Healing The Split -- Anyone Experience This?

[R. S. Martin]

I'm bringing this over from the thread If You Lost Xian Friends http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/55577-if-you-lost-xian-friends/#entry844703 Sorry for the poor formatting. The cut-and-paste isn't working too well.

 

I wrote it for that thread because it seemed to answer the question: If you've been successful in staying friends with people you cared about, how did you overcome the differences your deconversion caused?

 

After writing it all out, I realized this is more about healing after
the split than it is about "staying friends."

 

 If you've been successful in staying
friends with people you cared about, how did you overcome the
differences your deconversion caused?

 

A few points:

 

1. I'm still "friends" with a lot of people in that they will be civil to me
when/if we meet. In my situation, where formal and informal shunning is
considered biblical, that is significant. However, it is also a
situation in which you seldom meet except in church-oriented situations,
making the opportunities to socialize almost non-existent now that I
"left the church." I could invite them to my house and I assume they'd
come if they were so inclined but it would be uncomfortable; they
"wouldn't know how to act" now that--in their view--R.S. "has changed so
much."

 

2. That is for the general population of

"friends." My family is a separate issue. It took them anywhere from two
to five years to feel okay with me. I deconverted in Aug. 2006. And
there's still stuff they won't share with me like they used to. But
they're no longer scolding me every time we meet. For the most part, I
can expect a pleasant afternoon together or a friendly conversation on
the telephone if contact is made. I continue to find the exceptions very
unsettling.

 

3. I didn't make my disagreements publicly
known until I had established a community or social network outside my
"faith" community. I had people I could call any time of day or night if
I needed support. I would probably not have survived without this
network, given that even so it almost cost my life. The people I
describe above in 2 & 3 are the people I was trying to get away from
because at the time they were extremely angry with my decisions, yet
today they are civil and with most of my family I can have a pleasant
social time once in a while.

 

4. The reason we are able
to be friends of sorts is that no one shunned anyone. For a time, I was
resolved to shun them if they refused to shun me. At the time, I wished
they would shun me so that the channels for uncharitable communication
were closed--that's how bad it was. Now that things have healed to this
degree, I don't regret having the occasional contact though I don't know
if the pain was worth it; I couldn't recommend it for anyone given that
the hostilities can make an already vulnerable person feel suicidal.

 

5. You ask: how did you overcome the differences your deconversion caused?

 

So far as I can see, to the extent that we have "overcome," it was my
family's desire to retain the family relationship that "overcame the
differences." I don't know, but it is also possible that they see their
continued relationship as a way to win me back for Christ. They all know
the futility of "convincing" me with words but possibly they trust
their love, such as it is. I personally did my best to cut them off, but
gave in when they started being nicer. Sometimes I think that's why
they changed; they realized they had no choice if they wanted me in the
family.

 

*****************

Have we any other stories on here about healing that occurred in relationships--siblings, parents, spouses, boy/girlfriend, children, other friends or relatives--after the deconversion dust settled? Or are all the splits final and life-long as in lasting more than several years? I realize many of our members are new deconverts but I know we do have a few older ones who are still posting, or people who deconverted decades ago and only just now found exC. Can we hear from you?

[moloko5]

Interesting topic.  My religious family members still doesn't accept me or my point of view.  They never will.  I think it's irrational to expect fundie Christians to ever actually accept you if you don't share their worldview no matter what your relationship.  The best I can do is simply ignore their criticisms and not share anything personal.  I came out as a closeted non-Christian way back in the late 90's.  I quit being Christian probably in the early 90's though it was gradual.  I see some of them every couple months or so, and they can be kind and I try to be caring, but the relationship is always distant.

 

I've had some good Christian friends over the years, and the key is always to simply ignore their religious talk.  I've found it easier to be friends with Christians that I've met since I quit going to church then members of the church in which I grew up.  Friends from high school, for example, that are still Christian seem to want to re-convert me every time I see them.  That does get annoying, though I know better than to engage them in argument.  I've never convinced anyone of anything regarding religion, so I learned to quit trying.

[R. S. Martin]

Thanks for sharing your experience, Moloko. I disagree that there is no possible basis for a genuine relationship with fundy Christians outside religion. Even fundy Christians have an interest in things like good food, cars, houses, survival in all its forms which includes jobs, health issues, and life and birth, i.e. family. Relationships inside families are so much more than Jesus talk--they are shared games and meals and family time, not to mention interest in the details of each other's lives such as girlfriends, babies, home acquisition, and work. People who care for each other are interested in these things in the lives of loved ones. If a family member deconverts, and they value that member's person, they will continue taking an interest in his/her life other than getting them back into the fold. Unfortunately, many fundies seem capable of focusing only on the lost religious commonality, especially at first. The rest falls by the wayside. Does it ever heal for some people?