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Stupidest Things You Heard In Church


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It is impossible to have a fulfilling marriage unless you are saved.

 

Assuming there is such a thing to begin with. I know a lot of married people, and from what I know such a thing is entirely mythical. Something even the most Christian of married couples I know would agree with.

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One Sunday, Pastor Shawn was preaching on "What would Jesus do" and he said, "Men, the next time you are in an argument with your wife, stop and ask yourself 'What would Jesus do'." and I said out lou

Ok, this is something I heard in church but not from the pulpit.  I was in a small bible-study group of young moms around 1990, and around the bible study part, we'd talk about our lives.  The general

The pastor of the baptist church I used to attend said during one service that anybody who says they like the taste of beer is lying.   May not be the stupidest but it ranks pretty high in my book.

Once my folks church had a service entirely dedicated to other religions and explaining why they were "obviously false" and why Christianity was clearly the one-true-path™

 

What followed was so pathetically off the mark it couldn't even be considered a strawman. Strawman arguments at least tend to have some sliver of truth to them, but such a thing was not present in the complete bullshit that flew out of the pastors mouth.

 

Buddhism was false because Buddhists secretly worship Satan. Buddha was a demon.

Pantheism was false because people who believe in it want to be able to worship themselves.

Deism was false because the bible says so.

Hinduism was false because their Gods resembled demons in the bible and therefore Hinduism is demon worship.

 

And on and on and on you get the picture. It was really hard for me to not laugh.

 

 

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Once my folks church had a service entirely dedicated to other religions and explaining why they were "obviously false" and why Christianity was clearly the one-true-path...

 

Buddhism was false because Buddhists secretly worship Satan. Buddha was a demon.

 

Yes... I was always told not to meditate because it is worshipping yourself as a god, or it is inviting evil spirits in. (So which is it, smarty pants? I'm the god, or Biblegod's demons are coming in? Seems like two different things.)

 

And don't admit at church that you do yoga! Oh, the evil demons and self-worship! (Even if you are doing it for the mere physical / stretching / toning aspects, you are inviting in the devil!) There was a big bruhaha here in my small biblebelt town when the local YMCA started offering yoga classes (since the Y is supposed to be a christian association). Oh the drama!

 

A former pastor of mine (conservative Lutheran, and he was 28 at the time) freaked out when I told him I love acupuncture for its positive effects on my digestive system and its overall calming effect on my body. He was concerned that "chi" is either evil spirits, or me somehow worshipping my own inner energy/god. Dude, catch up with the times! Yes, acupuncture is mysterious (from a western medical standpoint) and comes out of an eastern religious philosophy, but that does not mean it does not have some medical merit. I may be wrong (and may be under a nice placebo effect, which does not bother me since it's working for me), but I think of the "energy" system of neural firings and nerve connections to be at least theoretically as real as blood pumping through our veins (which is obviously easier to monitor scientifically using western methods). Anyway... I had never considered acupuncture as a spiritual thing -- only medical / scientific. (I know some people will say it's woo-woo non-science, but that's OK. My point is that I was doing it for medical reasons, not spiritual.)

 

Since my deconversion, I still have three good, true friends. Two of them are Buddhists, who have been my friends for 20 years and loved and supported me even in my crazy christian days. And I now understand why they have a peace that I never found in christianity. They had true love and acceptance in their philosophies, unlike my christian brethren. I'm not going to become a Buddhist, but I respect them waaaaay more than the christians, that's for sure.

 

Yes, Jedah... beware those other religions! The loving Biblegod is going to let those millions of evil people burn in hell, and you don't want to be sucked in by them.

 

Wendybanghead.gif

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How alcohol, cigarettes, inappropriate movies (ie most of them) bad company etc, etc effects your 'anointing' which in turn decreases your ability to connect to god and save the 'lost'. As if god has very specific condition requirements to be able, or willing, to work through a human being. The most effective I ever was in evangelizing was in fact during my heavy stoner phase of being a christian, which sadly was followed by the awful legalistic phase. It would seem being sober and avoiding all the right things did not have the desired impact on the power of my spiritual life. Yet again I am stunned at what I used to believe 49.gif 

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The stupidest thing I ever heard in church is that premarital sex is a sin. 

 

For years, I formulated my values on the importance of "waiting until marriage" and did a lot of unhealthy things to rationalize why I didn't wait, because sex before marriage is such a heinous sin. Many of the people from my church and school married too young and too soon because premarital sex was a sin. Girls, especially, dealt with shame when their families (especially their fathers) found out that they were no longer virgins, and having sex before marriage was such a horrible sin. How many of us know Christians who lie, ignore the poor, judge their neighbors, hate gays, and have even divorced, yet remain smugly secure in their salvation because they waited until marriage, since premarital sex is a sin. 

 

You know what the bible never, ever says? That premarital sex is a sin. 

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My pastor dad puts a subtle reference to movie theaters being evil sometimes. He really hates movie theaters and Hollywood. However, he is completely fine with renting movies to watch. I really don't understand how it makes a difference where you watch them. 

 

I didn't go to a movie theater until I was about to turn 19 with my boyfriend (we saw The Hobbit! <3) and I am just now getting accustomed to going. It was a very difficult social adjustment because I had no idea how to function in this part of society.

 

I told my parents I was going out of respect and they were very "disappointed". My dad thought I would succumb to further temptations (like what? Getting tempted to buy Sour Patch Kids and eat a whole box? Guilty as charged.)

 

We don't discuss movies much anymore. Sore subject. 

 

But I still don't see how there is any temptation. The content you watch is the source of temptation and that would make sense to me. But going to see The Hobbit or Despicable Me 2 or Pacific Rim? Nothing bad in those movies that my parents/God would deem explicit. Stupidest rule I grew up under and still have to listen to in church.

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It is impossible to have a fulfilling marriage unless you are saved.

You might also say its impossible to have a fulfilling LIFE unless you are saved.   Yes, I don't care how self-supporting, giving, loving, and inwardly/outwardly beautiful person you are, if you are not SAVED your life is a complete waste. A disaster and nothing good can ever come of it. 

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It is impossible to have a fulfilling marriage unless you are saved.

 

Assuming there is such a thing to begin with. I know a lot of married people, and from what I know such a thing is entirely mythical. Something even the most Christian of married couples I know would agree with.

 

 

 

There is this website for married  or soon to be married Christians.  It is www.themarriagebed.com 

 

I have been on there in the past.  It is full of THE MOST uptight, nerve racked, and neurotic people with fucked up marriages because of what has been taught to them in Christianity.  I actually feel sorry for most people who wander on there, especially the people who were raised in church and know nothing else.  You have women who are afraid to become intimate with their husbands.  You have men who sexually treat their wives like shit because that is what GAWD wants.  Even the people who run that site will admit there is a problem but have no clue as to how to fix it.  It is extremely sad and hilariously funny at the same time. 

 

Wow, Burnedout, I checked that site, and it's a treasure-trove of facepalm triggers.

 

I think what kills me is this: "ideally" neither party on the wedding night has ever had sex, masturbation is a sin of some kind... OF COURSE it's going to be terrible and awkward. Idiots. Oh, and maybe nobody's enjoying sex because you're married to someone you're not sexually compatible with. This wouldn't be an issue if you could "test drive" before you buy. You wouldn't buy a car without riding it. Same should go for spouses. And, these people seem to have no clue how female arousal works at all. Plenty of "how to please him" striptease stuff for women, but none for men, as if it doesn't matter if she finds him sexually attractive at all. Just something "magic" about a clitoris - like touching her the right way will make her enjoy sex,  like she were some kind of elaborate combination lock - as if any man will do, once there's a wedding band on him. I'm sorry, if you don't turn me on, you're not getting anywhere near mine. I think it's the idea that women get married to men they love, and lust has nothing to do with it, or will come later. It's apparently all about training women to be sexually responsive, no matter what they're feeling, sexually (!!!). Wendytwitch.gif Not to mention the pressure this puts on men - I'm getting performance anxiety by proxy, here. The whole idea the site has about sex is about as un-sexy as it gets. Yikes.

 

It IS "extremely sad and hilariously funny at the same time". No wonder they're miserable. Thanks for the link!

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That serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer is our "brother in Christ" because he prayed to accept Christ in prison.  That we should look forward to being with our brother Jeffrey in heaven (the victims weren't mentioned) .   There were many instances like this where we were being taught to believe that some vile person was "our brother" because he had made a prayer to accept Christ.  In our church immediately after someone made that prayer they are a "brother."  I thought I was the evil one because I didn't want to be in the same club with brother Jeffrey.  We watched a video of him in church talking about how god changed his life.  I realized, um, this man is a serial killer.  He is a manipulator, how do you think he got his victims?  I feel sorry for myself and other young people raised to believe these warped teachings, no wonder we are driven to insanity. 

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During confirmation class:

The most dangerous statements begin with "I think" and "It seems to me."  In other words, we were told "Don't think!"  Who, in their right mind, tells young, bright kids "Don't think"?

 

During a Bible study:

 

Saying that couples (married, of course) who choose not to have children are selfish.  The pastor really said that.  With so many parents who, imo, should not have had kids, such a statement is beyond me.

Oh wow, did you just take me back with this!!  I had lots of questions in my youth, and I was deconverting during my confirmation classes, although I didn't really realize at the time.  I honestly was looking forward to my 2 years of classes because all of my Sunday school teachers could not answer any of my questions to my satisfaction and I thought attending classes taught by the elders and local bishop would help me resolve things.

 

I was told several times, and this is verbatim what he said it struck me so hard I never forgot it, was "you need to be careful, Marty, because the devil can fool you with logic..."  

 

 

actually i see the statement "i think" as one of the safest statements. It talks of ideas and not belief. ideas are a good thing. Belie can be to but it is far more volatile. Statements like "I KNOW" are the dangerous ones. those are the statements being made by manipulating pastors and clergy for hundreds of years to control others. If they had only ever been saying "i think" what may have happened instead?

 

The devil can fool you with logic? LOLOLOL that isn't even a creditable thought. LOL wow. Sorry you had to even hear that shit. How very insulting can another person be unknowingly. Funny how so much of religion causes those taking part to accidentally be insensative pricks.

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I think what kills me is this: "ideally" neither party on the wedding night has ever had sex, masturbation is a sin of some kind... OF COURSE it's going to be terrible and awkward. Idiots. Oh, and maybe nobody's enjoying sex because you're married to someone you're not sexually compatible with. This wouldn't be an issue if you could "test drive" before you buy. You wouldn't buy a car without riding it. Same should go for spouses. And, these people seem to have no clue how female arousal works at all. Plenty of "how to please him" striptease stuff for women, but none for men, as if it doesn't matter if she finds him sexually attractive at all. Just something "magic" about a clitoris - like touching her the right way will make her enjoy sex,  like she were some kind of elaborate combination lock - as if any man will do, once there's a wedding band on him. I'm sorry, if you don't turn me on, you're not getting anywhere near mine. I think it's the idea that women get married to men they love, and lust has nothing to do with it, or will come later. It's apparently all about training women to be sexually responsive, no matter what they're feeling, sexually (!!!). Wendytwitch.gif Not to mention the pressure this puts on men - I'm getting performance anxiety by proxy, here. The whole idea the site has about sex is about as un-sexy as it gets. Yikes.

 

It IS "extremely sad and hilariously funny at the same time". No wonder they're miserable. Thanks for the link!

 

 

So much humor.  From TMB forum rules:

 

"Every so often "one-trick ponies" appear in the forums. One-trick ponies (OTPs) are people who have an agenda and are here for little other reason than to push that agenda. Even if it's not a bad agenda, such behaviour detracts from the quality of the forums. We want to ensure and enhance the quality of TMB's forums for the benefit of all our members, making sure that the TMB forums are: 

- encouraging Godly sexuality in challenging and uplifting ways; 

- a source for faithful and accurate sexual, marital, and theological information

- honouring and celebrating the sacredness, beauty, and power of the Christian marriage bed.

 

In short, we want to enjoy our sexual freedom in Christ to the fullest, and that requires learning to interact about sexuality in honest, responsible ways. We understand that truly open and honest sexual discussion is still pretty new to Christian communities in general, and we expect that TMB forums will be a learning experience for all of us as we grow together in Christ by learning how to more responsibly steward our sexuality. One-trick ponies hinder these goals."

 

 

Color added to emphasize their own hypocrisy.  Watch out for those people who come here with an agenda that gets in the way of our agenda!  So they are going to delete you if you don't sing the right song.

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I think what kills me is this: "ideally" neither party on the wedding night has ever had sex, masturbation is a sin of some kind... OF COURSE it's going to be terrible and awkward. Idiots. Oh, and maybe nobody's enjoying sex because you're married to someone you're not sexually compatible with. This wouldn't be an issue if you could "test drive" before you buy. You wouldn't buy a car without riding it. Same should go for spouses. And, these people seem to have no clue how female arousal works at all. Plenty of "how to please him" striptease stuff for women, but none for men, as if it doesn't matter if she finds him sexually attractive at all. Just something "magic" about a clitoris - like touching her the right way will make her enjoy sex,  like she were some kind of elaborate combination lock - as if any man will do, once there's a wedding band on him. I'm sorry, if you don't turn me on, you're not getting anywhere near mine. I think it's the idea that women get married to men they love, and lust has nothing to do with it, or will come later. It's apparently all about training women to be sexually responsive, no matter what they're feeling, sexually (!!!). Wendytwitch.gif Not to mention the pressure this puts on men - I'm getting performance anxiety by proxy, here. The whole idea the site has about sex is about as un-sexy as it gets. Yikes.

 

It IS "extremely sad and hilariously funny at the same time". No wonder they're miserable. Thanks for the link!

 

 

So much humor.  From TMB forum rules:

 

"Every so often "one-trick ponies" appear in the forums. One-trick ponies (OTPs) are people who have an agenda and are here for little other reason than to push that agenda. Even if it's not a bad agenda, such behaviour detracts from the quality of the forums. We want to ensure and enhance the quality of TMB's forums for the benefit of all our members, making sure that the TMB forums are: 

- encouraging Godly sexuality in challenging and uplifting ways; 

- a source for faithful and accurate sexual, marital, and theological information

- honouring and celebrating the sacredness, beauty, and power of the Christian marriage bed.

 

In short, we want to enjoy our sexual freedom in Christ to the fullest, and that requires learning to interact about sexuality in honest, responsible ways. We understand that truly open and honest sexual discussion is still pretty new to Christian communities in general, and we expect that TMB forums will be a learning experience for all of us as we grow together in Christ by learning how to more responsibly steward our sexuality. One-trick ponies hinder these goals."

 

 

Color added to emphasize their own hypocrisy.  Watch out for those people who come here with an agenda that gets in the way of our agenda!  So they are going to delete you if you don't sing the right song.

 

 

"Sexual freedom in Christ." Doesn't that just make you a little bit hard? What would make me even more aroused is having people on a christian forum tell me the official godly way to use my penis. Not.

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Here is something stupid more awe factor. Pastor was describing how God doesn't like sin, started talking about stuff in the Bible as examples, and even mentioned briefly God ordering people be put to death. (You know those Bible verses that they don't talk about and get right back to the feel good shit).

 

Then he went off to make a joke about what he was talking about and never mentioned it again. I was like "did he just do that?"

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When I was in the 8th grade, I had a Sunday school teacher who taught us that, because animals weren't made in the image of God, they had no souls. And because they had no souls, they had no personalities or emotions whatsoever. "So when you come home from school and your dog seems happy to see you, he's not. He's has no emotions. He can't because he has no soul." (To top that off, the woman saying this had an attitude/tone of voice that made it clear she hates animals.) Even then I thought this was totally ridiculous, right up there with the teaching that animals don't go to heaven because they don't have souls. It always made sense to me that, if God took the time to create animals and the Bible says God even cares about the sparrow, then of course he would want animals in heaven. After all, animals are actually NOT capable of sin, right? They have more right to be there than we do!

 

Other stupid teachings/beliefs: 

 

1. God can't hear your prayers if you have unconfessed/unforgiven sin in your life, and the only prayer God can hear from a non-Christian is the prayer of salvation.

2. Christians should only read Christian books, listen to Christian music, etc. Everything else is "of the world" and influenced by Satan. (My brother bought into this big time, and for all I know he still lives that way.)

3. "If I didn't have Jesus, I wouldn't want to live. My life would be pointless." My mom has said this, and I know I've heard it at church. How depressing.

 

Now I really wish I hadn't thrown out all my stupid church notebooks. Yes, I took tons of notes during sermons. I bet that would be an eye roll inducing goldmine for me now, lol.

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They do realize the OT was orginally written in Hebrew, right? tongue.png

 

 

 

Shakespeare is mentioned in the Bible. 

 

In Psalm 46 of the King James Version, the 46th word is shake, and the 46th from last word is spear, (if you skip the term “selah” at the very end)

 

 

Ive heard this Shakespeare thing before, but it isn't as silly as it first seems.  Its not thought that the original Hebrew speaks of Shakespeare, but the KJV was written and compiled towards the end of the Bards life (he died in 1616), and the thinking is he may have had a hand in some of the poetic wording if the KJV translation.  His "signature" can be found in Psalm 46 and Shakespeare was 46 in 1611 when it was published.

 

I've never researched this at all, if it even can be researched.  Hell, there is controversy over whether Shakespeare actually wrote what is accredited to him.  But To this particular story's defense, I did not hear this from any church goer, but from an old episode of Ripley's Believe It Or Not hosted by Jack Palance in the late 80's.  fwiw...

 

Believe it....or not

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It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink

Proverbs 31:4

"See? It says stay away from what...STRONG DRINK! We need to stay away from alcohol."

            -- At a Baptist church.

 

 

 "And Sapphira knew what had happened to her husband, she had no excuse for lying when she knew her husband had just been carried out dead. She should have..." --reads a little bit--"...oh. It says here that she didn't know what had happened to her husband. Well, then. She still shouldn't have lied to the Holy Spirit..."

           --At same Baptist Church

 

 

And much, much more.

 

 

"Reach up and grab your blessing right now...it's right in the air, just reach up and grab it by faith. Lift up your hands and grab it right now. The Lord is raining down blessings..."

           --At random charismatic church we sang at once.

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so many stupid inane things over the year but the most irritating being alll the so called prophecies in many churches that kept the faithful clinging on about revival being just around the corner.Most vulgar versions were ,'the stream will become a river'.uueeeeegggghhh!

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"Satan wants you to feel depressed and have low self-esteem to the point that you want to kill yourself, so that he can collect your immortal soul. Therefore, Christians should avoid anything that doesn't give them positive feelings, and avoid anything 'negative' (that is, anything not Christian.). If you listen to secular music, you will be depressed; if you listen to Christian music, you will be happy. We should all strive to only listen to Christian music, read Christian books, etc, etc., because having real emotions makes baby Jesus cry."

 

Bullshit. Now that I'm an athest and have finally begun to distance myself from church, I've never been happier. If anything was making me hate myself and feel depressed, it was Christianity. And I'll take the honest emotions of secular artists over the false happiness of Christian 'artists' any day.

 

 

yep me too big time! it was all this gud and the culture of the church that depressed and destroyed me.

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godkiller:  oh, what a horrible 8th grade sunday school teacher to say your dog is not happy to see you.  What a bitch (pun intended)!  I think what she was saying about animals having no soul, no personality and no emotion was her projecting her own miserable, lonely life onto innocent animals.  But to say that to 8th graders is heinous!

 

Things I've heard a preacher say:  "God has killed only one innocent person ever."  (Meaning Jesus because the preacher obviously didn't believe that the millions of men, women, children, and infants he had put to death were not innocent.)

 

And "There are NO contradictions in the bible.  ONLY willful misinterpretations."  

 

These things were said in a very STERN, AUTHORITATIVE voice by an older man staring unsmilingly into the congregation with no further explanations.  I think we were supposed to believe him because he said them very STERNLY and AUTHORITATIVELY.  The sad thing is, people in the congregation did believe him and accepted those quotes as gods truth (pun intended).

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Today

 

"We're not meeting our budget. We'll be sending out flyers to the congregation hoping you will reconsider your level of commitment."

 

Looking out amongst the 50 or so attendees I noted that most were elderly and low income families.

 

Disgusting

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Today

 

"We're not meeting our budget. We'll be sending out flyers to the congregation hoping you will reconsider your level of commitment."

 

Looking out amongst the 50 or so attendees I noted that most were elderly and low income families.

 

Disgusting

 

In the 1930s (Great Depression Era) when Mom was a child, living with grandmother and 4 siblings, on welfare, father had run off, mother was in a mental institution and a traveling preacher stopped by and said, "You need to tithe 10%!"  What a douche.

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Today

 

"We're not meeting our budget. We'll be sending out flyers to the congregation hoping you will reconsider your level of commitment."

 

Looking out amongst the 50 or so attendees I noted that most were elderly and low income families.

 

Disgusting

 

In the 1930s (Great Depression Era) when Mom was a child, living with grandmother and 4 siblings, on welfare, father had run off, mother was in a mental institution and a traveling preacher stopped by and said, "You need to tithe 10%!"  What a douche.

 

 

My parents could have actually put me through college if they had not freely been extorted to give their 10%. I never believed and asked them not to just give the money away for many years.

 

Guess who owes tens of thousands to the feds for his degree? Sucks being poor. Sucks even worse when two people give it away and then hope they will have enough to pay mortgages and feed kids...churches are as bad as mobsters, but at least the mob gives you something when they take from you even if it is a broken leg. Good luck getting the prayes you just bought to cloth and feed you... sigh...sucks to just burn it like that.

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Since we're on money topics....I heard a recent sermon where the preacher said that you should NOT leave your money to your kids in your will.  One guess at where your money should be left!!!  Anyway, he said that children don't appreciate what is given to them, they should work for what they have.  He also said that in the US each generation does better than the last so our kids will do better than us anyway, so why waste money on people who will do better than you anyway?  You should name only the church in your will.

 

I was super-offended at this dreadful financial advice.  It was on the radio and I thought maybe it was an old sermon, pre-2008, when everybody with investments lost half, and people who planned to retire that year had to re-think that.  My son graduated high school in 2008 and the money we had saved for college got slashed in half.  But thank our intelligent brains, we had bothered to save for him because we still got him thru college with no debt on his part, or ours.  And it WAS a recent sermon.  What an evil thing to say to parents!  The news reports say that this current generation will be the first to NOT do better than their parents.

 

I also remember as a very young mom in the very early 90's, when my babies were babies, being in a mom's group where one of the moms said how her minister preached that you MUST give 10% to the church, PLUS additional when special things like a building fund were needed.  He actually advised people, and young parents, to put the church first, and NOT to save money for your kids' college or your retirement, because if you are faithful with tithing and gifts, then god will be faithful to you when it is time for your kids to go to college or to retire.  Flippin' bullshit!  So again, thank our intelligent brains, we ALWAYS put our kids' savings funds AND our retirement funds first, and we did give to the church but NEVER tithed (and never felt bad for one second about that).  That is incredibly irresponsible and evil financial advice.

 

I know a man and his recent ex-wife, in their mid-50's (close to my age) who have never owned a house because they could not afford it, had their kids take out loans for college because none had ever been saved, and have several times had their utilities turned off because they didn't keep up on their utility bills.  The ex worked one full-time job, and the man worked two full time jobs, but could never get ahead. The man says he can never see being able to retire because there is nothing saved, and the recent divorce has only made things worse since they now have to rent two places rather than just one.  But damned if they didn't tithe AND give frequent "love gifts" to the church and their pastor.  

 

Gall, I am very sorry your parents fell prey to this horrible indoctrination.

 

Good parenting includes financial responsibility, AND teaching financial responsibility to your children.

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Last December:

 

"We have 7 hams and I don't even like ham"

 

On it's own it sounds rather innocuous but this was said by one of the low income attendees while addressing the congregation.

 

Apparently, and by his own admission, he and his family frequent several churches in the area and around Thanksgiving end up with a butt-load of food. 

 

My wife stopped donating hams and turkeys

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