I've Been Telling Friends

[SquareOne]

I've made some progress telling my friends about my deconversion.  I've told three of my four closest Christian friends, and just got one remaining (the most difficult).  It's been really quite sad.  Whilst I am not sad to be shot of Christianity, I am sad to lose a certain shared experience, that makes me feel fundamentally different to those friends, even though I am sure they will remain friends.

 

It's sort of like breaking up with someone.  Over, and over, and over.

 

I know that this sense of loss will pass in time, but right now it feels sort of like a bereavement.

 

My mood has been quite dark lately, and I don't like myself for it very much.

 

I will get through it, I'm sure.

 

I'd be grateful to know if any of you can relate.  I'm not looking for advice or anything, just confirmation that I'm not the only one that has felt like this...

[DrNo]

I can definitely relate. I am apprehensive about seeing old Christian friends because I'm sure questions about the faith will come up and I don't know how most will react. I've told some of my close friends. The closest ones where we had a lot of other stuff in common seem to be sticking around. Others...not so much.

 

Even with my wife it's hard. This past Sunday was the first one I did not go to church with the family. She did not give me a hard time or anything, but it was hard to not be all together as a family, having that shared experience.

 

All this will pass, but we need to plug in with other groups of people with other common interests.

[wanderinstar]

This was one of the toughest parts of my deconversion although I have still not shared with everyone yet. The deep grief I felt (and still feel though to a lesser degree) when I suddenly became an outsider to the worldwide community I used to belong to was truly awful. As a traveler I have made close friends in several countries and knew that wherever I went I could hook into a community. I visited the L'Abri communities (started by Francis Schaffer) in England, Switzerland and the USA and loved my time there and now grieve I no longer belong.

 

With my friends at home for some it was the end of our friendship as either we had little else in common or they could no longer see me as an equal, I was just a sinner who needed to be saved. The one close friend I still have is a very special human being who accepts me as I am and although I know she hopes I return to the faith she respects me enough to leave that subject alone. We have so much else in common it has not affected our friendship. I do really miss the sense of belonging I had and still feel lonely. Having recently also separated from my husband I can say that losing that connection with your friends and the christian community at large really does feel like a break-up. What makes it even more difficult is when those same people interpret your sadness as a sign that you are reaping the consequences of 'rejecting' god. Even my good close friend said, "How can you be so upset if you know god doesn't exist?" As if I am supposed to go from being a strong, passionate believer to knowing I was believing a myth all that time and now don't belong to a community without a grieving process. Guess she has to believe I am wrong or her whole house of cards come falling down too. 

[pandora]

I can definitely relate.   I lost my best friend of 8 years (which was a long time considering I was only 22) after telling her I was doubting the faith.   She even demoted me as Maid of Honor at her wedding.   She decided I'd be a bad influence on her.   Since I was instrumental at getting her out of cultish church, I suspect she feared my newfound enlightenment would rub off on her and she was scared.  It was very painful, just as painful as any breakup with a man I've been through.   I cried real tears over it.   I still mourn her loss today, but when I see her crazy fb posts, I am reminded we truly don't have anything in common anymore.  You will find new friends, better friends who don't judge your worth as a friend on your beliefs.  Hopefully, you are able to keep most of your Christian friends even after your public revelation.

[user_0168486295]

Looking back, I wish I had said nothing, and rather waited until people came to me.  But that's just me.  Having said that, I think telling people is a good thing, and helps the process of deconverting.  Plus we should not have to be silent!

[SquareOne]

Thanks for your comments guys, glad to know I'm not alone.

 

Paradox, I think that would have driven me crazy!  I had to start telling people because it was eating me up not being able to openly live in accordance with my beliefs, having to bite my tongue.  Also, I didn't want to be dishonest to people, and have them later think I've been a massive fraud for ages...  What compelled you to tell people?

[user_0168486295]

A desire to be honest is really what compelled me.  I didn't want to hide anything, which it felt I was.  But after I told people, some were asking me why I needed to say anything at all, insisting I had some kind of an ulterior motive.  I suppose a hidden motive might have been a desire to be true to myself, as well as to them.  Now, I tell no one unless they ask me "why aren't you in church anymore?"  However, telling people initially was the stepping stone needed to get to the place where I am now.  Now, after having seemingly contradicted myself half a dozen times, I need to eat!  lol

[kolaida]

I guess I'm "lucky" in the sense that I already have good friends that are atheists, I'm not living around much family, and none of my current friends I met a church.  I haven't called up my parents or family members just to announce it to them. Thought about it, but we hardly talk at all. Granted, I'd be willing to bet, they'd all be calling me a LOT more often and praying for me fervently.  

 

I've thought about making some huge announcement on facebook, but that's okay.  As a Christian, I tired of defending my beliefs.  As an atheist, I have noticed most of my facebook friends ARE Christian and I don't feel any need or obligation to defend my new beliefs to them; I have no worries about them burning in Hell, though I do think they are unnecessarily depending on God to "show" them things and waiting on him for things.  But I am too tired. Maybe after a year (and some anti-anxiety medicines), I will be more vocal. 

[Akheia]

You're not alone. This is one of the hardest things to do - to tell your former group that you're not in the group anymore. Humans are herd animals and we don't like to get separated from our group; these truths have kept Christianity chugging along for centuries. It's okay to feel sad and a little nervous as you disentangle. Good luck