Tragedy With A Friend

[Tzarza]

Hey friends, 

 

I was wondering if I could get some ideas about how to react to a recent tragedy. A friend of mine got married about a year ago, got pregnant, carried the baby full-term, and she lost her baby during labor this week. She's not a very close friend, but a happy relation. I don't know any details about it, other than that she and the baby were very healthy up until this happened. (This was her first pregnancy). 
 

I'm not her close friends and family, but what kind of gift might say, "take care of yourself, honey"? Is there anything that she and husband could both use right now? What kinds of things to people need when they're grieving?

 

I'm not sure how to order/mail a casserole, but that was one of my first thoughts. That, or some kind of self-indulging bath salts/creams. 

 

Thanks

[Guest MadameX]

Oh so sad. 

 

There is nothing anyone can do or say to make them feel better right now. Just be there for them. Any kind of gift or card to let them know you are thinking of them would be fine. I know when there is something overwhelming in my life,the last thing I have energy for is planning and shopping for and preparing meals - bring them a meal? Or a gift cert to a restaurant they would enjoy? Or to some kind of entertainment that would be a diversion.

[Guest Pixie]

Tzarza, I always give a gift certificate to go to the movies or out to dinner. Another idea is to give a certificate to a department store where she might be able to buy herself a new blouse or something. Flowers are always nice. Grieving is so terrible, it is hard to know what to do. Time is the only healer. This is a sad story, but you are a good friend to want to cheer her up. It's people like you that make the earth a nice place to live. Sometimes, I wish I still believed in prayer. I send you and the couple who lost the baby, well wishes.

[CelticWhisper]

Music might be a good call here.  Either something by a musician or group that you know your friend likes, or a gift certificate to Magnatune, or something else to that effect.

[mymistake]

I just tell people "sorry for your loss" because words can only do so much.  You can't bring the child back to life.  I consider it unethical to give the grieving false hope of an afterlife.  Dealing with death is an unfortunate thing we all go through.  It's very sad.

[Guest r3alchild]

Just be there to listen when she needs to talk about things. From there you will know what to do for her.

[VacuumFlux]

They likely need emotional support more than material, though the material is nice too. One thing I've seen is that sometimes, when someone looses a baby that early, other people expect them to get over it really fast, to sorta treat it like a miscarriage earlier in pregnancy. But it may not feel that way to the parents. If that's going on, be sure to validate their feelings of loss, give them time to grieve. One simple way to do that right now is, if they'd picked out a name for the baby, use that name in a sympathy card that you mail 'em (doesn't have to be anything more complicated than "I'm sorry for your loss of <name here>").

[Tzarza]

Thanks for the suggestions. 

I'm overseas, and we weren't all that close before I left, so I know that I'm not really in any position to offer emotional or temporal support. I also know that she has a huge network of familial and church support. But I do know that life doesn't stop when things like this happen, and I would like to show that I care about her, and support her even a little bit if I can. I like the ideas you all posted.

It really gets me though- they had the baby shower a month or two ago, and I know that she will have had the baby's things all set up just right, waiting for him to come home. I think I'm so shocked because I didn't realize that deaths during labor still happen. No one could have guessed. And without any prior concerns or health problems, I feel like the rug's been pulled out from under me. I can't imagine what she's going through.