Stupidest Things You Heard In Church

[Lilith666]

ET and other aliens in movies are styled after demons so that when the real demons come, we'll all be used to them and will accept them.

 

What? He accused E.T. of secretly being a demon?

 

*head meets wall*

[Pantophobia]

I remember a similar thing with Star Wars and The Force. My pastor preached a sermon about The Force and likened it to the Holy Spirit and drew all sorts of positive parallels. Then the following week, at my religious school, someone preached a sermon about how Satanic the Star Wars movies were and The Force was clearly a type of demonic influence. 

[RenaissanceWoman]

[During a Lenten sermon, walking over to the praise band area and gesturing largely in our direction...]

 

"Satan loves to use gossip to divide the church, and he always starts with the creative people because they think differently than the rest of us. He can get in their brains and create all sorts of ideas. [More gesturing...] At every church I've ever preached at, the division has always started in the music ministry."

 

In my mind I was thinking, "Well maybe that's because some of us devote more than 20 hours (for free) every week to this ministry -- preparing, rehearsing, and performing the music. And all you ever do is ask for more, and ignore any ideas or concerns we have! When will we be good enough for you and for God?!"

 

Keep in mind, this was about a week after this pastor had told me to my face (in private, of course) that because I was (discreetly, mind you!) voicing a concern about unfair, politically-based mistreatment of some of us in the music ministry, "Satan is obviously using you as a wedge to divide the music ministry, and eventually the entire ministry as a whole."

 

So when he ranted on about Satan using the music ministry and the "creative people" (with large gesturing in our direction every time) for the next five sermons in a row (over the course of 4 weeks), I knew he was talking to me.

 

And I stayed there for another two years. Oh my.

[milesaway]

Here's one:

 

"Do whatever god tells you."

 

*shudder.* Talk about blatant manipulation! Two months later, i was through with them and through with religion altogether.

[new2me]

 

"Do whatever god tells you."

 

 Unfortunately, people like Andrea Yates heed this order.

[ContraBardus]

Here's one:

 

"Do whatever god tells you."

 

*shudder.* Talk about blatant manipulation! Two months later, i was through with them and through with religion altogether.

 

I dunno, this one doesn't seem all that bad. I think Christians would be much easier to tolerate if they all did absolutely nothing all the time.

[milesaway]

I dunno, this one doesn't seem all that bad. I think Christians would be much easier to tolerate if they all did absolutely nothing all the time.

 

For real. Doing absolutely nothing all the time shouldn't be that hard for 'em, a good chunk of them are already a bunch of do-nothing whiners to begin with.

 

I probably shoulda been a bit clearer, this was said on a Sunday where they were whining about how nobody wants a career in the church anymore, how the "young people" aren't interested, so on and so forth. It was a guilt trip, that's why i said it was manipulation.

[emshi21]

I cant remember if this was actually in church or just what my youth leader told me, but I was told, completely straight faced, that the school carol service, which I participated in every year, was blasphemy because it involved allowing atheists to sing carols and other religious songs. Bearing in mind that the carol service was one of the highlights of my year as a music student.

 

I ignored her of course!

[RenaissanceWoman]

I cant remember if this was actually in church or just what my youth leader told me, but I was told, completely straight faced, that the school carol service, which I participated in every year, was blasphemy because it involved allowing atheists to sing carols and other religious songs. Bearing in mind that the carol service was one of the highlights of my year as a music student.

 

I ignored her of course!

 

Good grief. I would have thought she would have been happy that maybe one of those pathetic atheists would be moved by the music and convert! Referring to my post above... "Division always starts in the music ministry." Whatever, right?

[◊ crazyguy123 ◊]

[During a Lenten sermon, walking over to the praise band area and gesturing largely in our direction...]

 

"Satan loves to use gossip to divide the church, and he always starts with the creative people because they think differently than the rest of us. He can get in their brains and create all sorts of ideas. [More gesturing...] At every church I've ever preached at, the division has always started in the music ministry."

 

In my mind I was thinking, "Well maybe that's because some of us devote more than 20 hours (for free) every week to this ministry -- preparing, rehearsing, and performing the music. And all you ever do is ask for more, and ignore any ideas or concerns we have! When will we be good enough for you and for God?!"

 

Keep in mind, this was about a week after this pastor had told me to my face (in private, of course) that because I was (discreetly, mind you!) voicing a concern about unfair, politically-based mistreatment of some of us in the music ministry, "Satan is obviously using you as a wedge to divide the music ministry, and eventually the entire ministry as a whole."

 

So when he ranted on about Satan using the music ministry and the "creative people" (with large gesturing in our direction every time) for the next five sermons in a row (over the course of 4 weeks), I knew he was talking to me.

 

And I stayed there for another two years. Oh my.

 

I'm glad you're not a part of that nonsense anymore.

[SageHealer]

"If you deny god, then he'll deny you."  Even if you're being tortured.  Because you know, we're all going to be tortured during the "End Times" by those evil heathen.  Better get a xtian tattoo so you won't be tempted to deny your faith.

 

I kid you not, I still hear stuff like this from my family.  

[LifeCycle]

"There will be good people in hell and bad people in heaven." 

 

 -Bob Yandian

[RenaissanceWoman]

"There will be good people in hell and bad people in heaven." 

 

 -Bob Yandian

 

That's because God is just, you know.  

[RenaissanceWoman]

I'm glad you're not a part of that nonsense anymore.

 

Thank you! I stayed so long because for those moments I was playing and singing with the band, it was pure bliss for me. I did not want to give up that creative outlet. I finally realized that a few hours a week of pure bliss (several worship services plus several rehearsals each week) were not outweighing the 24/7 angst in my brain all the other days. (Seriously, I thought about the drama every waking moment -- I was so messed up!)

 

When push came to shove, even my beloved band mates did not stand up for me, for fear of the leadership and fear of getting kicked out of their own creative bliss. Wow, that really fucked with my mind, emotions, and every aspect of mental and physical health.

 

What a painful lesson to have learned. SIGH..........

[RenaissanceWoman]

Here's another "stupidest thing I've heard in church."

 

Almost exactly two years ago, my "best friend" at the church (who had been avoiding me for about 4 months... ding ding ding) agreed to meet with me and tell me what was on her mind. She chose the church as a neutral ground, so I accepted. On Memorial Day, we sat on the front pew of the empty sanctuary for a torturous three-hour heart-to-heart.

 

She explained to me that my close association with her (short, fat, bald) husband was threatening her and her marriage. (I was in the band, and he was the sound guy.) Keep in mind that she is bi-polar and overweight -- a recipe for paranoia, insecurity, and drama. She spelled out how, several months prior, she had gone to the pastor (who then went to the elders, of course!) and told him that, and I quote, "It's her or me, one of us has to go." (Stupid thing #1.)

 

Once the reality of my shock, confusion, and embarrassment sank in to her sick little mind, she realized I was innocent of her charges of husband stealing. (Besides, my husband is amazing -- sexy, charming, supportive, funny, etc. -- why would I want hers? But I digress.) She then apologized for her demand she had made to the pastor, and said, "If anyone asks, just tell them this has been resolved." (Stupid thing #2.)

 

What? Who is "anyone"? Turns out it was a lot of people, over the course of several months, and not one of them breathed a word of it to me. So much for the Biblical advice to privately take your problem to the person first, and then involve an elder if you get no results. What-the-fuck-ever.

 

By then in the conversation I was a weeping mess, completely bewildered and betrayed. I begged her forgiveness for having unknowingly caused this grief. (As if it was my fault?) Anyway... She said she forgives me, and it's OK because, "You can't help it you're beautiful." (Stupid thing #3.)

 

Ummmm, was that supposed to be a compliment?

 

So, I realized that for about 6 months up until then, I had been performing up front several times a week, always respectfully dressed up (hair, makeup, jewelry, dresses, heels, the whole nine yards), and the whole time, at least 20 people in the congregation were looking at me wondering if I was the husband-stealing demon she had told them I was. Now if that does not creep you out a bit!

 

Oh the drama!

 

I quit the band that very day.

 

Fast forward about 17 months, and I was the one asked to leave (for my divisive calling out of un-Christ-like behaviors in the congregation and leadership), and to this day, she is still there. She contributes almost nothing, while I had contributed everything to that place. But she played their little games, and I did not, so I had to go. That's Christian justice for ya.

[stryper]

When I was 18, the summer after I graduated from high school, my dad drug us out to his new most wonderful job in the world in Fresno, Ca.  He had been living out there for about 9-10 months.   He found the largest Methodist church in the area and joined since we were Methodists. 

 

I was pretty much on my way out of the church at this point, but I was still living at home and under my dad's thumb so I couldn't really say no.  We went.  Very contemporary service with a rock band and everything. Dad was so excited when it was over he asked what I thought.  I told him it looked like a show.  He yelled at me "If that's all you see, then that's all it will be."  or some equally asinine shit. Needless to say I was not impressed.

 

Later, word had gotten around the church that my dad has been fucking around on my mom with a single asian lady at the church.  The pastor's wife called and left a nasty message on the machine about what a terrible Christian he was.   He never went back to that church or any Methodist church again. 

 

Yeah.....Christian love and forgiveness. 

[RenaissanceWoman]

Stryper, I bet the pastor's wife was relieved to have gotten the answering machine so she could go off like that. I wonder if she would have been so bold in person -- with someone who could respond or defend themselves or tell her to shut the heck up.

 

But leaving that on someone's machine is kind of lame, because your dad could have played it for who-knows-who. That could have been awkward for her -- outing her "Christian love" and all.    

 

But then again, who cares about people like her. Glad your dad figured it out and moved on.

[Blake]

One of the last times I attended a church, I visited with my brother and his ex-girlfriend (girlfriend at the time of course) at a holy roller, charismatic type church. During their musical performance, which took place before the morning sermon, things got really hyper-emotional, and the glossolalia and other various "works of the Spirit" came into play. At one point during all the crying, hooting and hollering during the song and powerpoint presentation of lyrics, one of the ladies screamed through a microphone: "Open the doors! Let God's Holy Spirit out into the world!"

 

I literally facepalmed. If God exists, I thought to myself, surely He/She/It isn't confined by the double doors of some random pentecostal church in West Virginia.

 

... And DAMN SURE not evoked and inspired by such a melodramatic, hyper-emotional and sappy modern worship song.

[stryper]

Stryper, I bet the pastor's wife was relieved to have gotten the answering machine so she could go off like that. I wonder if she would have been so bold in person -- with someone who could respond or defend themselves or tell her to shut the heck up.

 

But leaving that on someone's machine is kind of lame, because your dad could have played it for who-knows-who. That could have been awkward for her -- outing her "Christian love" and all.  

 

But then again, who cares about people like her. Glad your dad figured it out and moved on.

I wouldn't go that far. 

 

The affair was the catalyst that ended my parents marriage.   Now he claims to be a born again christian and spouts religious and right wing fox news bobble head shit on his facebook wall.  I haven't talked to him in over 6 years.  Based on what I have seen on FB, I don't want to. 

[free2009]

Here's something really stupid, and a major reason that I left the church: A non-denominational pastor told me that my mother went to hell after she died because she was associated with the Catholic church, thus not really saved. He told me that I would never see her on the other side.

 

Lol, I would have loved to tell him what my mother said to me a few days before she died suddenly. I was not even a teenager yet, and Mom told me that she didn't think god or jesus was real, but she just kept up the act so I could keep going to the Catholic school, as the public school in town was so bad.

[Thackerie]

Stryper, I bet the pastor's wife was relieved to have gotten the answering machine so she could go off like that. I wonder if she would have been so bold in person -- with someone who could respond or defend themselves or tell her to shut the heck up.

 

But leaving that on someone's machine is kind of lame, because your dad could have played it for who-knows-who. That could have been awkward for her -- outing her "Christian love" and all.  

 

But then again, who cares about people like her. Glad your dad figured it out and moved on.

 

Sounds to me like Dad didn't so much "figure it out an move on" but instead got embarrassed and slithered away.

[RenaissanceWoman]

Here's something really stupid, and a major reason that I left the church: A non-denominational pastor told me that my mother went to hell after she died because she was associated with the Catholic church, thus not really saved. He told me that I would never see her on the other side.

 

Wow, that has to top the list of things NOT to say to a grieving family member. Sheesh. No wonder people leave the faith.

[RenaissanceWoman]

 

But then again, who cares about people like her. Glad your dad figured it out and moved on.

 

Sounds to me like Dad didn't so much "figure it out an move on" but instead got embarrassed and slithered away.

 

 

Agreed! Sorry, Stryper, what a dreadful story on many levels.

[stryper]

I would say arrogance and stubbornness.   

 

He suddenly found himself in a vulnerable position and couldn't handle the changes that came about because of his choices.   So he basically said FU and went off to find some "real christians". 

 

I mean he actually thought that he could get mom and this broad to be friends.   

 

Anyway, enough with my derailment....on to the funny. 

[RenaissanceWoman]

Don't despair, Stryper. It's just a matter of time until his new and improved "real Christians" say something stupid, and you can come back here to report for our amusement.