rach Posted September 22, 2013 Share Posted September 22, 2013 "Did you know you're royalty?" "I'm not!" "Well, if you've accepted Jesus then God's adopted you into his royal family! You're a daughter of the king!" "Did you know you're rich?" (I'm obviously not) "Well, God owns everything. If you belong to God, you are his heir. You are rich in Christ." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sybaris Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Today "Be joyful in the trials and tests God puts you through!" and the rest of the sermon revolved around James 1:2-4 Ah yes, the battered wife sermon. I can hear all the Christians in the rehab ward now, "God made me a quadriplegic cause he loves me!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted September 23, 2013 Share Posted September 23, 2013 Ok, this is something I heard in church but not from the pulpit. I was in a small bible-study group of young moms around 1990, and around the bible study part, we'd talk about our lives. The general feeling I got from the other women was, "We're bearing this life, but love god and jesus, so we're really looking forward to our next life with god." I didn't verbally or mentally agree with that, as I was digging my kids and the fun times we had, and the fact I was lucky enough to get to raise them myself, as my husband made enough to support us. I always thought, "If somebody is gonna warp my kids, it's gonna be ME and not some random day-care worker!" I warped my little kids well; I love them and they are fine young adults!!! Anyway, at one meeting I distinctly remember one of the young moms saying, "Of course I hate this life, and I'm looking forward to being in heaven with god." This had something to do with how SCAAAARY life is, and having to send our five year olds to school would be so SCAAAAARY because they might get a different world-view than from us. Oh geez. I loved spending time with my kids (still do), but I loved waving cheerfully at them on the bus where they got to subject their poor teachers to their world views learned at their mama's knee!! Yea, happy dance, see in you six hours, kids!!! Anyway, this young, prime-of-her-life, early-30's mom, said "I hate this life..." and I just LOOKED at her. This beautiful, young, healthy woman with a loving husband who earned enough so she could choose to stay home and raise their two beautiful, healthy, young sons was saying she HATED this life. Physically beautiful, perfect hair, "done" nails, beautiful clean clothes, college educated, her sons were always dressed well and were sweet as can be; handsome, successful husband; they owned a lovely home with every convenience, and enough bedrooms and bathrooms for each individual. Clean, running water, a full refrigerator, tvs, phones, her own van so she could shuttle the kids to their activities. Her two sisters lived in the same city, and were also stay-at-home moms, so they were able to see each other, and raise the kids as close cousins. To this day, I cannot see what she had to HATE about this life, especially at that time in her life. About half the population of the world would look at her life and be amazed at how this woman got to live like royalty. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExXex Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 'When the prodigal son left his father it wasn't an accident that he ended up living in shame and humiliated, it was part of God's plan. If you stray God will cause you to suffer and lead you to the point of embarrassment until you turn back to him.' Creeeeeepyyyyyy! It's rather cultish thinking to say that the reason people turn back to God during a low point in their life isn't because they were emotionally vulnerable and willing to delude themselves but because it was part of God's plan. I think I'd rather run the risk of ending up living with the pigs than spend my life on my knees to something so sadistic Made me a bit worried the church hasn't finished with me yet though. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Ah yes, the prodigal son story. One Sunday morning while we were setting up for the music that day, I noticed that was the Old Testament reading for the day. The pastor was milling about with us as usual, so I told him to his face that this is the only page in the Bible I wish I could just rip out, since I hate the story so much. He said maybe I just did not understand it properly. I told him it's not fair that the "good son" was working his butt off to please his father and maintain/grow the family's wealth (like us music people who come to every practice on time twice a week, practice at home, come to three services a week, work our butts off), but the rebellious son just waltzes in and gets special treatment (like the "Princess" as we called her, who seldom came to practice, never worked on her solos on her own time, showed up late when she did show up, hogged rehearsal time for her solos that she had not prepared ahead of time, but got to sing solos all the time and get all kinds of praise). I told the pastor that I have waaaay more respect for the "good son", and I take his side in the story. He said it's about how much God loves us even when we stray. Whatever. So why the hell am I working my butt off, sacrificing my time and talent, to please this God? Fuck it, I should just go to the beach and swim meets and whatever else excuse the Princess always has. Anyway... I still hate that story. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gall Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Ah yes, the prodigal son story. One Sunday morning while we were setting up for the music that day, I noticed that was the Old Testament reading for the day. The pastor was milling about with us as usual, so I told him to his face that this is the only page in the Bible I wish I could just rip out, since I hate the story so much. He said maybe I just did not understand it properly. I told him it's not fair that the "good son" was working his butt off to please his father and maintain/grow the family's wealth (like us music people who come to every practice on time twice a week, practice at home, come to three services a week, work our butts off), but the rebellious son just waltzes in and gets special treatment (like the "Princess" as we called her, who seldom came to practice, never worked on her solos on her own time, showed up late when she did show up, hogged rehearsal time for her solos that she had not prepared ahead of time, but got to sing solos all the time and get all kinds of praise). I told the pastor that I have waaaay more respect for the "good son", and I take his side in the story. He said it's about how much God loves us even when we stray. Whatever. So why the hell am I working my butt off, sacrificing my time and talent, to please this God? Fuck it, I should just go to the beach and swim meets and whatever else excuse the Princess always has. Anyway... I still hate that story. pretty much your right. Why should you work your ass off staying "true" to all of that while the person that basically does what they want gets in to the club house to? Pass Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Thanks, gall! Since then, I have pretty much been kicked out of the church (for complaining about stuff like this and other things, even though I tried to offer workable and fair solutions to every problem I raised... but they don't want to hear that), and the Princess is still there. What-the-fuck-ever. At least now she has pressure to show up a lot more, since their usual strong, reliable soprano (me) is no longer there. Poetic justice, I suppose. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gall Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Thanks, gall! Since then, I have pretty much been kicked out of the church (for complaining about stuff like this and other things, even though I tried to offer workable and fair solutions to every problem I raised... but they don't want to hear that), and the Princess is still there. What-the-fuck-ever. At least now she has pressure to show up a lot more, since their usual strong, reliable soprano (me) is no longer there. Poetic justice, I suppose. When the church is the same as any other club... the petty drama and all that how is it different or better than being on a softball team or a shriner or mason. Hell the Rotary club in my boyhood town had less drama than most churches. Why waste time on sunday or any day to feel that bad about shit damn. You are so better off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ExXex Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 Ah yes, the prodigal son story. One Sunday morning while we were setting up for the music that day, I noticed that was the Old Testament reading for the day. The pastor was milling about with us as usual, so I told him to his face that this is the only page in the Bible I wish I could just rip out, since I hate the story so much. He said maybe I just did not understand it properly. Maybe if the elder son was better at playing the martyr he would've got a better press! My main problem with it is to me this isn't the sign of a good father - a good father raises their son to be able to cope with and make the right decisions for when he goes out into the world, since his son is his own person! If I left my family home, made some bad choices and ended up crawling back I wouldn't expect my dad to be all 'Never mind! Now stay here where it's safe and nice and we'll pamper you', I'd expect him to be all 'yeah you fucked up, this is why, now let's get you back on your feet and hopefully you won't make the same mistakes next time'. That's real forgiveness to me! Also I like how firey you sound, if there were more people like you in the churches I attended who were ready to directly challenge the pastor maybe I would've been happy to stay longer haha. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 Also I like how firey you sound, if there were more people like you in the churches I attended who were ready to directly challenge the pastor maybe I would've been happy to stay longer haha. Thanks! I can tell you where "firey" gets you... That pastor has since left, and I've been pretty much kicked out. (As you can guess, this was not my only incident of questioning things and standing up to the pastor, hee hee hee.) It was a rough patch for me... being judged and not knowing who my friends were, but I am so much freer and happier now. I can laugh about it now. I guess they'd rather have mindless sheep who are sporadic and unreliable (such as the Princess et al), than reliable self-sacrificers who give everything but question too much. Their loss! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pantophobia Posted September 25, 2013 Share Posted September 25, 2013 Today "Be joyful in the trials and tests God puts you through!" and the rest of the sermon revolved around James 1:2-4 Ah yes, the battered wife sermon. I can hear all the Christians in the rehab ward now, "God made me a quadriplegic cause he loves me!" Yep, here's why I spent 20+ years of Christianity in extreme mental distress. Thanks, Kind and Loving God. That was AWESOME. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 This from a young woman preaching about xians needing to memorize the bible. All of it. Not just verses: "Because when my mouth overflows, I want it to be with God's word." Oh noooo, lady! Noooo! The mental image is so wrong! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 I hope she enjoys memorizing the parts about women taken as forced wives, the joy of bashing babies's heads against the rocks, and all that droning on from Paul about women not speaking in church. Then come back and preach it, sista! Dare ya! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravenstar Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 OMG I just had a mental image of someone who did memorize the bible, with all its contradictions, and their head exploded. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 "Ooooh, I wanna memorize the begats! Let me let me let me! I wanna do it! Pick me, teacher!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
◊ crazyguy123 ◊ Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 OMG I just had a mental image of someone who did memorize the bible, with all its contradictions, and their head exploded. I would imagine that most people who claim to have memorized the Bible only memorized the parts they liked, but said "Screw it" with the rest. I don't know how anyone could possibly memorize the whole thing, with all its contradictions, and not screw up their brain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator TheRedneckProfessor Posted October 23, 2013 Super Moderator Share Posted October 23, 2013 When I was in college, we had some big wig from the Assembly of God headquarters come to preach a sermon in our mandatory daily chapel. This man was so highly distinguished and revered in the A.O.G. that the president of the college spent 15 minutes praising him with the highest praise, by way of introduction. Finally, the man began making his way toward the pulpit. As he did so, he was fumbling about in his pocket as though fishing for a particular item. When he reached the microphone, still attempting to extract some item from his pocket, he said these words: "If you have your bibles, please open to the book of Second glasses, while I pull out my Peter." Not one of the "stupidest" things I've ever heard in church, but definately amongst the funniest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted October 23, 2013 Share Posted October 23, 2013 ^Epic sermon!!!!! I would have had the giggles so bad for the rest of the sermon, I would have had to leave! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
★ Citsonga ★ Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 I don't know how anyone could possibly memorize the whole thing, with all its contradictions, and not screw up their brain. I don't know how anyone could memorize the whole Bible anyway. I did a lot of memorization myself when I was a believer. I memorized three whole books (Ephesians, James & 1 John), the sermon on the mount, and handful of other chapters and a bunch of other verses. Even though I had memorized some 900-ish verses total, I can't imagine actually being able to memorize the entire Bible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 Re: memorizing the bible. The woman who was talking about the "importance" of memorizing the bible (and wanted her mouth "overflowing with god's cum word") said it was because in Muslim (terrorist) training camps, THEY were memorizing their holy book. THEREFORE, we should memorize ours. Are we in third grade, or what???!!!??? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquareOne Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 The pastor asked the congregation: "Has anybody heard of Robert Ingersoll?" No one said they had. The pastor then said: "Ingersoll was an atheist who lived in the 19th Century here in the US. See how long atheists' names remain known to the public?" bill What a dumbass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WarriorPoet Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 A few of my "favorites". Parents that don't physically discipline their children don't love them. When a pastor in a nearby church was found to be cheating on his wife "his congregation didn't support him enough." As if the sheep need tend the shepherd. That entire perseverance of the saints bit. There are a couple thousand contradictions to that little gem here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slave2six Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 My favorites always follow the phrase, "What he really meant was..." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slave2six Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 One Sunday, Pastor Shawn was preaching on "What would Jesus do" and he said, "Men, the next time you are in an argument with your wife, stop and ask yourself 'What would Jesus do'." and I said out loud, "He'd say, 'Come out of her!'" I just couldn't resist. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith666 Posted October 25, 2013 Share Posted October 25, 2013 When I was in college, we had some big wig from the Assembly of God headquarters come to preach a sermon in our mandatory daily chapel. This man was so highly distinguished and revered in the A.O.G. that the president of the college spent 15 minutes praising him with the highest praise, by way of introduction. Finally, the man began making his way toward the pulpit. As he did so, he was fumbling about in his pocket as though fishing for a particular item. When he reached the microphone, still attempting to extract some item from his pocket, he said these words: "If you have your bibles, please open to the book of Second glasses, while I pull out my Peter." Not one of the "stupidest" things I've ever heard in church, but definately amongst the funniest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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