Stupidest Things You Heard In Church

[★ Citsonga ★]

"Satan wants you to feel depressed and have low self-esteem to the point that you want to kill yourself, so that he can collect your immortal soul. Therefore, Christians should avoid anything that doesn't give them positive feelings, and avoid anything 'negative' (that is, anything not Christian.). If you listen to secular music, you will be depressed; if you listen to Christian music, you will be happy. We should all strive to only listen to Christian music, read Christian books, etc, etc., because having real emotions makes baby Jesus cry."

 

That pretty much implies that the "happy" feelings of Christians aren't "real emotions."

[Reprobate]

Feeling like you were a worthless piece of shit was committing the sin of pride.

[RipVanWinkle]

Xtians who say those things are like the EverReady battery, except instead of running, they just keep

lying and lying and lying and, etc. bill

[ContraBardus]

I heard lots of stupid things in church, but I've always taken a perverse sort of glee in it.

 

For example: The Ark wasn't big enough to fit all of the dinosaurs inside. They were too big so Noah had to leave them.

 

This is stupid for various reasons. [God did command him to put two of -everything- inside after all, not just 'as much as he could cram into it.]

 

Even as a young sarcastic bastard I knew that most dinosaurs were about the size of a chicken to about as large as a cow, and only a few were extremely large, not to mention the millions of years that separated the various types. Not to mention the huge gap between non avian types and humans. [This was back when Creationism was still considered the 'Official' truth by most Christian churches, not just the extremist nutjobs.

 

Of course, I could never shut up and I still remember what the cracks in that little corner in the Sunday School Classroom look like to this day.

 

Ah Sunday School, the only 'school' I've ever attended that would punish you for being too smart and knowing too much.

 

I was punished a lot. I'm just glad I never did 'learn my lesson' and continued to not be stupid.

[Lilith666]

The pastor asked the congregation: "Has anybody heard of Robert Ingersoll?" No one said they had. The pastor then said: "Ingersoll was an atheist who lived in the 19th Century here in the US. See how long atheists' names remain known to the public?"

 

bill

Except for Richard Dawkins, Stephen Hawking, Madalyn Murray O'Hair, David Hume, Christopher Hitchens, Helen Keller, Ernest Hemingway....

[owen652]

"Don't sweat the small stuff"  In other words, we can do whatever the hell we like (sleep around, swear, drink etc etc), so long as we say our prayers, identify ourselves as Christians and go to the appropriate church on Sundays. 

[★ Citsonga ★]

 

The pastor asked the congregation: "Has anybody heard of Robert Ingersoll?" No one said they had. The pastor then said: "Ingersoll was an atheist who lived in the 19th Century here in the US. See how long atheists' names remain known to the public?"

 

bill

Except for Richard Dawkins, Stephen Hawking, Madalyn Murray O'Hair, David Hume, Christopher Hitchens, Helen Keller, Ernest Hemingway....

 

 

Yeah, no shit. I could also name a bunch of Christians who are completely unknown to the public. It's mind-boggling how supposed leaders can be so incredibly stupid as to make such idiotic statements.

[midniterider]

  My old pastor said that rock and roll drummers would become "filled with voodoo spirits" on stage and that's how they are able to drum good, but our drummer was good because he was filled with the spirit of god..... of coarse, your way is of god, other people's ways are of demons. The fear they tell you to have is so powerful that it keeps extremely intelligent people like my father bound in fear to a god that would send me and billions of other souls to hell for not pledging your heart to soul destroying beliefs and dogma. But he love's you.... F**K these hucksters. 

 

Bob the drummer begins his gig one night in a bar with fellow musicians. He starts to play, feeling the evil voodoo spirits filing into his head and making him beat the drums in a hideous 4/4 rhythm of satanic rock and roll nightmare. The spirits smile as they see the men and women on the dance floor moving their bodies in a sexually provocative manner, bumping and grinding in perverse pleasure. A couple of dirty heathen girls think he's hot.

 

A few months down the road, Bob the drummer is invited to play drums in a Pentecostal Sunday church service. The Holy Spirit reaches inside Bob's head, pulls out those evil voodoo spirits, kicks their butts and then jumps into Bob and makes him play a heavenly 4/4 beat for Jesus, spreading glory of the Lord across the sanctuary. Bob's god-lead talent makes a joyful noise for the congregation. The members lift their hands in the air and sway gently to the rhythm. A couple of girls who are on fire for Christ feel led by the spirit to introduce themselves to Bob and ask him if he knows Jesus.

 

:-)

[leopardus]

A fave of mine from a pastor:  Why do you hear people curse with, "God damn", or "Jesus Christ!"? That's 'cause they are real. You never hear people say, "Buddha damn" or "Satan!".  

What that idiot doesn't know or even consider is that the US isn't the only country on earth. In Denmark they do indeed curse by saying "Satan!" It's considered a very strong curse word.  Using a blasphemous curse with "Allah" is very strong language in some Arab lands.

Oh well. Nothing like ethnocentrism to bolster your bigoted views.

[★ Citsonga ★]

A fave of mine from a pastor:  Why do you hear people curse with, "God damn", or "Jesus Christ!"? That's 'cause they are real. You never hear people say, "Buddha damn" or "Satan!". 

 

Holdonasecond. Does this pastor not believe that Satan is real?

[★ Citsonga ★]

 

  My old pastor said that rock and roll drummers would become "filled with voodoo spirits" on stage and that's how they are able to drum good, but our drummer was good because he was filled with the spirit of god..... of coarse, your way is of god, other people's ways are of demons. The fear they tell you to have is so powerful that it keeps extremely intelligent people like my father bound in fear to a god that would send me and billions of other souls to hell for not pledging your heart to soul destroying beliefs and dogma. But he love's you.... F**K these hucksters. 

 

Bob the drummer begins his gig one night in a bar with fellow musicians. He starts to play, feeling the evil voodoo spirits filing into his head and making him beat the drums in a hideous 4/4 rhythm of satanic rock and roll nightmare. The spirits smile as they see the men and women on the dance floor moving their bodies in a sexually provocative manner, bumping and grinding in perverse pleasure. A couple of dirty heathen girls think he's hot.

 

A few months down the road, Bob the drummer is invited to play drums in a Pentecostal Sunday church service. The Holy Spirit reaches inside Bob's head, pulls out those evil voodoo spirits, kicks their butts and then jumps into Bob and makes him play a heavenly 4/4 beat for Jesus, spreading glory of the Lord across the sanctuary. Bob's god-lead talent makes a joyful noise for the congregation. The members lift their hands in the air and sway gently to the rhythm. A couple of girls who are on fire for Christ feel led by the spirit to introduce themselves to Bob and ask him if he knows Jesus.

 

:-)

 

 

So, what should we make of my avatar?

[FloridaGirl]

At a women's night for a Catholic group on Campus:

 

To prevent guys from sinning and having "lustful" thoughts about you:

 

You can't wear Jeggings (a hybrid of jeans and leggings) because they are too revealing

You can't wear tank tops because they show your shoulders and men are most attracted to a Girl's back ( my boyfriend later said that was not true)

Bikinis are unacceptable

Skirts have to go to your knees and it is probably good to wear tights under them

[spherr]

I heard during a sermon today that God blocks your prayers when you are a bad Christian and don't follow the good old holy book.

 

Also, apparently Christians always treated women fairy. And this was said after reading scripture saying that women should submit to their husbands. Can someone explain that logic to me?

[leopardus]

"Of course god is good. We couldn't put up with a capricious god could we?"

I sort of stared agog at the priest for many minutes after that. I have no idea what else he may have said; I was too flabergasted.

That was during the time I was questioning.

[Voice]

Stupidest thing I heard came out of my own mouth.  Stupidest things.

[buffettphan]

"God is real"  -- the stupidest thing that leads to all other stupid things said in church.

[Discern]

 Also when questioned about oral sex an elder instantly pronounced it a perversion (after his wife whispered to him what it was). That one always makes me laugh.

 

Later that night: "Err...honey...I was thinking about what you said earlier.....do you think you could...."    

 

 

 

Having sex with someone means that you form a soul tie with them. Exchanging Friendship bracelets forms soul ties between people. 

 

I remember soul ties being talked about in a couple books I read. It was more prominent in the weirder fundamentalist churches. In my own research as a christian, I could never find a decent scriptural basis for it.

I had friendship bracelets as a kid around 1990. They were hugely popular at my school, but then they got preached against as being somehow demonic, so I was forced to get rid of them. I'm pretty sure the reasoning was similar to what you mentioned: we were forming some kind of ungodly spiritual connection with the person we got the bracelet from.

 

 

Here is a horrible one from a few years back. Our church gave several "words" telling us that a sick infant would be healed. When the child passed away she was declared totally healed and in the presence of god.

 

They always win, don't they! No matter the outcome. If God's not "working a miracle", then "he's called her home". Makes you sick.

 

 

You can't wear tank tops because they show your shoulders and men are most attracted to a Girl's back ( my boyfriend later said that was not true)

 

 

Men are attracted to a girl's back?   Reminds me of sex tips written by females in magazines like Cosmo - when they talk about a guy's parts and what he likes, half the time they haven't got a clue.  Tank tops and spaghetti strap tops usually look tacky anyway.

[Discern]

A pastor in my old church:

 

"Jesus said if your right hand causes you to sin, then cut it off. It's better to enter into heaven with one hand, than to go to hell with both hands. I believe He's talking about masturbation."

 

Even as a fundamentalist, I had to facepalm in my chair.

 

The same pastor also preached some weird sermon on heaven. He said that in heaven, we will no longer remember our unsaved friends and relatives. Because if we remembered them, then we'd be sorrowful that they are in hell - and you can't have sorrow and pain in heaven. Therefore, God makes us forget every person we ever knew that ended up in hell.

If I remember right, he found some obscure out-of-context Old Testament verse to help support his view. Again, even at the time I thought this guy was off the rails. What if I end up in heaven but my parents don't? Wouldn't I be suspicious that I couldn't remember my own parents?

[HymenaeusAlexander]

A pastor in my old church:

 

"Jesus said if your right hand causes you to sin, then cut it off. It's better to enter into heaven with one hand, than to go to hell with both hands. I believe He's talking about masturbation."

 

Nothing about the left hand, though. Makes me glad that I'm left-handed.

 

The same pastor also preached some weird sermon on heaven. He said that in heaven, we will no longer remember our unsaved friends and relatives. Because if we remembered them, then we'd be sorrowful that they are in hell - and you can't have sorrow and pain in heaven. Therefore, God makes us forget every person we ever knew that ended up in hell.

If I remember right, he found some obscure out-of-context Old Testament verse to help support his view. Again, even at the time I thought this guy was off the rails. What if I end up in heaven but my parents don't? Wouldn't I be suspicious that I couldn't remember my own parents?

 

You're absolutely right. Your memories of your parents are part of who you are. It would not be same "you" in heaven without them.

 

Excerpt from my blog:

Thomas Aquinas writes in his Summa Theologica that, “in order that the happiness of the saints may be more delightful to them and that they may render more copious thanks to God for it, they are allowed to see perfectly the sufferings of the damned.”  Similarly, Jonathan Edwards believed the saints in heaven will behold the torments of the damned, including and especially burning family members writhing in agony when he wrote, "Can the believing husband in Heaven be happy with his unbelieving wife in Hell? Can the believing father in Heaven be happy with his unbelieving children in Hell? Can the loving wife in Heaven be happy with her unbelieving husband in Hell? I tell you yeah! Such will be their sense of justice that it will increase rather than diminish their bliss (Edwards, Discourses on Various Important Subjects 1738).”  Both men cite passages like Isaiah 66:24, Psalm 58:10 and Revelation 14:10 in support of their view.

 

According to this view, God is going to give you a front row seat to witness the eternal torment of your unbelieving children and other relatives and when you hear them crying out in agony, not only will this not bother you in the least, but you’re actually going to like it thanks to your transformed heart. Think about that. The Christian god is literally going to miraculously transform mothers into sadists that take pleasure in watching the children they carried for nine months and raised for eighteen years being tormented in everlasting fire and they will praise him for it.

 

Even if you don’t accept the arguments of Edwards and Aquinas, but you still believe in the existence of hell, the best you can hope for is that God will make you forget that you ever had that unbelieving child. Perhaps when he wipes all your tears away he’ll also wipe away from your mind forever all of the now-precious memories you have of that unbelieving child so you can fully enjoy eternity without having to think about their everlasting torment and agony. Praise Jesus for the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

 

There's a problem with both of those views, however. The problem with the first is that in order for God to turn you into a sadist that enjoys watching the rest of humanity screaming and wailing and crying out in painful torture for all of eternity, he's going to have to remove the empathy you feel toward your fellow human beings and especially those you may have loved who didn't believe in him. Once he does that you will no longer be you. The empathy you feel toward your fellow human beings and the desire you have to not see your loved-ones tormented is part of who you are and part of what makes you human. It will be gone, making that version of you not the same person.

 

The same is true for the other solution. If God is just going to wipe away all memory of your unbelieving loved-ones so that the bliss of heaven won't be interrupted by the occasional stray thought of these people you cared about weeping and wailing, then he's removing an important part of what makes you who you are. Your memories of those loved-ones and the care and concern you feel for them right now is just as much a part of you as anything else. If God takes that from you, it means that the version of you in heaven will not really be you.

[uol]

HOLD THE PHONE!!!

 

If the elder didn't know what oral sex was... how did his wife?

 

 Let’s just say that that particular church had a long history of husbands and wives cheating on one another with other members of the congregation

 ........so much for all the cant about sexual morality!

[stryper]

The louder they yell the more they'll do it. 

[Lilith666]

 

 

A pastor in my old church:

 

"Jesus said if your right hand causes you to sin, then cut it off. It's better to enter into heaven with one hand, than to go to hell with both hands. I believe He's talking about masturbation."

Nothing about the left hand, though. Makes me glad that I'm left-handed.

The same pastor also preached some weird sermon on heaven. He said that in heaven, we will no longer remember our unsaved friends and relatives. Because if we remembered them, then we'd be

sorrowful that they are in hell - and you can't have sorrow and pain in

heaven. Therefore, God makes us forget every person we ever knew that

ended up in hell.

 

If I remember right, he found some obscure out-of-context Old Testament verse to help support his view. Again, even at the time I thought this guy was off the rails. What if I end up in heaven but my parents don't? Wouldn't I be suspicious that I couldn't remember my own parents?

You're absolutely right. Your memories of your parents are part of who you are. It would not be same "you" in heaven without them.

 

Excerpt from my blog:

Thomas Aquinas writes in his Summa Theologica that, “in order that the happiness of the saints may be more delightful to them and that they may render more copious thanks to God for it, they are allowed to see perfectly the sufferings of the

damned.” Similarly, Jonathan Edwards believed the saints in heaven will behold the torments of

the damned, including and especially burning family members writhing in agony when he wrote, "Can the believing husband in Heaven be happy

with his unbelieving wife in Hell? Can the believing father in Heaven be

happy with his unbelieving children in Hell? Can the loving wife in Heaven

be happy with her unbelieving husband in Hell? I tell you yeah! Such will

be their sense of justice that it will increase rather than diminish their bliss

(Edwards, Discourses on Various Important Subjects 1738).” Both men cite passages like Isaiah 66:24, Psalm 58:10 and Revelation 14:10 in support of their view.

 

According to this view, God is going to give you a front row seat to witness the eternal torment of your unbelieving children and other relatives and when you hear them crying out in agony, not only will this not bother you in the least, but you’re actually going to like it thanks to your transformed heart. Think about that. The Christian god is literally going to

miraculously transform mothers into sadists that take pleasure in watching

the children they carried for nine months and raised for eighteen years

being tormented in everlasting fire and they will praise him for it.

 

Even if you don’t accept the arguments of Edwards and Aquinas, but you still believe in the existence of hell, the best you can hope for is that God will make you forget that you ever had that unbelieving child. Perhaps when he wipes all your tears away he’ll also wipe away from your

mind forever all of the now-precious memories you have of that unbelieving

child so you can fully enjoy eternity without having to think about their

everlasting torment and agony. Praise Jesus for the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

 

There's a problem with both of those views, however. The problem with the first is that in order for God to turn you into a sadist that enjoys watching the rest of humanity screaming and wailing and crying out in painful torture for all of eternity, he's going to have to remove the empathy you feel toward your fellow human beings and especially those

you may have loved who didn't believe in him. Once he does that you will

no longer be you. The empathy you feel toward your fellow human beings

and the desire you have to not see your loved-ones tormented is part of

who you are and part of what makes you human. It will be gone, making

that version of you not the same person.

 

The same is true for the other solution. If God is just going to wipe away all memory of your unbelieving loved-ones so that the bliss of heaven won't be interrupted by the occasional stray thought of these people you cared about weeping and wailing, then he's removing an important part of what makes you who you are. Your memories of those

loved-ones and the care and concern you feel for them right now is just as

much a part of you as anything else. If God takes that from you, it means

that the version of you in heaven will not really be you.

Thomas Aquinas is an asshole and Jonathan Edwards is a piece of shit.

[leopardus]

ET and other aliens in movies are styled after demons so that when the real demons come, we'll all be used to them and will accept them. 

[Guest r3alchild]

What about christians who tell you off and warn you to keep your head in the clouds of heaven when you talk about satan and his demons.

[OpheliaGinger]

 

  My old pastor said that rock and roll drummers would become "filled with voodoo spirits" on stage and that's how they are able to drum good, but our drummer was good because he was filled with the spirit of god..... of coarse, your way is of god, other people's ways are of demons. The fear they tell you to have is so powerful that it keeps extremely intelligent people like my father bound in fear to a god that would send me and billions of other souls to hell for not pledging your heart to soul destroying beliefs and dogma. But he love's you.... F**K these hucksters. 

 

In many ways, the more charismatic branches of evangelical Christianity have a lot in common with pagan superstitions and voodoo. It's just funny that the people actually involved can't even see it.

 

 

My partner practices voodoo mainly because he grew up Pentecostal and thus found that he liked voodoo better than any other religious practice.

 

The stupidest thing I heard was when I was attending an Assembly of God church, because I wanted to convince the guy that I was attempting to woo that I was a good Christian woman, and a teenager stood up for testimony and said that God answered her prayer--a day late--to help her take down wallpaper by sending an earthquake to a town a couple of states away.  So, God cost many Christians millions of dollars in damage just so he could vaguely help a teenager by giving a minor rumble in the house.  Even then I could sense the bullshit despite being Christian.