Trust And Patience

[Margee]

I find the word and concept of trust and patience to be very perplexing. I wonder of I could have some opinions on how you all relate to this issue. When I first wrote my ‘Please Forgive Me’ letter in the testimonies section, I described my opinion on ‘trust’ as quoted:

 

''Trust is reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, of a person or thing; confidence. It is the confident expectation of hope that someone really cares for your well-being. It gives you confidence in the certainty of the future. It is a loving person on whom one relies. It is the condition of one, to whom something has been entrusted with, like custody or care. It is a commitment of love, and that love would not hurt you''. That is the type of trust I wanted to have in the christian god and he failed me.

 

Now that my eyes are opened and I am definitly an ex-christian, I am wondering if one can have 100% in any human being? We can be such failures at letting people down. I know most of us try very hard to be trustworthy people. But are we trustworthy as we say we are? I still let people down but I do have a good conscious about that and always feel bad. So I try to improve myself. I don't expect perfection from anyone, but what if someone continues to let you down time and time again?

 

When do you accept the fact that some might never be totally trustworthy? If a friend, lover, family member, spouse lets you down once, twice, three times, five times, ten times....when do you get to the point where you know this person is not good for you. How toxic does it have to be before you say goodbye to someone and won’t allow them in your life anymore?

 

Jesus says forgive 70 times 7. I’ve thrown that one out for sure, but I still am wondering how you guys work this concept and issue of ‘trust’? I feel when I tell someone 10 times about how I don’t like a certain action and they still continue to do it - I get very disgusted. (if I can use that word) I love it so much when people really listen to what you like and don’t like and then they respect those things about you.

 

How patient are we expected to be as humans with others?

[Galien]

Only we can decide that Margee. This world does everything it can to harden us, I prefer not to let it. Having said that though I have discovered that I can no longer trust people the way I used to. People always let me down. I try not to let it destroy me inside but it does. I have always been very forgiving but I have finally hit my limit.

 

If a person doesn't listen when I ask them to stop treating me a certain way, I just stay away from them. I am of course talking about serious things here, not small annoyances. Currently I am estranged from my daughter because she will not stop bahaving abusively toward me. I hate that things are like this, but she will not stop being horrid. I have put up with more than enough of other people's bullshit in my life, and I refuse to tolerate any more.

[Margee]

I think the only difference between us Galien is that once I decide to slowly move someone out of my life, I am not sorry about it. I do not let it destroy me anymore. It's making the decision that I've, 'had it'. That is what perplexes me. Knowing when to 'let go'?

 

I also am estrangend from 'my boy' right now. I can't be around him (only for a short time) because he makes me crazy. I am so saddened that it has to be this way with him. I just try to call him once a week to let him know I care. He has far too many anger issues that he won't get help for and I personally can't deal with his anger.

[Deva]

I see it as a lack of respect if I ask someone to refrain from doing something and they keep doing it.  Things usually don't go too well from then on..

 

As far as trust goes, it is earned.  If I know someone for awhile and they appear to be trustworthy then I do trust them more and more.  But I don't automatically trust people.  I have been through too much for that. At best I will say that often I give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

[raoul]

I've been in a similar situation as what Galien just described to you but with me it was with my parents and step brother. I finally cut off all contact after years of agonizing about it and putting big guilt trips on myself. Once you're capable of doing such things like this for your own mental stability, it becomes easier to go forward. Yes, I also know what it's like to be totally shafted by people you thought you could trust - with me it was when I was in the private sector and even, at times, in the gov.sector as well. The backstabbing in both places was legend.

 

But through it all most, if not all of us develop that famous bullshit meter we've spoken about before on these forums. It's the intuitive sense we all have. It enables us to be able to realize after some experience whom we can really trust and whom we cannot. And believe me, there are people you can trust. Having a minor disagreement or two with these people does not in any way negate that trust.

 

I'll even go so far as to use YOU for my example (hope you don't mind). As I hope you know, I trust you implicitly without any qualms. I base my trust on the hundreds of notes I've read by you discussing various things with others as well as myself. I also base this trust on the way you welcomed me over here after I shared my experiences with deconversion, finally realizing I'm an atheist, and other things. A while ago a young xtian came along and played some mind games or at least tried to play their typical games with us. Many of us smelled a rat so to speak and pounced on her. You kept silent through most of the tirades but then couldn't take it any longer and pounced on us for our behavior regarding her. It kinda pissed me off because I thought you fell right into their imfamous 'sympathy' trap they like using or something like that. I also felt you were too harsh on people,not me but others you've known for a long time over her. Yeah, it pissed me off but did I say anything to you about it? Nope. I just backed off, thought about what you had written, and while still a little pissed, did it make me TRUST you any less? Nope! In fact, it probably strengthened my trust in you because I figured 'here goes someone who will be totally honest, even brutally honest, with me. Someone I can trust totally without hesitation'

 

Hope this has helped...

[Margee]

I've been in a similar situation as what Galien just described to you but with me it was with my parents and step brother. I finally cut off all contact after years of agonizing about it and putting big guilt trips on myself. Once you're capable of doing such things like this for your own mental stability, it becomes easier to go forward. Yes, I also know what it's like to be totally shafted by people you thought you could trust - with me it was when I was in the private sector and even, at times, in the gov.sector as well. The backstabbing in both places was legend.

 

But through it all most, if not all of us develop that famous bullshit meter we've spoken about before on these forums. It's the intuitive sense we all have. It enables us to be able to realize after some experience whom we can really trust and whom we cannot. And believe me, there are people you can trust. Having a minor disagreement or two with these people does not in any way negate that trust.

 

I'll even go so far as to use YOU for my example (hope you don't mind). As I hope you know, I trust you implicitly without any qualms. I base my trust on the hundreds of notes I've read by you discussing various things with others as well as myself. I also base this trust on the way you welcomed me over here after I shared my experiences with deconversion, finally realizing I'm an atheist, and other things. A while ago a young xtian came along and played some mind games or at least tried to play their typical games with us. Many of us smelled a rat so to speak and pounced on her. You kept silent through most of the tirades but then couldn't take it any longer and pounced on us for our behavior regarding her. It kinda pissed me off because I thought you fell right into their imfamous 'sympathy' trap they like using or something like that. I also felt you were too harsh on people,not me but others you've known for a long time over her. Yeah, it pissed me off but did I say anything to you about it? Nope. I just backed off, thought about what you had written, and while still a little pissed, did it make me TRUST you any less? Nope! In fact, it probably strengthened my trust in you because I figured 'here goes someone who will be totally honest, even brutally honest, with me. Someone I can trust totally without hesitation'

 

Hope this has helped...

 

raoul. ....thanks for being honest like that. I also felt bad about my 'tirade' for days. I'm not really known for kicking up too much fuss on Ex-c. I was caught between feeling sorry for that girl and thinking you guys were like wofves that day. I did get sucked in that day by that darlin' girl who kept writing me personally. I was mad and confused at the whole god damned world that day anyway. I took it out on the board. I love my friends on EX-c.. I am sorry you were disapointed by me. Hug!

 

You said something very profound in the first paragrauph....about' self preservation''...... That's good stuff!! 

Thanks my friend!

[TrueFreedom]

I cut my parents off for a time. They've shown more respect for my boundaries since I've let them back into my life. That may not have happened if I hadn't let them know how unhappy I was with their behavior and ignored them for a time.

[raoul]

I am sorry you were disapointed by me. Hug!

 

I wasn't disapointed at you. I was just pissed off - there is a BIG difference between the two. You see, my dear friend, you pissed me off in the same way that my beloved Kat (my wife) does at times. Get it now? LOL

[RipVanWinkle]

You guys who posted above are why I keep coming back. bill

[Galien]

I was annoyed by the pack mentality, but then I always am. I was treated exactly the same way in church and everytime I see it happen I lose my shit.