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Goodbye Jesus

God - Use Your Imagination! - Part 2!


SquareOne

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Hey everyone.  I got some nice feedback for my last post like this - so I thought I'd go ahead and write another.

 

I imagine God speaking to Moses...

 

God: "Moses!  Mo-bot, my main man.  I've got a job for you."

 

Moses: "Of course, my Lord, what shall I do?"

 

God: "I want you to go to the Pharaoh in Egypt, and tell him to release the Israelites from slavery."

 

Moses: "What, me?... really?"

 

God: "Yes.  Not to much to ask is it?"

 

Moses: "Well, why would he care what I have to say?  I'm a nobody."

 

God: "Hmm... good point.  I know, I'll give you the power to perform a few magic tricks.  Turning your staff into a snake should convince him to free all the people."

 

Moses: "Why?"

 

God: "Because it's a shit-hot cool trick, that's why."

 

Moses: "He might need a bit more persuading than that."

 

God: "Fine, I'll terrorise him until he frees the Israelites."

 

Moses:  "Terrorise?  I don't quite like the sound of that.  ... what exactly did you have in mind?"

 

God: "Well... let's see, hmm.  Well first I'll turn all the water in Egypt into blood.  That should convince him to let the Israelites go free."

 

Moses: "Turn all the water into blood!?  But what will anyone drink?  They'll all die.  Including the Israelites!"

 

God: "Fuck you!  That's my first plan."

 

Moses: "Will that work though?"

 

God: "Well, it might.  But if his magicians know how to do the same thing then he might not be that impressed.  Anyway, I've just decided that I'll make Pharaoh's heart hard so he doesn't listen to you anyway."

 

Moses: "... you're kidding me.  Then what's the point in me even trying?"

 

God: "Because I said so, that's why!"

 

Moses: "Ok... so after the stick-snake, and you turn all the water into blood, and that doesn't work - what then?"

 

God: "Well, I'm thinking of a series of plagues.  Frogs... gnats...flies... a plague against the livestock... festering boils, hailstones, locusts... and then I'll turn the sun off for a while."

 

Moses: "And will that work?"

 

God: "No, I'm going to harden Pharaoh's heart against you."

 

Moses: "Then what's the fucking point of it all!?"

 

God: "You are tetchy, aren't you."

 

Moses: "... sorry, sir."

 

God: "That's better."

 

Moses: "Look, I can understand you wanting to bitchslap Pharaoh around, because he's been a total jackass to the Israelites.  Maybe he has it coming!  But these plagues are going to cause suffering for all the regular Egyptians who aren't to blame for his actions.  What about the women and children and babies."

 

God: "Relax, it'll be over eventually.  In the end, I'll kill all the firstborn sons of Egypt, and then Pharaoh will let the Isaelites go."

 

Moses: "That's pretty cold-blooded."

 

God: "Don't worry though!  I won't hurt the Israelites.  Well.  As long as they smear lambs' blood on their door-frames."

 

Moses: "Lambs blood??  Why??"

 

God: "Oh, it's symbolism... I've got a plan I'm working on for like fifteen hundred years from now.  My son's going to die, and be a lamb, and save everyone from their sins... It's all very complicated, you wouldn't understand."

 

Moses: "No shit."

 

God: "Look, are you going to go to Pharaoh, or should I find someone else?"

 

Moses: "No, no, I'll do it, I'll do it.  I just.  I have a few better ideas?"

 

God: "Hmm... go on."

 

Moses: "Well, why don't you just appear to Pharaoh in person, and tell him to let the Israelites go?  You know, put a bit of shock and awe in his face.  And if that doesn't work, just kill Pharaoh as a warning to all the other Egyptians.  I mean, he's the jackass, maybe you should kill him instead of all the other innocent Egyptians."

 

God: "Hmm... carry on..."

 

Moses: "Or even better!  Why don't you just tell the Israelites to drop their tools and walk away, and send angels to impede any Egyptians that try to stop them."

 

God: "It's a thought."

 

Moses: "Or just teleport all of the Israelites out of Egypt?  I mean, USE YOUR IMAGINATION!"

 

God: "Hmmm... well.  Those are interesting ideas.  But I like mine better.  I love a good plague."

 

Moses: "...uh-huh."

 

God: "Now, go on - go and see Pharaoh.  Don't forget your staff!"

 

Moses: "...yes, sir."

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God: Hey, Noah! How's it going?

 

Noah: God? God is talking to me?

 

God: Yeah, it's me. Hey, look, I kinda need you to drop whatever you're doing, and build a big-ass boat for me.

 

Noah: Really? I've never built a boat before, how do I —

 

God: Don't worry about it. I'll give you plans on how to do it.

 

Noah: But why am I building a big boat?

 

God: Because I'm pissed off at all of the humans in the world, so I'm going to flood it. I'm gonna drown the whole thing, except for your family.

 

Noah: Okay-y-y-y...

 

God: Well, you, your close family, and two of every species of unclean animal in the world, and seven of every clean species.

 

Noah: What do you mean by "clean" and "unclean" animals?

 

God: Oh! Ha-ha! I didn't tell you the difference yet, did I? There I go, getting ahead of myself again...

 

Noah: So you want me to build a giant boat...

 

God: Right.

 

Noah: And put some of every kind of animal from the entire world on it...

 

God: Yes.

 

Noah: And then you're going to drown everyone except my family in a giant flood?

 

God: Yup. Your close family. All of your brothers, sisters, cousins, and so on are fucked. They're up shit creek without a paddle, I'm sorry to say. Nope, it's just your wife, your sons, and their wives going on this trip.

 

Noah: But...

 

God: What's the matter?

 

Noah: It just seems kind of extreme, doesn't it?

 

God: What do you mean?

 

Noah: Why can't you just tell everyone to be good? Have you tried that?

 

God: No! Everyone is pissing me off but your family.

 

Noah: What about babies? How can they know they're doing anything wrong?

 

God: Nope. They're fish food. Sorry.

 

Noah: But why kill all of the animals except what's going on the boat? What did all of the animals do wrong?

 

God: They all have to go. That's it. That's final.

 

Noah: So why don't you just kill the people that have angered you? Why not just erase them from history? Why go through the trouble with the boat, and the flood, and the animals? God, USE YOUR IMAGINATION!

 

God: Because I like to think of myself as being "mysterious." I like to think that this plan is using my imagination!

 

Noah: But what about all of the plants? Aren't they going to die if they're all under water? What will we eat when it's all over? Do we have to bring every type of plant, too?

 

God: Jesus Christ, you ask a lot of questions, Noah! You know what your problem is? You think too much. Well, that and you're going to get really drunk one night and wind up fucking one of your sons...

 

Noah: WHAT!?

 

God: Oh, ha-ha! Nevermind. I keep forgetting that I can see the future, and you can't. Ahem! Anyway, you'd better get to work. There's a lot to do, and you've only got a couple of hundred years to do it. You'll need to find some gopherwood...

 

Noah: What the hell is gopherwood?

 

God: Don't worry, you'll know it when you see it. So here are the plans for the boat. Have you got something to write this down? Trying to memorize this and reciting it orally is gonna be a bitch, and I think it might cause trouble later.

 

Noah: Okay...

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Yes! Job! Thanks, these are hilarious. Looking forward to Part 3.

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DarkMatter2525 has already done a far better job of Job than I could ever hope to produce.  In fairness, these little skits are inspired by his style of conversation between God and Jeffrey.  I cannot recommend him highly enough!

 

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In fairness, these little skits are inspired by his style of conversation between God and Jeffrey.  I cannot recommend him highly enough!

You know, it's funny you mentioned that, because as I read through those scenario transcripts, the God voice in my head sounded exactly like Dark Matter's, and Moses and Noah kept sounding like Jeffrey.  Now I know why...

 

Funny stuff!

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I love DarkMatter2525 now! Thanks for the rec, SquareOne! I have always though the book of Job was disturbing.  I could never get it until a pastor said it was probably an allegory (more justifications).  But, really, Job is just an awful book. Love these imagination things guys, keep them up! 

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Bill Cosby beat you to it with Noah. But that was funnier than his bit, actually.

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Yeah I didn't do the Noah bit... Ok.

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