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Goodbye Jesus

Stupidest Things You Heard In Church


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The other week our pastor prayed "lord give us ignorance in the things that are not from you." Lol! Praying for ignorance.

I know at least one prayer that will get answered.

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The other week our pastor prayed "lord give us ignorance in the things that are not from you." Lol! Praying for ignorance.

I know at least one prayer that will get answered.

"If there's one thing I hate more than prophecy, it's self-fulfilling prophecy." - Bill Maher.

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DarthKoopa: This longing for ignorance is a dangerous thing. A Sunday school teacher once "taught" a

whole hour on what is wrong with reading anything other than the bible. No shit. bill

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HOLD THE PHONE!!!

 

If the elder didn't know what oral sex was... how did his wife?

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Ravenstar, you have a sharp eye. I'd hate to be a husband trying to get away with cheating on you. bill

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Apparently legalizing pot will be the downfall of this country, and Christians need to take a hard stance against this.

 

Christians need to take a hard stance against change of any sort.

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The other week our pastor prayed "lord give us ignorance in the things that are not from you." Lol! Praying for ignorance.

I know at least one prayer that will get answered.

 

Cuz Ignorance is Power! :-)

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How to marginalize 2/3 of the world in one sentence, "You can't truly know how to be a nice person or love someone until you know the love of the lord."

 

I think there was a thread recently on the same topic. I couldn't believe what I read in the thread and couldn't believe my ears today when I heard it. Fucking incredible that people subscribe to that shit.

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The pastor asked the congregation: "Has anybody heard of Robert Ingersoll?" No one said they had. The

pastor then said: "Ingersoll was an atheist who lived in the 19th Century here in the US. See how long

atheists' names remain known to the public?"

 

bill

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Here is a horrible one from a few years back. Our church gave several "words" telling us that a sick infant would be healed. When the child passed away she was declared totally healed and in the presence of god.

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Most of the stupid stuff I recall would be from my days as a Baptist. I once heard a sermon entitled "Saved by the Bell is from Hell" in a chapel service at my Christian school.

 

I'm not so sure that sermon was wrong. I remember that show.

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Guest r3alchild

Here is a horrible one from a few years back. Our church gave several "words" telling us that a sick infant would be healed. When the child passed away she was declared totally healed and in the presence of god.

Truly sad, truly magical thinking.
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My pastor preached that the band Stryper was "straight from the pit of hell"

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My pastor preached that the band Stryper was "straight from the pit of hell"

 

wow...dueling faiths....and all that.

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The pastor asked the congregation: "Has anybody heard of Robert Ingersoll?" No one said they had. The pastor then said: "Ingersoll was an atheist who lived in the 19th Century here in the US. See how long atheists' names remain known to the public?"

 

bill

 

I guess we're supposed to base our beliefs not on evidence, but rather on what will make us a household name. And here I thought that Christians weren't supposed to desire to be famous.

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Yes, it's much better to be a Christian and be remembered forever.

 

Jim Jones. Jim Bakker. Oral Roberts (give me money or God will kill me).

 

Yeah. Those guys were awesome.

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Ravenstar, you have a sharp eye. I'd hate to be a husband trying to get away with cheating on you. bill

Would never happen... I'd know before they did!  ROTFLOL

 

I should have been a detective!  LOL  and with my natural paranoia, WHAMMO!  I'm Columbo! - just better looking  :D

 

seriously.. I don't miss much. Don't always understand it though.  LOL

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  My old pastor said that rock and roll drummers would become "filled with voodoo spirits" on stage and that's how they are able to drum good, but our drummer was good because he was filled with the spirit of god..... of coarse, your way is of god, other people's ways are of demons. The fear they tell you to have is so powerful that it keeps extremely intelligent people like my father bound in fear to a god that would send me and billions of other souls to hell for not pledging your heart to soul destroying beliefs and dogma. But he love's you.... F**K these hucksters. 

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  My old pastor said that rock and roll drummers would become "filled with voodoo spirits" on stage and that's how they are able to drum good, but our drummer was good because he was filled with the spirit of god..... of coarse, your way is of god, other people's ways are of demons. The fear they tell you to have is so powerful that it keeps extremely intelligent people like my father bound in fear to a god that would send me and billions of other souls to hell for not pledging your heart to soul destroying beliefs and dogma. But he love's you.... F**K these hucksters. 

 

In many ways, the more charismatic branches of evangelical Christianity have a lot in common with pagan superstitions and voodoo. It's just funny that the people actually involved can't even see it.

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-The church I went to celebrated "Flood Day" the exact day on the calander when God destroyed the world (according to the pastor's calculations. He fancies himself a scholar :-P). They also celebrated the exact day on the calander when the world was created. Thanks, James Ussher.

 

-When Adam and Eve sinned, their DNA was fundamentally changed. That's how original sin was passed down.

 

-The pastor felt led to pray for rain in Kenya when he was there this spring. He said it rained everyday for the next few days. It's the rainy season, and they are now having catastrophic flooding.

 

-It's impossible for something as complex as an iris to come about through natural selection. I guess he isn't familiar with how we ended up with corn...

 

-Only God can truly love us. When you wake up next to your new spouse the morning after and your make-up is running, his love will fail.

 

I could go on. And on. I feel bad for mocking people, but really. I was trapped in that bubble for so long I forgot how normal people actually thought.

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"Satan wants you to feel depressed and have low self-esteem to the point that you want to kill yourself, so that he can collect your immortal soul. Therefore, Christians should avoid anything that doesn't give them positive feelings, and avoid anything 'negative' (that is, anything not Christian.). If you listen to secular music, you will be depressed; if you listen to Christian music, you will be happy. We should all strive to only listen to Christian music, read Christian books, etc, etc., because having real emotions makes baby Jesus cry."

 

Bullshit. Now that I'm an athest and have finally begun to distance myself from church, I've never been happier. If anything was making me hate myself and feel depressed, it was Christianity. And I'll take the honest emotions of secular artists over the false happiness of Christian 'artists' any day.

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"Satan wants you to feel depressed and have low self-esteem to the point that you want to kill yourself, so that he can collect your immortal soul. Therefore, Christians should avoid anything that doesn't give them positive feelings, and avoid anything 'negative' (that is, anything not Christian.). If you listen to secular music, you will be depressed; if you listen to Christian music, you will be happy. We should all strive to only listen to Christian music, read Christian books, etc, etc., because having real emotions makes baby Jesus cry."

 

Bullshit. Now that I'm an athest and have finally begun to distance myself from church, I've never been happier. If anything was making me hate myself and feel depressed, it was Christianity. And I'll take the honest emotions of secular artists over the false happiness of Christian 'artists' any day.

 

You might like this then:

 

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Absolute dumbest thing I ever heard and still hear often:

 

                "God will never give you anything more than you can handle."

 

Oh really?  Then why do so many people commit suicide, end up in the psyche ward, repress memories, etc.?!  I'm not even sure that particular quote is in the bible, not that it matters.

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Absolute dumbest thing I ever heard and still hear often:

 

                "God will never give you anything more than you can handle."

 

Oh really?  Then why do so many people commit suicide, end up in the psyche ward, repress memories, etc.?!  I'm not even sure that particular quote is in the bible, not that it matters.

 

They just aren't praying enough/drawing near enough to God/seeking his will, yadda yadda yadda. In other words, it's their own fault. God is always anxiously waiting up in Heaven for people to say the right magic words so he can whoosh down to Earth and help them with his miraculous power.

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Absolute dumbest thing I ever heard and still hear often:

 

                "God will never give you anything more than you can handle."

 

Oh really?  Then why do so many people commit suicide, end up in the psyche ward, repress memories, etc.?!  I'm not even sure that particular quote is in the bible, not that it matters.

 

It's not in the Bible. There's a verse about temptation, but not stuff you can't handle.

 

There was a blog post circulating around my FB friends a few weeks ago where some fundy was saying that this isn't true and that God does give you things you can't handle so that you will rely on him more. Also bullshit, but it's funny how, as with prayer, they can just constantly keep moving the goal posts for their imaginary friend.

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