across a contradiction, I found some way to explain or forget about it. I don't know why, but over the past year I slowly started thinking for myself and questioning everything. I decided I wasn't going to believe something just because it was taught to me as a child.

 

Now I feel completely lost. I don't know where I fit it, what I believe and who I can talk to without being judged. I told my family that I was going on this journey, and they just felt sad for me like this was something oh so horrible. I also have horrible anxiety, and I have always had an extreme fear of hell, even as a Christian. It seems like as soon as I start making progress, I 'relapse' and start thinking 'what if...?'

 

I hate this so much. I don't know who I am anymore since my whole 'reality' has been turned upside down.

 

Welcome to ex-C!

 

 

This fear you feel - Christianity did that to you.  It's Christianity's way of keeping it's members.  Pastors, preachers and all the rest made up all those horrible stories to tug on your emotions and keep you trapped.  Sorry to hear about your family.  Yeah many of us have that problem.  You can expect that people will inform you that you were never a Real True Christian.  That is what Christians say to protect their beliefs from reality.

 

But it isn't all bad.  You have the rest of your life ahead of you.  You can start working things out and live a free life.  You don't have to waste your time in boring church.

[owen652]

you have come to the right place for healing (and venting)

[Guest Hoseki]

I'm glad you found your way here. I did a while ago, but it was just recently that I started posting. I know the feelings you are going through and it felt like I was sitting in a deep, dark pit all alone. It's been years since I felt like I was in that pit, but I do get very lonely sometimes. I echo what the others have said,  welcome and make yourself at home. This place is a good one to see that you are indeed, not alone no matter how much it may feel so. One thing that helped me was to start with exploring the world and myself(mentally, spiritually and physically  ). By seeing there was so much beauty and that the world is not the scary, freaky and evil place I was told, it helped me find more of who I really am and not what I was supposed to be. Don't expect yourself to suddenly stop fearing overnight. I'm talking to myself here too, as I can be very impatient with my progress at times. You're going to have to slowly overwrite those old fears with good experiences  If you are daring, try testing some of those "promises of punishment" that you were taught. I mean, don't go out and drink/drive or hurt yourself. Give yourself a chance to try reading about other religions. Write out your feelings despite your fears. Say a bad word if you had trouble doing so. Tell that gawd that you are angry that he lied to you. Little by little you will began to see that you are not being watched by a harsh ruler who will strike you dead. Build your confidence. Also, if there were hobbies that you wanted to take up, try looking into those. I found that freely engaging in artistic and creative hobbies really helped me channel my fears. Take it slow, take your time and be patient with yourself. 

[Adrianime]

Hello,

 

I feel for you.  Let me just say that it is great that you are trying to make sense of things for yourself.  You are the one who has the ultimate say in how your perceive the world.  There is no reason to mold your perception to how others would like you to perceive.  Think of your religion just as you would think of nearly anything else in life.  Don't make it the exception to how you rationalize.

 

Another guy posted on here recently who is sifting through his religious thoughts.  My full response to you would be similar to my response to him.  If you are interested, it's a relatively short thread located here: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/55461-confusion-fear-and-trying-to-break-free/

 

Anyways keep searching.  Keep asking questions.  It's your mind, so you should never feel like you need to lie to yourself.  Try not to base your beliefs off of fear (whether it be fear of hell, or fear of a falling out from your family/friends). If you have any specific questions, I would be glad to talk about them with you! 

[par4dcourse]

Welcome to da joint.

 

As time passes and you look further into the absurdities of Christianity, hell will lose it's feared status. The most painful thing the goat herders that wrote the fables could experience was a severe burn (we now know that a Justin Beiber concert is far worse). The perfect threat was born: follow my religion or you'll burn forever. It reminds me of a child's vivid imaginings.

[Deva]

FreeThyMind: Yes, take your name to heart, and see that you are free.  Free to explore the whole range of human ideas without Bible God looking over your shoulder all the time.  Try it and you will see, you are not judged for thinking "bad" thoughts.

 

You might not be able to talk with people you know about this, but there are many here that will listen.

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

I feel bad that your family can't free their minds too. I am extremely familiar with the fear of Hell, even though I didn't experience that before having doubts of my own. But, the fear of Hell will fade away eventually, just like any wound will. It will just take time and as others have said, when life and/or your deconversion process gets rough, there will always be people here who will be willing to listen and try their best to help.

 

Every time I started thinking "What if I'm wrong and there is a Hell?" after my deconversion, I just redid all of the research I did before. I looked at all of the logical problems in the Bible, I went over the evidence that revealed that Christianity was all just man-made. Maybe this will help you too, I don't know, but it wouldn't hurt to try. Good luck making progress in your deconversion.

[RipVanWinkle]

FreeThyMind: Welcome. This is where you should be. I have been a member here for 5 months. I have been amazed by how many people are finding there way out of Xtianity and coming here.  Before I found this place, I really felt alone. I wondered where I could find a place where there are people like me who got tired of playing the Xtian game. The very fact that there are many agnostics, atheists and free thinkers here is a great help and they are very perceptive. You will like it here. Nobody will bite your head off for stating your opinion or asking tough questions. I think christians are their own worst enemies because when you honestly express your doubts about your faith they will, ultimately, attack you. They use different tactics, but it almost always ends up with their attacking you. If not, they look down on you and pity you. To me, that's even worse. Many begin by pretending to be soooo concerned for you. They want to straighten you out, because it has to be your fault. But they have no answers to your questions that holds water. Then they get frustrated and angry or condescending. It's always the same pattern. But their frustration, anger, pity and refusal to directly answer many of your questions shows them for who they really are: Misguided, indoctrinated people who at least subconsciously know their foundation is weak. That's why they get mad  or condescending when asked tough questions.

 

So welcome. I believe you will find answers to a lot of your questions here.      bill

[Lilith666]

Hey, welcome to our club. I hope we can help.

 

I went through that phase. Have you been going to church and reading the bible lately, for whatever reason? Try to avoid that during your first year or so as an ex-C. It tends to scare people who know Xianity is rubbish, but are still unconfident. Maybe you could read about why it's nonsense and talk to people who have been through this before. Then crack open a bible if you are feeling more sure of why you don't believe.

 

Keep on truckin'. Remind yourself of why you quit, and remember that this too shall pass. A couple of years ago I was in your place and thinking about suicide. It's not hunky dory yet, but I can hear about hell without panicking. You'll get there. And we are always available if you need to chat.

[FreeThyMind]

Thank you for the replies. It was quite frustrating not having anyone to talk with about all of this.

 

 

 

Galien is right.  Hell is a myth.  It's not even biblical.  It's (as well as the rest of the bible) is man-made to keep you loyal.  You've been indoctrinated.  It's why the bible teaches to "raise a child in the way that they should go and they will never depart from it."  Because many of the things we learn as children stick with us throughout our lives.

 

Yes, and it is horrible. Everything I was taught is always in the back of my mind no matter what I do. Even if I don't want to believe, it never goes away.

 

Your fear of hell is not uncommon, either.  I will never belittle such a fear because it can be extremely difficult.  For most people who fear hell shortly after leaving Christianity, time is the great healer.  So give yourself time and be patient.

 

I am trying, but I really feel I will never get over this. Since I already have horrible anxiety, it just makes it that much harder. I am going to keep trying, though.

 

Welcome!

 

You've found a good place to heal. Enjoy yourself here.

 

Thank you! I am glad I found this site. Everyone seems friendly and willing to help.

 

IYou're going to have to slowly overwrite those old fears with good experiences  If you are daring, try testing some of those "promises of punishment" that you were taught. I mean, don't go out and drink/drive or hurt yourself. Give yourself a chance to try reading about other religions. Write out your feelings despite your fears. Say a bad word if you had trouble doing so. Tell that gawd that you are angry that he lied to you. Little by little you will began to see that you are not being watched by a harsh ruler who will strike you dead. Build your confidence. Also, if there were hobbies that you wanted to take up, try looking into those. I found that freely engaging in artistic and creative hobbies really helped me channel my fears. Take it slow, take your time and be patient with yourself. 

 

Thanks for the advice. I have tried doing some of those things already. Actually, the other day, I started reading about Paganism just to learn something new. Being on the website made me feel uneasy, though. Slowly I am making progress. Thanks again!

 

Hello,

 

Another guy posted on here recently who is sifting through his religious thoughts.  My full response to you would be similar to my response to him.  If you are interested, it's a relatively short thread located here: http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/55461-confusion-fear-and-trying-to-break-free/

 

Thank you for the link. I read a little yesterday, and I intend to finish reading the rest today. I have had some of the same worries as him, so I find it interesting. 

 

 

[FreeThyMind]

Hey, welcome to our club. I hope we can help.

 

I went through that phase. Have you been going to church and reading the bible lately, for whatever reason? Try to avoid that during your first year or so as an ex-C. It tends to scare people who know Xianity is rubbish, but are still unconfident. Maybe you could read about why it's nonsense and talk to people who have been through this before. Then crack open a bible if you are feeling more sure of why you don't believe.

 

Keep on truckin'. Remind yourself of why you quit, and remember that this too shall pass. A couple of years ago I was in your place and thinking about suicide. It's not hunky dory yet, but I can hear about hell without panicking. You'll get there. And we are always available if you need to chat.

 

I quit attending church a while ago. I didn't think I needed church to have God in my life. Although, I have been reading some scripture. It seems whenever I read it, my fears come rushing back to me. Time to avoid it... Thank you for the advice and optimism.

[GuyfromtheUK]

It is very scary... I posted on the Christian theology forum a couple of days ago...

 

I'm just slowly working things out... I'm not sure what I believe either.

 

While I was baptised a Christian (Catholic) my family are not very strict at all, or follow the religion properly, or regularly attend Church (unless its a wedding etc) so it wasn't my family. It was just a few months ago, sometime in Autumn last year that I looked into it more after an evangelical scared me to death with stuff about hell, end times, book of Revelation etc... After looking into it I got serious with my faith... Now it hasn't lasted long my seriousness of faith but its caused me to have a miserable few months and I'm already programmed with fear!!!

 

Slowly trying to deprogram myself so I'm in a similar situation to you. On thing I've seen is hell is a pagan concept and Christinity although started in Judah (I think) the first places it spread to were Ancient Greece and Roman Empire - funnily enough 2 places where pagan mythologies of hell, Hades etc, monsters, beasts etc were widely believed before Christianity.

 

Now I haven't decided exactly what I believe but I m starting to think book of Revelation as it was written after Christianity spread probably borrowed pagan things, hell was probably added. Maybe all of it isn't real. I don't know. Of course I am still getting fears of Hell like you and end times but slowly working it out and just enjoying my life again. This forum seems like a good place to get support. I think we should come to our OWN decision by looking objectively but not based on fear. It's not healthy and fir me made me miserable the last few months!

[Adrianime]

Yes, only you can come to your own conclusions.  GuyFromTheUK and FreeThyMind, you two are at similar stages.  You can maybe learn from each other.  My simplest advice is...be honest with yourself.  Don't hide your own questions from yourselves.  Don't take crap cop-out explanations and just leave it at that.  Also, don't get pulled in by long-winded, wordy and assumption-filled arguments.  Actually most of all, just really make a point to realize when something is just an assumption and not a conclusion. 

[FreeThyMind]

It is very scary... I posted on the Christian theology forum a couple of days ago...

 

I'm just slowly working things out... I'm not sure what I believe either.

 

While I was baptised a Christian (Catholic) my family are not very strict at all, or follow the religion properly, or regularly attend Church (unless its a wedding etc) so it wasn't my family. It was just a few months ago, sometime in Autumn last year that I looked into it more after an evangelical scared me to death with stuff about hell, end times, book of Revelation etc... After looking into it I got serious with my faith... Now it hasn't lasted long my seriousness of faith but its caused me to have a miserable few months and I'm already programmed with fear!!!

 

Slowly trying to deprogram myself so I'm in a similar situation to you. On thing I've seen is hell is a pagan concept and Christinity although started in Judah (I think) the first places it spread to were Ancient Greece and Roman Empire - funnily enough 2 places where pagan mythologies of hell, Hades etc, monsters, beasts etc were widely believed before Christianity.

 

Now I haven't decided exactly what I believe but I m starting to think book of Revelation as it was written after Christianity spread probably borrowed pagan things, hell was probably added. Maybe all of it isn't real. I don't know. Of course I am still getting fears of Hell like you and end times but slowly working it out and just enjoying my life again. This forum seems like a good place to get support. I think we should come to our OWN decision by looking objectively but not based on fear. It's not healthy and fir me made me miserable the last few months!

 

I feel you. I used to watch videos on YouTube about the end times, satin and the Illuminati. Everything I saw was just fuel to the fire. After that, I started watching videos about Religious leaders and their NDE experiences of hell... (stupid me). All Christianity has done is make me feel inadequate. I was never good enough and always had to improve.

 

I am trying to find my own beliefs, but I find myself still basing everything upon fear. I hope this fades over time. 

[new2me]

Welcome FreeThyMind and GuyfromtheUK!

 

I highly recommend the YouTube videos by Evid3nc3 and prplfox.  I got a lot out of those series when I was first going through my deconversion.  The prplfox series shows his emotional stages of deconversion, and the Evid3nc3 series shows how the case for Christianity has nothing to stand on.  It also gives some good reading resources that you can use in your own study.  The more you understand the origins of Christianity, the more the myths fall apart.  Once you can see and really believe that it is all nonsense, the fear will loosen its hold on you.

 

Good luck!

[FreeThyMind]

Welcome FreeThyMind and GuyfromtheUK!

 

I highly recommend the YouTube videos by Evid3nc3 and prplfox.  I got a lot out of those series when I was first going through my deconversion.  The prplfox series shows his emotional stages of deconversion, and the Evid3nc3 series shows how the case for Christianity has nothing to stand on.  It also gives some good reading resources that you can use in your own study.  The more you understand the origins of Christianity, the more the myths fall apart.  Once you can see and really believe that it is all nonsense, the fear will loosen its hold on you.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you! I have watched both already, but I think it would do me some good to revisit them. Thanks for the welcome.

[FreeThyMind]

Yes, only you can come to your own conclusions.  GuyFromTheUK and FreeThyMind, you two are at similar stages.  You can maybe learn from each other.  My simplest advice is...be honest with yourself.  Don't hide your own questions from yourselves.  Don't take crap cop-out explanations and just leave it at that.  Also, don't get pulled in by long-winded, wordy and assumption-filled arguments.  Actually most of all, just really make a point to realize when something is just an assumption and not a conclusion. 

 

 

Thank you for the advice. I am trying hard to be myself and form my own beliefs, but I am still being guided by fear. I am trying to avoid everything Christian for now until I can figure out what I truly believe without any outside influences.

[Adrianime]

Do your best!  Nobody/nothing has all of the answers to all of the questions that come up in life.  If somebody/a group ever does claim to have all the answers, that's when you should be the most wary .

[GuyfromtheUK]

I feel you. I used to watch videos on YouTube about the end times, satin and the Illuminati. Everything I saw was just fuel to the fire. After that, I started watching videos about Religious leaders and their NDE experiences of hell... (stupid me). All Christianity has done is make me feel inadequate. I was never good enough and always had to improve.

 

I am trying to find my own beliefs, but I find myself still basing everything upon fear. I hope this fades over time. 

Yesssss.... You are right about feeding the fire with those videos and websites.

 

Those videos about the illuminati are really convincing. Especially the ones which show you the eye of Horus, pyramid, occult etc images in music videos of artists like Lady Gaga, Beyonce, Jay Z, Madonna, Michael Jackson (heck even Justin Bieber was a satanist on one of them!!! Who would have thought it!) but I've thought those artists probably do it for controversy as they know what these conspiracy theorists do and they obsess over it so they get a rise.

 

As for the videos of NDEs oh yeah I remember loads. There was one lady who was already a Christian who said she was taken to hell for 40 consecutive nights with Jesus to explore why people were there. The descriptions were so graphic I was having a panic attack (I like horror films etc but I was terrified with this video!) Also one video which was something like "Judgement day, are you ready" it has actors who bow before Jesus on the throne and he recites a commandment they broken. And they scream and say "oh it was only porn" or "I was a good person I prayed every day" and he says "I never knew you depart from me you who break Gods laws" - then shows them burning in hell! It says just believing isnt enough you have to OBEY!

 

Those videos really are what got me miserable - but I'm starting to laugh now at the control and fear they put in you to obey and believe. Although really it isn't funny what those fundamentalists do! Especially to kids! Imagine being a kid listening to that!

 

I guess it's our natural human thing to fear death and because we have been programmed to believe all this otherwise you burn forever it feeds our natural fear. But it shows if its out of fear it isn't such a "loving" religion really.