pandora Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 How many of you deal with this? My fiance is, and always has been, an atheist. He has been to church services less than a handful of times, and that was for holidays with extended family. Sometimes, I reminisce about my Christian days (in that weird twisted way we all do once in a while, like watching a Carmen video or listening to Jars of Clay). He gives me this look like I am from another planet. He doesn't get a lot of the Christian jokes or shit people post on facebook (for or against Christianity) and he doesn't find Godstuff nearly as entertaining as I do. He will never understand religion or the draw it had for many of us. Sometimes it makes me sad, but it really should make me happy he never went through the mindfuck we suffered. It makes me want to drag him to a "cool" church and help him see what I saw in it. In fact, I almost took him to a church a month or so ago, but decided I'd rather sleep in. In a way, it makes me feel like there is some level we can't connect on... like there is a part of me he will never understand. It isn't a big deal, it just gets me pensive once in a while. He has no desire to "understand." Which is fine, it doesn't keep me up at night and we have a wonderful relationship overall. I just want him to know what those emotions felt like... why we were duped... why we went through so much turmoil and pain. Anyone else feel this way once in a while? 1
Akheia Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Sometimes. And it doesn't have to be an ex-C with an atheist to get there. My husband, who is a pagan like me, has never been in the more toxic end of the fundagelical cults; his mom's a delightful lady who might be a diehard progressive-type, but has never forced her religion on her family (atheist husband, and two boys who stopped going to church the very day the parents decided not to force them to go). I've been to her church and it's pretty mild and non-denominational; I'd have called it "lukewarm" way back in the day. If you've ever seen "Family Guy," the pastor is exactly, totally exactly, like the lady pastor on that show. So sometimes when I talk about the stuff I saw, did, and underwent as a fundie, he has no clue how to relate to it. Same for the Catholicism I grew up in; it's a bit closer to his own experience so he can relate to it better, but my mom's extended family are totally gung-ho crazy crazy crazy Catholics so the depth of the involvement is hard to convey and discuss. Religion's just not as interesting to him as it is to me, especially with regard to my desire to deconstruct and unpack those experiences. But that's just fine; I've got you guys to talk about it with <3 <3 <3 1
Gamecock1973 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Carman! Wow! I haven't even thought about him in years! He is just about the height of xtian cheesiness! fantastic! hehe
Bhim Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I guess my experience is more like Akheia's. My girlfriend is born and raised Hindu, like myself. Unlike me she didn't take a detour through Christianity. And personally I'm glad she never did. For all the insight I have about Christianity from being an evangelical, the only good life lesson I came away with is "don't convert to Christianity." It's a hard-learned lesson and not worth the years I wasted on that faith, in my opinion.
mymistake Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 How many of you deal with this? My fiance is, and always has been, an atheist. He has been to church services less than a handful of times, and that was for holidays with extended family. Sometimes, I reminisce about my Christian days (in that weird twisted way we all do once in a while, like watching a Carmen video or listening to Jars of Clay). He gives me this look like I am from another planet. He doesn't get a lot of the Christian jokes or shit people post on facebook (for or against Christianity) and he doesn't find Godstuff nearly as entertaining as I do. He will never understand religion or the draw it had for many of us. Sometimes it makes me sad, but it really should make me happy he never went through the mindfuck we suffered. It makes me want to drag him to a "cool" church and help him see what I saw in it. In fact, I almost took him to a church a month or so ago, but decided I'd rather sleep in. In a way, it makes me feel like there is some level we can't connect on... like there is a part of me he will never understand. It isn't a big deal, it just gets me pensive once in a while. He has no desire to "understand." Which is fine, it doesn't keep me up at night and we have a wonderful relationship overall. I just want him to know what those emotions felt like... why we were duped... why we went through so much turmoil and pain. Anyone else feel this way once in a while? Every couple has some level where they can't connect. That is just the way it is.
Akheia Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 ZOMG Carman... I still sing that Lazarus song in the shower. He really is the very epitome of the Christian evangelical bubble. I still remember hearing church friends joking about how he went on the 700 Club and dissolved into weirdness right afterward. My husband gets confuzzled by why I'd sing Christian songs sometimes, but I wouldn't wish fundagelicalism on him even in the middle of the worst fight anybody could ever have. I'm kind of glad he's innocent of its abuses, that it hasn't personally touched him.
pandora Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 I wasn't a fundygelical, though... so I tend to view my old version of Christianity as not so harmful. It was a very emotional brand of Christianity very concerned with social justice. While a little more on the conservative side when it came to doctrine (literal resurrection, literal virgin birth, a few Creationists in my circles but not me, baptism required for salvation, etc...) otherwise it was pretty progressive. Abortion was considered a necessary evil, and homosexuals didn't need to repent unless they were promiscuous outside of committed relationships. The same sexual standards applied to gays as to everyone else. I think a part of me still thinks one had to be "broken" before God in remorse for his sins in order to truly feel humility, understand forgiveness, feel compassion, feel awe, etc.... Not that I consciously think never-Christians don't understand these concepts, but apparently a part of me thinks that because of my old beliefs I had a special understanding of it or something. I've been an ex-C for ten years now, and it is funny how little things like this come up every now and then to remind me that the undoing is never done.
pandora Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 Personally, I also refused to believe that God would send sincere followers of any religion to hell, and that evangelizing to the non-religious who had never heard the "Good News" was just a preparation for the odd chance that God really did want people to follow Jesus first and foremost. Many in my circles were more conservative on these points, however. I credit my tolerant and open-minded upbringing for my ability to be well, open-minded. 1
ClaraOlive Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Immediately after leaving Christianity, I would have told people that I couldn't imagine marrying someone without that background, because they wouldn't be able to entirely understand my life. I dated other ex-Christians for a while, and I found that having the same background doesn't always constitute understanding. The two main issues that I had were that both people were unstable and triggered in the same way, and that there was a high chance of residual Christian values surfacing. I really don't want to deal with anyone else's issues with leaving Christianity, because it's been hard enough to deal with my own. I've also had boyfriends who had an easier time leaving than I did, and were very dismissive of my hangups, in the way that some formerly fat people who lost a bunch of weight can be the ones who are most judgmental about other fat people. I also found that a lot of attitudes about women and women's roles were deeply ingrained in people who had grown up Christian, even if they outwardly tried to reject those things. And even if it wasn't that strong in them, they often had Christian families who were disapproving or judgmental about things, and I often felt we were acquiescing in different ways. But mostly, Christianity just faded out as a major part of my life. My main identity is not "ex-Christian" anymore. And my boyfriend's life would have been completely different from mine even if he'd been raised Christian, because he was born in another country and had an entirely different cultural upbringing.
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